Cru Jones Society

 

Recently I’ve been watching reruns of That 70′s Show on the cable network The N, which is billed as “TV. for teens.” Really nothing like watching a station whose main demographic is 10 to 14 years younger than me, and thus every commercial break I am inundated with more ads for acne treatment than Nirvana has songs about heroin. But that’s beside the point here. There are also ads for That 70′s Show where the narrator informs us that the characters are, “like my friends, only funnier.” I call shenanigans on that as those Wisconsin dope heads are not as funny as my friend who busted his head open on the ceiling while jumping down the stairs, or my other friend who inquired about anal beads from the Las Vegas convenient store clerk, or even the kid who referred to a proctologist as an “assamatronamist.” But I did start to imagine what it would be like to be friends with those kids. Then I thought about what it would be like to hang out with other sitcom characters. The results after these messages, er, after the jump.

Show: That 70′s Show

Why It Would Be Cool:

I’d living in a decade that VH1 has painted as the best decade ever. I would be back in the care-free days of high school, where my main problems would be how to score booze, and girls. I would spend most of my free time hanging out in my friend’s basement with what appears to be an endless supply of popsicles.

Why It Would Suck:

I’d be living in a decade that VH1, let me repeat that, VH1 can not stop talking about. I’d be in high school again. High school was stupid. Anyone who says other wise has a sad life. Booze wouldn’t be as readily available to me as it currently is. I would be under constant threat of getting Red’s boot in my ass.

Survey Says:

While spending most of my formidable years hanging out in my buddy’s basement may seem like a good, I think overall I wouldn’t want to travel back in time and hang out in Point Place, WI with these slacker ass slackers. I’m not really into pot and that’s what these guys seem to spend most of their time doing. Though the desire to have cares of a less important nature is a huge draw, and the bottomless popsicle freezer is a bonus. The largest turn off is the idea that just about every girl in this Podunk, cheese loving, Packers cheering town has been defiled by Michael Kelso, a man most likely responsible for several STDs that the government did become aware of until the 80′s.

Show: The Big Bang Theory

 

Why It Would Be Cool:

I would be the cool one of the group. I am under the impression they would have a lot of video games. I would look tan and healthy. They wouldn’t get as annoyed when I tried to talk comics. Hot neighbor girl is always hanging around.

Why It Would Suck:

These guys are way nerdier than the people I hang out with already. I fear there would be a lot of physics talk that would just fly over my head and they wouldn’t be as helpful in explaining it to me as they are to Penny. I get the impression Koothrappali reeks of curry.

Survey Says:

While the comic book thing would be swell, I think they read mainly DC comics and I am more of a Marvel guy. And a girl whose only friends appear to be socially awkward nerds might not be the girl I would want to date. Oh who am I kidding, of course I would. But Sheldon’s, um, preferences would be way too much to handle in real life. That would be enough for me to pass on this group.

Show: Friends

Why It Would Be Cool:

Rachel is pretty hot, so it would be awesome to be around her so much. Having a gourmet chef around would be pretty sweet. Having friends living across the hall from each other would be super convenient.

Why It Would Suck:

The whole Rachel/Ross will they, won’t they shit would be so annoying to be around. Monica’s clean freak neurotics would be even worse. Watching Ross’s boring ass score hot chicks would drive me nuts.

Survey Says:

Hanging out in a coffee shop so much is stupid and again the whole Ross and Rachel thing. There are also a lot of secrets being kept from each other. Overall though it seems like a lot of fun, Joey’s sisters are hot, and Rachel’s sisters are hot. If we get to play Bamboozled on a regular basis then I am would definitely hang out with Friends. Even if we couldn’t I probably still would.

Show: How I Met Your Mother

Why It Would Be Cool:

A lot of free time is spent in a bar. Barney is the ideal wingman and with his help I would probably have the sex a lot. Barney loves him some suits, so I wouldn’t have to worry about him dressing like a total slap dick. Alyson Hannigan and a hot Canadian broad. Apparently my criterion for stuff to be cool generally involves the appearance of hot women.

