Cru Jones Society

Welcome the first ever Cru Jones Live Blog! We’re live  from CJS Headquarters in lovely downtown Denver accompanied by Lady E, our two cats Buttfor and Bumhug who are way more interested in kneading the fleece blanket next to me than the game, a fridge full of a delightful assortment of beer (New Belgium mix pack, Smithwick’s, and Grolsch), and yours truly, E Dagger. We’ve got an hour of pre-game coverage followed by the game itself with all the oh-so-hilarious commercials mixed in. So come on inside and check out what transpired.

(Note: The Monday Confessional will appear on Tuesday this week, but will return at its regularly scheduled time next week.)

(Follow-up note: This is extremely long – over 5,300 words and 10 Word pages – so if you’re at work, maybe wait ’til lunch to read this. But don’t let that deter you because I talk commercials, announcers, and our gay cats. Enough foreplay, let’s get to it.)

We opted not to go to a party today because we spent the previous evening watching the utterly reprehensible UFC 94. While St. Pierre/Penn was entertaining if you’re a Georges St. Pierre fanboy (I’m not), the rest of the night sucked the proverbial meat missile. Guida/Diaz, Parisyan/Long Duk Dong, and Jones/Bonnar all went to hideously boring decisions, and only Lyoto Machida (!) managed to finish his fight before the main event. Worse was our venue. Our secret is out and our little UFC-viewing hideaway has been discovered by meatheads, douche bags, and trashy bitches everywhere that more resembled a steroids convention mixed with the 8^th circle of hell than a fun night out. Confrontational assholes everywhere, waitresses who look like they’re about one unwelcome ass grab away from climbing a bell tower with a sniper rifle, and warm beer galore!

Best of all was a friend of a friend who showed up at our table looking like he was auditioning for the lead in the new XXX: State of the Union flick. He was all up in his girlfriend’s face all night like one of those guys you see on “True Life: I’m a Long Island Neanderthal” specials on MTV. My buddy Mikey and I made fun of this idiot all night with lines like, “Damn baby, I fuckin’ love you, but why you always gotta be such a raging bitch?!?!” and “Shit girl, you know I love you, but I’m gonna start lovin’ all over your face if you don’t shut the fuck up! Why you gotta be breaking me off so much disrespect?! Fuck!!!” I kept waiting for someone to come over the PA and say, “Excuse me, but would the ‘roided up douche nozzle with the shaved head and Affliction t-shirt please come to the bar? Your HGH/cocaine/red bull shooter is ready.” Of course, that wouldn’t work because half the bar would look around and rush the bar, but whatever.

Needless to say, we probably won’t frequent this locale for future fights, which is a tragedy. It used to be such a cool place until the unwashed apes found it.

But that was yesterday, it’s Super Bowl time, baby! Let the Live Blog commence. All times are Mountain Standard.

3:22 – We begin our coverage with Faith Hill warming up for the National Anthem, a bottle of Grolsch and delicious deli style pretzel crisps from The Snack Factory (no relation to the Food Factory in beautiful downtown Fairbanks, Alaska).  Thumbs up for pretzel crisps!

 

3:24 – Jerome Bettis (one of about 47 or so pre-game show hosts in this coverage) informs us that Hines Ward is wearing a knee brace to, brace yourselves, protect his knee from hits from the Arizona Cardinals. Thank God NBC put so many correspondents on the field. What would we do without shattering insight like that?

3:26 – Just got a text from my mom: “Just had a shot with Dad – first time. In prep for our company.” If you wonder how I turned out the way I did, there you go. My response: “I know these people. Better do another just to be safe.”

3:32 – I tell that to Lady E and she asks me, “Well, do you want a shot of Jager then?” This is why we’re getting married.

3:33 – Mmmm, icy cold Jagermeister.

3:37 – Tiki Barber grins like a complete doofus through his entire interview with Larry Fitzgerald Jr. & Sr. It’s a compelling and well put-together piece that is only lessened by Tiki’s ridiculous perma-grin.  He’s asking about Larry’s dead mother, and he still has an idiotic smirk on his face. If I were Larry Fitzgerald, I’d be tempted to punch Tiki in his stupid face for being unable to properly convey appropriate human emotion. Seriously, he’s like the black Katie Couric.

