The Cru Jones Society is proud to present the first of our two winners of the 1st Annual Food, Sex or Cars? Thanksgiving Challenge. As promised, here’s R with his very own CJS style article. The opinions expressed herein solely belong to R and do not necessarily reflect those of the Cru Jones Society, its managers, operators, or parent company (Globex Worldwide Enterprises).

If you’ve ever been a part of, or simply found yourself in close proximity to, a testosterone-frenzied, drunken group of guys at a bar aggressively arguing about sports, you’ve no doubt overheard things like “Dude, blank is not a sport! There’s no contact in it!” or “You’re totally a douche if you think blank is a sport, asshole.” or the occasional “You’re mom plays blank!” I have been a part of way too many of these inane conversations, so I’m here to put an end to it, at least for some of the more heavily debated games.

The competitions listed below are played in professional leagues. Some are even played in the Olympics. However, based on what I think are fair criteria, I will nail down which of these professional games are those of sport or not. What are these criteria you ask? As I mentioned, I have overheard and even taken part in countless arguments over what qualifies a particular activity as a sport, and have taken mental notes on what I find are common themes.

Many will argue that qualities like endurance, accuracy, and strength are foundations of a sport. I contend that while those are important contributors in gaining proficiency in an activity, they do not necessarily make a game a sport. The top three common threads that I will consider for this exercise are as follows: sweating (as a direct result of the activity, not subjection to the elements), person-to-person contact (intentional, not incidental), and breathlessness as a result of the activity. To qualify as a sport, the game in question must meet 2 out of these 3 criteria.

Now, I expect that many will find that these three qualifications could be used to justify many activities as sports that are clearly not. For example, under these guidelines, sex indisputably qualifies as a sport. This may be true for some, but I will qualify the rules by saying that the activity in question must also be played in professional organizations with governing boards and defined rules. There are no rules in sex (besides “Not in my hair!”), thus it is disqualified from the discussion.

I have come up with a list of many of the most debated of these games. I’ve probably forgotten many, so please feel free to chime in with others. There will no doubt be vehement disagreement from the CJS community on my reasoning, but I say bring it on. After all, I won Food, Sex, or Cars, bitches! So let’s get on with it…

Pool/Billiards

OK, I’m starting with a simple one. The bottom line here is if you can get shitfaced drunk and smoke a pack of cigarettes during a game, you are participating in what is the definition of a leisure activity. “Highly proficient while nearly nodding out frequently during tournament matches” describes the best player I have ever met who happened to be a heroin addict I knew in Boulder while working at a pool hall. If you can be nearly comatose and chasing the dragon while still maintaining a high skill level you, sir, are not playing a sport.

Verdict: Not a Sport

Ping-Pong

Ah, one of my favorite games. Although I can hold my own on a table (I schooled EDagger a couple of times much to his chagrin), I have watched many a professional ping-pong match, and must say it is astonishing to witness the velocity and accuracy of each strike of the paddle, and the overall intensity and concentration that the professional players have to maintain in order to excel. I don’t even possess a fragment of that intensity in comparison, and still find myself drained after a game or two.

Except for the occasional long ball that seems to always find it’s way to the epicenter of my balls, landing with an audible thud, there is no physical contact in ping-pong. However, as anyone knows who has ever taken part in a backyard or backroom duel, prior to the table being converted to a Beirut table for the remainder of the evening, the game can get pretty enthralling, and typically draws a crowd at even the smallest of get-togethers. That type of pressure alone is enough to summon a sweat, not to mention the flailing, diving saves that even the most unskilled player will attempt. With a slam of the paddle in defeat or triumph, a player will undoubtedly walk away from the table with elevated pulse. This leaves me to draw only one conclusion…

Verdict: Sport

Croquet

Go straight to hell if you think this is a sport. This is a game, and a really boring and pretentious one at that. I actually have a good friend whose father is a professional croquet player and travels the country all year earning a supplemental income from it. He’s also a tool. Sorry Mr. G, you are lame, and so is the stupid game you play.

