Cru Jones Society

 

Happy Memorial Day, CJS faithful. Although we expect most of you are actually reading this on Tuesday, we thought it apropos to discuss these flicks anyway. Memorial Day traditionally signals the start of the summer movie season, but just like the Christmas Industrial Complex, studios continue to take more and more of the calendar for themselves for summer movie season. We’ve never been slaves to the calendar ourselves, so what the fuck do we care? Let’s take a look at the answers to this question: What summer movie are you most excited for and which one looks most likely to suck balls? Hart and Dagger answer first, then our readers take their turn.

E Dagger: Summer movie season is the best season. Roger Ebert is the best movie critic in history for a variety of reasons, but chief among them is his ability to judge a movie by only what it’s trying to be and how successfully it achieves that. A lot of critics will shit on summer movies simply because they aren’t the same high-fallutin’ intellectual fare of winter Oscar season, but Roger Ebert argues differently. He says (I’m paraphrasing here), “Hey, it’s summer. I’ve got my popcorn ready, I want to sit back and be entertained. So make with the jokes, blow some stuff up, and entertain me!” That’s what the summer’s all about, baby.

But with that said, there certainly appears to be some shit out there. I’m giving a pass to films obviously not aimed at me like The Proposal and The Ugly Truth, but with regard to those two movies specifically, how many times are we supposed to enjoy both Sandra Bullock and Katherine Heigl in mismatched pairs fall in love unexpectedly romantic comedy cannon? Katherine Heigl plays a daytime show producer who falls in love with her sexist pig co-star which sounds like every other romantic comedy premise of the last 10 years. Bullock and Ryan Reynolds meanwhile re-enact Green Card of all movies, and hey, any time you have the opportunity to re-create the magic of the worst actress of the last 20 years in Andie McDowell with the wily charms of (read: hideous ugliness of) Gerard Depardieu, you have to do it, right?

No, the movie I think will unfortunately suck is Up by Pixar. Pixar has the best track record of any studio anywhere, but something about this entire concept rubs me the wrong way. I think 90% of that stems from that old guy’s weird-looking face and grouchy disposition. I realize that’s a bit ridiculous, but if merely looking at the lead character makes you angry, that doesn’t bode well for your potential for enjoyment. I’m irritated by the premise of this guy attaching balloons to his house and flying to Brazil, and using the law of averages, Pixar is long overdue for a swing and a miss. I hope to be wrong here, and fully expect to be, but you never know.

As for excitement, that list is long. I can’t wait to see Jack Black and Michael Cera in Year One. I’m not going to sit on Bruno the way I sat on Borat, and considering he’s playing a gay Austrian fashion designer, the potential for transcendent comedy is high. In more highbrow fare, Public Enemies boasts the summer’s heaviest hitters – Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and Michael Mann – and any story of John Dillinger is bound to be awesome.

However, I’m such a crazy Tarantino fanboy, I’m almost literally frothing at the mouth in anticipation for Inglourious Basterds (goofy spelling aside). Pulp Fiction is among my favorite movies, Reservoir Dogs has a higher cool quotient than 95% of all other movies, and Jackie Brown is highly underrated. He’s tackled crime in Dogs, slice of life in Pulp Fiction, an adaptation in Brown, kung fu in Kill Bill, and horror in Death Proof. It’s time to see what he does with a war flick. Add in Brad Pitt and a whole cast of cool guys and an opening date right around my birthday, and you’ve got a recipe for E Dagger jumping for joy. I’m all over this movie.

Lee S. Hart: The summer movie I am most looking forward to is G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I loved the G.I.Joe cartoon when I was a wee lad. And the previews make this movie look like it will be balls to the wall action. Explosions, gun fights, explosions. I suddenly feel like Beavis.

