Like a beacon in the night.

We here at CJS are fans of many things, Movies, music, Cartoons and breakfast cereal all among them, today I’ll be exploring one of everyone’s favorite mainstay items of American life.  The simple, the flagrantly unhealthy, and the delicious fast food hamburger, lets have a look at a few of my favorites, and why I like them.

Double Western Burger: Carl’s Jr.

1000 Calories of pure delicious

 

What’s Inside: Two beef patties, Bacon, Onion Rings, Cheese, and BBQ sauce

Why It’s Awesome: There are two essential qualities of the Double Western Cheeseburger that make it one of my favorites. First, it is huge, and second, it is completely devoid of any nutritional value. Refreshingly absent from the Double Western, are vegetables and fruits save for onions, which are inside the onion rings. So, they get a pass because they’re wrapped in a cocoon of delicious deep fat friedness. Also inside are several strips of bacon, and in a stroke of pure genius, the traditional ketchup has been replaced by a generous portion of BBQ sauce.

When I’m in the mood to completely gorge myself on a beautifully juicy 920 Calorie abomination that contains ¾ of an entire daily allotment of sodium, and 105% of my recommended intake of fat in the burger alone, I accept no substitutions for the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger, Large Fries and a Dr. Pepper so large it could only be sold in America. The Double Western is best enjoyed in the confines of my home, where I can sprawl out on my bed after stuffing my gullet to the maximum and enjoy myself as my body valiantly attempts to avoid sudden instant congestive heart failure.

It’s also worth noting that today for the first time I tried Carl’s Jr’s new Green Burrito Crisp Burritos which were woefully disappointing. Complete with a worthless dolip of guacamole that cost $.50 extra that lasted about one and a half burritos (in an order of three) when applied conservatively, the Burritos are approximately 2.5 Inches of ground beef and cheese wrapped up and deep fried. There isn’t enough cheese inside, and an otherwise appealing crispy outer crust is a molten volcano ground beef disaster waiting to happen as you attempt to bite into it.  Anyway, on with the burgers.

 

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger: Wendy’s

I’ve never seen one that looked quite like this, but whatever.

 

What’s Inside: Beef patty, Lettuce, Mayonnaise, Cheese and a Tomato which is best thrown away. Don’t bother ordering it without tomatoes, they won’t remember anyway.

Why It’s Awesome: The Jr Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s has been my fast foot standby since High school when lunch trips to Wendy’s were an occasion to be enjoyed multiple times every week. A decade later, nothing has changed about the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, including the price. The Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is still the best thing available for less than a Dollar, that is, as long as the meth-head behind the counter doesn’t go overboard with whatever gigantic appliance they use to slather on that mayonnaise, and avoids putting an entire head of lettuce on the Cheeseburger.

 

Roast Beef Sandwich: Arby’s

 

The beef and cheddar is good too, but order it on a regular bun instead of that onion nonsense.

What’s Inside: Roast Beef

Why It’s Awesome: What could possibly be better than beef, piled high, and slathered with Arby’s sauce, a concoction so secretive and delicious I’ve never tasted its equal. My only educated guess is that Arby’s sauce is cut in the back rooms of Arby’s restaurants with some kind of exotic Columbian form of Crack-Cocaine. My only real regret is that the legendary 5 for $5 appears to have gone the way of the 59/69/79 Menu at Taco Bell, and isn’t fated ever to return. Meaning that I’ve got to pay regular price every time I’ve got a craving for roast beef, curly fries, and as much Arby’s sauce as I can possibly convince the person at the Drive Thru to stuff into the bag.

 

Whopper: Burger King

 

Whopper, pretty much everything in the Big Mac except for the special sauce.

 

What’s Inside: Quarter pound Beef Patty, mayonnaise, onion, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and ketchup all on a sesame seed bun. Cheese costs extra, which has always chapped my ass a little.

Why It’s Awesome: They say that you’re either a fan of the Whopper, or a fan of the Big Mac. Seeing as how I revile pretty much everything at McDonald’s, I suppose I should choose the Whopper. The only reason Burger King even makes the list is because their Turbo Coffee is excellent, and comes with the most high-tech lid I’ve ever seen, and the French Fries at Burger King are quite simply second to none. I’m more than happy to sit through a mediocre whopper if it means I get to enjoy a box of those french fries.

 

Chicken Sandwich: Chick Fil-A

 

Poetic in its simplicity

 

What’s Inside: Chicken and Pickles

Why It’s Awesome: For some reason probably only known to Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster, Chick Fil-A never really branched out beyond the confines of the Food Court at your local mall. Even more confounding, the only two free standing Chick Fil-A restaurants I have ever seen were actually in Mall Parking lots, and one of them was outside of a mall that had a Chick Fil-A in the food court.

Location based mysteries aside, when I’m shopping at a mall with a Chick Fil-A near lunch time, my lunch plans are essentially set. The Chicken Sandwich is poetic in its simplisity, lightly breaded chicken breast sandwiched between two pieces of a bun. The real stroke of brilliance is the pickles, a simple addition that really makes the sandwich. Couple the pickles with a quality of chicken breast that is nearly always absent the weird vein type things and suspicious fat deposits that make Chicken Sandwiches off limits on the menu for me at most other fast food joints makes the Chicken Sandwich at Chick Fil-A one of the best out there. My only complaint is that the sandwich, and small order of cross cut fries that comes with it are a bit on the small side when it comes to portions. However, this is a problem solved easily enough by a small order of Chicken Nuggets, which are also delicious, and also happen to be just about the only chicken nuggets I’m willing to eat from a fast food establishment.

 

The Double Double: In ‘n Out

 

The best burger ever created

What’s Inside: Two beef patties, Tomato (feel free to order without tomato at In ‘N Out, they may actually get it right), lettuce, and special sauce which is pretty similar to Thousand Island Dressing, nestled beautifully between slices of a deliciously toasted bun.

Why it’s Awesome: In ‘n Out stands alone when it comes to fast food. The service is universally excellent, the restaurants clean, and the spartan menu is bar none the best quality in the fast food business. The food at In ‘n Out is complete with all natural ingredients that qualify the things that are going into my fast food burger as actual food, all at a reasonable price, served by people who are both non-meth addicts, and capable of forming an entire sentence in the English Language. I’ll put it in simple terms and just say that on more than one occasion I’ve taken pictures of my hamburger and sent it out to my friends who aren’t fortunate enough to live within 60 minute driving distance of In ‘n Out simply to make them jealous.

 

 

 Senor.Limon@crujonessociety.com