Cru Jones Society

It’s Monday and only one thought is on the mind of Cru Jones Society readers: “Holy hell, I hope I don’t spill a ridiculous amount of liquid all over the floor again without some sort of German shammy to soak it up!” At least that’s what we presume is on the minds of Cru Jones Society readers considering the volume of responses we received touting the ShamWow’s benefits.

By an absolutely staggering margin, the ShamWow was by far the most popular response to this week’s Monday Confessional. We were left to wonder why. We cannot think of one situation we’ve encountered in the last five years that required the use of an industrial strength absorbent. The only reason we saw needing the ShamWow was if you really enjoyed washing your car by hand, and did so every week. Otherwise, how often are you spilling stuff that can’t be quickly cleaned up with a paper towel? Are CJS readers especially messy? Especially clumsy? Easily influenced by dudes wearing Britney Spears-style headsets? Maybe we should just get to the responses. As always, our answers are first followed by yours. The new Confessional topic is at the bottom. Let’s get to it…

E Dagger: Before we get to the product I desire most, a story about a previous purchase of an infomercial product.

The only product I’ve ever bought from an infomercial is the Bodyblade. Click the link and take a gander at that fitness beauty. According to their utterly captivating infomercial, the blade caused your muscles to have to flex, stop, and change directions all within the span of a second, which, when you multiply that by 60 seconds, means you’re getting a workout that’s roughly, I dunno, 6000x more effective than a normal workout in like 1/15th the time. I was so enthralled by the woman shaking her yatch in the commercial and by the promises of an all-encompassing workout achieved in less than 6 minutes, that I took careful notes on the product and brought them upstairs to my mom whom I asked for the $100 to buy this thing. She owed me $400 at the time (long story), so I told her to take $100 off that total and to feel free to use it anytime she wanted once she saw the incredible results. She smiled knowingly and silently said goodbye to the $100 that was about to be wasted forever.

Needless to say, it came in the mail and turned out to be as worthless as it was stupid-looking. The workout accomplished exactly zero of my fitness goals, but the upshot was that at least I looked like a gyrating moron while doing it. So that’s a bonus.

Anyway, since I’m now leery of television fitness products – and especially John Basedow’s gargantuan cranium – I’ve moved on to food. And there’s one product that stands towering above the rest. It’s more versatile than a George Foreman Grill and takes up less space than a Showtime Rotisserie. The one product I must have is “The Magic Bullet.”

There are so many reasons I want to own The Magic Bullet. I want to enjoy delicious “natch-os” like the limey pitchman presents to that dopey, chubby slob. I want my friends to drink fresh margaritas from a kitchen appliance. And I want them to be helpfully marked by primary colors on their drink rims that makes everyone look like they’re posing for a Sears catalogue from 1995. I want to chop garlic without the “sticky smelly mess.” I want to be able to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner in something the size of a martini shaker. I want to talk about my new miniature blender and have people be confused because they think I’m talking about a vibrator. I want scrambled eggs in 6 seconds, dammit!

If you can look in your kitchen and can’t find a use for The Magic Bullet somewhere in your life, well sir, you must be a king because you have it all including the ability to quickly make fresh, homemade pesto sauce. And as we all know, ability to create pesto handily is society’s ultimate measuring stick. The Magic Bullet is the great equalizer.

Lee S. Hart: I have never purchased anything via infomercial but I came close once. I was watching TV at 2 in the morning completely sober. Why was I watching TV sober at that hour, I may never know. An infomercial came on for a product and I thought I wanted it. Nay, I needed it. I was ready to order but something stopped me. For the life of me I can’t remember what the item was, apparently it was something I could live without.

As for current infomercials, I am half thinking about getting Fun Slides Carpet Skates. You strap these on and you can slide on carpet like you can with sock on hardwood. Which means I can finally take advantage of living alone, and my Bob Seger record, and recreate the scene from Risky Business. Also the infomercial states that ‘You can slide like a pro.” This leads me to believe there is a professional league of people who slide around on the carpet. I may just have a new calling in life, or I will break my ankle, which might be fun too.

When I lived at home, my mom bought this food chopper thing that was supposed to easily slice and dice food in a matter of seconds. It was a small cylinder with a plunger. You push the plunger and four or five blades would come down and slice the food. As the blades came back up they would rotate 90 degrees so when you plunged again you would cut the item the opposite way giving you effortlessly diced food. The only problem with this is the blades were pieces of crap. They didn’t cut worth a damn. So instead of slicing and dicing, it would just smash and smash. Bad way to cut tomatoes but great way to make tomato juice.

Stupid piece of shit.

Senor Limon: While not the subject of a proper 30 minute infomercial, I have to say that I’m intrigued at the notion of the Save A Blade automatic razor sharpener.  As someone who spends literally anywhere from fives to tens of dollars on new disposable razors every few months, I can hardly see how society has been dealing without this wonderful product to lengthen the lives of our easily disposable and replaceable grooming products.   Although, I can’t help but notice that the save-a-blade is battery powered (included).

I wonder, would I waste more money keeping this thing in fresh batteries, or buying new disposable blades in lieu of sharpening them?  Which would be worse for the environment, throwing away batteries, or un re-sharpened razors?  Would I eventually risk give myself tetanus by repeatedly sharpening a blade that is growing rustier and thinner with each passing re-sharpening?  Part of me really wants to find out.  Alas, the political pressure of the big disposable razor, or “big stubble” as I like to call them, will never allow this product to become truly mainstream.  I was given my first freebie, via mailed sample pack of Gillette Mach3 blades that miraculously arrived right at the time that I was hitting puberty, and although I’ve strayed on occasion I’ve always wandered back to my mistress named Gillette.  Sadly, the Save A Blade just isn’t destined to be the product to cure me of my crippling addiction to kissably smooth skin.

