Welcome to the 2nd Annual CJS Kentucky Derby Awards. The 135th running was this past Saturday, and with drink in hand, no money riding we sat back, and a high definition TV we were ready for the fastest two minutes in sports. But we had to sit through the longest pre-game show in sports first. We took that opportunity to Tweet and prepare for this year’s awards. So grab a Kentucky Hot Brown, a Gin Rickey, explain to your boss why you have a Gin Rickey at work and at such an early hour, then read on.
Best Impression of Ollie Williams Blaccuweather Forecast
Winner: Donna Brothers describing the track right before the race
Dagger: Bob Costas sets it up beautifully. He says, “And now let’s cut to Donna Brothers with an update on the track. Donna?”
Donna: “The track’s still muddy.”
Bob: “Thanks, Donna.”
Hart: Dynamite drop in Donna. Honestly I am surprised she went with “muddy” and not “sloppy.” It’s also a surprise that she is more like a near 300 lb. cartoon black weatherman than Al Roker.
Dagger: Is that really a surprise?
Hart: No, I guess not.
Best Politically Incorrect Moment Not Mentioned by Anyone
Winner: One of the horses trying to hump another horse on the way to the starting gate
Dagger: This is what you’ve gotta love about horse racing.
Hart: The part you love about horse racing is the horse sex?
Dagger: Maybe you let me finish, huh? A horse race is one of the purest forms of competition around because a horse doesn’t really know any better; it’s just running as fast as it can. Watching them haul ass around a dirt track is a glimpse into athletic ability we as humans can only dream of. Dog racing is even more pure because there’s not some quasi-midget riding on top of the dog whipping it with leather; the dog is just running, running, running until it can’t run no more.
Hart: That would be creepy if there were people tiny enough to ride dogs. Even more so if said tiny person made a living by riding dogs. Or they could have a monkey riding the dogs, but that would be mainly for show and not so much the same as a jockey.
Dagger: Anyway, that blissful lack of awareness also means that a horse doesn’t realize it’s on national television in front of thousands of people watching live and in person with millions more glued to their televisions at home. So when a horse starts rearing back trying to get himself a little strange right on the track in one of the biggest sporting events of the year, we all come back to earth a little bit.
Because as we all know, it doesn’t matter where you are, if you can score yourself some ‘tang, you’re going to throw all your efforts into it circumstances be damned. So seeing one of the most prized race horses in the country say to itself, “I suspect we’re going to race soon because this stupid midget is on top of me and I’m out of the barn. But that filly right here is just…so…hot. Screw it, I’m going for it!” was one of my favorite moments. And because Bob Costas is so dignified in everything he does, you know he’s not going to mention it, so that left Hart and I to giggle like a couple of broads at the absurdity of what should have been a regal moment.
Best Obscure Reference of the Afternoon
Winner: Larry Jones looks like Larry Hagman and somewhere Patrick Duffy gets out of the shower wondering how it’s Derby Day already.
Dagger: Larry Jones was the trainer/owner of Eight Belles who unfortunately had to be euthanized on the track last year after the race. I can’t for the life of me remember what exactly was said during his interview, but all I could think about was how much he resembled Larry Hagman, most famous for playing J.R. Ewing on the 1980′s primetime soap “Dallas.” I said at one point, “That dude looks just like Larry Hagman,” causing both Lady E and Hart to look at me with a look like, “Alright Dagger, you’ve lost me again. Why don’t you explain this one too and unfunny it for all of us.” Fortunately Hart caught on when I said J.R. Ewing, so that devolved into a whole series of jokes revolving around Patrick Duffy getting out of the shower and wondering how Derby Day came so early this year. That led to Family Guy references, which led to jokes about the kids from “Step by Step” which took us completely out of the Derby for several minutes causing our Twitter feed to die momentarily. But whatever, it was worth it.
Hart: Does that mean the entire saga of who shot Eight Belles was just a dream? That’s right ladies and gentleman, not only did we reference “Dallas,” but Dagger knows the name of the guy who played J.R.
Best New Chauvinist Term
You can thank Lady E for this one. She said, and I quote, “Why do all these ladybitches get to keep their hats on during the National Anthem?” I’d never heard the term “ladybitches” before, and when you look at the haughty, pretentious, hat-wearing female populace of the Kentucky Derby, “ladybitch” is an uncannily perfect term. It’s like, the term “bitch” has been destroyed by rap music and high school jocks everywhere, so you can’t just say “Why do all these bitches get to keep their hats on during the National Anthem?” That implies a group of hoochies with thongs sticking out the back of their jeans and high ponytails. “Ladybitch” implies a level of class because they’re still “ladies,” but for failing to display the proper respect for our country, they fall into the traditional definition of “bitch.” Hence, “ladybitch” is born.
