Cru Jones Society

 

Whattup? Whattup? Welcome back to Happy Friday, players and player haters alike. The kids still say that, right? We don’t know because we’ve been working our dumbass big kid jobs, going to school, planning weddings, trying to buy houses, quitting alcohol during the work week, waking up at 6 goddamn o’clock in the morning to exercise, and doing all sorts of other nonsense that we used to make fun of in college.

So, to combat all this annoying grownupness, we’ve got a spectacular collection of juvenile bullshit wrapped in a tasty jalapeno cheddar tortilla for your Friday consumption (tortilla not available on all web browsers). So kick back, grab your favorite salted cured meat product, take a bracing shot of absinthe, and jump headfirst into this invigorating pool of time-wasting refreshment.

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We’ll start with this week’s CJS Required Viewing. After all, reading is for the gays and the French, so it’s video time, baby! If you haven’t seen the video of Jimmy Fallon interviewing Zack Morris on Late Night, go now, we’ll wait.

It’s right here.

Seriously, go now.

This is without question one of the five greatest things to happen in television this decade, and possibly ever. We were unable to decide what our favorite part of this interview was, so we just listed them all (if you haven’t watched this clip, skip to the next section. You need to see this clip going in cold):

1) Zack Morris claiming that he changed his name to Mark-Paul Gosselaar because there was already a Zack Morris in SAG.

2) Zack saying he grew up in Indiana where after middle school he moved to California with his two friends and his principal.

3) Having a geekgasm listening to Jimmy Fallon ask Zack a bunch of Saved by the Bell trivia questions and referring to Stansbury as “the Harvard of the West.”

4) Zack calling timeout on Jimmy, the Late Show announcer, and The Roots and seeing them all freeze. Naturally Fallon almost ruined it by laughing.

5) The dropdown Kelly Kapowski, mentions of slimeball Jeff from The Max, The Attic, and Johnny Dakota.

6) The reappearance of the Zack Morris phone.

And finally…

7) As fun as it was to hear Zack Attack blockbuster “Friends Forever” again, its absurd falsetto chorus got stuck in our heads for three days, making it semi-annoying. No, we were much more giddy watching Questlove drum along half-irritated knowing that while he’s one of the most well-regarded, respected, and influential hip hop drummers ever, he’s currently stuck playing a shitty fictitious pop candy song with the star of a campy kids’ show that was popular 15 years ago. Words cannot express how great his face was during this and I imagine he’s on the phone firing his agent as we speak.

There is too much to love about this clip and we’ve already watched it somewhere between 5 and 20 times in the last three days with designs on hitting triple digits this weekend. If you ever loved Saved by the Bell, do yourself a favor and watch this clip. Then do it again. You’ll be smiling for days.

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More viewing fun for your Friday at work… Bret Michaels and Poison played at the Tony Awards last week. Why, we’re not sure, since the Tonys are usually reserved for, y’know, good music and all. Whatever the case, he crashed into a piece of the set and wrecked his face. What the live viewers didn’t get, however, was the proper way to play him off. So, take it away, Keyboard Cat!

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We once saw Dane Cook throw out the first pitch at Fenway park, and that dork skipped it to the plate. He left to a resounding chorus of boos (deservedly so), but was not immortalized on Page 2′s collection of goofy first pitches. We enjoyed this but wondered why so many of them occurred at Wrigley Field. Maybe the Cubs were scouting new talent and thought Mr. T could be the much needed long man out of the bullpen. Ba-dum-ching!

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Two from Amelie Gillette and The Hater at the AV Club:

1) With a lot of people out of work and looking for positive ways to view their unemployed status, naturally the LA Times came up with the asinine term “funemployment” asserting essentially, in Gillette’s words, that ” being unencumbered, excuse me, funencumbered by things like financial need, dependants, worries about the future, and responsibility can be enjoyable.” Get the fuck outta here! Who would have ever thought that trust fund kids without a job would be having such a good time during the recession? This is why The Hater’s here – to skewer ridiculous bullshit when you don’t have the time. Thanks, Amelie!