Verdict: Not a Sport

Golf

I have spent the majority of my life playing this game, one that I hold high praise for. I spent my entire high school career as captain of a team that made the Virginia State Invitational tournament my senior year, a year in which I was proudly undefeated. (I have since spiraled to a horrendous skill level due to years of inactivity) Golf is a game of intense concentration, skill, endurance, and one that has never, and will never be perfected by any one player. I have defended myself to those who mocked me for playing it since I was young as being not only a sport, but also one of the most difficult at which to excel.

I have taken a few days to ponder this one, as it is one of the most highly debated that I know of, and I want to be fair and unbiased. So here is my conclusion: According to my predefined criteria, sadly golf does not qualify as a sport. It pains me greatly to say this, but I guess I have to live with it. As far as sweating, the only chance of it comes from prolonged exposure to the sun and/or obesity. I suppose you could get winded if you fell in a water hazard and had to struggle to get back out, but that’s the only scenario I can think of for breathlessness. Finally, I can only imagine person-to-person contact happening if you land on top of someone as a result of a terrible cart rolling accident. (Sorry Kelley) Plus, most people make vacations out of it.

Verdict: Not a Sport

Badminton

I really don’t know how to answer this one. It looks so goddamn ridiculous, but the truth is I have never played, and never watched a match long enough to form a truly unbiased opinion. It looks like there’s enough running around that one could possibly break a sweat, or even run into someone else, and all that movement could easily cause the ol’ ticker to beat a little faster I guess. I’m just not sure about any of them. It’s also played with something called a shuttlecock. What the fuck is that? You can’t possibly be playing a sport if the name of a key piece of equipment has the word cock in it, can you?

Verdict: Undecided, but surprisingly leaning towards Sport?

Professional Eating

If anyone has ever had the unpleasant yet oddly gratifying experience of overindulging on a completely unnecessary amount of food, you know that a good solid brow of sweat comes along for the ride, and the aftermath can certainly leave you in a breathless daze. Hell, I sweat just thinking about eating a 20-ounce Porterhouse and a loaded baked potato. Mmm…steak. The guys who eat way more than that day-in and day-out for a living should be able to win gold medals on a world stage. Right now I think all they get is a few dollars, a bad case of erosive esophagitis, and a fatty liver. But does that make them any less of an athlete? No way.

Verdict: Absolutely a sport

Curling

This is an Olympic game I love to watch. I’m not sure what is so intriguing to me about it, though I think it might have something to do with the guys who skate alongside the stones, vigorously brushing the ice as they slide down the lane. It just looks like fun. Anyway, no contact, no panting or wheezing, and not even a remote chance of sweating…

Verdict: Not a Sport

Bowling

 

OK, so a lot of the professionals you see on TV are sweating profusely while they compete. Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just because the majority of these guys are overweight, out of shape, middle-aged assholes who get palpitations from just standing up. That doesn’t count. Also, if you get winded while bowling you need to see a cardiologist immediately. The only thing that appeals to me about bowling is that you can drink beers while you do it, but I usually find myself meandering to the room with all the video games and the pool table anyway, so why even bother going to the bowling alley to begin with? Plus if you’re fat-fingered like me it sucks even more when you leave with a swollen thumb. I hate this stupid game.

Verdict: Not a Sport

Car Racing

 

Seriously? This is probably the most often debated professional “sport” there is, ranking just above golf. However, the only prerequisite to competing is that you have to fit through a car window. To all of the competitors out there, it is quite simple: You’re driving in a circle. I drive every day. That does not make me an athlete. The proponents of the “Is a Sport” argument almost always have a deep southern drawl, no doubt slurred by the contents of copious cans of Miller High Life. Refuting them is absolutely a futile endeavor, so I will go no further, except to say that I am right, and they are wrong.

Verdict: Absolutely no way is this a sport

There you have it. Again, I’m sure there will be much debate from the CJS readers, so have at it. My only hope is that word will spread and these ridiculous arguments will someday cease from being part of the young male subculture. I know there are probably hundreds of games out there that would be perfect fodder for this type of debate, but alas, they are for another article. Perhaps next time? We’ll see after this year’s Food, Sex, or Cars competition. I don’t know how the rest of you feel about it, but I like my chances. See you next year.

R

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