3:38 – Me: “Man, Larry Fitzgerald has a big ol’ butt there, doesn’t he?”

Lady E: “Well, he’s a black dude. Wait, are you writing that?”

3:40 – Lady E and I have a conversation about how to read Roman Numerals. In elementary school I kicked ass at our Roman Numerals unit and I think that’s because of Super Bowls, WrestleManias, and Rocky movies. Because of those three entities, the guys in our class always had a leg up on the girls. I’m convinced this is why women are not as interested in math, science, or the history of Rome.

3:44 – In certain lights, Ben Roethlisberger is a dead ringer for John Krasinski (Jim from The Office), only bigger. In other news, I feel Roethlisberger and his history of concussions are setting the stage for a real life Jerry Maguire moment with his agent. If he ever has a child, tell me you can’t picture him standing in the hallway of Daddy’s hospital telling Ben’s agent, “Fuck you, mister.” If there were an over/under in Vegas for years until this occurs, I’d put it at: 4.5.

3:48 – Look at this group of announcers we have on the main panel: Matt Millen, Tony Dungy, Mike Holmgren, Cris Collinsworth, and Bob Costas. The first three guys have mustaches that make them look like they’re trying to shake down a perp in some 70s cop drama, and the other two look like they couldn’t grow a mustache if they poured that Chia Pet stuff all over their faces. It’s a nice facial hair dynamic we got going on.

3:51 – I crashed back on the couch for a moment because, to quote Senor Limon, I’ll probably have scoliosis after this game from being hunched over my laptop on the couch, and I disturbed Bumhug’s sleep. He turned and looked at me as if to say, “You motherfucker. Don’t do it again.” Cats have a way of looking at you like they’re your 5^th grade teacher. Scornful and condescending. It’s tremendous.

3:54 – The 10 pre-game commentators split evenly in their picks for who wins. However, Matt Millen and his reverse Midas touch go with the Cardinals. When the guy who put together one of the worst teams over any five year stretch in the history of sports chooses a team to win, you always take the other team. ALWAYS. Bet on the Steelers.

4:00 – Faith Hill officially sings a song welcoming us to the Super Bowl Kickoff Show – because when I think football, I think Faith Hill. In related news, Bumhug seems to be trying to annex more space on the couch, and I’m close to calling NATO to intervene. We had a treaty, dude! Stay on your side!

4:01 – Al Michaels claims the two teams playing tonight have extremely different histories. What?! How?! Get right outta town!

4:05 – NBC News airs a commercial that mentions our financial crisis, escalating unemployment, and the need for balanced coverage in our desperate situation. Next frame: Shots of the absurdly expensive Super Bowl rings while we run down the sponsors (who probably paid with their first born children and 100 401k plans to sponsor this game). Nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

4:08 – Al Michaels gets to introduce the AFC Champion Pittsburgh Steelers and NFC Champion Cardinals. Where’s Alan Roach dammit? We had to sit through a replacement at the last Avalanche game I went to, and they just let Old Balls Michaels do it? I figured Roach would be there, but maybe he just gets to do the parts that no one in tv land gets to hear.

4:10 – Lebron James does a State Farm commercial in which he fantasizes about playing for the Cleveland Browns and wins the Super Bowl. First of all, why should this make me want to buy State Farm? Secondly, we all know Lebron is headed to New York in 2010 so it would have been way funnier to see him in a Giants uniform. And third, we all know the Browns will never, ever win the Super Bowl. I can accept the first two principles, but the third is patently ridiculous.

4:13 – Al Michaels introduces to the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award finalists as Bumhug moves back to his side of the couch. I nominate him for moving back to his side of the goddamn couch.

4:14 – To the shock of no one, Kurt Warner wins. He’s a great man, but as it turns out, the “Kurtis the Stockboy” email is largely bullshit.