Of course, this also sparked an argument with Augie via Twitter about why their hats stayed on in the first place, and he informed us that in many cases, their hats are attached to their hair, and cannot be removed. Needless to say, we called him a pinko, and questioned his sexuality for dropping such good (and completely logical) knowledge on us.
Best Reason to Buy a New Luxury Car from Ashley Schaeffer
Winner: Bob Baffert
Dagger: Bob Baffert is one of the horse trainers, and judging by his wardrobe, a huge Ric Flair enthusiast too. Allegedly, Will Ferrell took much of his inspiration from Ric Flair in crafting his Ashley Schaeffer persona in the HBO show “Eastbound and Down.” If you haven’t seen this show, get off your ass and check it out. It’s one of the most unapologetically vulgar shows of recent memory using profanity like punctuation, and for forgoing to engender any sympathy for the main character. And Ashley Schaeffer is one of the scummiest motherfuckers in a show full of scummy motherfuckers.
Bob Baffert acquit himself reasonably well during his interviews, but watching him talk with his white hair, obnoxious sunglasses and Southern accent, all I could picture was this.
Worst Suit of the Afternoon (and possibly ever)
Winner: His Airness, Michael Jordan
Dagger: Michael Jordan showed up wearing a suit made from the wallpaper of a Motel 6 somewhere in the middle of Nebraska. His yellow, orange, light green, and white striped number was one of the ugliest suits on record, and we would know because we’ve watched Barry Melrose for over 10 years.
Lady E claimed the suit resembled a couch that used to be in her grandmother’s house, and while we might question why Jordan would rob an old lady for her couch only to make the world’s ugliest suit out of it, stranger things have happened. Some people think Jordan retired from basketball the first time because he had a horrific gambling problem that would have caused a PR nightmare for the NBA. So, it’s alleged that David Stern coerced him into retiring to avoid it, and let him come back once it blew over. Some people actually believe this.
I say, if you believe this, why wouldn’t you believe that Jordan was capable of turning an old lady’s couch into his Derby Day suit?
Hart: One of the down sides of being rich and famous and being surrounded by yes men. Apparently nobody had the balls to tell Jordan he looked worse than the carpet in an elementary school classroom. None of that going on here at CJS. During the rendezvous in Tucson this year, Dagger put on a Baseball Furries jersey and Limon didn’t hesitate to let him know it looked like something the socially awkward, tongue chewing, nerdy kid we knew in high school would wear.
Most Depressing Sign of the Recession
Winner: Lack of Star Power at the Derby
Dagger: While we didn’t miss Billy Bush interviewing celebrities and pseudo-celebrities on the red carpet in the least this year, we were puzzled about the lack of star power at the Derby overall. The only interviews on the red carpet or in millionaire’s row seemed to be with trainers, and then Michael Jordan and Eli Manning. Are these really the only celebrities in attendance? We saw Nick Lachey drunkenly singing along to “My Old Kentucky Home” right before the race, but where were the awkward interactions?
Hart: Where were Spencer Pratt and Lauren Conrad having the most awkward conversation of all time with Lennox Lewis? Where was Fred Willard to poke at the entire event? Shit, where was Hef? All of these moments were sadly absent, and while we normally couldn’t care less about the activities of celebrities, we care very deeply about unintentional comedy in our Derby coverage. And last year was friggin’ gold, baby.
Dagger: This year? Disappointing. Case in point: During the celebrity chef bit, Resident Smiling Goon Tiki Barber sent it down to some ladybitch who’s one of the stars of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” I had to look this up to make sure it’s a real show, and sure enough, it’s some reality bullshit that airs on Bravo, which used to be a real network, just like A&E used to be. I understand cross promotion and all that crap, but is this really the best we could do? Some reality hooch’s house party on Derby Day? Is the recession really this bad? Is Kentucky really too expensive a flight from Los Angeles? And if so, where were all the New York residents? I’m ashamed of the celebrities this year.
Hart: The lack of celebrities was something that didn’t even occur to me until later. We need them around because we can only make fun of southern horse owners for so long until we run out of jokes. The whole production was lacking. It felt like those SNL years when Lorne Michaels was gone. They couldn’t get the celebrities people wanted to see and they experimented with sketches that weren’t good, like some fat idiot in a sweater vest explaining how jockeys are assigned to horses.
“Big Brown Upside Down” Annual Innuendo of the Year Award
Winner: Kentucky Hot Brown
Dagger: In honor of our much loved Big Brown Upside Down joke from last year, we’ve decided to make this a permanent award. I’ve never heard of this dish, and seeing Resident Smiling Goon Tiki Barber eat it “with a pickle” didn’t make me any warmer to trying it. Kentucky Hot Brown sounds like one of those dirty sex acts people claim exist but no one’s ever tried like a Cleveland Steamer or Dirty Sanchez except for that guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell.
