Cru Jones Society

 

We didn’t receive too many responses to this week’s question of which historical time period you’d like to live in or visit and why? We get the impression that people are a little hesitant in case they ended up with the young version of their parent falling in love with them, or the responsibility of trying to set traps in order to beat Primus in a battle of the bands, or something catastrophic that happens in H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine, with which we are not familiar enough to reference in more detail. As usual the CJS staff responses are first followed by the few other responses we did receive.

E Dagger: The cynical part of me wants to go back 60 years and be born as a Baby Boomer. I’d love to grow up during one of the greatest periods of expansion and wealth creation in U.S. history, claim to be the first generation to be a “teenager,” go to college largely for free, advocate for free love and the end of war, then spend my adult years rolling back all the social programs for future generations that helped my prosperity, legislating morality, destroying the environment and the financial sector, and racking up unprecedented debt without giving half a shit who has to pay it because I’ll be dead by the time the check is due anyway. That sounds unbelievably narcissistic and self-serving, a.k.a. like a hell of a ride! I’m just bitter I’m in one of the generations that has to pay for the self-indulgence.

As far as paying history a visit, it’s my personal view that there is no more important invention in the history of the world in terms of advancing knowledge than the printing press. I’d want to be there with Gutenberg while he’s explaining what his new-fangled invention does to the monks who used to have to copy the Bible by hand. “No, you’re not getting this. You just put the pages in here like this and they get copied. You can copy the whole Bible now in a matter of days, and possibly hours, instead of taking years to do it like you guys do… How am I supposed to know how you should spend your days now? That ain’t my job, I’m in the Bible-copying business now… I don’t care, make some more brandy. Work on your chanting.  Teach people to read because in a few years we’ll all have our own Bibles! And someday, I’ll realize my dream of printing pictures of naked ladies and selling them as a book too! You’ll see! You’ll all see!”

I’ll bet it went just like that. In case I’m wrong though, I’d love to go back and find out for sure.

Lee S. Hart: I struggled with this question, maybe because I was over analyzed it. I kept thinking about having to live through what comes after the event. For instance, it would be awesome to watch Moses drop a fuck ton of water on the Egyptians, but then I’d be stuck wandering the desert for 40 years. Fuck that noise. Or walking on the moon with Neil and Buzz would be an experience like no other which means everything else in life would fall short of being excellent, with the exception of maybe seeing my child born, I guess, from what I’ve heard. Also there is the possibility that Buzz will punch me in the face.

So with that all in mind I kept thinking and thinking of where and when I would go. The answer that kept coming back to me was Lake Placid on February 22, 1980. I would use my time traveling abilities to watch the U.S. hockey team defeat the Russian hockey team in the Olympics. Seeing the replays, and the movie Miracle, I still get a little teary eyed. So, I think to experience that, to see the game in real life would be absolutely incredible.

The down side would be that there may not be a sporting event that will ever match up to it, so there’s the idea of why go to a game, it’s not going to 1980’s U.S. Olympic hockey? But there is still the off chance that the next game I go to could be the next amazing game.

As far as living after the game, it happened 3 years before I was born, so I essentially have lived through all that came after. Granted I would be older and would be more aware of the political scene in the 80’s, but I feel I could use my knowledge of the future to help, maybe even prevent tragedies from happening. This is the part where Doc Brown tells me not to fuck around in the past and upset the space time continuum.

Whatever, 1980’s Olympic hockey gold, here I come.

Senor Limon: A big part of me wants simply to say that I’d go back a few decades and use my knowledge of future events to play the stock market and make money gambling on well known sporting events. It certainly would be nice to get in on the ground floor of Microsoft and Google, and bet some serious cash on a few long shots out on the horse track, after that I could live the high life while being sure to be far away from wherever the next natural disaster is about to strike. but I suppose I should go with an answer I didn’t steal principally from Back to the Future.

Like Hart I would enjoy witnessing the first Moon landing since I’m such a big fan of the achievement, but when it comes down to it I’d just be watching it on TV like everyone else, and I’ve seen that clip probably thousands of times already.  My first choice would be to go back all the way to the height of the Roman Empire. I’d get to see some sweet Gladiator matches, and enjoy watching as the Christians are thrown to the lions. I’d also be sure to use my superior 21^st century knowledge to con the masses and the Roman rulers alike as some kind of divine oracle, so I could live the life of luxury without all the responsibility or constant threat of assassination that a Caesar would have.  The Romans also seemed to be less disease stricken, less filthy, and less likely to strap me down and drop a large wooden wheel on my appendages for claiming to have magic powers than, say people in the middle ages, and after the Renaissance, people seem less likely to be duped by that kind of simple trickery.

Limon is not the only one looking to use time travel in order get wealthy, or visit old tymey battle scenes.

Flickerbock: Never one to mince words, I have a few options. . . I would definitely go to the time of the American Revolution. For some reason, this point of history has always intrigued me.  I think it would be awesome to see the background on how this country was founded, the steps required to accomplish such a massive and ballsy separation from the British, and some of my favorite historical figures. I can’t imagine how fun it would be to get drunk as shit and dump tea into the Boston Harbor with Sam Adams. And I would love to just spend a day following and talking to Ben Franklin. The guy was a smart, smart dude. And most importantly, I would love to sit with Thomas Jefferson (or as I call him, TJ). Of all the presidents, I think his philosophies on government’s role in our lives make the most sense and are the most inspiring. To be able to get a chance to talk to some of those people would be awesome.

Next option, late 1970’s Washington state. The only caveat – I must be able to take some funds with me. Then I would help Bill Gates (financially) get his fancy little computer company off the ground.

Last, the French Revolution. Because I really like cake.

 

Let’s just hope Flickerbock’s experience with Franklin ends up better than Eric Stirberger’s dinner with Franklin. Even with so many world altering events that have happened of the course of history, Gutter, like Hart, would use time travel to watch a sporting event.

Gutter: I would have to go with October 1908. The reason behind that is so I could actually see the Cubs win a World Series in my lifetime. I realize I am only 25, but have accepted the fact that the Cubs will never again win a World Series. I would celebrate like crazy and everyone would look at me and say “Why is he making such a big deal out of this, they won it last year, they will probably win it again 10 more times before the end of the century.” An added bonus would be that I could then go to Washington D.C. and hang out with Teddy Roosevelt and go hunting with him or something.

What are the chances that Gutter’s hunting trips with President Roosevelt would lead us to change what we call plush bears to Gutter Bears? Somehow we think their popularity would decline. Nothing against Gutter, but that is not the most appealing name for a stuffed animal.

Well since nobody said they would travel back and stop certain songs from being written, recorded, and played we want to know what one song do you hate more than any other song and why? What song could come on the radio, and barring the ability to change the station, would cause you to drift into oncoming traffic just so you wouldn’t have to hear it again? Send your answers to staff@crujonessociety.com and we will publish them here next week – even if your choice gets stuck in our head and we end up despising you because of it.

Limon, Dagger and Hart.