4:15 – There’s Roach doing the PA! A yay yay! Whattup Colorado?! Faith Hill then gives a very nice rendition of America The Beautiful as we get shots from military bases around the world. I never understood why we sing the national anthem before sporting events, but I suppose it’s the best way to ensure a large portion of the population doesn’t forget the words. Because we would. You know we would.

4:17 – Alright! The crew of US Airwarys Flight 1549 comes onto the field to accept recognition and to remind us that sports stars aren’t actually heroes, people who prevent hundreds of people from dying in a plane crash are. Awesome. A bit too brief, but awesome.

4:18 – Jennifer Hudson comes out to sing the National Anthem. It’s decent, but her backup music sounds a bit Muzak-y. It’s like if Kenny G were ever allowed near our most sacred song. Hudson has a helluva set of pipes, but I hate when singers go all over the place and make the notes go up and down for what feels like forever. Just sing the note and be done with it.

4:21` – “If someone asked me how they could make money right now, I’d say, ‘Do what I’m doin’. Sell Avon!’” Yeah, because your friends love getting bugged by you every other week to host another insufferable party where everyone is uncomfortable like someone cut a fart in an interrogation room. Sales like this always work! Think of the millions you’ll be bathing in!

4:25 – Michaels and Madden break down the game. If you’ve watched any amount of the coverage from the last two weeks, why would this interest you in the least? Could they possibly say anything that is in any way different from everyone else?

4:26 – The coin toss. Elway’s there. Roger Craig is there probably needling John about blowing out the Broncos in 1990. Pittsburgh picks tails and loses the toss. Arizona defers (!) and elects to kick off. What the hell? Michaels informs us that the NFC has won 12 straight coin tosses, and for whatever reason, I find that completely amazing.

4:28 – Just got another text from Mom: “Yup. Just did another one. Wish me luck.” Mama E is the best.

4:29 – We find out that depending on the outcome of this game, Kurt Warner will contemplate retirement. I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but I am. Kurt’s already better than Brett Favre, why not hang on for a few more years?

4:30 – For those of you who had “before kickoff” in your “When will the cats go gay, but suddenly stop because of a squirrel outside the back door” pool, you win. Also, the game starts and the Steelers take it to about the 30.

4:33 – Roethlisberger tosses it to Hines Ward for 38. Not a good omen for the Cards as Roethlisberger and Ward make Arizona look like amateurs on that play. Willie Parker goes for 10 on the ground on the next play. Could be a long night if you’re an Arizona fan.

4:35 – Roethlisberger easily to Heath Miller who takes it to the 1.

4:36 – The Cardinals finally show a pulse on defense and stuff the run for a four-yard loss. Thank God.

4:37 – Touchdown Steelers on a Roethlisberger scramble. But the Cardinals have decided to challenge on the assertion that the runner was down before he crossed the goal line.

 

4:38 – Bud Light continues its trend of marketing toward idiots and assholes with a commercial that sees a board of executives trying to figure out how to cut costs and throwing one of their guys out of a six-story window after suggesting they eliminate Bud Light from their meetings. Hey, if you’re a complete asshole, drink Bud Light!

4:42 – While peeing (I’ve finished the Grolsch and have moved on to Fat Tire), the Cardinals win the challenge and the Steelers kick a field goal to go up 3-0.

4:45 – Arizona starts at the 27 and gets nothing on their first play. Why in the hell would you try to rush? You know you have washed-up Edgerrin James and overrated Tim Hightower back there and two of the best receivers on the planet, why not throw? What’s the logic here?

4:49 – Lady E has brought out the Chili Cheese Dip, Garlic Lover’s Salsa and baked Tostitos. She then took one of the pretzel chips and dipped it in the cheese dip, then the salsa, then went directly to her mouth like a machine. I try this, and I’m ready to take the flavor, bring it behind the middle school, and get it pregnant.

4:50 – The Cardinals, facing 4^th and 17, punt. This is shaping up to be a long day if you’re a Cardinals fan.

4:51 – Senor Limon neglected to mention that 10,000 BC had Michael Cera in it. Had he, I think I’d have no choice but to make this the pick of the summer. Jack Black, Michael Cera, ridonkulous premise… like you’re not going to love this?

