Cru Jones Society

I spent this past Friday getting pissed drunk while wearing goofy golfing attire; mainly Plaid shorts and a lot of argyle. More on that next week though. But drinking with a bunch of people wearing more or less the same thing got me to thinking about the college staple: Theme Parties. There are times when getting together to drink just isn’t good enough for some people. They require extra work and added hassle to their alcohol consumption. While my alcoholism doesn’t care what I’m wearing as long as something cold and tasty is sliding down my gullet, I enjoy the occasional theme party, if the theme feels more original. So find a DD, put on your fancy hats, and let’s (theme) party down.

I decided it would be best if I broke this up into two categories. The first is theme parties that have been played out more than Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive. The second part is about a few theme parties I really enjoyed. But to start it off I gave a couple ideas for theme parties I, or someone I know has had that never came to be.

Bar Mitzvah

I discussed this idea one time with CJS regular Tron. It would involve yarmulkes, Halva Nagila, and that awesome chair ride. It is probably for the best this idea never saw the light of day. I am sure we would have offended, well, everyone. And that chair ride would also include an ambulance ride. Think about it, a bunch of drunk, college kids carrying another kid on a chair, that has disaster written all over it. Hell, I have been told I fell off a stationary chair many a times while drunk.

Jersey Party

Dagger told me about this one. I don’t know if it was an idea he had or a party he was going to. I often tune him out when he talks. Anyway, this party involves wearing a sports jersey. It is a real simple party. Considering Dagger and I lived together and considered jerseys acceptable fashion if we weren’t leaving the house, we may have had this party, just the two of us. Great success!

As I wrote “Jersey Party,” it occurred to me that could be a party where every one comes dressed like a Jersey guido or guidette. Wife beaters, fake tans, tacky jewelry, lip gloss, overly gelled and spiked hair; walking around like, “Girl, I love, but I will mess your face up.” The girls walk in with their big hair, big nails, acid-washed jeans, and low self esteem. I think I need to take Oxy Clean to my entire body just for thinking about that.

Now we move on to the theme parties that need to lay dormant for a while. Just until everyone forgets about them, maybe even think they’re dead. Then one day, many years from now, they rise from the ashes like a Phoenix and strike down with great vengeance and furious anger, leaving all who attended vowing to never drink again, and actually following through on the promise.

80′s Night

What It Is: Celebrating a decade that managed to give us incredible movies, but less than stellar music. And how do we commemorate a decade when most of us were but wee children who were upset that barn yard animals were interrupting our Garfield cartoon? By dressing in day glow, slap bracelets, or what ever we can steal from the costume department for The Wedding Singer; using ill conceived slang like gnarly, cowabunga, and bag your face; and listening to Bon Jovi, power ballads, and mall rock.

Why It Needs To Stop: Why are we so obsessed with this decade? Other than the birth of me, and the release of some of the best movies ever to pleasure my eyeballs, this decade has nothing good to offer. There are about five different 80′s outfits that exist, and we have seen them all already. And with the help of numerous websites selling t-shirts baring pop culture images from the 80′s, the costumes have become passé. And for the love of everything holy, how many fucking times do I have to be subjected to Livin’ on a Prayer? Why are there warnings and litigation to keep us from seeing inappropriate images, but nothing is being done to stop this song?

The Luau

What It Is: A night filled with Hawaiian shirts, Jimmy Buffet doing something that people think passes as music, and drinks so fruity you understand why “fruity” is an epithet for homosexuals. As the night continues it begins to fill with a few different things like some brightly colored vomit, a diabetic induced coma, and one of the worst possible hangovers known to man.

Why It Needs To Stop: Aside from those last few things listed, the Luau praises Jimmy Buffet a little too much. I would rather listen to Bon Jovi than Buffet. Jimmy Buffet is not the end all be all of summer time music. Find something else! On top of this, these parties never seem to have enough beer; it’s all margaritas, daiquiris, or pina coladas. These drinks are fine, if you’re having one or two, but if that’s all that is offered, then you’re S.O.L. I don’t want to drink alcohol through nine pounds of sugar, that’s what my breakfast cereal is for.

I am starting to get too riled up. Before I send my blood pressure through the roof and my doctor scolds me, I think it is time to move on to the two best theme parties I have been to.

Heaven N’ Hell

What It Is: You come to the party dressed to represent either heaven or hell. This is your own personal interpretation of what constitutes heaven and hell. To represent hell you may look to Dave Grohl in a Tenacious D video for inspiration, or recall the day you had to go to the DMV. Maybe to you heaven can be represented by wearing blue sheet with clouds on it, glitter and white hair; or maybe it’s a grown man in jeans and a shirt bought in the boys department accented by pink angel wings. There is a wide variety of options here, unlike 80′s night.

Why It Was Awesome: If for no other reason, it was awesome because CJS regular Tron was the man in the tight jeans and shirt with the awesome pink angel wings. He wore the costume with such confidence and authority he made it work. Aside from the one picture from the party I have hanging above my computer; Tron’s is the only costume I can remember. But I know we had fun, and it was one of the few times the costumes weren’t annoying.

Communist Party

What It Is: If I can toot my own horn here (might as well, nobody else will toot it) this was a brainchild of mine. I had it the same time I had the Bar Mitzvah idea, and two years later I made it happen. There are two simple rules: You have to wear red or pink and you have to bring beer to share with the common wealth. It’s another one of those theme parties that doesn’t require a lot.

Why It Was Awesome: First and for most, if you are the one throwing this party, you end up with a shit ton of extra beer. You can make yourself and a buddy the KGB and make those who didn’t follow the dress requirements take a shot. And again it is a theme party that doesn’t require a lot of effort. And really is there any better way to celebrate capitalism?

Now it’s time to throw on the theme appropriate hat, grab some buddies, and remember you don’t any reason other than you like it, to drink.

Cheers, comrade!

See ya in AA…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com