Cru Jones Society

Commercials for the most part pretty much occupy the space between a 24 minute show and a 30 minute time block. Usually they don’t hit the radar since 99% of the commercials out there are a combination of previews for more shows, products I either don’t need, or already knew I wanted, and some feature people who are just happy that they only have to take one pill to prevent a raging herpes outbreak. Every now and again a commercial comes along that somehow despite millions of dollars of production, endless focus group testing, and what I can only assume is a small army of MBAs, manages to miss the point so completely that I am unable to even consider what product is being advertised through my blood curtling disdain over what transpires within a 30 second advertisement. Here are four that are currently chapping my ass.

Cherrios – Bitchy Wife

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IZ9CL4phPk&feature=related

 

This is a commercial for Multigrain Cheerios, which taste terrible. I’m not sure exactly what they’re aiming for here, but the exchange between this poor beaten bastard and his miserable bitch of a wife make me sad. The poor husband, after clearly exhausting all other potential lines of conversation with his wife, who clearly hates him, makes an idle comment about what he happens to read on a cereal box once morning when he finds her eating Multigrain Cheerios for the first time. He commits the cardinal sin of inquiring as to whether or not his wife is trying to lose weight, and she responds with one of the most miserable bitchy looks on record. The poor defeated husband puts his foot in his mouth, and ostensibly goes back to thinking about whatever it is that gets him through each new day in his loveless marriage with a miserable ugly middle aged bitch of a wife. Mmmmm Who’s hungry for Cheerios?

 

 

Alltel Chad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1jfofjPtEY&feature=related

Wireless commercials permeate television like few other products, and Alltel wireless has apparently banked its entire existence on a dumbshit with a big blonde fauxhawk named Chad. We’ve been forced to witness the evolution of this worthless advertising since Alltel tried to use celebrity look alikes attempting to mock the spokespeople of the other wireless carriers. Evidently they were sued, and decided to go after the used appliance salesman of the 21^st century: the Cell phone salesman. Chad is supposed to be the debonair Alltel cool guy who will help you get friends, and all of the other carriers apparently use nerds who drive around in a kidnapper van with a wizard painted on the side.

Alltel went horribly awry in my mind approximately a year ago when I gave up on Chad’s deuchy smarm and started rooting for the nerds. Seriously, they’ve got crazy hair, a pretty sweet van and they clearly don’t like that slimy ass hat Chad. I’d rather go out drinking with those guys

 

 

 

 AT&T– leftover minutes, mother whose family hates her

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuu3jdmXQ4Y

 

Third up is my second least favorite cellular phone marketing campaign, and my second least favorite commercial family behind that miserable Cheerios couple. AT&T apparently offers cellular phone customers the luxury of “rollover minutes” which apparently allows people to carry over unused minutes from month to month. The marketing geniuses at Cingular have decided that the best way to tell America about this is to show us an average family whose poor mother only wants to reuse minutes from month to month. Unfortunately for her, she is surrounded by ungrateful spoiled little shits for kids, and a worthless husband who sides with the children. Apparently teenagers in 2009 not only take for granted the fact that their parents are nice enough to supply them with portable telephones that they don’t have to pay for, they feel like they’re entitled to just waste as much airtime and money as they feel necessary. You don’t want to use your cell phone minutes you spoiled teenage fuck? How about I just shove that phone directly up your ungrateful ass instead?

 

 

 

Pizza Hut – shocking people when “pizza hut delivers the pasta”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UknrvP4u7oo&feature=related

 

Last up with Pizza Hut’s incredibly lame failure of an attempt at viral marketing. You see, Pizza hut makes pasta now, and they’ve set out to announce that fact to all of us via “hidden camera” of morons, and Italians at some white tablecloth bistro (who may be morons themselves, I can’t say exactly) being fooled into thinking they’re eating good pasta instead of the frozen blocks of shit they’re actually eating that was made by Pizza Hut. Congratulations Pizza Hut, you’ve fooled some dumb blonde bimbo that the macaroni and cheese with little bits of bacon in it that she was eating was in fact actually decent food, and not crap. Way to accidentally admit that you’re serving sub standard re-heated frozen garbage instead of actual fresh cooked food.

 

 

senor.limon@crujonessociety.com