Cru Jones Society

This weeks confessional is a topic very dear to many of our reader’s hearts: The movie. Everyone out there has favorites, and as we’ve already visited, many of us have sat through some of the worst piles of excrement ever committed to celluloid. This time around, we’ll be visiting movies that everyone seems to like, but you just can’t stand.   So, on with the show.  As always CJS staff is up first followed by responses by our loyal readers.

E Dagger: I guess I’ve never understood why everyone thinks the Mel Brooks collection is so funny. I have yet to get more than a mild chuckle out of any of his gags. We get it, Mel. You’re Jewish. You hate Hitler. You think silly names are hilarious. Is there more to this that I’m missing? What’s the appeal here? Blazing Saddles is as close to funny as Mel Brooks has come for me, History of the World is poorly reheated borscht-belt schtick, Spaceballs is incredibly forced (A “mog” named Barf? Yogurt? Give me a break.), and The Producers is one of the five most wildly irritating movies ever conceived. I could go on and on about his entire catalog, but poking fun at something like Dracula: Dead and Loving It is really just piling on at this point. Let’s just stop there for everyone’s benefit.

In a similar vein, why is everyone so eager to anoint Wes Anderson a genius? Disaffected, disenchanted, emotionally-stunted manchild makes vaguely mean-spirited pithy rejoinders at everyone around him while trying to rediscover his innocence/get on with his life/be forgiven for past transgressions or all three at once. This is the plot of EVERY movie Wes Anderson makes. I’ll grant that he’s got a unique visual style, but watching these same remarkably unlikable character types again and again is just plain laborious. I like exactly one Wes Anderson movie: Rushmore, probably because it’s the first one I saw. Lady E loves The Royal Tenenbaums. I know people who swear to me that The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is funny (I can’t for the life of me figure out why). So I think you might only be allowed to like one Wes Anderson film for the rest of your life lest you become a pretentious fuckhole. Investing yourself too much in more than one of these movies will likely inspire you to become a socially awkward misfit who smokes too much and relates to the world in an either hyper-self-aware or hyper-ironic way. Either way, you’re likely someone I don’t want to know.

Senor Limon: From the moment I saw it, I just couldn’t buy into Con Air.  Years later, I was shocked to find out that many people out there regard the movie in a positive light, since then I have actually seen Con Air on People’s lists of their favorite action movies of all time.  Con Air highlights one of my fundamental issues with action movies.   For me, the movie needs to either be set in reality, where the things that happen and things the characters do are plausible and grounded what is actually possible, or set the movie in some fantasy world where there is magic, hobbits, lasers or whatever and as a result its easy enough to buy into everything that happens.

The one thing my brain cannot handle is when I’m watching a movie that is supposed to be grounded in reality and a bunch of ridiculous impossible shit happens.   I completely take myself out of the movie and spend all my energy dissecting how what just happened was impossible. Odd? Maybe, but Con Air is a completely unwatchable movie for me.  The plot is as unbelievable, the characters one dimensional, and Nicholas Cage’s hair is as bad as his southern accent.  Given that I find the completely over the top action scenes maddening to watch.  From the start to the completely unbelievable (in a bad way) finale on the Las Vegas strip, Con Air leaves me angry and frustrated every time I watch it.

Lee S. Hart:  Back in the day, before my dreams and aspirations were destroyed by the cruel fate of working, paying bills and borderline alcoholism I used to have a desire to be a movie director. In this pursuit I thought it was necessary for me to see as many of the top rated movies ever. So one day I decided it was time to see everyone’s all time number one greatest movie ever made Citizen Kane.

Two hours later I was disappointed.

If you read any countdown of all time great movies, Citizen Kane is bound to be ranked high on the list. People praise the hell out of this movie, so much so I’m surprised they even still watch movies since no movie will ever be as good as Citizen Kane. As for me, if I ever see Citizen Kane again, it will be too soon.
I suppose the hype of the movie was too much that it never had a chance to live up to it. Or it could be that the movie is slow paced. A third option might be I knew the ending thanks to an episode of Tiny Toon Adventures and an episode of the Simpsons.  Whatever the reason was, I just cannot see why this movie is so well loved by people, then again I am the same person who doesn’t like the Beatles.

A movie I don’t despise, but can’t figure out why so many people love it is, I’ll probably get crucified for this, The Big Lebowski. I’ve watched this a few times, like I said I don’t hate, but I don’t love it. I think it’s alright. I just don’t know why it has such a huge fan base. I don’t think the comedy or the story is any more or less different from other Coen Brothers movies. So I am confused as to why people are so drawn to this particular one.

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And now on with our reader submissions.  This week, all of our readers submitted responses for different movies, and we have to say you all make some good points.  That is save for augie.maestas, who for some inexplicable reason doesn’t like one of our favorite movies.

augie.maestas: I am going to have to go with Pulp Fiction. I cannot stand this movie, however, don’t get me wrong, some good lines came from it, but as much as everyone likes it, I can’t stand watching it. I have tried many different ways and it just didn’t work (high, drunk, etc.). I hate watching this movie, especially when it was on all the time on FX. Can someone explain to me why they like this movie so damn much?

CassieB: I hesitated on posting to this question in the fear that overall judgment for “CassieB” would be tarnished that all future posts will be ridiculed and scorned. But you asked, so here it goes.

Worst movie that everyone seems to love but I can’t stand: Hoosiers.