Why It Would Suck:

Ted is so very whiney. I could never compete with Barney for a dame. Being on the receiving end on Slapsgiving. Also, Alyson Hannigan is married.

Survey Says:

Major involvement in such a tight knit group is the kind of camaraderie I’m all about. And I’m all about spending a lot of time bar. While I would be tough to remember all the codes in the Bro-Code I think overall kicking it with this group would be legen…wait for it…dary.

Show: My Name is Earl

Why It Would Be Cool:

Crab-Man seems like a cool guy. Never hurts to hang out with a stripper on a regular basis, unless it’s a B squad stripper, in this case it’s not. Helping someone do good deeds probably has some kind of positive effect on my well being and/or soul. Being around Randy would make me the smart one for once.

Why It Would Suck:

Earl probably done me wrong in the past. I would be surrounded by townies. Joy is a bitch. I would probably run into that “Son of the Beach” guy more often than anyone should. Those circus freaks freak me out and they would be around more than I think I could handle and still be polite.

Survey Says:

Balancing my Karma may be something I should do, but there has to be a better way and place to do that than in white trash Camden County with all it’s I’ve never been further than 10 miles away from Camden residence. I’ll have to pass on these folks, moustache, El Camino and all.

Show: 30 Rock

Why It Would Be Cool:

I’d be working for multi-million dollar company NBC, that’s got to have some awesome perks. The hot girl factor comes in the form of Liz Lemon and that chick that’s always in the writer’s room, I think she’s some sort of receptionist, I’m not really sure, also Jenna is not too shabby, and if she’ll sleep with the guy who wears the ironic trucker hats I think I may have a chance. Also it couldn’t hurt to have people like Tracy Jordan and Jack Donaghy in my life.

Why It Would Suck:

It could hurt to have people like Tracy Jordan and Jack Donaghy in my life. It seems hectic to be part of a live weekly television show. The group of writers is dicks, and I’m sure I would get annoyed at seeing a God damned trucker hat everyday like it was 5 years ago.

Survey Says:

Working in television seems like it would be a good gig, if you’re not too high on the totem pole and don’t have too much responsibility. But Liz Lemon is one crazy ass biatch and I don’t think I could deal with such a wacko on a daily basis. If I could avoid her, I’d probably have to deal with the ridiculousness that is Tracy Jordan, or put up with the back woodsiness of Kenneth. That whole scene would turn into a daily FML. So no thank you.

Show: The Office

Why It Would Be Cool:

To hang out with Jim and Pam while they pick on Dwight would make work a place I would want to go. Just seeing what the hell Dwight would do next would be worth the price of admission. Two words: Michael Scott.

Why It Would Suck:

It is work all the time, work at a paper company. It doesn’t seem like Michael would make that work easy at all. Also I would have to work with Angela and Kelly. I would have to live with the knowledge that Dwight is better at the job than I am.

Survey Say:

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. When I see more excitement during work at a paper company than in my free time that’s when I know things are fucked. I will pass on hanging out at Dunder Mifflin.

Show: Perfect Strangers

Why It Would Be Cool:

For just two people, Larry and Balki get into a lot of mischief, and it all looks fun. Stories of Mypos would be fun to hear, and probably make me appreciate America more. If these two dorks can score a couple of fine ladies (angular faces aside) I shouldn’t have a problem within their social circle.

Why It Would Suck:

Balki’s foreign charm would wear thin as I had to help assimilate him to American culture. Larry seems a little more strung out than I like my friends to be. Balki’s big goofy smile is big and goofy and around a little too much.

Survey Says:

Hell to the yeah I would hang out with Balki and Cousin Larry. Overall they seem like a couple of wild and crazy guys and I don’t think the fun would ever stop. I would be so happy I would do the dance of joy.

See ya in America or Burst…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com