“What are you gonna do to me tonight, baby?”
“Well, I’m gonna give you an Alabama Crab Dangle followed by a Kentucky Hot Brown.”
“Oooh baby, that sounds hot!”
Hart: The only girls I’ve found who are actually into a Kentucky Hot Brown are girls whose names end in “ie.” And even then it takes a lot of booze and twice as much convincing. Also there is the mess, I don’t recommend it. I’m sorry, I was thinking of Kentucky Fried Chicken, not Kentucky Hot Brown.
Gayest Moment of the Entire Derby
Winner: A jockey wearing a big onesie brushes the hair of Mr. Hot Stuff
Dagger: This was a close one, but in the end, the sight of a guy wearing a onesie brushing a horse named Mr. Hot Stuff was just a little bit gayer than Resident Smiling Goon Tiki Barber saying “the pickle got it” as he ate the Kentucky Hot Brown in-between two sexually ambiguous chefs during a cheap cross promotional effort. Actually, typing that now, I’m not sure.
But still, if you’re not an infant and you’ve got a onesie on, you’re queer as a $3 bill. And when you re-enact every little girl’s My Little Pony fantasy by brushing your horse, you’re bordering not only gay territory, but you’re this close to making your penis fall off altogether and becoming a full-fledged lesbian. All things considered, it was one surreal fucking moment.
Hart: I think Donna Brothers was slightly excited by this moment.
Best Tradition That Never Gets Old
Winner: Kentucky Derby “ladybitches” and their crazy hats
Hart: Our society is surprisingly averse to hats. Watch any old movie and everyone is wearing a goddamn domepiece. Men, women, children, doormen, taxi cab drivers, businessmen, salesman, high society ladybitches, cleaning ladies, everyone…
Dagger: Seeing all the loony hats at the Derby is like a throwback to a time past, and it’s fun. Women especially don’t wear hats anymore, so seeing them wear something with a brim you could feasibly fit a family of four under is awesome fun. On the CJS sports bucket list, #1 is attend the Derby. Lady E said she’d buy a crazy hat, I’d get my seersucker suit on, and we’d all belt out “My Old Kentucky Home” like our lives depended on it. The Kentucky Derby has so much romantic history it’s hard not to get swept up in it.
Hart: We should probably just wear seersucker suits whether we go or not. Lady E should forget the wedding veil and just get a hat. Or some kind of combo of the two, like what Brooke Shields was wearing. You should really let me handle all your wedding ideas.
Today’s Secret Word Is…
Winner: Sloppy! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Dagger: No one could stop saying this word, so we made like Pee Wee’s Playhouse and turned it into our secret word for the day. Not sure why we skewed so young like that and didn’t turn it into a drinking game or something, but we’re glad we didn’t. Considering everyone was dropping this at a clip comparable to the number of times “fuck” is heard in your average Martin Scorsese movie, we’d have been dead. So we made it our secret word instead.
Hart: I don’t think the secret word was official since it wasn’t given to us by Conky. I am glad we only went that far with the Pee Wee’s Playhouse thing. There was a chance we could have started talking to the furniture.
Best New Summer Cocktail
Winner: Gin Rickey
2 oz gin
½ oz lime juice
fill with club soda
Dagger: According to an Esquire article dated September 4, 2008, the Gin Rickey is the official drink of summer. Why Esquire would anoint such a distinction ostensibly at the end of summer aside, Hart and I decided we couldn’t handle another Derby Day drinking mint juleps. After feeling like complete dog vomit combining bourbon, heated sugar water, various beers, Mexican food, and, in my case, a half a pack of cigarettes, last year, thinking about drinking a julep made me want to puke.
Hart: And once again, me too. So we did some research and since Derby Day has become our 3rd favorite holiday (behind only Halloween and Bastille Day), we decided we either needed to resurrect a long forgotten cocktail, or check out some obscure ones. After scouring numerous drink databases, we ended up back at Esquire.com whose database is surprisingly user-friendly, thorough, and fun to navigate. We decided we needed a bourbon drink (in honor of Kentucky, more on that later) and a drink that Mr. Burns would likely enjoy.
Dagger: So, Gin Rickey it was. The taste is disarmingly innocuous as the piney qualities of the gin offset with the tartness of the lime, giving you a cocktail that cuts your thirst amazingly well and that’s not sickly sweet like so many other alleged summer cocktails. We’d definitely order one of these again, and in fact, did when we hit up The Hornet after the race was over. The poor waitress didn’t know what the fuck we were talking about, but that’s okay, it’s the official drink of summer, right? Or is the Cru Jones Society once again going to be the only weirdos at the bar?
