Cru Jones Society

Every action movie needs a few essential elements – a rugged hero, some awesome chase/fight/explosion sequences, and, if there’s time, an adequate plot. Since the action movie traditionally caters to the “dude with way too much testosterone and incredibly short attention span demographic,” we’re usually treated to some outstanding eye candy. Whether it’s Carla Gugino walking around spectacularly naked in Sin City or Linda Hamilton scaring the bejeezus out of everyone in a totally confusing erotic way in Terminator 2, action movies have treated us to a fine selection of female foils. However, there have been some miscalculations along the way. Let’s take a look at them now, shall we?

7. Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh) from The Warriors

Who is she?

She’s the spunky prostitute who goads the candyass Orphans into standing up to the Warriors after they have to get out of the subway on their way back to Coney. She exposes their gang leader Sully for the weenie he is and eventually joins the Warriors in their journey back to their turf. She helps them defeat the Punks in that subway men’s room and makes a group of high schoolers uncomfortable by staring at them through a bruised face and a low-cut top.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because this bitch is nothing but trouble. She stirs up shit with the Orphans just because she can. Warriors’ scout Fox rumbles with a cop while she stands by and watches, and he ends up getting thrown into an oncoming subway train. She tries to get Swan to bang her in a subway tunnel (Hey, that sounds safe. And clean!). And she looks like she’s lived the equivalent of about 60 years in her probably 28 year-old body. Of course, this is 1979, so basically all you have to worry about is gonorrhea and chlamydia (a.k.a. the Beavis & Butthead of VD).

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Riding a Greyhound bus somewhere with a Newport permanently pressed between her lips telling you about how she one time saw George Hamilton outside a Village Inn between complaining about how the bus doesn’t stop enough for smoke breaks.

6. Terry Carmichael (Samantha Mathis) from Broken Arrow

Who is she?

She’s the eager park ranger who not only finds Captain Riley Hale adrift in the desert, she helps him take down his commanding officer who’s conspiring to either set off two nuclear warheads he stole the previous night, or extort the government for $250 million to get them back. Essentially, she helps prevent a potential Hiroshima here in rural Utah/Western Colorado/Mu’fuckin’ Denver and manages to throw a little strange Hale’s way in the process.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because you know all that shit about helping prevent an American nuclear holocaust? Yeah, not really. While she does stand up to the villainously handsome Vic Deakins (played by villainously handsome John Travolta) and chooses not to set off the nuke herself, she spends more time in everyone’s way than anyone since Kate Capshaw shrieked her way through Indiana Jones. She tags along uninvited, she makes Hale illustrate to her that they haven’t been exposed to radiation via butterflies, and she manages to get her annoying ass captured. Oh, and when she’s not preventing a freaking air force specialist from doing his job, she’s bothering him about stepping on cryptogamic soil. Yeah, she’s up his ass about endangered dirt. Excuse me, but if we don’t move our asses, we’re all gonna be blown the fuck up by a psychotic John Travolta, lady! Shove that dirt up your ass, we got real problems.

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Teaching a group of elementary school kids the difference between igneous and sedimentary rocks before heading home to see what her friends are up to on the Natural Resources Defense Council message boards.

5. Trinity (Carrie Anne Moss) from The Matrix

Who is she?

She’s the badass warrior from the “real world” who not only helps to free the savior of all humankind, she kills cops, outruns badass robots in suits, leaps from rooftop to rooftop, and learns to fly a helicopter in about 3.4 seconds. Essentially, she’s everything you ever wanted to be when you were 9 years old, and she’s got tits, so you can finally live out that fantasy you had when you were 15 that saw you trading bodies with a girl for just 24 hours. And in this particular case, a girl who gets to fire a shitload of guns, temporarily defy gravity, and ride cool motorcycles everywhere.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because she also has all the sexuality of a high school football coach. She glares at Neo out of the side of her eye. She acts aloof when he asks her what’s wrong (men fucking hate this). She dresses like she’s ready for you to lick her leather boots while she puts cigarettes out on your head and calls you a bitch. And she still somehow manages to somehow not wake up with sleazy ass Joe Pantoliano breathing moonshine in her face. Trinity is one of the most unusual, and in my opinion, disturbing sex symbols of my generation. For the longest time I heard people hold her up as a bastion of sexuality and I always had a look on my face like a befuddled golden retriever. Her demeanor always came off to me as reserved and unpleasant, and her haircut came off to me as “women’s studies professor.” Boy, there’s a recipe for arousal if I ever heard one!

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Going to a poetry slam in her hybrid car with bike racks on the roof with her life partner Frances after picking up some organic dog biscuits for their two babies, Chloe and Sawgrass,

4. Karla Fry (Brigitte Nielsen) from Beverly Hills Cop 2

Who is she?

