The Flabongo! 

Since the CJS Crew doesn’t get together all that often (living in two different states will sadly cause that), we thought we’d take our opportunity to summon our collective goodwill and provide our readers with an important community service. Namely, we used our time together to try out products we know are important to our readership.

Today, and in the two days to follow, we’re providing you with vital product reviews of the novelty drinking goods you can utilize during your next tailgate, pool party, or boring Sunday afternoon. The timing is perfect considering next week’s Confessional covers alcohol too! We tested these products extensively and are here to give you the insight you crave. Look for Lee S. Hart tomorrow and Senor Limon on Thursday with reviews of the products they purchased. Today, we’ll start with a product that made its first appearance on the Cru Jones Society in Happy Friday #6. I’m talking of course about the incomparable Flabongo.

We first became aware of the Flabongo thanks to CJS Regular CassieB, who never ceases to send us cool shit. After we featured it in Happy Friday that week, we got a very nice note from the proprietor of the Flabongo, Nick, thanking us for the plug and offer a few kind words about the site. Well Nick, we’re here to tell you that your product is fucking great!

In a nutshell, the Flabongo is nothing more than one of those tacky yard flamingos you always see in old people’s front lawns turned into a beer bong. The beak is sheared off and serves as your spout. There’s then a hole cut out of the flamingo’s belly which stands in place of the beer bong’s traditional funnel. You pour beer into the hollowed out flamingo’s belly which serves as beer storage taking the place of the cumbersome and often foam-creating hose.

The Flabongo is deceptively small, holding (we’d guess) up to about three beers in a relatively compact space. Since we’re no longer in college, we only filled it with one and quickly realized our drinking prowess is not what it once was. The Flabongo’s curves provide ample nooks and crannies for the beer to permeate to, and since it’s not in a restrictive hose, foam is much more effectively dealt with. Even better, the act of taking a Flabongo is entirely self-sufficient requiring no one to stand at the top of a staircase, on their tippy toes, or, in some cases, on a roof or balcony. No valves required, no clumsy set-up, no hassle.

In short, the Flabongo makes the act of drinking an entire beer in less than 10 seconds much easier than it ever was with the burdensome hose/funnel/valve set-up. Based on sheer functionality alone, this product is a winner. However, in that regard you could make a similar case for an accordion folder. You’ve got an easy, hassle-free, compact way of handling a problem, in this case document storage, but no one would ever write a glowing review of the accordion folder. And that’s where the Flabongo takes it to another level.

In addition to being so-simple-it’s-genius in its design, the Flabongo is just plain cool. The yard flamingo is instantly recognizable and thus, perfect for re-appropriation. I had it in my carry-on luggage and wondered if the guy watching the x-ray machine at the security checkpoint had to pause to ponder if I was really traveling with a yard flamingo. And having that thought is just plain fun. Anytime you can innocuously confuse someone in a position of authority, it’s a good day.

The Flabongo is bright pink and looks like it’s ready to party. Getting together and drinking with your friends is about random weird shit that you can re-live later, and busting out a modified yard flamingo at a party definitely fits the bill. It’s quirky, it travels easy, it looks cool, and it gets the job done better than its predecessor. What else do you need?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention one drawback and one modified use I discovered while packing my suitcase. The one minor drawback is that due to its unusual shape, you have to babysit the Flabongo a bit while waiting for the foam to go down after you pour in a beer. This isn’t a huge issue, but you know that once you have a few drinks in your system, your patience is not at its strongest. There’s not a good way to set it down as there is with a traditional beer bong where you can either hang it on something or lay it flat while you wait. But as I stated earlier, the foam doesn’t take nearly as long to subside as it does in a regular bong, so this is likely a frustration borne entirely out of drunken impatience more than anything else. It was funny watching one of us holding the thing like a baby while waiting for the foam to dissipate though.

As for finding other uses, the Flabongo works phenomenally for playfully terrorizing a cat. I gave the Flabongo the personality and voice of a somewhat foppish, insistent French person and incessantly prodded Buttfor with its beak urging him to “Kees me! Kees me!” Although trepidacious and a bit perturbed at first, Buttfor ultimately warmed up to the Flabongo and I caught him and Bumhug spooning it two hours later.

Overall, the Flabongo is a dynamite little product that gives you a superior alternative to the unwieldy regular beer bong. It really shoots the beer down your throat reminding you what a cheap, dirty harlot you really are, and cleans up like a dream. And for less than $20, you can’t beat it.

Or get yourself a flock of them!

CJS Product Review Rating: Beertastic!

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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