Like pretty maids all in a row 

As promised, this is the follow up to the New York/New Jersey field trip article from yesterday.

Why are there no Dunkin’ Donuts stores in Colorado ? Goddamned if I know, but until about 5 years ago, Colorado seemed to have a real donut franchise deficiency. No Dunkins, no Krispy Kreme, not even a stupid Mr. Donut to be found. Sure, there were a few Daylight Doughnuts scattered about town like so many wayward crumbs on the bottom of a toaster, but really, how many of you even knew that was a chain?

It’s too simplistic to write “Things We Love: Dunkin’ Donuts” because really, who doesn’t love Dunkin’ fucking Donuts? No, hitting the road and realizing there’s a Dunkins in your general vicinity (or in the case of Boston , on every fucking block) when you have no access to it otherwise is much more appropriate.

Part of me is glad we don’t have Dunkin’ Donuts around here which I realize is a patently insane thing to say. But the fact remains that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder so when you hit one up while on vacation, it’s only that much sweeter. I realize this argument could apply to any vice – smoking, drinking Jagermeister, having really dirty sex – but with your health at stake from eating a bunch of deep-fried sugar, absence is a good thing on a number of fronts.

I was prepared to compare not eating Dunkin’ Donuts to going through a long sexual drought, however doing so would not only make me sound like some food fetishizing fat load preparing to get yelled at by Jillian Michaels Tuesday nights on NBC, but it doesn’t even make sense. Provided you’re not picking up vagrant sailors down at the dock each weekend fighting off the multitude of burning sensations courtesy of Thai-flavored Chlamydia, sex is actually good for you. You burn some calories, you release some endorphins, and you keep your prostate from atrophying into a giant ju-ju-bee. A sexual drought sucks on too many levels to count. Regular sex means happier mind, healthier body, virile wang. Regular donuts means flabby gut, saggy man boobs, and the added emasculation of ordering the one with the cute little sprinkles.

 Ooooh and pink frosting too!

So once a year for the best donuts: Perfect.

Likely responding to America’s perpetually unsuccessful and never-ending quest to get healthy, Dunkin’ Donuts moved beyond just donuts and even contemplated changing their name to reflect this diversification (which was a dumbass idea by the way). So in the spirit of travel and trying new things, I got one of their ham and cheese flatbread sandwiches, and it was just fine – nothing I’d ever go out of my way for or purchase regularly – but just fine. However, considering I got a chocolate cake donut on the side, I think they’re best to focus on donuts.  

(Completely unrelated and random sidenote: I’m watching Joe Versus the Volcano as I type this and I had forgotten just how fucking good this movie is. It just sucks you in, man. I’m gonna be up all night at this rate.)

Visiting old Dunkin’ Donuts friends also marks one of the only times each year I actually drink coffee. Outside of shitty diner coffee served by a weathered, gum-snapping waitress with her hair in a bun held by a pencil who scrawls your order on a green white guest check, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is the only coffee I like. Starbucks can suck a big bag of dicks as far as I’m concerned. And while Lady E buys Dunkin’ Donuts coffee to brew at home sometimes, nothing compares to having it in the store.

Put some coffee in yo’ face.

And considering how little effect caffeine has on me, I don’t need to bother with the daily mainline of the only legal stimulant. So that leaves coffee only as a flavor, and call me childish if you must, but I’d rather drink Gatorade in the morning. So once again, an annual trip to the Dunkin’ is just about perfect.

With an awesome selection of outstanding donuts, a great cup of coffee, and a once-a-year trip to greet you on vacation, Dunkin’ Donuts is most definitely a thing we love. And considering once you’re in there, one donut always leads to two, two often leads to three, three leads to ruining your dinner, Dunkin’ Donuts is best experienced like Christmas – once a year, only in the company of close friends and family, and with tales to be told all year ‘round.

So enjoy your donuts, tip a cup of coffee, and revel in your yearly trip to Dunkin’ Donuts. You earned it.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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