Like Roe vs Wade? 

It’s April, damn near May, which means the Stanley Cup playoffs are in full swing. Even though my beloved Avalanche spent the latter part of the season looking like retards trying to fuck a doorknob and thus aren’t in the hunt for the cup, there’s still hockey so I’m watching. Watching these hockey matches means having to put up with the air wave atrocity known as Versus.

Versus used to be the Outdoor Life Network and it was equally awful then with hunting and fishing shows, but they never showed anything I wanted to watch so I was bombarded and annoyed with ads for such shows. Now that I watch the channel for hockey, I get to see ads for rodeo and car racing shows. Not only do I get pissed off by the hicks in these ads, I then start thinking too much about the kind of people that are so enthralled in the rodeo life that they watch it on television. These are competitions that ESPN2 won’t even air at 3:37 in the morning on a Thursday.

I don’t know if you have seen bull riding, but it consists of a guy on a bull for around 8 seconds then he’s face flat on the ground trying not to get stomped to death while a man who may or may not be the bastard child of Quick Draw MaGraw and Ronald McDonald distracts the half ton, rage filled, horned beast. The ads boast the riders don’t use helmets because they’re “tough.” With all the information we have on concussions, I call that being a dumb shit, not tough.

I’m a bull. I kill you!

Now that I have sat through 3 minutes of redneck luring, I can watch hockey. I find the best way to do this is to mute the TV and listen to music, comedy podcasts, or finger nails on a chalk board. Seriously, I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for three hours than these ass bags. They have irritating voices, uninteresting or unclever things to say, and take every opportunity to give verbal fellatio to the Red Wings or any east coast team. Plus the around the 12 minute mark of the period they proceed to tell me at every break in the action that the damned Verizon Wireless intermission report is coming up and I can watch Brian Engblom, a man who is so desperately trying to be Barry Melrose, even down to the awful looking hair.

If a three hour broadcast of this atrocity isn’t enough to drive me to put a bullet in my head, or TV, then maybe an additional hour of programming will. The other show I will occasionally attempt to watch is World Extreme Cagefighting. But again the same kind of things as mentioned above come into play. Additionally the poor production value that comes with a sports network that doesn’t have the letters ESPN come into play. I would rather watch my professional wrestling tapes from the eighties.

I wish Gary Bettman hadn’t fucked up the NHL so badly and I wouldn’t have to hurt my eyes and ears with the shit show that is Versus. But he did, and I have to if I want to see post season hockey. I’ll just complain about.

Sad panda

See ya in the box…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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