Hart: I was a little skeptical of this drink at first. Gin is not my favorite drink. I blame the mine field I was given on my 21st birthday, where I essentially chased a shot of rum with a shot of vodka with a shot of gin. But to my surprise, the Gin Rickey was a tasty drink.
Judging by the waitress, I would have to say we are well on our way towards being the weirdos at the bar. But I say Gin Rickeys at all CJS events this summer.
The Common Sense Award
Winner: I Want Revenge’s Trainer scratches his horse from the race
Hart: Due to such close watch and scrutiny over every single aspect on the way the horses are treated and cared for, I Want Revenge’s owner would have faced an angry, non violent PETA mob.
Dagger: Hearing that they euthanized Eight Belles right on the track last year was horrific, and keeping in mind “Barbaro Watch 2006,” we’re glad we avoided all tragedy this year. This concludes the serious part of Derby coverage.
Best Impression of Chris Farley Award
Winner: Al Roker
Hart: Al Roker is doing a segment with the guy who blows the bugle to signal the start of the race. Wait, is it a bugle? I was calling it that all day, but turns out I don’t know for sure if that is a bugle. Whatever kind of horn that is, Al was going to defile it.
The horn player decided that if Al was going to play the horn, he had to dress the part. I guess the horn player, I should really find what he’s called, maybe by next year’s Derby, assumed Al lost more weight than he actually did because he returns with a jacket entirely too small. This of course meant we would spend the next few minutes reciting one of our favorite movies, “Tommy Boy.” Specifically, “Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little cooooaaaat. Fat guy in a little cooooooaaaaaat.”
Dagger: I’m watching the Today Show as I edit this, and that’s still all I keep singing. Lady E is either going to call off the wedding or beat me to death with her curling iron. Either way it’d be worth it watching that fat bastard squeezed into that tiny coat and mocking him for it.
The Looks Can Be Deceiving Award
Winner: Ward Eight Cooler
2 oz. 101-proof bourbon
¾ oz. lemon juice
¾ oz. orange juice
1 teaspoon grenadine
Club soda to taste
Hart: Since it is the Kentucky Derby we felt it necessary to have a drink involving bourbon. Again using the Esquire drink database we came upon this beauty. It looks cool, refreshing, and delicious. Ours looked a little more pink than the picture on the website. Ours looked like Ruby Red grapefruit juice. Unfortunately it didn’t taste that way. The taste is as confusing as the combination of ingredients sound.
This drink was chosen after my first idea was shot down. Something called a Dirty Butt Whore. Which contained bourbon, Jagermeister, orange juice, and coke. Come to think of it, this sounds like a “vodka tonic” Dagger made for me once while drunk. Essentially it contains whatever was liquid and nearby.
Dagger: I think I liked this more than Hart as I claimed that it got better as you went along. This is only true of alcoholic drinks for obvious reasons as I don’t like Diet Coke anymore after 16 ounces of it than I do after 2. I need to try this again as it’s altogether way too confusing to evaluate after only one try. It’s tart, bitter, sweet, bourbon-y, carbonated, and fruity all at once. It’s like a drunk clown beefed in your mouth.
Hart: You worry me.
Best Unexpected Twist of the Day
Winner: Mine That Bird
Dagger: Gotta love the underdog. Considering I Want Revenge was out, the field was wide open. Like a complete candy ass, Gutter jumped on the new favorite Friesan Fire, Augie took Pioneerof the Nile, I stuck with Chocolate Candy, Hart chose General Quarters, and Lady E took Hold Me Back. And since we weren’t actually gambling, it was awesome to see none of those horses win.
Hart: I chose General Quarters only because you shot down my first choice of Mr. Ed.
Dagger: Of Course.
Hart: Oh, and how did Friesan Fire finish? Dead last? Yeah, he had a good day though.
Dagger: Hee hee. Our history with long shots is well documented by our trip to Del Mar, so Mine That Bird pulling a Tiger Blitz and obliterating the gambling line was right up our alley. And since this was such a long shot and Mine That Bird might not even race at Belmont, maybe we won’t have to endure endless speculation about whether or not this is the year we finally get another Triple Crown. You hope for a good race, you hope to be surprised, and you hope when you’re done, the jockey looks like he finished filming a German porno version of “Kentucky Hot Brown 2: In ya’ face!” We got all those things with this race, so what else can we ask for?
And I answer: Nothing less next year. We’ll certainly be here to cover it, and we hope you’ll join us then too.
Hart: One last look at the track before we go. Donna?
Donna: It’s still muddy.
Hart: Thanks, Donna.
Dagger and Hart
04 May 2009 CJS Staff