4:53 – The Steelers continue to torch the Cardinals defense as Santonio Holmes breaks one off for 23 yards. Roethlisberger then airs it out for Nate Washington, but some Arizona cornerback with a name I don’t feel like typing flies in out of nowhere to prevent the score. They cut to Larry Fitzgerald on the sideline who looks like he’s about to have a coronary.

4:56 – Roethlisberger extends a play that’s completely insane, and manages to find Heath Miller for 10 yards and the first down. When my dad saw him play against CSU 5 or 6 years ago, he said he looked like “a man playing with boys.” That’s what he looks like playing against a woeful Cardinals defense.

5:00 – The 1^st quarter ends at 3-0. I love when things end in nice round numbers like that.

5:02 – An ad for Fast and Furious comes on in front of us and they managed to get both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel back for it. I know what you’re thinking and  I wondered the same thing? How did they get them both? That’s a miracle! They were both available?! Paul Walker looks intensely at Vin Diesel from his rice rocket and says, “A lot has changed.” Yeah. Eight years ago you were both up and coming actors and now you’re going back to the well after an embarrassing series of flops. A lot has changed indeed. Nice botox though.

5:05 – Will Ferrell has apparently remade Land of the Lost and I am hard-pressed to think of another actor that I turned on so quickly. I loved Old School, loved Anchorman, thought Blades of Glory  was okay and then couldn’t even stomach the thought of seeing Bewitched or Semi-Pro. I think I’d actually rather see The Love Guru than this insipid Land of the Lost remake.

5:07 – Touchdown Steelers. Extra point makes it 10-0. Arizona better do something here or else, we’ll need to call the fight early.

5:12 – What makes you want to buy beer? If you answered “horse love,” congratulations, have a Budweiser.

5:14 – The Cardinals finally start throwing the ball, and what do you know? First down! I know, get outta town!

5:17 – Yet more passing plays, and the Cardinals have converted two more first downs. On the second one Troy Polamalu flew by and missed a tackle like he was a Looney Toon or something. He’s a fantastic player, but maybe a tad overzealous. Maybe just a tad? E Dagger: Master of understatement.

5:19 – Kurt Warner finds Anquan Boldin for about 45 yards and it’s 1^st and goal Cardinals. As soon as I type that, Warner finds Patrick for the score. And thank god, at least it’s still a game.

5:29 – Nothing interesting has happened for the last 10 minutes and I’m pleased because it’s allowed me ample time to contemplate how much Pepto-Bismol I’ll have to drink tonight due to the heartburn from this salsa, cheese dip, beer and coming Sicilian-style pizza. If I make it through work tomorrow semi-lucid, it’ll be a miracle. Although, I hope to God I’m not in the bathroom with the fat guy from the law firm across the hall. He’s bad enough in there on non-holidays, so I hope he does everyone a favor and just calls in sick tomorrow.

5:34 – Hyundai?! Hyundai?!?! HYUNDAI?!?! I love when people yell at each other while speaking Asian. If this isn’t the best commercial of the night, then my name isn’t Brian Fantana.

5:36 – The Cardinals punt with 2:55 left in the second. They get the kickoff in the 2^nd half, but I say if Pittsburgh scores before the half, the Cardinals are fucked. Plus, when your coach looks like the 2^nd guy to play Willie Mays Hayes, I wouldn’t bet against them.

5:39 – Did I mention I’m now drinking Smithwick’s (pronounced SMITT-icks)? Did I also mention they sell it at Fenway Park, which, since Fenway is a complete dump that offers one of the most uncomfortable viewing experiences you can have in a ballpark, is probably its best quality? Needless to say, the game has slowed to a dull, boring, snoozefest since the Cardinals scored and I’m amusing myself by antagonizing Buttfor with my hand under a blanket. To a cat, the hand under the blanket has got to be their most Hitchcock-ian challenge. “Where is this moving menace coming from? It’s so mysterious! I should spoon/attack it from above! This is my best plan to date! I’m a cat! Nothing can stand up to my back feet!”