You may ask: What isn’t to like about a feel good movie in which a forgotten coach guides a team of losers to the big game, only after many hurdles of adversity? You may also ask: Is this woman just plain heartless? The answer is no, I am not heartless. In fact this is my opportunity stand up, shake the Hoosiers lovers by the shoulders and say “You have been duped into thinking that this film is magic!” Hoosiers is nothing more than your traditional cliche of an inspirational sports film. Is there really a huge difference between Hoosiers and Rudy, League of Their Own, Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall, and yes, even films as campy as Dodgeball and Waterboy?! The answer, my friends, is: NO.

And to top it all off, who is worse than the lead actor of Gene Hackman? I swear that man plays the same character in every film, and Hoosiers is no different.

So here it is. Sports fans, I await your attack.

Lady E: I have a few movies out there that I just really dislike but for some reason people feel like they are actually good movies…

Sleepless in Seattle is on the top of this list. I actually met a girl this weekend who hated it too, I was so excited, until she told me it was because Tom and Meg weren’t in a scene together until the last scene. Nope! Not it, the movie just sucks. The premise is lame! It has Rosie O’Donnell, a kid running away from home, and yet in the end, it all works out with a heart lit up on the Empire State Building… It is stupid and I hate it, and I hate that it is alwasy effing on Oxygen…

But on an unrelated note, I am watching an infomertical for the Omni Dual Saw, and I want it SO BAD! Did you know you could crack safes with these puppies?! Note to readers, for the Dagger Wedding, feel free to get us one of these for a present, as well as something off the registry

Next up is Tron, who is clearly holding something back about his hatred of a certain lovable Extra Terrestrial.

Tron: I’m going to have to say ET the Extra Terrestrial. Everyone seems to love this movie but I could never get into it. I think the main reason is that when I was a kid I couldn’t empathize with the broken family scenario. I grew up in a caring nuclear family, we lived in a small cabin and we got along very well. I didn’t understand how children could throw around terms like “Douche bag” and “Penis Breath” blatantly in front of an adult without any consequences. It just didn’t make sense to me at the time, and left a bad impression.

Also at the time I didn’t see how science fiction could affect the supernatural. In my mind, life and death were absolute, and the possibility of going from death to life was the subject of horror movies and could only be accomplished by dabbling with the occult. So at the end when ET died he should have never been able to come back. This part really gave me the creeps as a child.

There were some cool parts. I think I caused permanent damage to my Speak and Spell after trying to see if I could make a contraption to phone home. But all in all I think the movie was a disappointment.

Flickerbock and Deuce both weigh in with a their choices of movies that they just can’t get on board with.

Flickerbock: There are three movies that I can think of that somewhat fit this category.

Traffic - When I watched this movie, I had already seen Blow and loved it. Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz are phenomenal in that movie and the story just sucks you in. Since they came out close to the same time and had similar content, they obviously got compared in the media and among my friends. What I found upon watching Traffic was a slow, convoluted story that loosely tied a bunch of stories together. I continue to hear rave reviews about this movie, but I cannot force myself to watch it again. I am afraid I would just get pissed about wasting that time again.

Trainspotting - Again, this pictures came highly acclaimed. For some reason, I think I have seen it ranked in the top 25 of all movies on several national movie review websites. When I stumbled across it during one of my “Free Movie Channels” weekends with DirecTV, I was pumped. Finally I had an excuse to watch this instant classic. When I finally watched it several days later, I was angry when I finished. Thanks for showing me Scottish ‘Rent’ minus the songs. Again, I found the story to be uninteresting, the characters to be predictable, and the point was missing. Severely disappointed.

And finally, the movie that disappointed that will disappoint the masses:

Wall Street - Something about this movie did not sit right with me. Not really sure what or not really sure why. I just cannot place it on the pedestal that everyone else seems to place it on. I think the fact that I watched ‘Boiler Room’ before ever seeing ‘Wall Street’ factored into this opinion. Again, the comparison between the two is inevitable. I really can’t put my finger on exactly why this movie rubs me the wrong way, but something is off.

Deuce:  Everyone else loves it, but I find Fight Club to be unnecessarily gross and disappointing. As you watch it the first time, the story line is hard to believe, gross at times, that house they live in is disgusting and as much as many guys want to say that it would be cool to be in that kind of fight club, it would suck. You would be sore all the time and what honestly would you be getting out of the experience except a “feeling” of power and a self-applied stroking of your own ego because “you can be an aggressive male.” Congratulations. Then you come to the end of the movie and the “Oh my god” moment when you realize that there isn’t a really Tyler Durden at all, or maybe the other guy doesn’t exist (do we ever find out his name? or is it also Tyler Durden?) But what we do know is that the entire movie you just watched was just the over-blown story of the main character’s inability to realize until now that he is schizophrenic. Neat. So that whole movie was just him being crazy. Thanks, I feel like I need to go punch myself now, and luckily this movie taught me exactly how to do that.
He might as well have woken up at the end and realized it was a dream and Patrick Duffy can come out of the shower.

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So, there you have it, if you’re anything like me you’ve got a bone to pick with some of those responses, and might just have a little bit of a different perspective on a few of the movies out there you thought weren’t so bad. One thing is for sure, Dagger clearly has no idea what he’s talking about. Next week, we’ll be switching gears and tackling a conversation we’ve all thought about and discussed over a few well brewed pints at one point or another: If you could visit or live in any historical time period, what would it be? Would you sail with Leif Erickson to find out if he ever did make it to America before Columbus? Would you go back to meet Jesus, just to see if his powers were just a little over rated, or would you go back to visit the primordial ooze to witness the first spark of life on the planet? No matter what, when this things hits 88 Miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit!

Dagger, Hart and Limon