2) The other reason The Hater’s here? To take John Stamos down a peg or two and stomp on his idiotic dreams. Case in point: Stamos has designs on making a Full House movie with a whole new cast. And get this, he thinks Steve Carell should be Danny Tanner, James Franco as Jesse Katsopolis (Have mercy!) and Tracy Morgan as Joey Gladstone. What’s he trying to do here? Make the show good? That wouldn’t be the proper way to pay tribute to such a saccharine, cheeseball exercise in cute wordplay and adorable overload, now would it? Thankfully, Gillette has written the entire script right here. I’d watch that movie as written if only to see Tracy Morgan call Danny “Liz Lemon” in every scene.

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As much fun as it is to make fun of Full House – it’s as Maverick and Goose would say, a “target rich environment” for ridicule – even CJS is not immune to waking up hungover on a weekend and pounding out a couple episodes on ABC Family while we find our way back to feeling like a human. We’re not happy about that, but c’mon, its predictability slowly nurses your brain back to lucidity, and the warm fatherly messages at the end wash away the toxic Jager residue soaking every pore of your liver. We don’t necessarily feel good about ourselves while doing this, but we’re usually alone, and the cat isn’t going to judge us (he eats his own vomit if given the chance), so whatever.

But that reminds us: What movie or television show is a guilty pleasure for you? There’s got to be something you don’t cop to right away, so get over yourself, and cop to it in an email to staff@crujonessociety.com. We’ll compare notes on Monday.

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Last week we encouraged you to watch the Urijah Faber/Mike Brown fight on Versus Sunday night. We’re hoping you did because it was a fantastic fight that only paled in comparison to Jose Aldo discombobulating Cub Swanson with a pair of knees to the head. Dave Meltzer (the second best MMA columnist alive today behind only Kevin Iole) has the fallout right here. Faber put up a valiant fight after breaking his hand in the opening round. He was limited to throwing elbows and kicks, and damn near finished the fight with a crazy version of the guillotine, but his hand restricted him too much. He recently had surgery, and here’s a picture we got from Twitter of Urijah on his way to the operating room.

He’s wearing a shower cap, a hospital gown, has bruises on his eye, his hand all wrapped up the size of a kindergartner’s mitten, and he’s still better-looking than us. Does this dude ever stop smiling? More importantly, do you think he’d go out with us…

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Prepare for massive geekgasm #2… Futurama is coming back on Comedy Central with 13 new episodes in 2010! Depending on what time of day it is, we’ll make an argument calling Futurama superior to The Simpsons. That’s not to diminish the brilliance of The Simpsons (or at least the first 10 or so seasons), that’s to elevate the sheer transcendent hilarity of Futurama. No matter where you fall on the argument – Simpsons superior/Futurama domination – you’ve got to be stoked it’s coming back. We are. In fact, we’re so stoked we think you should buy some CJS merchandise!

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In news we don’t give a shit about, and with time and proper cultural evolution we hope society won’t either, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is gay. We’d make a joke about his guy-liner, but we can’t find the energy to care about anything American Idol related. Write your own joke. We’ll get you started:

“Hey, have you heard this guy Adam Lambert is gay? Well, with that guy-liner, we’re not surprised. I’ll bet on weekends, he _____________________”

You’re welcome. Have fun.

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Do you ever wonder about hip hop lyrics? We know we do when we hear Dr. Dre sing, “Still rock my khakis with a cuff and crease.” Really? Who the hell cares, Dre? You spent the previous verse reassuring your enemies that you still had a battalion of guns at your disposal, and now you’re offering your preferred style of chino? That is sooooo gangsta.

Thankfully Snacks and Shit is here with a daily dose of ghetto absurdity for your cracker ass to make fun of behind the safety of internet anonymity. Thanks to CJS Regulars Lady E, Ferris and Dollar for this one. Two samples to get you started since you likely don’t want to access a URL with the word “shit” in the title from work:

“I never sleep, ’cause sleep is the cousin of death.”