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Before we get to the mountain of glowing praise for the ShamWow, let’s take a look at some of the other products our readers love. First, a possible match made in heaven for Lee S. Hart.

Katie T: I would have to say that the Fun Slides Carpet Skates look like tons of fun!!

Deuce: I think I need to get the Time Life music collection “Oldies But Goodies” as marketed by Bowzer from Sha Na Na. These timeless hits from the 50′s have really been the hardest hit by the change at KOOL 105 from “The Greatest hits of the 50′s and 60′s” to the “Greatest hits of all time.” Who do you think is getting left off so that songs from the 70′s make it to the rotation? I think in all you get something like 10 CDs plus 2 bonus CDs if I call right now. I don’t remember the price but how can you put a price on these songs? (After looking on the internet, it appears to be about $150) I mean how can you say no to Bowzer?

Brad: I’m pretty partial to the Slave Pikachu myself…

Flickerbock: I have thought about buying a Little Giant Ladder for two reasons. First, because they are awesome. Second (and more importantly), they are being hawked by Richard Karn. That beard can sell anything!

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Never doubt the power of Happy Friday. You mention a product in there once, you get two responses back at you immediately. Check it:

Kristatothemax: The Snuggie. Duh.

Conor C: The goddamn Snuggie (slanket). Who doesn’t wanna be hugged by fleece and still be able to have full use of one’s arms. I would have purchased this item long ago if only it had built in gloves and booties as well.

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And now for the main event. This one goes out to all the spill-prone readers of the CJS who love German products, love the ability to soak up voluminous amounts of Coca-Cola (up to 5 freaking gallons! Have you spilled that amount of liquid in your whole life combined, much less all at once?), and love the offbeat pitchman. Augie starts us off with his best pitchman impression.

Augie.Maestas: Well, let me tell you…ShamWow!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, ShamWow!! It is the product of the future, not only for use on cars anymore. Picks up messes on tile, wood, and carpet. Soaks up more moisture then towels alone. I am amazed by this product because on the infomercial, just by putting the ShamWow on a spill, it picks up all of the moisture and then when you wring out the ShamWow, it holds enough liquid to fill a whole bucket!! Fabulous! I want one! This is Augie signing off, and hopefully ShamWow notices my pitch and pays me some money!

CassieB: After you watch the video on the website, there is no explanation necessary.  Who wouldn’t want this? I attempted to purchase this at a mall kiosk prior to Christmas, but unfortunately the credit card machine was down.  I still dream about it and one day will own one of my own…

Gutter: It would have to be ShamWow, mostly because it is made in Germany and Germans make good things or so the commercial says. Also, I could send the ShamWows back and tell them I didn’t say Wow every time, so mine must be broken. The one drawback to buying it would be that it would encourage their marketing department to turn that annoying ShamWow guy into the next Billy Mays, I don’t think I could handle that.

Keithage: Being a current purchaser of Oxyclean, I know that infomercial products are quality.  Currently I am amazed at ShamWow!  How does it work? Why does washing ruin its awesome abilities?  I have many uses for a cloth that can absorb 5 gallons of water and still have room for more.

Dettorre: I would have to say the Shamwow.  I have not purchased it yet, but the demonstration with the coke being poured on the carpet was quite impressive.

Dana H: Sham Wows!! I’ve been most tempted to buy ShamWows but have resisted the urge. Been tempted because:

1. They look absolutely amazing.

2. The guy is hilarious. I think I almost feel sorry for him so I feel obligated to buy his product.

3. The commercial in itself is SO ridiculous. One example – he’s wearing an ear microphone and you know there’s a huge microphone in his face just out of screen shot.

4. “Those Germans always have great ideas”

5. When you see someone THAT excited about a product, how can you not be?!

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We’ll close up this edition with one more ShamWow endorsement and a brief story…

Jitterrawks: I may be a weird person for saying this…but I actually have favorite infomercials.  I blame this on my cable remote’s complete lack of a sleep timer and the fact that I can’t remember which one of the twenty remotes I have works for the TV.  The one infomercial product that compels me the most to call to order is the ShamWow.  Working in sales, I see a lot of the silly gimmicks the other infomercials employ, with their women in bikinis and idiots that make a ton of money/cook gourmet meals/lost 200 pounds…I mean, if they can do it, so can I, right?  Not Vince.  He actually makes it seem like I’m the idiot for not jumping on the shammy bandwagon.  While I have yet to purchase these, I actually think about it every time I see it.

The product I actually bought was the crazy ab electrocutor in college.  It taught me that binge drinking + TV on + phone by bed is never a good idea.  I kept that thing around for awhile to remind me of it.  It did not actually give me abs of steel.  Instead, it felt like I was licking batteries while producing the smell of burning hair.

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We realize we’re only three deep into the Monday Confessional, but having that many of our readers send in virtually the same response can only be described as surreal. Although, somewhere ShamWow executives are probably shitting themselves with glee. We doubt this week’s question will produce that level of uniformity. So, without further ado, here’s your question for next week. What are the weird food combinations that you (and it seems like only you) like? To put it another way, what do you eat that those around you give you shit for? A lot of people dip their french fries in their Frosty, but fewer dip their fries in bleu cheese dressing. We knew a guy in college who put ketchup in his mac ‘n cheese. Dagger’s mom eats all sorts of pickled disgustingness that has repelled him since childhood. We once saw someone drink Clamato. Gross. Send a short, well-written paragraph to staff@crujonessociety.com detailing your culinary oddities, and we’ll put ‘em in next week’s edition. But we may not want to sit next to you in the lunchroom.

Dagger, Limon & Hart