Cru Jones Society

 

Somehow I managed to draw the short straw and became fated to follow the Bill Allen interview. Another thanks to Bill Allen for taking time out to do that, but how the hell I am I suppose to follow that? I thought long and hard about how to. I knew I couldn’t top it, so I’m attempting to ride the coat tails.

What does that mean? That means I am going to talk about another 80’s movie that I love. I briefly touched on this film a few months back, but now I am giving it much more attention. Even though I essentially ended up dissecting this movie and pointing out the flaws, I still find it fun and enjoyable. I am already looking forward to my next viewing of it. The cinematic masterpiece I’m speaking of is 1987’s The Monster Squad.

I wasn’t sure how I wanted to approach this. I didn’t want to just talk about it frame by frame, or drool over how funny or poignant it is. I kind of came it like a live journal, only I didn’t describe the action, just the random thoughts that pertained to the film. It is a bit jumbled, but I will try to link it together as best as I can. So grab your wooden stakes, silver bullets, and pitch forks n’ fire and let’s do this.

A brief synopsis for those who have yet to experience the squad. There exists an amulet that will give Dracula unimaginable power, but he only has a 24 hour window once every one hundred years, on the 87 apparently, to get the posses the amulet and gain the power. Van Helsing was able to stop Dracula in 1887 and the amulet was sealed below what became a house in rural America. 99 years and 360ish days later, Dracula arrives in a town to search for the amulet. This town also contains a group of rag tag junior high kids really into monsters. The kids become aware of the presence of Dracula and the monsters he recruited and a small battle ensues.

I grabbed myself a beer, pressed the play button, and began to watch. During the opening credits I noticed that it says Tom Noonan as Frankenstein. I’ve always wondered why some actors were listed this way. All I ever think is, “And Jerry Matters as the Beaver.” But honestly, what is so special about Tom Noonan? You know, other than the fact that he was the Ripper in Last Action Hero.

Not played by Tom Noonan was Van Helsing. He seems like kind of a big deal in the whole Dracula lore, but I’ve been turned off by him since that movie where he was portrayed by Wolverine. That movie kind of pretty much was not very good. Outside of that I don’t really know too much about the guy, and I don’t really care to.

Watching a movie about monsters I started thinking about Monster in my Pocket. (Insert joke here) but no, not that, perv. The small rubber toys. I used to love those things. I tried to collect them all, but I fell short. Story of my life. Dammit how I wanted that other 25 pointer.

Oh right the movie.

So there is a fat kid in this movie and everyone, including his friends, calls him Fat Kid. That’s rough, but at least he doesn’t have to do the Truffle Shuffle.

Fat Kid has a line, while being picked on by Wayne Arnold, anyone ever seen him in a role where wasn’t a butthead? Yeah me neither. Anyway, Fat Kid uses dialog that comes across as genuine junior high speak. After being called fat, he says, “I have a glandular problem, ok? At least I don’t have a stupidity problem.” You burned Wayne Arnold good with that one Fat Kid.

I also like these squad kids because I can relate to them. Much like the CJS staff, they get in ridiculous arguments like whether or not Wolfman can drive a car. This quickly dissolves into a petty insult exchange. Change “can Wolfman drive a car” to which Perfect Stranger had the girlfriend with an angular face and you have a typical CJS staff meeting.

Tom Noonan is about to make his first appearance in the film, well kind of. There’s a plane transporting dead bodies. The bodies are in coffins that look more like crates, and these crates are loaded on this plane and held in place with nets like it’s on a ship circa 1925. One of these crates contains Frankenstein. We know this because the word Frankenstein is stencil in large letters on the top as well as the side.

First of all, I feel over time society has come to believe Frankenstein is the name of the monster. In reality Frankenstein is the name of the doctor who made the monster. This movie even makes a point to mention that. So I question who is actually in that crate, also is that really the best way to label the dead? Seems a bit disrespectful.

If it is Frankenstein’s monster then I have a few more questions. How did he die? Was it old age? Is that even possible for Frankenstein’s monster? Was it at the hand of an angry mob? Why would a mob allow such a monster to be put into a coffin and possibly buried? When the hell did he died? Wouldn’t he have rotted away by 1987? He was made up of dead people to begin with. Where was he being transferred to? I think my critical thinking class may destroy the way I watch movies.

Let’s try something fun. The squad gives a test to see if the Fonz-esq older kid is worthy to be in the Monster Squad. See if you can pass the test and make it in. The answers are at the end of the post.

Questions:

1. Name two ways to kill a vampire.

2. Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?

3. Two ways to kill a werewolf.

 

These are all the questions before squad leader is called to dinner which sets up the subplot of the movie. I hate when movies like this feel the desire to make it more by adding a real life problem. Instead of 90 awesome minutes of kids fighting monsters, the paced gets slowed down as we are shown the marriage problems and the looming divorce which is null and voided when they see their daughter nearly killed by Dracula.

Dracula: saving marriages one couple at a time.

The kids find out that Dracula is in their town from a written phone message the main kid gets. The caller’s name was an anagram for Dracula. The kid would only figure this out if he saw the word written which I believe is the only reason this phone message is there since the kid was home the entire night and it would have been easier to just hand him the phone. Unless he was in the can. That must have been it.

Meanwhile, Dracula resurrects Frankenstein’s monster only to lock him up in a cell and use him only he needs someone who is retard strong and retard smart. They have kind of a George and Lennie thing going on. Only Dracula is more of a dick.

The kids seek help from Scary German Guy to read Van Helsing’s journal. Turns out Scary German Guy isn’t that scary. So the name goes from clever to ironic. As the kids leave, Fat Kid says to Scary German Guy, (btw, I wish everyone had names that were basic descriptions of them). Fat Kid says, “You sure know a lot about monsters.” To which Scary German Guy replies, “Now that you mention it …I suppose I do.” Then he shuts the door and we see on his arm numbers. The kind given to prisoners in concentration camp. This movie is deep, kind of. Since that is played out any further, it is more of the writer/director’s personal “fuck you!” to Hitler. The way to do it is definitely to do it subtly and in a movie geared towards pre-teens. You got Hitler good with that writer/director. But seriously, Hitler sucks.

Dracula is driving a car in this movie. How did he learn to drive? Also if he can transform into a bat why does he need to drive? Is it out of fear of being raped by a gay Renfield who also learned how to turn into a bat? Then Dracula goes on to blow a kids tree house and call a five year old a bitch. Dracula truly is a dick.

If there was any doubt that this movie was made in the 80’s the cheesy rap song playing during the credits will clear any doubt. Also the fact that they get away with a main character call Fat Kid and another character called Scary German Guy. Then there’s the scene where Fonz-esq uses an open flame in shop class to make bullets. None of that would fly in any super sensitive decade after the 80’s

That is a fun movie and no matter how many times I watch I never grow tired of Fat Kid kicking Wolfman in the nards. If you haven’t seen The Monster Squad, leave work now and go watch it. Actually with the economy where it is we need everyone working. But sometime soon, do yourself a favor and see this movie.

Any last words Fat Kid?

My name…is Horace!

Answers: 1. Stake in the heart and sunlight or daylight. 2. Guy. 3. Silver bullet, and um, uh, car crash? Accident with power tools? Old age? Falling out a window onto a bomb? Ok there’s only one way.

See ya in another 100 years…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com