- Nas, N.Y. State of Mind

This is so incorrect, and a complete lie. Bottom line is… you sleep.

Filed under: Not a saying / trying to make up a saying / not healthy

“Man, her head was gooder than a music.”

- Common, I Poke Her Face

Man, this might be the single worst sentence I’ve ever heard someone say, and it mostly just made me sad.

Filed under: Worst comparison ever / Extreme English failure

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Here’s another URL you probably won’t want to access from work: Fuck You, Penguin. Since we’ve established CJS Regular Salwon as just as fucked up as Dagger, it should come as no surprise that he recommended this delightful blog filled with pictures of cute animals captioned with vitriolic invective. It’s perverse entertainment at its finest.

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Last time bitching about this here, in public, one-on-one, or anywhere else, I swear: Dos Equis runs a series of awesome commercials in late 2007 and early 2008 featuring “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” The ads stop by that summer. I dress up as this guy in October of 2008 for Halloween and no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about. The NBA playoffs roll around, and this guy is fucking everywhere again. Goddammit.

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And as long as we’re talking about timing, we chastised Esquire last week for their late blog entry about Prom. Well, make room at the Tardy Thomas Table (what the fuck?), Esquire, because Mental Floss is right there with you. Are we missing something here? Is it East Coast bias? Do proms happen later in the year out East? What’s the story here? Am I retarded? As I’m writing this, I remember that not four goddamn days ago I wrote about some Icy Hot Stuntaz-looking motherfuckers renting tuxes in New Jersey where I picked mine up for Salwon’s wedding. I am retarded. But whatever, man. Fuck the East Coast. We do things first and we do things better. Word.

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JD Salinger, the brilliant but reclusive author of The Catcher in the Rye, has come out of hiding finally to gush over Terminator: Salvation.  While we don’t share his enthusiasm for the new movie, we’d be interested to see how McG handles “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” or reading Salinger’s many works of Terminator fan fiction.

Actually, if any of that were true, we might just kill ourselves because there is clearly no hope for humanity, even the best and brightest among us.

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As part of “the NFL’s ever-increasing need to raise more revenue” teams will now begin selling ad space on their practice jerseys.

All right, first of all, the NFL’s ever-increasing need to raise more revenue? What is this, Chrysler? Last time I looked the NFL was only the most popular sport in America with impressive profit margins and still not yet at its popularity peak.

Secondly, American football now resembles European football. Those guys have been wearing ads on their jerseys since, fuck if I care, we’re talking about soccer here. The point is, we’re emulating Europe. Does anyone want that?

Thirdly, the spokesman for the NFL quoting Allen Iverson? Well, ok, we liked that.

Fourth, who would have ever thought BASEketball would have become like the Silent Spring of the sports world? Teams changing cities, raging ridiculous free agency, and bizarre corporate sponsorship – remember the Winter’s Morn Douche Most Valuable Player award in the movie? – It’s not bad enough our fair stadium is named after mutual funds that no longer exist, our team will now sport some dorky corporate logo too. Great.

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And finally, Leonard Pierce is a writer for the AV Club. Perhaps we’ve plugged them before, we can’t be sure. Anyway, he tried out for “Jeopardy!” and goddammit, he got a call from them and auditioned in person.

Part of us always hates reading things like this because they completely demystify something we’ve built up in our heads to be secretive, awesome, and elite. We picture uneasy contestants wandering through secret underground tunnels to a central hall of knowledge or something where they’ll undergo further tests to determine eligibility. We picture the tryout process being sort of like the first half hour of Men In Black only with tragically less Will Smith. However, like most television shows, the process for this one involves a bunch of bored production assistants, a group of uptight nerds hoping to impress someone, and a hotel conference room.

Regardless of the destruction of our whimsical, child-like dreams, we still found this piece enormously entertaining.

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Honestly, we had another link here but started absent-mindedly surfing and came across this:

And so, that’s Friday, kids!                                                                

See you next week.

edagger@crujonessociety.com