5:40 – Of course, right as I type that, the Cardinals tip the ball out of Roethlisberger’s hand and intercept it setting themselves up in good position to at least tie it, if not take the lead going into the second half. E Dagger = timing.

5:46 – Cheetos: For passive-aggressive and borderline evil malcontents! Do you hate yourself and those around you? Pick up a bag today!

5:50 – The Cardinals screw the pooch royally as Warner throws an interception on the goal line and Harrison runs the thing all the way back for a score! The last time a guy wearing a 92 jersey ran 100 yards was probably in high school, and just to further prove this point, 5 minutes after the play Harrison is still down on the ground panting like an exhausted golden retriever. The play comes under review because there’s debate about whether or not Harrison was down before the goal line. He came down on Fitzgerald while crossing the goal line – there’s no question here. It’s a touchdown.

5:54 – Harrison finally gets himself some oxygen as the review ends, and it is indeed a touchdown. Harrison looks like he might die after running that all the way back.

5:55 – The half ends and it’s 17-7 Pittsburgh. Mark my words. Stick a fork in Arizona, they’re done.

6:01 – Halftime. Which means it’s time for the cats to resume their gay lick-fest and for Lady E to fire up the oven for our Sicilian-style California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza. Which is more exciting? You decide.

6:05 – A clever “Heroes” ad sees John Elway as the ultimate hero there to save the NFL Legends against the heroes in a football showdown. Denver busts a collective nut.

6:08 – Someone get Buttfor a cigarette. He’s passed out on the fleece blanket after getting a passionate tongue bath from his step-brother. Bruce starts out with “10^th Avenue” and then segues into a crowd-pleasing rendition of “Born to Run.”

6:13 – “Working on a Dream” is the third song and I realize I am woefully ignorant of the Springsteen catalog.

6:15 – Wait, there’s “Glory Days.” I imagine you’d have to be living in a cave somewhere with your fingers in your ears to be unaware of this song. It’s like “Free Fallin’” or goddamn “Sweet Home Alabama” in terms of the American musical lexicon. I can’t even begin to picture a person who wouldn’t know this song. T’was a fine set. Bruce looks like he’ll play ‘til he’s 100. And Steve looks like he’s already about 100.

6:26 – We’re back from my Halftime pizza/piss/cigarette break (not in that order), and I’m ready for the 2^nd half. A big thumbs up for California Pizza Kitchen as their thin crust is crispy like a cracker, but still holds the toppings brilliantly. I’m on beer #4: New Belgium’s Mothership Wit. It’s very light with citrus-y aftertones that, while the light body is appreciated, the citrusness will probably aggravate my impending heartburn.

6:29 – We’re back and the Cardinals take the kickoff to the 27. The first half was, in general, pretty pedestrian football with uninspiring commercials to match. Not the finest Super Bowl I’ve ever witnessed up to this point, Harrison’s spectacular interception return notwithstanding.

6:34 – Warner throws it incomplete, but the refs rule it a fumble and the Steelers recover. Challenge to come, I’m sure. Regardless, the Cards got two first downs thanks to dump offs to Edgerrin James, but Polamalu has completely taken Fitzgerald out of the game. I’m with the Steelers – let James beat us. If you can’t beat the Cardinals when their best weapon is washed-up Edgerrin James, you deserve to lose.

6:37 – Lady is cashing it in (at least temporarily) and heading to the bedroom to read. A half of football is about all she can handle, and the gay kitties go with her. I’m now all alone just like I watched the 2002 Super Bowl and forgot it was on. I think I remembered the game was on after stumbling upon the Puppy Bowl (which I watched today), which is one of the most emasculating things you can watch. But they’re just so damn adorable!

6:39 – The call on Warner is reversed and the Cardinals punt. The sponsors rejoice because they get yet another nice long commercial break. To those who assert that football is the most exciting game on earth, I submit the last 10 minutes as evidence to the contrary.

