“A Reflection on American Car Culture” by Keithage
The Cru Jones Society is proud to present the second of our two winners of the 1st Annual Food, Sex or Cars? Thanksgiving Challenge. As promised, here’s Keithage with his very own CJS style article. The opinions expressed herein solely belong to Keithage and do not necessarily reflect those of the Cru Jones Society, its managers, operators, or parent company (Globex Worldwide Enterprises).
Like everyone, I have my fair share of gripes about the world – politics, the bailout, or douchebags named “Todd, Tucker or Kyle” (Thank you, George Carlin) who think that a ponytail with a sportcoat is hip. I sometimes even have a strong desire to punch some people I’ve seen walking down the street just for looking at me funny. But my biggest problem, and the one I’m here to discuss today, is with people and their cars.
It’s a tired statement, and one I’m sure you’ve heard before, but America is a car culture. This is reflected when you see the drive-thru at the local Starbucks 6 cars deep while the store inside is empty. It’s even more obvious when you realize the two ways to get a snack when you’re hungry at 2 a.m. is either the drive-thru at Burger King (which will refuse you service if you’re on foot because in your infinite wisdom realize you are too drunk to drive) or, from a calzone delivery resturant. This demonstrates an obvious bias toward cars and punishes the hungry, carless denizens of late night junk food.
The main issues I see are the emergence of the “ricer” subculture, “briliant” societal solutions to save the envionment, and the government’s constant and needless meddling in our lives.
The Ricer Car Culture
Ricer Culture is generally defined as tricking out a P.O.S. compact car to reflect your (probably douchy) personality. It also applies to dorks who have seen The Fast and the Furious too much. I am in no way against all small cars. Many of them are pretty awesome. My issue is when people go over the top. What am I talking about?
Here’s a list:
*Coffee Can Muffler – An exhaust tip so big you have to cut the bumper out to make it fit. The goal is to make it sound louder. My roomate had a Mazda that had an exahust leak that anounced his presence 3 blocks away. Why not just poke a hole in the thing and save yourself a couple hundred bucks?
*Fins - I just watched a NASCAR race for the first time in about 4 years. This is apparently the 2nd season where the cars now have rear spoilers. For those of you who don’t know, a spoiler is used to create downforce on the car so a car can maintain traction at high speeds. Stock cars in NASCAR were designed for the past two decades to reach speeds approaching 200 miles per hour without the use of a spoiler. Why does the Honda at the stoplight that couldn’t reach 100 mph going downhill need one?
*Decals – My only explanation for this is they are much like Homer Simpson patented speed holes, they make the car go faster. What other explanation is there for putting 5th grade level Trapper Keeper art all over your ride?
*Lights under the car – You could presume that the person driving the tricked out ricer is in no way similar to Lee S. Hart’s grandma. Your sterotypical ricer driver is an adolescent who enjoys cars and typically would like to drive them in an illegal fashion. If this is the case, wouldn’t you want to have maybe fewer lights and perhaps not so many identifying features if you did happen to have a run in with John Q. Law? Congrats on putting your illegal car in the vehicular equivalent of a big red clown suit.
The Hybrid Car
Hybrid cars seem to be all the rage these days because they are the best for the environment, right? Wrong. The major issue with hybrids is they use large battery packs to store the electicity they run on. What happens to these batteries when the car is no longer in use? Do they just up and vanish like a fart in the wind as Warden Norton thought Andy Dufresne did? Is disposing of the batteries environmentaly safe? It’s like the square root of a million. Nobody knows.
Another reason cited in buying a hybrid is saving money. Your typical hybrid costs about $3,000 more than a gasoline equivilent. It can take up to eight years of driving to overcome the cost of the purchase and hybrid batteries typically crap the bed in about six. Your better bet to save the environment would be a Volkwagen Jetta TDI. The TDI costs about $1,200 more than the regular Jetta and there is a tax rebate that covers the extra cost. Now some people will tell you that a Jetta is a girl’s car. Those people are right, but those women driving them are getting 45 mpg. Hell, ask E Dagger, his girly ass had one.
Based on this logic, the only reason I see to buy a hybrid is to show it off. That’s probably why hybrids that look like a hybrid (the Prius) out-sell ones that don’t (the Camry hybrid) by such a large margin. If you are truly environmentally-conscious you would do best to buy Ed Begley Jr.’s car that runs on his own sense of self-satisfaction. Of course, if you’re buying a hybrid just to show it off, my advice is to go fist yourself and stop filling the world with so much smug. It’s suffocating.
Government Intervention
I’m not a huge fan of government to begin with, but one thing that really grinds my gears is the way they continue to fuck up rules governing transportation. The biggest screw up is CAFÉ standards or the “Corporate Average Fuel Economy.” For those of you that don’t know, this is what governs fuel economy in cars. The current standards are 27 MPG for cars and 23 MPG for trucks which will soon become 35 MPG for all vehicles by 2015. This law is the root cause of the growth in popularity of SUVs.
When the law was enacted in 1975, station wagons and muscle cars ruled the road. After the gas shortage of the 70s, when fuel prices came back to earth, those who needed to move a lot of stuff (as well as those who needed to compensate for a lacking in another department) needed big cars. This gap was filled by the SUV which is classified as a truck and therefore can suck gas like a hooker sucking a golfball through a hose. Once gas prices went up again, “crossovers” which look strikingly like station wagons that weigh less and thus, use less gas, became the new thing. Hmmmm, could it be that market forces have more to do with buying habits and conservation than misguided government policy? I’ll leave that up to you.
Delving into this a bit further, let’s discuss mass transit. First off, a lightrail is not light. At close to 100,000 lbs they weigh 40 times that of a bus and carry only about 5 times as many people. Second, federal subisdies tend to fund only constuction and expansion of light rail lines, not maintenance and operations. Building the infastructure for a light rail costs a lot more than building a bus, since buses run on roads that already exist. Since most public tranist is funded by the taxes motorists pay when they purchase gasoline, the car driver is the one who funds this waste of money. I would venture to say that a bus system is not only better for the environment based on less required materials for construction, but also cheaper for the drivers. Hey, thanks guys! We get an inefficient and bloated project we don’t need! Sweet. This is like going to a restaurant and ordering a cup of coffee, but being forced to eat an entire meatloaf. Thanks but no thanks.
I don’t claim to be the smartest person in the world, but I do know a few things – many of them about cars. I’d love to discuss this further, so feel free to find me in the comments section. As for right now, I’m off to drive my pickup to the lightrail station.
Good motoring.
Send feedback to Keithage through us at staff@crujonessociety.com
26 Feb 2009 CJS Staff