There is something that’s been in the back of my mind for a long time, I just don’t understand pop culture’s fascination with monkeys, especially chimpanzees. Yes, they have big eyes and expressive human like faces. They can open bananas with their feet, and those Japanese white ones even hang around in hot springs like old men at my health club. Which incidentally includes being stark ass naked, which is probably why I stopped going there, but I digress. With apologies to Dane Cook, does anyone really want to have a monkey around?
Monkeys are pure evil. Not only do they smell terrible, they poo wherever they feel like and feel entitled to fling it in the general direction of anyone that happens to displease them. What other animal flings poo and is allowed to interact with human beings, let alone be dressed up in tiny clothing? Some people seem to find it endearing when a monkey is taught to ride a tricycle, gets dressed up in adorable uniforms, make little kissy faces, or when a Gorilla at the local zoo that can’t conceive adopts a tiny kitten or learns to communicate with scientists using sign language. What everyone doesn’t understand is that given the opportunity, any monkey would rise up against its humanoid oppressors, and had it the ability, probably try to take over the world. More importantly, I’d like to reiterate that It just isn’t cute.
Did you know that the adorable 90lb diaper wearing chimp you see performing tricks and smiling for your amusement is perfectly capable of ripping you in half by merely grabbing your arms and tugging firmly in either direction? Yes, your average Chimpanzee has the strength of five adult men. Consider this along with the fact that they have opposable thumbs, giving them the ability to grasp anything we’ve designed to use against them for use right back against us. Monkeys are also excellent climbers. Keep that in mind next time Jack Hannah strolls out on the Tonight show with one of those filthy little banana eaters perched on top of his shoulders.
Fortunately the above pictured chimpanzee’s technique is poor. His grip is loose, and support hand placement over the slide means that he will have an extremely sore thumb after firing that weapon. The weapon is also canted much too far to the side for anything but cross-eye dominant shooting. I for one am still not pleased with this new found ability. Terminator had us all afraid of the day SkyNet would become self aware. We should have been more worried about the ill intentions of our simian “brothers.” When they have become proficient using small arms, its time for us all to worry a little.
As you can see from the incriminating photograph above, a monkey has the innate desire to rise up against his human masters, only after some time to they acquire the skill to allow this ability to lie dormant, waiting patiently, making silly faces until the opportunity arises to strike back. Who knows when the time will come? Charleton Heston wasn’t fooled, Matk Whalberg wasn’t fooled, and if the evil monkey living in Chris Griffin’s closet is any indication, Seth MacFarlane isn’t fooled but for how long will we allow our opposable thumb-having relatives to walk freely among us, posing as entertainment. I for one wouldn’t relish a grisly death by monkey attack, and I’ll be ready.
Until Next time, A vote for Freedom is a vote for longarms, is a vote against simian subjugation …
04 Feb 2009 Senor Limon