6:43 – The Arizona guy’s name I don’t want to type commits a retarded face mask penalty and the Steelers get 15 additional yards. The Steelers remind me of the New Jersey Devils of 10 years ago – ruthlessly efficient, but sinfully boring to watch. They’ll just grind you down until you just pray to God the game ends before you turn into Rocky waiting for Adrian to come out of the coma in Rocky II squandering your second chance against Apollo.

6:48 – While the Steelers eat more clock, I take the opportunity to check my email and hit some of my daily links. Friday’s Married to the Sea is priceless and I’ll bet that situation has presented itself more than once today. No word from Mama E, though. Hope she’s surviving her party. God knows the game has probably given way to some insufferable political discussion from people who have neither the knowledge nor perspective to do so intelligently. But, it’s like my dad says, “Hey, they may be stupid, but at least they’re loud.” Why are they friends with these people again?

6:52 – The Steelers make it 20-7, but there’s a personal foul on Adrian Wilson who runs over the holder, so the Steelers get 1^st and 10 on the 5. Nice job, dummy.

6:57 – Three plays later the Steelers can’t stuff it in the endzone and kick the field goal anyway. Wilson’s penalty only costs them a minute and a half instead of 4 points. 20-7 Pittsburgh for real this time.

6:58 – I played with He-Man, WWF action figures, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid. I never gave a shit about Transformers and didn’t even see the first film. Shia LeBouf strikes me as being wildly untalented and annoying. My point: Michael Bay can suck a cock. I’m not seeing Transformers 2.

7:01 – As the Cardinals begin their next drive, Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” can be heard over the stadium PA. Yeah, I’m sure Kurt Warner as a devout Christian family man loves getting hyped up by a rapper who made a career out of homosexual slurs and songs about substance abuse and murdering one’s spouse. That sounds sooooo Kurt Warner.

7:04 – Following up on this because the Cardinals are wasting time running the ball and it’s the end of the 3^rd quarter (plus I’m bored with the game), what would be Kurt Warner’s least favorite musical artist? Ludacris? Insane Clown Posse? The Jesus Lizard? What do you think?

7:08 – The Cardinals now have more penalty yards than anyone in Super Bowl history since Denver’s abysmal performance against Dallas in 1977. Quality work executing tonight, ‘Zona!

7:10 – Hey, more commercials! The NFL: Feel the excitement! On the plus side, there’s a stray Amstel Light in the fridge which I’m drinking now. We bought some heavy freaking beer for this, and I’m stoked a lighter one is still hiding in there for me in my almost-uncomfortably bloated state.

 

7:12 – Amazing. Arizona takes another penalty putting them at 96 penalty yards on the night. Who choked worse? Arizona against the Steelers tonight or George Bush against Rold Gold in 2002? Your thoughts? Send them to edagger@crujonessociety.com because I’m fucking bored.

7:15 – The Steelers punt and Steve Breaston fails to call for the fair catch and gets leveled by a Steelers special teamer. I half-expected to hear Jim Ross say “No fair catches in the XFL!” like he did throughout every 2001 WWF pay-per-view.

7:17 – Finally some good commercials! Troy Polamalu strips a Coke executive of his shirt and tosses it to a kid in a Mean Joe Greene Coke Zero tribute while Ed McMahon says goodbye to an “old friend” – his solid gold toilet. Classic!

7:20 – While in the pisser (damn this tiny bladder!), the Cardinals go about 60 yards and end up in the red zone. Maybe I am for the Cardinals what Lady E is for the Avalanche. Every game she’s gone to for the last year and a half, they’ve lost.  She’s taken one for the team and promised to abstain from any more games this year. Unfortunately for Arizona, I’ve got a live blog to do. No such luck for them!

7:25 – Larry Fitzgerald finally catches a touchdown by winning a high jump contest against the defender. 20-14 Steelers with about 8 minutes to go.

7:31 – The Steelers are forced to punt with 5:40 to go and things are potentially very interesting.

7:33 – Richard Dean Anderson shows up in a MacGruber-inspired Pepsi commercial that’s fan-freaking-tastic. Pepsuber!!!