She’s the long-legged temptress who executes the robberies of a ritzy jewelry store, a bank where smaller banks deposit their money, and a high-end racetrack. She works in the gun club, stands an impressive 6′ tall, and has the guts to blow away a Lieutenant in the Beverly Hills police force in broad daylight. She’s a criminal, but certainly one of the most unique criminals of all time.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because she no longer exists solely as Karla Fry, she exists as the boozing, creepy, Flavor Flav-fucking chain smoker from “The Surreal Life: Season 3″ and “Strange Love.” I’m not going to go so far as to hold Brigitte Nielsen on the same pedestal as, say, Traci Lords, in terms of 1980s desirability, but Brigitte’s unique look gave her a certain intrigue that very few possessed. How many other 6′ tall blond women with giant breasts and hot European accents were walking around in 1986 having successful movie careers? While you calculate that, I’ll just conclude by saying that before Nielsen went all goofy on us on VH-1 and struck up the most uncomfortable romance ever with “Foofy foofy,” there wasn’t a man alive who didn’t at least for a second ponder Axel’s question of how long it takes to shave her legs. Don’t lie to yourself, it’s embarrassing.

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Gyrating in a cage while wearing lingerie made of metal and leather at a heavy metal club in Munich while the sounds of hardcore German thrash rock blast over the speakers.

3. Adrian Balboa (Talia Shire) from Rocky I – V

Who is she?

She’s the demure pet shop girl who gives the local punchy fighter a chance and gets wooed by his charm, his cornball jokes, and his loyalty. She’s the one who stands by Rocky every time he has another impossible mountain to climb and she assures him that he’s not stupid by supporting him in every endeavor he tries outside the ring. She’s the one who prevents Rocky from possibly permanently injuring himself in the last movie, and she’s the one who sees through Tommy Gunn’s bullshit from the get-go.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because she’s also the one who always tries to get Rocky to quit fighting and that he can’t win. As Bill Simmons says about Rocky IV, she’s the one who causes Rocky to get into his Lamborghini and shift 57 times into 45^th gear and drive 200 miles per hour while that awesome “There’s no easy way out / There’s no shortcut home!” song plays. She breaks him down on the beach before his fight with Clubber Lang. She spends an ungodly amount of Rocky II in an unspeakably boring coma. And she spends roughly 90% of the five movies in a generally unpleasant mood. Also, and I realize this is unrelated, she does her best to stifle Cru’s dream in Rad. It has to be said.

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Closing up a library late at night with Donna Reed before heading home to read this month’s edition of “Spinster Digest.”

2. Julie Mott (Tea Leoni) from Bad Boys

Who is she?

She’s Maxine’s best friend who agrees to tag along as an extra call girl where she sees her best friend murdered by a drug kingpin with an indecipherable European accent. She throws herself at who she believes is Mike Lowrey and basically begs for sex after a shootout at Club Hell.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

Because she spends the entire movie getting in the way, screwing up leads on the murder of her friend, letting her dog’s shit up Lowrey’s apartment, attacking Detective Burnett with a baseball bat, and basically being the biggest pain in the ass in the history of cinema. I spent a good 15 minutes trying to think up good qualities of Julie Mott and only came up with those two weak sentences you see in the section above. My feelings on Tea Leoni are well-documented, so even I find it amazing that she’s not number one in this article. She busts Marcus’s balls about eating bologna, she can’t be bothered  to follow instructions, she manages to get her dumb ass captured by the bad guys, and she looks like she’d rather be anywhere else than delivering lines in an otherwise awesome movie. How we still manage to enjoy Bad Boys is a mystery considering damn near every scene she’s in, she detracts from.

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Looking put off, rolling her eyes, and seeming generally annoyed with a group approximately her equal in terms of disposition and acting ability. A.K.A. Ms. Allen’s 7^th grade algebra class.

1. Charlotte “Charlie” Blackwood (Kelly McGillis) from Top Gun

 

Who is she?

She’s one of the top civilian fighter pilot instructors in the country. She goes by the call sign “Charlie” and she drives an unbelievably rare Porsche Speedster. Charlie knows more about dogfights than Michael Vick and has ridiculous security clearance meaning she can tell you all the ins and outs of being a super cool war hero. Plus, she has a beautiful house right on the beach where she apparently listens to Otis Redding all day when she’s not either drinking wine or getting trusted by the government with more classified information than you have information.

Wait, that sounds cool. Why’s she so unappealing?

In short, she’s way more man than you’ll ever be. If you’re looking to get emasculated, Charlie is the gal for you. She dresses down and downright embarrasses Maverick when dissecting his behavior with the MIG. I realize she apologizes for this later, but that doesn’t change the fact that she eviscerates a daring pilot in the name of protecting her own reputation. She makes an ill-timed joke about Socrates killing himself when Maverick is at his lowest point. She also doesn’t let Maverick shower before dinner after a rigorous beach volleyball game against Iceman and Slider. I know it’s Maverick’s fault for playing this stupid game and making himself late, but if I were Charlie, I think I’d want Maverick to wash the man-stink from Kilmer and Rossovich off himself before sitting down to share a meal. And none of this changes the fact that Charlie’s built like freaking John Riggins from the ’82 Redskins with a chin you could crack walnuts on.

What she looks like she should be doing instead…

Standing behind Jim McMahon in a pro-set offense next to Walter Payton preparing to plow the road for him in a 16 degree playoff game at Soldier Field on the way to blowing out the Patriots in Super Bowl XX.

The next time you find yourself staring up at the marquee at your local multiplex contemplating which new Bruckheimer classic to plunk down your $9 for, take a minute to consider more than the surefire explosions, power rock, and ridiculous gun fights. Glance at who’s playing opposite the invincible hero. Hopefully it’s someone like Marisa Tomei who spends damn near the entirety of The Wrestler without a top on. If it’s not, well… don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com