Cru Jones Society

It’s Friday, we don’t want to be working, you don’t want to be working, so let’s waste company time with a brand new batch of links, some pictures, a couple of videos, and of course your Demotivator for the week. Chewbacca throws out the first pitch and we are underway!

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Quick note regarding next week’s schedule: Monday Confessional will be moved to Tuesday. Monday will feature Dagger’s Live Blog of the Oscars. Wednesday and Thursday will feature articles from our guest correspondents, winners of Food, Sex, or Cars? R and Keithage. Finally we will have an all new Happy Friday next Friday. We were worried this wasn’t going to work out because Plant World didn’t want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk Plant World into changing with Cooking World. Although they didn’t want to change at first. But fortunately White Supremacy World was canceled and all the trades worked out. So be sure to join us next week.

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Occasionally we post an article here at CJS that may state something crazy, like monkeys are not as cute as Hollywood would have us believe and that they are in fact out to destroy our world and make us their slaves. Then two weeks later a news story comes across the CJS desk and we feel vindicated. To quote Phillip J. Fry, “Crazy theories one, regular theories a billion.”

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The pictures alone in this article were enough to make us uncomfortable. Once we read the corresponding text we became afraid to turn out the lights. And we’re pretty sure waking up to the scene of a giant spider giving birth to millions of other little giant spiders on our ceiling or seeing a snake literally flying towards us in the air would cause us to emit a girlish scream that would shatter every pane of glass in a quarter mile radius.

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We received this email and found the author offered some great advice. We felt it was our obligation to pass this on to our readers:

I had been putting up with the chirping of crickets in my laundry room for months until I thought I should do something about them. On the Internet, I found an encyclopedia of information about crickets: the damage they do to your home and what can be done to get rid of them … at the cost of $40 for a gallon of “stuff” to spray around the infested room.

Dinner guests the other evening called my attention to the chirping. I told them of the cricket infestation. They accepted the fact I might have crickets, but did not accept the fact what they were hearing were crickets. They convinced me it was from one of the smoke detectors. We checked the detectors and, sure enough, there was one with a faulty battery.

So, if your hearing is waning and you hear crickets chirping in your belfry – check your smoke alarms.

S.K.

Thank you, S.K.

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We have been flooded with emails begging for the Society to include more pornographic material. All of these emails have come from Limon and Hart. Regardless, we have decided to oblige. First off we want to share this story about Japan ceasing production of weirdo porn. And since they won’t be making any more we decided this nugget needed to make one last appearance. Enjoy, ya pervs.

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Here’s the part of Happy Friday where we share some sports related links. We only write that to give a warning to those readers that are tired of all our baseball talk. If that’s you, feel free to scroll down to the next picture. We won’t be offended, hell, we won’t even know.

Pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training this week (some of them in a lot better shape thanks to Wii Fit) and of course the big story was A-Rod, still. While other sites would give you Jeter’s thoughts, or a complicated timeline of  the “steroid era”, or Bud Selig saying something stupid and being one of the two worst sports commissioners at the moment (yeah, Bettman, you’re the other). We won’t give you any of those. We say fuck those guys, (that includes you too Bettman) we want to hear from a player we really care about, Mae Mordabito.

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In Bud Selig’s three ring circus known as Major League Baseball it can be hard to take your attention away from the clowns and watch the, um, the, ok this metaphor fell apart since we’re not sure what one would want to watch at a circus that would be equal to watching ball players who love the game, play it the right way, and have a ton of fun doing it. Players like Spilly and Holliday.

 

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Baseball is only in its pre-season, so let’s switch over to a sport in full swing, hockey.

In case you missed it Wednesday night, Alexander Ovechkin, of the Washington Capitals, proved he will always be better than you at hockey as he scored a goal flat on his ass. But as this second video will show that’s just one of a million different ways AO will make a goalie look like he was just called up from the Junior Goodwill Games. Now imagine if those goal tenders had to face all those shots without a mask. Here’s a brief history on how those mask came to be.

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At one point we tried to use Twitter as an aide to the Society. Mostly we got annoyed and couldn’t understand how Twitter could be used for anything other than navel gazing. It took a surgical team at the Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit to show us how Twitter is changing medical science. Once again, doctors are making us look bad.

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How about some music news?

No?

Too bad!

The Beatles are probably the most loved band ever, yet people turned on them when they declared they were bigger than Jesus. Kanye West is a rapper that some people like and he has just stated, “I’m the f***ing end-all, be-all of music.” Suppose there will be any ramifications from that? Seriously? The end-all, be-all of music? Guess a near death car accident only humbles somebody for so long. Get bent you peckerneck!

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Ozzy Osbourne, figuring he can’t compete since Kanye is the end-all, be-all of music, has stated there will be no Ozzfest this summer. Though from reading the comments section we get the impression Ozzfest hasn’t been good since Iron Maiden was part of it. But for those of you in desperate need of your Ozzy fix don’t fret. Sharon will be whoring him out on another television show. So, is it better to burn out or to fade away?

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Entertainment Weekly has compiled a list of the 25 Greatest Active Directors. Maybe one of them directed the movie that is your response to the Monday Confessional. That question again is, What beloved movie that everyone else seems to love, do you despise and why? Get your answers to staff@crujonessociety.com by tomorrow, and you’ll be able to watch the Oscars in peace.

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Before we get to the Demotivator, we want to bring an important issue to the forefront, The Great Guinness Toast. A movement designed to make St. Patrick’s Day an official holiday. This year marks the 250^th anniversary of Guinness and their head Brew Master, Fergal Murray, made a trip to Denver for the occasion. According to the drunk we were bullying the jukebox with; Fergal was in the bar with us last Friday. So raise a pint and enjoy the weekend!

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CJS coloring book coming soon, and shit. Yo.

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com