Cru Jones Society

 

Welcome back to the Monday Confessional, sinners and saints. This week’s topic was music, and we received several interesting responses. Our question: “What song sends you into a blind rage more than any other and might cause you to drift into oncoming traffic if you were unable to change your radio station?” generated some of the funniest emails to date. We’re going to break form temporarily to let one of our readers take the top spot, but only because it ties into one of the staff responses. So come on in, and let’s hope none of these shitty songs implant themselves in your brain for the rest of the day.

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Gutter: The song that pisses me off to no end is “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock (at least I think that is the name of that retarded song). You would think that I would be used to “artists” that can’t think up their own music, just look at P Diddy/Puff Daddy/whatever the hell he is going by these days or any rapper for that matter. But the thing that pisses me off the most about the song isn’t the fact that he is so unoriginal he can’t think of his own beats. It is the particular song that he stole that makes me so mad. “Sweet Home Alabama” was one of my favorite songs, it was a song that whenever I heard it would take me back to playing baseball and hanging out with friends in High School. Now whenever I hear “All Summer Long” instead of seeing a green field and smelling grass, dirt and leather, I see a greasy no talent ass clown with pubic hair on his face.  Ronnie Van Zant is already dead, Kid Rock, no reason to piss all over his grave.

E Dagger: I have to agree with Gutter that Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long” is likely one of the five most reprehensible songs ever conceived, right up there with Lenny Kravitz’s version of “American Woman,”  Jimmy Buffett’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise,”  the Subway “$5 Footlong” song that won’t go away, and the worst of all, P. Diddy’s utterly appalling sample of Sting’s “Every Breath You Take” that he sang for Biggie. That Kentucky-fried idiot Kid Rock spreading his hepatitis all over the lake in this moronic ode to all things white trash gets my blood boiling every time. This song is low culture garbage elevated to its highest form (if that even makes sense). By the way, in the chorus when you rhyme “things” with “things” – brilliant. You assface.

Where I disagree with Gutter is in liking “Sweet Home Alabama .” I fucking hate this song. Not only is it a loving tribute to what is unquestionably one of three worst states in the union, you can’t go fucking anywhere without hearing it. Hockey games, outdoor festivals, damn near every movie on TBS on a given weekend, classic rock radio, and every shitty bar that has TouchTunes invariably will feature this song at least two times a night. What really kills me is when some idiot actually puts his money in the jukebox to hear it – like he’s not going to hear it enough over the course of any given evening, he actually has to ensure that it comes on so he can definitely hear it for the 756th time this month.

I’ve never been to Alabama , I have no plans to ever visit Alabama, and I never want to visit Alabama, what the fuck do I care about its blue skies or how its people feel about its governor? Southern rock is fine and sort of fun – I enjoy cranking some ZZ Top as much as anyone – but people have elevated this fucking song to ridiculous levels of deified reverence. I feel about this song the way Adam Carolla feels about “Hotel California” by the Eagles: If I never hear this song again in my life, it’ll be too soon. Please. Enough is enough.

Lee S. Hart: The only time in my life I feel envy towards the deaf is when “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden is within earshot of my all too well functioning ears. Knowing there are people who have spent their entire life having never heard Chris Cornell spew those insufferable lyrics over the most boring music ever to be considered rock is something that sets my dials to jealous.

I often forget there are actual verses to this song. All I can ever remember is the last few minutes of the song, which feels like an eternity because there is nothing new in this time. The same boring notes played while Cornell recites the lines black hole sun/won’t you come/won’t you come/ and wash away the rain. I’m not even sure what that means. So I looked it up on Wikipedia, which I think we decided last week was the most reliable place for information (citation needed), and not only did I find that the song doesn’t mean anything at all, but I also became even more enraged at this song, and hope that Chris Cornell is the next musician we “tragically lose.”

I wish a black hole sun would come and wash this song off my radio.

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Lady E surprised E Dagger this week by failing to choose “I Will Buy You a New Life” by Everclear because when they were in Vegas together, she saw Everclear on the marquee and said, “God I hate Everclear. I will buy you a new life… fuck you.” Which is why we were even more surprised to find a similar response coming from Keithage. Maybe them two should get married – or at least share a beer over how much each hates this song. Yeah, probably the second one…

Keithage: Everclear – “I Will Buy You a New Life.”  I saw this jagoff when he came to town with The Bloodhound Gang.  This a-hole is so pretentious you could smell it when you walked in the door.  The whole song is about what he would do for what I presume is some woman, but my impression of him was he would rather take a dump in your hat then give you the time of day.  Go F yourself Art.

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We also know that one of the reasons R landed his beautiful and talented girlfriend is because of his hatred of legendary rock band The Eagles, which is undoubtedly one of the coolest ways of landing a chick we’ve ever encountered. So it should be no surprise what his least favorite song is.

