Reasonable rendering of E Dagger

The Cru Jones Society wraps up this week’s “25 Things” feature we totally stole from Facebook with the things you may not know about E Dagger. Time to delve into more weirdness courtesy of the CJS!

  1. It gives Dagger the piss shivers whenever anyone rubs velvet against the grain. He fucking HATES that.
  1. Dagger’s favorite Family Feud host was Richard Dawson for his, as noted in the comments section, apparent drunkenness and tendency to grope the contestants like a creepy uncle. Ray Combs is a close second because he yelled “Survey…SAYS!” more enthusiastically than any other host.
  1. On the other hand, Dagger believes we can all agree that Louie Anderson was far and away the worst host in Family Feud history.
  1. If Dagger could be a famous baseball player for one day, here is who he would like to be: 1) Ryne Sandberg in 1984; 2) Rickey Henderson in 1982; 3) Rick Vaughn in 1989; 4) Joe Carter in 1993; and 5) Ellen Sue Gotlander in 1943.

Touch ‘em all, Joe! You’ll never hit a bigger one!

  1. While not writing for the Cru Jones Society, Dagger spends most of his day either Googling himself and lamenting the fact that he named himself after a Lagwagon song, or watching reruns of the Mark Harmon vehicle “Jag” on USA silently weeping that he passed up the lead role of Harmon “Harm” Rabb, Jr. in favor of going to college.
  1. Thinks the DMV is actually a secret recruiting center for the Freemasons.
  1. While on his World Tour in 2001, Dagger got Kid Rock to admit that his song “American Badass” was actually inspired by Tom Selleck’s character in the 1990 film Quigley Down Under. Kid Rock then further admitted that he’d never actually seen the movie, so he wrote the song based on what he saw in the previews.
  1. Made it to the final round of 25 in auditioning for a reality show called “Rally Racer” that never made it to air. His audition tape concluded with a trip to iconic pornography superstore Kitty’s South on Broadway while wearing assless jeans.
  1. Wrote a treatment of Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion based on the experiences of his twin cousins and was on the verge of selling it to Paramount, but had it stolen from him by Robin Schiff, whom Dagger will never forgive.

What could have been…

  1. Cannot stop eating Lady E’s breathtakingly delicious tortilla soup until he is uncomfortably and disgustingly full. If given half a chance, Dagger would probably gorge himself to death like that guy at the beginning of the movie Se7en who becomes “gluttony.” Yes, the idea of that is disgusting, but you can’t judge because you haven’t tasted this soup.
  1. Once made up a sick joke having something to do with cutting off people’s scalps and putting them in mailboxes that made Hart laugh so hard he nearly pissed himself. Dagger can’t for the life of him remember this joke and counts this as one his five greatest disappointments in life.
  1. Dagger thinks the following are the four most loathsome professions a person can have in the world (in descending order): 4) Street beggar; 3) Designated hitter; 2) Incurable leper; 1) Celebrity gossip columnist
  1. Dagger somehow went two years after its release before hearing the song “Hey Ya!” by Outkast. He honestly wondered why everyone was suddenly infatuated with Polaroid cameras once again despite digital camera proliferation.
  1. Dagger’s favorite misdemeanor is not loitering nor disturbing the peace, but jaywalking. Not just jaywalking, but jaywalking FABULOUSLY!
  1. Dagger’s Law was passed in 1995 and mandated the inclusion of side-impact airbags in all vehicles made after 2003. On a related note, Dagger is incapable of smelling lavender or seeing windowpane patterns on suits.

Seriously, good god…

  1. Dagger thinks the most terrifying characters in the history of advertising are the Duracell family, that humungo-headed motherfucker Jack from Jack in the Box, and the flirtatious hand couple that always fights over Country Crock.
  1. If he had to pinpoint it, Dagger would count seeing that stripper with the missing tooth and giant demon backpiece tattoo move her g-string to the side to reveal a profoundly nasty undercarriage in Wasilla, AK as the exact moment he was no longer enamored with strip clubs.
  1. Dagger has never tasted guava and never wants to. Go fuck yourselves, guava lobby!
  1. Based on his experience in business, Dagger thinks these should be the most powerful companies in the entire world (if they’re not already, he doesn’t know): 1) GE; 2) Mongoose Bicycles; 3) Laughing Cow Cheese; 4) Jordache Jeans; 5) In ‘N Out Burger; 6) Honda Motors; 7) Some company that does Internet shit – I don’t know, Lycos?
  1. Dagger would give anything if he could forget the memory of that time he ate that sandwich in that meeting where the bottom piece of bread was all soggy from sitting in pickle juice that leaked onto the tray during the ride over from the deli to the conference room.

Yeah, we have same birthday and you don’t… No big deal.

  1. Dagger’s birthday is the same day as Daniel Stern, Jason Priestley, Jack Black, Shania Twain, LeAnn Rimes, and Janet Evans. Jealous?
  1. If Dagger were President, he’d hold a “dance-off with your pants-off” contest to determine who became Secretary of Commerce for the first month. At the conclusion of that month, Dagger would appoint his real Commerce Secretary the old fashioned way – the winner of a two-man sack race held in the secret White House two-man sack race room in the basement. Punch would be served.
  1. The amount of words in your average Senor Limon or Lee S. Hart post is generally the amount of words Dagger uses in a standard greeting card.
  1. If Dagger were more of a sipper, he’d drink whiskey more often. Since he tends to be a gulper, he sticks mostly to beer to avoid the inevitable heartburn/hangover/death that comes with gulping whiskey.
  1. Dagger’s favorite new show this season is “The Big Bang Theory” by a wide margin. Dagger recommends this show as heartily as he recommends eating at Smashburger and taking a different way home from work than usual.

*Some of these items may not be true.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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