Cru Jones Society

 

Denver is poised to have a nice weekend for the first time since, I dunno, Obama was officially swarn in as president. So this week’s Happy Friday is dedicated to helping you figure out how to spend your time. Inside we’ve got stuff about the Rockies, recent television including Conan and Spencer Pratt, tons of movie and music news, and boner jokes. Glorious, glorious boner jokes! Join us, won’t you?

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June is guilty pleasure month here at the Cru Jones Society. All month in the Monday Confessional we’re asking you to share with us your favorite guilty pleasures. Just to reiterate something we said at the outset: We realize the concept of a guilty pleasure is patently ridiculous. No one should have to feel bad about anything they derive enjoyment from unless that enjoyment comes from pedophilia or something equally as immoral/illegal/fucked up. With that said, CJS is not nearly as quick to cop to liking the hell out of “Flip This House” as we are to enjoying “30 Rock,” so there you go. Here’s your first question: What is your guilty pleasure music? You know there’s something you rock out to when no one else is around, and we want to hear about it. Send in responses to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll compare experiences on Monday.

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June has not begun well for our beloved Colorado Rockies, however. We feel like fucking New Orleans Saints fans at this point and if the team continues to suck the meat missile this aggressively, it might be time to break out the paper bags (also good for UV protection!) because watching the team isn’t a guilty pleasure, it’s a goddamn affront to common sense.

Here’s where the Rockies stand right now. They fired their manager last week. Garrett Atkins is hitting .188 and is poised for a tour of beautiful Colorado Springs. Jesus, how embarrassing. And Jim Tracy is 3-4 so far as Rockies manager (correct me if I’m wrong about that, Regulars). The good news is that tickets should be nice and cheap the rest of the year. The bad news is that you have to a watch a god-awful team that can’t execute if you do decide to go.

One final note about Clint Hurdle. We have always liked Hurdle as a manager, and in particular, liked the way he handled the media. However, it seems abundantly clear the players have stopped responding to him, and a change was needed. We’re not sure Jim Tracy is the answer considering he was merely a mediocre Dodgers manager and one of many crappy skippers of the Pirates, but for now we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and wish him the best. Also, good luck to Clint Hurdle. Thanks for 2007, and here’s hoping you find more success in the future.

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The Rockies should sign this kid who threw a perfect little league game and struck out all 18 batters he faced. At this point, could putting little leaguers out there be any more maddening than watching Jorge de la Rosa take the ball every fifth day? We think not.

Also, we’d like to thank this local news affiliate for making like every other hack local news outfit and ending this piece with an idiotic pun. Another “pitcher perfect day is in his future?” If we have to explain to you why that’s moronic, you have no business reading this website.

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Welcome back, Conan O’Brien. Lady E and I watched his debut, and while it was filled with a lot of irritating self-consciousness indicative of his new pressure-packed spot, it was good to have Conan back in our lives. I’ll admit I haven’t watched Conan in years mostly because I have a grown-up job and simply cannot stay up that fucking late anymore. And in that absence, I had forgotten just how goddamn funny he is. We used to love falling asleep during Jay Leno’s monologue because Jay’s dull lay-up jokes were like the comedy equivalent of Bob Ross – soothing, harmless, and pleasant. Conan’s actually funny. And on Wednesday, he resurrected the “In the year 2000″ bit updated for the year 3000 (the year 2000 is, we’re guessing, too abstract a comic concept for most square 10:30 viewers to find funny), and dusted off the Max Weinberg as scumbag bit too. All things considered, we’re stoked for this return, and so is the AV Club who wrote a review you can find ri’chere.

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One other article from The AV Club: Josh Modell gets stuck with the thankless task of reviewing the first episode of “I’m a Celebrity , Get Me Out Of Here!” This show looked like intelligence poison to CJS, and Modell basically confirms our suspicions. We couldn’t help but feel schadenfreude-fueled glee by the vitriol with which Modell describes “The Hills” star Spencer Pratt. Based on everything we’ve ever read about him, Spencer is someone that inspires almost immediate hatred in those who waste their time watching him. Sure, he seems like a douche bag of the highest order, but we can’t say we hate the guy. Our only recollection of him comes from watching him stand on the red carpet of the 2008 Kentucky Derby pre-show with his thumb up his ass while that vapid dipshit wife of his had the most awkward conversation in recorded history with Lennox Lewis. And for that, we thank him.

Even though we’ve never seen this show and likely never will, Modell’s last line sums up our feelings on it perfectly.

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Two years ago we weren’t at all excited to see Superbad. To us, it looked like Angus meets any other unfunny shitty teen comedy produced in the last ten years. Then we saw the redband trailer online that opened with this exchange after talking to Evan’s mom:

Seth: I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah… well, at least you got to suck on your dad’s dick.
Seth: It’s a nice lookin’ dick.

After that, we knew we would be all over this movie, so Hart and I got drunk in the parking lot like a couple of high school kids, went in and laughed our asses off.

This year, for whatever reason I have not been excited about The Hangover. It seems like something I should be excited about, but I’m just not. That is until I saw the red band trailer.

For this one, I think we warmed up to it somewhere between when Ed Helms asks for directions and the doctor responds with, “It’s at the corner of ‘Get a Map’ and ‘Fuck Off.’” and Zach Galifianakis declining an invitation to take over all of Vegas next week because the Jonas Bros. are in town.