R: Those who know me fairly well know that I have one band in particular whose music makes me want to gouge at my ears with a ball-point pen in a repetitive stabbing motion. That band is The Eagles. Basically any song by those fucks could make this list. Thank God they made 10,000 of them, right! So I can be forced to hear at least 3 a day, more if I’m at any bar on Earth for any length of time! One in particular that really sets me off is “New Kid in Town.” I fucking hate that song. I want to maliciously wound the new kid in town. That’ll give that cockbag Don Henley something to cry and harmonize repetitively about, or whichever one of those assholes is singing on this one. Jesus, I hate that song.

On another note, I have to mention a runner up (Aside from the 10,000 other lame-ass Eagles songs). “What I Am” by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians is a song that song drives me up a wall. I want to steer my car off the road when it pops up on the radio at least once a day. It seems every radio station on earth finds room for that piece of trash in their lineup.

I could go on for days on this one…

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And now for the rest of the responses…

Kristatothemax: Guys, I really tried to narrow this down to one but, alas, cannot.  It’s a tie between ‘Higher ’ and ‘Arms Wide Open‘ by Creed. I can’t exactly put my finger on why.  Maybe it has something to do with the lead singer’s voice sounding like a bad impression of Eddie Vedder.  Or his toolish leather pants and stupid wife-beater combo in that one music video.  This particular outfit makes me SO annoyed, even to the point of anger each time I hear their songs.  ARGH!!

I can’t talk about this anymore.  My heart rate is going up just thinking about it.

Lady E: As for music, there is a lot that I don’t really like, but can tolerate if the person driving seems to like it, but thankfully my friends have better taste than to listen to shit like Big and Rich and their amazing song, “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”

That and what Ice T or Ice Cube ( I cannot remember which, it may even be Dre) refers to as ringtone rap, anything like Soldier Boy, or songs with titles that include Ayre, instead of AIR. Spell it right and learn your spelling and grammar, you thug-posing idiots.

Flickerbock: Fellow CJS member Deuce and I used to frequent a little country watering hole in college. There, we did some line dancing, did some two-stepping, danced with some pretty ladies. It just so happened that any time Garth Brooks’ song ‘The Dance’ came on, I would get cornered by an ugly/fat/annoying/some-combination-of-three girl. Since college, I have hated that song. It brings back some really bad memories. “Things that make you go. . . ugh.”

And probably like everyone else on this website, I hate Belinda Carlisle’s ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’. I discovered this hatred as my wife played it over and over and over in the car one day. I think I would prefer to punch myself in the junk than listen to that crappiece.

Chris S: 98% of what people call “hip-hop” these days.

Augie.Maestas: My least favorite song is “Rhinestone Cowboy” by Glen Campbell. Who ever thought this was a good song? Seriously? And people wanted to travel back in time to the 70′s? Worst era ever because of this song. I mean, there were other things going on that were pretty bad too but this song made it worse. Better yet, this song was so bad, the person who made a cover of it was none other than Neil Diamond. Also, it is one of those songs that you are not sure if it sucks as a pop song or a country song. It was so bad, neither pop nor country wanted to claim it theirs. And if you really want to know how bad this song sucks – David “mother effin” Hasselhoff did a cover of this song. Play this song and I will punch your baby.

CassieB: “I’ll be there for you” (aka “Friends” theme song) by the Rembrandts. Shoot me now.

Maristredfox: I might be bending the rules a bit here, but my most hated song is anything by Van Halen. The screeching guitars, sophomoric lyrics and awful vocals just make me want to cut my ears off.  I don’t understand the love for VH; to me, they sound like a retarded glam-rock act that should’ve gone the way of Ratt, Stryper and Nitro.  You might as well jump…off a fucking cliff.

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We’re willing to bet some of these choices might engender some dissension in the ranks and spark some dialogue in the comments, so have at it.

Special scheduled announcement in CJS business: Later this week, CJS takes its annual rendezvous in Tucson for our extremely important annual meeting/spring training watching/drunkenly dancing to Biz Markie road trip. Therefore, the Monday Confessional is delayed for a week, so you have two weeks to answer this week’s question. No Confessional next week, and no Happy Friday, but we’ve got a feature we’re unveiling called “How It Feels” that’ll run Tuesday – Thursday next week. So look forward to that and spend the next two weeks considering the following Confessional topic.

We’re hoping for a minimum of travel hassles, but that can’t always be avoided. I know one CJS reader who threw up in the airport bathroom on the way to Vegas where in the stall next to him a guy taking a slop was talking on his cell phone in a language other than English. That’s not really a travel nightmare, but any excuse to tell that story. What is your worst travel experience? Been stuck in an airport for three days? Luggage sent to Nepal while you went to Brazil? Did you end up in some Mexican jail tearfully trying to explain why you were wearing a dress and why that’s not a crime in the United States? Tell us about it. Send your responses to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll publish them in two weeks.

Limon, Hart & Dagger