Cru Jones Society

It’s the second Monday of 2009, and time to kick off our new feature: Question of the week. We’ve been pleasantly surprised with the number of reader responses ranging from the practical: Gatorade and over the counter headache remedies, the classic: hair of the dog and greasy food, to the just plain silly: not drinking. Whether you’re interested in scoping out some new hangover tricks, or just want to make fun of the guy who admitted he eats Menudo, read on.

First, I’d like to get something out of the way, there’s a common theme among many of our hangover cures, but to answer your question:  No.  The makers of Gatorade are not providing remuneration to the staff of CJS for any of this.  Unfortunately.

So now, on with the show.

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Lee S. Hart: I always attack my hangover before I go to sleep. I take four ibuprofen chased with half a Gatorade, usually orange or red. Then I find a comfortable bed or warm couch or unoccupied floor and call it a night.

Upon waking in the morning, if a headache is present, I take more drugs. If there is no headache then I simply finish the Gatorade from the night before. I then watch cartoons or whatever I don’t have to think about before I decide I need eggs and bacon and orange juice.

After the greasy breakfast I take in some fresh air. I’ll go outside for 20-30 minutes, as long as it isn’t ball stickenly hot or nipple hardening cold. The brisk morning air does wonders for my hangovers.

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E Dagger: What’s funny about hangovers is that cures are a little bit like a roulette wheel. Sometimes a nice greasy cheeseburger perks me right up the next day and sometimes it makes me wish I was somehow more dead than before I ate it. Sometimes a mid-afternoon nap will clear the old head perfectly, other times it feels like awaking in the middle of an Eli Roth movie. And sometimes you’re in Vegas right near the oxygen bar where after 20 minutes you’re fresh as a new pair of cotton undies. But what’s worked for me most often has a been a combination of two things: Gatorade and light manual labor.

The Gatorade is obvious since a hangover stems almost exclusively from dehydration. Replenishing those fluids is key to feeling better. But the manual labor helps in a different way. If you’ve been drinking at your house the night before, you probably have to clean up. Collecting bottles, washing cups, sweeping the floor – these things keep your mind occupied and your body in motion which helps to metabolize all those horrible toxins you thought were awesome in between Guitar Hero songs. Every time I force myself off the couch and away from watching Sixteen Candles for the 200^th time and clean the house instead, I feel about a zillion times better. Also, if I can keep from gagging or outright ralphing in the sink, brushing my teeth is one of the simplest ways of alleviating a hangover.

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Senor Limon: Nothing is quite as sweet as waking up to a hangover at your own home base. More than likely you’ve made it to your own comfortable bed instead of doing something silly like sleeping on a hard floor using a phone book for a pillow and a leather jacket for a blanket, or curling up in an empty kiddie pool on someone’s front porch. You’ve also got ready access to the two most potent weapons in the arsenal of the hangover cure: Your toothbrush and your shower. Before venturing out for the requisite half gallon of Gatorade followed by a Half pound of grease, drink some water, but not too much since an empty and angry stomach doesn’t agree with too much liquid too fast, then brush your teeth, and take a long steamy shower until the hot water heater just won’t let you anymore. By the time you make it to your favorite greasy spoon you’ll have one up on the rest of the lousy drunks there, you’re not wearing the same thing you were last night and you don’t reek of old beer and last night’s cologne.

And now for our reader submissions. Did somebody seriously just suggest Menudo? Yes, yes he did.

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Dettorre: I’m going to have to go with menudo. I have found that by adding diced onion, cilantro, and lime you create the best hangover remedy.

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Deuce: Usually most people would say something like menudo or Tabasco in oatmeal is the best thing to cure a hangover (or is it hungover?) I might be tempted to say that watching a replay of the “action packed” 2008 Sun Bowl is a pretty sobering experience, but for me, nothing beats sitting in a dark basement room, watching cartoons, eating a waffle and drinking a tiny cup of juice.

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Keithage attacks the problem with military precision…

Keithage: Sleep, grease, water, grease, sleep. In that order. Also if you can stomach it the hair of the dog that bit you works well. However, the hair of the dog should be reserved for intense extended partying with friends such as a Snowdown celebration, 8am football games, college, week long vacations by the water and the like. Otherwise you’re just an alcoholic

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A couple of our readers have decided to throw the social mores to the wind with their responses. Frankly each one horrifies me more than the next.

Brad: I combat a hangover by simply not drinking.

CassieB: Get knocked up…then society scorns you if you drink in the first place (for some silly reason called fetal alcohol syndrome?). This prevents the drinking from even happening in the first place, thus completely curing the hangover you certainly would have had following those five Jim Beam shots, four Flaming Marleys, and three Red Headed Sluts that you watched your friend take down before puking his/her brains out. (Note: Red Headed Slut refers to the beverage, but if the image in your mind is better with three actual red headed sluts, please fill in the blank appropriately).

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Appropriately, several of our readers suggest keeping it simple. I also applaud our readers’ realism since we all know that by the time everyone is awake, shuttled back to wherever the hell they’ve left their cars, taken a quick and disapointing inventory of the bar receipts in their pockets  and located all the wayward clothing, driver’s licenses, and credit cards there is no way you’re going to make that 10:30 cutoff for McDonald’s Breakfast.

Daggersgirl: The best hangover cure is simply McDonalds. Quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a large coke…

Kristatothemax: My best cure for a hangover? A big, greasy burger (preferably something from McDonalds), a giant soda with crushed ice, and any quality (read: shitty but entertaining) movie that’s showing on TBS.

Augie.maestas : Potato Burrito from Big City (lots of Ranch, Sour Cream and Salsa)

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So, there you have it. You’ve got approximately five days to prepare properly for your next hangover.  Next week we’re back to discuss the world of bad cinema.  You’ve seen some terrible movies in your day, no doubt, but usually it’s of your own volition – like, say, a hungover day watching Joe Dirt on TBS. But sometimes you’re either there against your will or have some ulterior motive for staying. So, we want to know: What is the worst movie you’ve ever sat all the way through and why did you have to sit all the way through it? Tell us a story about your shitty movie going experience, and send your responses to staff@crujonessociety.com. We’ll put ‘em in the January 19 edition of Question of the Week.  We promise to post your responses, but we can’t guarantee nobody will make fun of you for admitting you sat all the way through a Hugh Grant Movie.

Hart, Limon and Dagger