Cru Jones Society

 

Last September Dagger posted the Ten Oddest DVDs in his collection. At the end of the article he mentioned some of the lesser quality movies I own, or have owned. So I thought I would drop some knowledge and inform every one of the 10 oddest videos in my collection.

I will be the first to admit these films do not come any where near the cinematic excellence set by Dagger’s picks of An Innocent Man or Gung Ho, but dammit, I enjoy them. Maybe these will make you feel better about some of the movies taking up space in your home. Ok let’s get in focus and roll film.

10. American Pimp

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Is Ice T in this? Is it about rap? Did you get this because you felt only having four DVDs that begin with the word “American” wasn’t enough?

So, you own this because… it was a gift. Mr. E Dagger himself gave this to me for Christmas or a birthday or the 34^th anniversary of the moon landing or something.

Not being the kind of person to look a gift horse in the mouth, I gave the movie a chance. It is a fascinating look into a world I wasn’t too familiar with. It’s a documentary, a genre that doesn’t really change between filmmakers, but the subject matter and the characters and fantastic. These are people that inspired characters like Huggy Bear, but are absolutely nothing like him. I also enjoy this film because I had an ex-girlfriend who became so furious with it because of the pimp’s derogatory and demeaning way of talking to and about women. She was way too uptight and I like remembering when she got pissed off over the dumbest things.

9. Final Destination

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Final Destination? Really? . . . Really?

So, you own this because… again, it was a gift. I caught it on television once and began to over think and over analyze this movie to death. Then I felt the need to share these thoughts with my roommate at the time, she didn’t care. But I talked about enough that she decided to give it to me for my 21^st birthday.

I do find the film’s concept and ideas about fate and destiny interesting. Though I feel they phoned in the ending a little. Don’t even get me started on the second one. According to the theory they figure out in the first, I find it very hard to believe Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) survives as long as she does. But I digress, the first I enjoy and will leave it at that.

8. The Good Girl

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Maybe you leave your purse at home at let your husband pick the movies, Hart.

So, you own this because… it is a swell movie. It has a good story; Jennifer Aniston gives a good performance, as does Jake Gyllenhaal. This was one of the first times I actually saw Jennifer Aniston as a character other than Rachel Green and saw her depth. Something about the whole feel of this movie relaxes me.

I also really like the part where Aniston asks Gyllenhaal what he’s reading and he replies, “Catcher in the Rye. I’m named after it.” Aniston then asks, “What’s your name? Catcher?” It’s a stupid jokes, but delivered well you can’t help but giggle a little.

7. K-Pax

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: I love the fact that sandwiched between a movie about a giant monkey and punk rock legend Joe Strummer, you have this fruity piece about a supposed alien.

So, you own this because… after just seeing American Beauty and The Usual Suspects, I felt Spacey could do no wrong, then again I also thought the Washington Generals would win, and reality TV was just a passing fad.

I have kept this DVD because I find it to be more relaxing than The Good Girl. This movie puts me to sleep quicker than two shots of generic Nyquil. I haven’t seen more than the first ten minutes of this movie since the first time I watched it.

6. Shadow of the Vampire

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Is this anything like Twilight, or that vampire movie with Keanu?

So, you own this because… it’s dark, awesome, and Dafoe is creepy as hell. Normally I don’t give two shits about vampires, but I find the story interesting, and creepy. Malkovich and Dafoe really give their characters that extra something that makes this compelling. It also leaves the audience wondering if Schreck really believed he was a vampire and was killing his co-stars. Creepy, I’m not sure if I mentioned that.

5. Made

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Is this episodes of the MTV series that takes losers, dorks, and outcasts and after MTV shows their buffoonery they help them reach some less than spectacular dream?

So, you own this because… it’s Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn trying to capture what they had in Swingers. They have the chemistry they showed in Swingers, but the charm is missing. It is a funny look at crime drama, but not the farce that Mafia! was. Oh, and Famke Janssen plays a striper, not as well or as naked as Marissa Tomei though, but still, Famke!

4. Cannibal! The Musical

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Dude you have a musical? I think we need your man card back, and please don’t make me fight you for like you’re a Jet and I’m a Shark.

So, you own this because… it is funny as hell! Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s first movie, back when Cartman was just a doodle in the margin of the notes they were taking.

Remember those funny ass songs from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut? Trey Parker wrote similar songs for this movie. Songs that use the word “shpadoinkle” or about building snowmen, all as backdrops to the story of Colorado’s most famous cannibal, Alfred Packer (the only person in America to ever be convicted of cannibalism).

This DVD also contains some of the best special features of my entire collection. Such features as a recording of a stage performance of Cannibal! The Musical. A commentary where at one point it goes silent and when it returns everybody is drunk of their asses. But the crème de le crème is a hermaphrodite public service announcement with Lemmy

3. D.C. Cab

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Is this Mr. T? Wait, what the hell is this?

So, you own this because… Mr. T dammit! Did you not read above? This movie has Mr. T as well as Gary Busey and one of the lesser Baldwins. It also has some ridiculous comedy, over the top action, and some topless dames. Those are a few of my favorite things, not raindrops on roses, or soft puppy noses. If the movie had all the above but was put on BMX instead of in taxicabs it would be the perfect movie.

2.  Freddy Got Fingered

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: oh yeah, I remember Tom Green. I heard this movie was awful.

So, you own this because… sometimes I just like stupid comedic antics. I am well aware of the nonsensical plot, and the unrealistic characters, and I can get past the intolerable nastiness off Rip Torn’s character. I look beyond all these things and just take pleasure in the sheer stupidity of whatever Tom Green does. Like wearing a suit Kriss Kross style and looking in a full length mirror stating he’s the backwards man and walking to and from the mirror. It serves no purpose but dammit if I’m not laughing.

1. The Monster Squad

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing it on My Shelf: Monster Squad? I think I remember this? Ooo, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, let’s watch that!

So, you own this because… it’s a favorite movie from my childhood. I watched this so many times as a youth. I am pretty sure I nearly pissed myself in excitement when I found it on DVD a year ago.

This may have been the movie that taught me not to be afraid of monsters or weird old German guys. It also taught me what a virgin was and that wolfman has nards. How can you not like a movie that uses the word “nards”?

After four and a half months you finally have my list of odd DVDs in my collection. Go ahead and make fun, I’m sure I deserve it on a few. I don’t care though; they all serve a purpose and entertain me. If they would just release Rad and Ski Patrol we would all be happy and sleep a little better.

See ya at the Razzies…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com