1152x864_house_wallpaper02.jpg

I’m not too sure how many House fans we have out there, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been enjoying the episodes on DVD via Netflix for quite some time now.   Somewhere along the way I realized that certain elements of the writing on the show lends itself pretty well to a drinking game. Being the young upstart/problem drinker that I am, I’ve decided to create one.   Since I’m pretty much making this up as I go along, I have no idea if you’d just be a little tipsy or full on hammered after playing along, but that’s really all part of the fun, isn’t it?

There are many cues to drink while playing the House: M.D. Drinking game, but as someone who is no stranger to drinking games, along the way I’ve realized a few things. Among them: when the room starts spinning, you’re best off to just pull the trigger and throw up, because once you reach this point it’s pretty much an inevitability and you might as well get the whole thing over with.   I’ve also learned that as a game progresses it becomes progressively more difficult to remember a bunch of complicated rules. With this in mind, if necessary, you can forget any number of the rules for the House: M.D. Game save for these two:

  • Every time House takes a Vicodin:                Take a Drink
  • Every time a new symptom shows up:          Take a Drink

Both are bound to happen dozens of times in any given show, and even the most distracted drunk can keep an eye out for this one. Also, this way everyone has something to look out for and not just the nerdlinger who has the rule sheet in front of him (probably me).

Note the dual pocket protectors.  Why would someone who spends so much time on a computer need so many pens?

The rest of the game is divided up into several categories: Diagnoses, Tests, Treatments, and Random Houseness.   First up is Diagnoses.  One of the trademarks of the show is rapid-fire medical drama, as the doctors go back and forth venturing forth medical theories as to why the patient is rapidly dying off in some other room, However, anyone who watches the show regularly is bound to notice that there are a few usual suspects that seem to come up every week.   My theory is either that the show’s writers aren’t doctors and only have a few go-to illnesses, or this whole medicine thing isn’t as complicated as your doctor would like to make it seem….

If you’re in the mood to get particularly trashed, feel free to drink every time one of the below is mentioned even as the merits of each are bantered back and forth.

Diagnoses:

  • Cameron thinks its autoimmune:     Take 2 Drinks
  • Foreman thinks its neurological:     Take 2 Drinks
  • Willson thinks its cancer:     Take 3 Drinks
  • Lupus:      Take 1 Drink
  • Paraneoplastic syndrome:        Take 1 Drink
  • M.S:      Take 1 Drink
  • STD:     Take 3 Drinks
  • Fungal:      Take 1 Drink
  • Viral:      Take 1 Drink
  • Bacterial:       Take 1 Drink
  • Vasculitis:      Take 2 Drinks
  • Genetic Disorder:      Take 2 Drinks
  • Any other -itis:      Take 1 Drink
  • Any other -osis:      Take 1 Drink

OK, I give in, its autoimmune.

 

House is a big fan of doing all kinds of crazy shit to people, most of which will maim them for life, in the name of finding out whats wrong with them.

Treatment:

  • Broad Spectrum Antibiotics:      Take 1 Drink
  • IVIG:       Take 1 Drink
  • Amputations:      Take 4 Drinks
  • Brain Surgery:       Take 2 Drinks
  • Removing an Organ:     Take 2 Drinks

Occasionally the doctors on the show will actually bother to run some tests to find out whats wrong with people, occasionally they don’t. Either way, you’ll be getting drunk, and the poor patient will be subjected to more needle, probes and uncomfortable medical procedures in the course of 60 minutes than any human should have to endure in a lifetime.

Tests:

  • Brain Biopsy:       Take 3 Drinks
  • Some other Biopsy:       Take 1 Drink
  • Lumbar Puncture:     Take 1 Drink
  • Cardio/Pulminary Stress test:     Drink until the person keels over
  • CT scan:      Take 2 drinks
  • MRI:       Take 3 drinks

Limey brit as the American misanthropic practioner Gregory House is the reason the show is worth watching.  He’s miserable, rude, and doesn’t give a fuck, and has a personality that continually defies explanation by those around him. but his undeniable brilliance means that everyone around him must put up with his shit.  Here’s a few reasons to drink to the character that made this show worth watching.  I’m willing to watch despite the fact that he consistently sports one of my most reviled fashion statements:  Sport Coat without a tie (sometimes over a fucking t-shirt), jeans, and cross trainers.  Next I’ll probably find out that sometimes he tucks in shirts without wearing a belt.

 seriously, everyone around you dresses decently, fuck.

Random Houseness:

  • House comments on Cuddys breasts:     Take 5 Drinks
  • …refers to them as the fun bags of fundraising:        Finish your beer
  • House Comments on anyone else’s breasts:      Take 2 Drinks
  • Chase tells his tonsil story:      Take 5 Drinks
  • House does clinic duty:     1 Drink per patient
  • House calls for a consult:     Take 2 Drinks
  • … for the sole purpose of oogling a hottie:     Take 8 Drinks
  • House visits a coma patient:      Take 2 Drinks
  • House steals from Wilson:     Take 5 Drinks

Eventually the show comes to an end.  Chances are you’ve watched roughly 15 minutes of commercials, about 15 minutes moving the plot forward, and 30 minutes of formula predictable enough to drink along with the stuff that comes up every week.  Still, the show is fun to watch and the characters keep me coming back week after week.  As the credits are rolling, take a minute to remember the patient nobody really cared about in the first place.

Resolution:

  • House was right:     Take 3 Drinks
  • Someone else was right:       Finish your beer
  • Patient dies:       Take 8 Drinks

 Another happy customer

So, there you have it. When the last half of Season 3 shows up at CJS, We’ll let you all know if we had to re-read that hangover article for a few new ideas or not.

senor.limon@crujonessociety.com