The point? For any movie you ever consider seeing that’s rated R, always seek out the red band trailer and get further evidence. Now who wants to get drunk in the parking lot and see The Hangover with us?

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It was just over a year ago we wrote about the impending reboot of the Short Circuit film franchise. Well, it appears that this is still moving ahead and now has Dan Milano from “Robot Chicken” involved. The article states that the film will have “a subversive edge” to it which will either make this entirely watchable or utterly insipid, much like the crapshoot that is watching an episode of “Robot Chicken.” No word yet on whether they’ve gotten “a real Indian to play the goddamn Indian” this time.

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The last survivor of the Titanic died earlier this week in her home in Southampton, England. CJS hopes she’s greeted by everyone on the ship at the big clock where Leo Dicaprio awaits and gives her a big ol’ sloppy kiss while everyone applauds. Give us our Heart of the Ocean diamond back, dammit!

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Pretty much everywhere… it’s gonna be hot.

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A month ago we helped you plan a kickass prom night at a time when that information might actually be useful to someone. Y’know, it was April and all and the vast majority of proms hadn’t happened yet. Well, in the spirit of declaring an official drink of summer in September, Esquire fires off a list of funny prom night videos two weeks after the last prom likely occurred. Who is in charge of the calendar at this place? And how do they remain employed? Regardless, this list is amusing enough.

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Former WEC Featherweight Champion Urijah Faber was on Thursday’s Adam Carolla Podcast discussing his upcoming fight with Mike Brown on Versus. Our official favorite WEC fighter is Miguel Angel Torres, but Faber has never had a boring fight in our experience. So check it out on Versus this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. and see one of the sport’s most exciting fighters. Or you could not watch it and continue to sit there like a lifeless goober. It’s your choice.

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Up until earlier this week, the only thing Kimbo Slice had done that we liked was punch David Blaine in the solar plexus. Granted, Blaine just took the punch and nothing much came of it, so whatever. At least someone’s punching him in the solar plexus. Anyway, Dana White said the only way he’d ever sign that freakshow is if he joined his reality show “The Ultimate Fighter” and won.

Well, to Kimbo’s credit he’s putting whatever’s left of his drawing power on the line doing just that.  He’ll be a member of The Ultimate Fighter Season 10 cast along with coaches Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and “Sugar” Rashad Evans making this season blacktacular~! Hopefully Kimbo’s no longer hiding all that glass in his jaw under that big ol’ beard, but I guess come September we’ll find out if he gets to remain Kimbo Slice or if we should go back to calling him Kevin Ferguson.

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Hey kiddos, we know you’re busy as can be these days with working your jobs, and buying your groceries, and wearing your Crocs to garden parties and whatever the fuck else, which is why we’re here to help you plan your social calendar accordingly. Watch the Urijah Faber fight Sunday night. Get drunk and see The Hangover on Monday. Masturbate and have scotch for breakfast Tuesday. Play laser tag with some middle school kids on Wednesday, promise to buy them cigarettes, and then drive home with the money. Use the money to buy internet porn. Go see Rise Against and Rancid together at Red Rocks on Thursday. To properly prepare, find a brief interview with Rise Against lead singer Tim McIlrath right here and an interview with Rancid right over there. This is us, you and me, and CJS!

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Three other brief music tidbits you may not know before we close up…

Less Than Jake drummer and primary songwriter Vinnie Fiorello has written a children’s book about robots called “Sometimes Robots Like Being Robots.” CJS has spent an entire week trying to figure out what part of that sentence we like best. Ruling: Impossible to determine.

Noted douche hat and bassist for Fallout Boy Pete Wentz apparently owns a bar called Angels and Kings in New York City. We can’t imagine what kind of assorted dick cheeses hang out there, but to the surprise of no one, “Angels and Kings was issued a third citation for serving to minors, so they’ve been shut down for three days.” If you play stupid pop-punk music that appeals to teenage girls and guys in tight pants, it’s only natural they’ll want to hang out and drink Zimas and whatever the fuck fruity shit else with its bassist. Seeing this closed for violations reminds us of every other week when Tailgate Tommy’s was closed – you’re only shocked it didn’t happen sooner.

And finally, for those of you interested in this sort of thing: Here’s a preview for The Beatles Rock Band. We definitely don’t hate The Beatles, but we cannot sit down and make ourselves listen to them. We just don’t give a shit. And yes, we’re well aware of how crazy we are and transcendent band and John Lennon and blah blah blah. But we’re willing to bet this game will kick ass and sell a zillion copies nevertheless. And we’ll likely play it. And almost certainly enjoy it. What’s the point here? We don’t know, but it’s almost time to wrap up this Happy Friday.

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If you’ve ever been a consultant, then you know exactly how the people dealing with the customers in this video feel. Even though you’ve worked your ass off, no one ever wants to fucking pay and that shit will drive you totally INSANE. The satire in this video is spot-on and I urge everyone (whether you’re a consultant or working with a consultant) to watch it and take careful notes. Consider that your CJS assigned homework.

Well, that and sending your response to the question: What music is your guilty pleasure? to staff@crujonessociety.com

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Ahh the weekend… Sunshine. Babes in bikinis. Baseball. Boners. Looks just like a CJS weekend, man.

Happy Friday, bitches.

See you next week.

edagger@crujonessociety.com