Here’s the weird thing though, when I used to watch G.I. Joe, I often found myself rooting for Cobra. Even at my young age I knew that wasn’t normal. I guess we can be lucky it never developed further. They just always seemed cooler to me. I mean Destro and a silver dome; Storm Shadow, the Cobra ninja, dressed in white. In my estimation that makes him a more badass ninja. Any ninja can dress in black and sneak around like a ninja, lot hot, thus requires more skill, to dress in white and sneak around ninja style. I just hope the movie does the cartoon justice, but either way I think it will be a fun action flick.

I am also looking forward to more brilliant comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen Judd Apatow in their respective new movies Bruno and Funny People.

The summer movie I think mostly likely to suck this year will be Land of the Lost. I hated that show – both the old one from the 70′s and the later edition they tried in the 90′s. It has Danny McBride which could help it, but I don’t think he has enough power to save the piece of shit. Also that ape like creature bothers me. I get uncomfortable every time I see it. Going to be an annoying awful movie.

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And now our readers have their turn. We were surprised by some of the responses here as we often are. Although, we suppose it wouldn’t be called the Confessional if we weren’t occasionally appalled or at least mildly shocked by what we hear in here. So read on and decide for yourselves if they’re crazy or if they’re right on in their feelings.

Deuce: This is actually pretty tough and Mrs. Deuce and I were just talking last night about how many fun summer movies are coming out (we were watching a commercial for “The Hangover”) and how it kind of sucks since with the arrival of Tres, it’s much more difficult for us to go to the movies. Alas. Let me preface this selection by saying I am very excited about Star Trek and Transformers, but won’t need a babysitter because Mrs. Deuce wouldn’t be joining me at those, I’d just go with a friend. (What are you doing later, Keithage?)  The movie I think I am most excited to hire a babysitter so I can go to see is Angels and Demons. In fact we’ve already talked about taking Tres to the grandparents house for a night so we can go see it. We both really enjoyed reading that book (way more than the DaVinci Code) and we have heard good things about it. The summer movie I am not looking forward to but will probably have to see is My Life in Ruins. When I saw the commercial for this, I asked if this was the sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Mrs. Deuce said, “No.”  I find that hard to believe, however.

Keithage: “Star Trek”.  I love the series always have.  I recall discussing how pumped I was to see this movie a few weeks ago with Tron at the disgust of my girlfriend.  James T. Kirk is a bad ass, maybe he’ll be more awesome than Picard.  Only time will tell.  “G Force looks” atrocious.  Crime fighting guinea pigs enough said.  Unless it is a crime fighting crime fighter it will probably suck.  I saw “Knocked Up” and thought it was one of the worst movies ever. Because of that waste of an hour of my life, I already hate Judd Apatow’s “Funny People” with Seth Rogen.  This combo only worked the first time in “The 40 year old virgin” because Steve Carrell saved it.  I doubt Adam Sandler will be able to do the same.

Maristredfox: The movie I’m looking most forward to is Terminator: Salvation.  I’m slightly wary due to its PG-13 rating and due to T3 sucking so much, but I’m sure I’ll enjoy seeing Batman blow shit up.

The movie that will completely suck donkey balls, but will still make $100 million, is Transformers 2.  That no-talent dipshit Michael Bay took a diarrhea dump on my childhood with the first shitbucket movie, so I absolutely REFUSE to see this pile of monkey turds.  Man, I talk about poo a lot.

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In keeping with our welcome to summer theme, we come upon next week’s Confessional prompt. Summer not only means fun movies, it means warm weather, picnics, and drinking on patios. So, we want to know: What is your favorite summer libation? Most of the heavy beers have been put away, and the citrusy goodness has returned. Margs? Mojitos? Some other drink starting with M we don’t know about? A special summer-only beer? Be specific about what you drink on the patio during the delightful days of summer and we’ll share it with the world next week. As always, everyone’s welcome in the CJS Confessional, so don’t be shy and send your responses to staff@crujonessociety.com. Enjoy your short work weeks, and we’ll see you back here next Monday.

Dagger & Hart