7:35 – Not to be outdone by Arizona in the needless penalty department, Ike Taylor takes a moronic 15 yard unnecessary roughness penalty. Less than five minutes to play, Arizona with momentum, yeah… definitely a good time to get in Anquan Boldin’s face while he’s out of bounds, jagweed.

7:39 – The Cardinals face 4^th and 20 on Pittsburgh’s 36 yard line and punt. In the words of Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Game over.

7:40 – James Harrison punches the Arizona lineman while he’s down during the punt putting Pittsburgh on their own 1. What the fuck is up with all the dickhead penalties tonight? I hope when the game’s over these guys take it out to the parking lot and beat the shit out of each other with steel chairs. I’m sorry, did someone say there’s a roid rage problem in the NFL? I haven’t heard. Seems to only be baseball’s problem, right?

7:44 – The Cardinals fail to hold ‘em as Santonio Holmes catches it 25 yards downfield… Or so I thought. As it turns out, there’s a holding call in the endzone resulting in a safety for the Cardinals and they have new life! 20-16 Pittsburgh with 2:58 left.

7:47 – Larry Fitzgerald catches a seam in the middle of the field and takes it 64 to the house! 23-20 Cardinals! Holy shit! The Steelers have 2:37 and 2 timeouts to play with. The 3^rd quarter licked balls. The 4^th has turned out to be amazing!

7:50 – If you look at the entry from 7:39, it appears as though I’ll be ready to eat my hat. So much for Easterbrook’s theories. He’s an intelligent guy, but can be sort of an asshat sometimes.

7:52 – Two minute warning. Can you say 2009 World Champions: Arizona Cardinals? Didn’t think so. We have a black president and the freaking Arizona Cardinals are on the verge of becoming football world champions. Can someone check the temperature in hell?

7:55 – The Cardinals stupidly blitz on 3^rd and 6 and Ben gets it off for a first down. Why would you blitz there instead of dropping 8 guys into coverage? Make sure Holmes, Ward, and Miller are well-covered and take your chances on the rush. Why is this so hard? Another quick first down follows.

7:56 – Timeout Steelers. In spite of myself, I’m amped up for the end of this game. I have nothing invested in it, but this 4^th quarter has been so damned entertaining, my heart is racing. Of course, it could just be cholesterol poisoning from the food today combined with alcohol, but who knows?

7:57 – Roethlisberger finds Santonio Holmes up the seam and he takes it to the 5. That’s the proverbial dagger (no pun intended) in Lady E’s heart because she’s pulling for Arizona for some reason.

7:59 – After having one slip through his fingers the play before, Santonio Holmes makes a remarkable catch in the back corner of the endzone with 35 seconds to go. Unbelievable!

8:03 – The catch is reviewed, and sure enough, it’s a touchdown. The Cardinals have just under a half minute to go 78 yards. Madden says they have two timeouts, but really? It’s 29 fucking seconds, you dick. You don’t have any time to fuck around with.

8:05 – Fitzgerald catches it at their own 44 with 22 seconds to go. The Cardinals take a timeout.

8:06 – Arrington gets about 13 more and the Cardinals take their final timeout. Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger look like they’re 12 years old about to ride their first roller coaster on the sideline.

8:08 – Warner scrambles, eats up almost all the time, tries to heave it downfield, gets his arm knocked, and the ball comes out like it was thrown by Willis the Retarded Home-Schooled Kid, and it’s ruled a fumble. There’s no review, and the Steelers kneel it down for their 6th Super Bowl title.

8:09 – Kind of a weird ending, but apparently while it’s not as blisteringly hot in hell as it used to be considering Barack Obama is still in office, it’s definitely not frozen because the Cardinals come up short despite one hell of an effort.

8:11 – John Madden claims that “both teams just played so well” and I have to call shenanigans. Arizona takes 100 yards in penalties, gets no rushing game and gives up a ricockulous interception to close out the first half. It’s comments like that that earn John Madden the ridicule he gets. He’s a moron.

8:13 – I’m going to have one more beer and enjoy The Office before going to bed and dreading work in the morning. As for you all, we’ll see you tomorrow for the CJS Confessional. Have a pleasant evening, and we’ll see you again soon.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com