We know who Britney would go gay for.

Monday’s here, so let’s go to the Confessional. This week we asked you in honor of PrideFest: Who would you go gay for and why? This question usually comes up after several beers, so we hope those of you who sent in were good and liquored up before you sent in your responses. For those of you who didn’t, the Cru Jones Society advises you to drink more. Not only do you get to participate in fun ass ridiculous shit like this, it certainly beats the alternative: Not drinking. Stay tuned at the end for next week’s Confessional topic.

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“What’s a Nubian? Wanna find out?”

Lee S. Hart: I have a way of always managing to appear more than gay I am. This question is no exception, as I have a list of three guys I would go gay for. I made sure to cover all the bases. I have an athlete, a musician, and an actor.

For my athlete I have to go with a European. Everyone loves those sexy Europeans, especially when they are from former Soviet states. So first on the list is Czech born hockey player Milan Hejduk. When I hear him talk in his broken English, he is very quiet and soft spoken, yet he’s got the toughness required to be an NHL all star. He offers a sense of protection but at the same time there’s abundant sensitivity.

The musician on my list is Greg Attonito, lead singer of the Bouncing Souls. Greg is a punk rocker. He’s not the big mohawk, spikes, and leather jacket punker, but he embraces the lifestyle. The Bouncing Souls write so many great songs about love and friendship, there is the idea the relationship will last and be strong. Also judging from their music, there is the idea it would be a lot of fun. I also think it is important to have an artist on the list.

The final person on my list is Jason Lee. At least Jason Lee pre-Underdog or Alvin and the Chipmunks. Honestly I think I’d rather go gay for Banky Edwards than for Jason Lee himself. He rocks that beard so well. He’s funny and I think it would be another relationship that would be fun. This was first person I considered going gay for, but as the years have brought change, like the movies listed above and “My Name Is Earl”, I find myself less and less gay for him.

“You can’t make me see what you want me to know, E Dagger!”

E Dagger: My answer has not changed since I answered this question in college. In fact, I have become even more assured of my selection as I’ve gotten older, more mature, more boring, and less on the outskirts of mainstream society. So, as I slowly but surely turn into a bigger and bigger square in my adult life, I need someone who will just rock my boxers off and give me some subversive love. For this reason, I would happily and energetically go gay for Jason Cruz, lead singer of Strung Out.

I think tattoos are largely a douche bag pursuit. There are plenty of good reasons to get them and if you have a couple, no big deal. Some people signify important events and people in their lives with body ink, I’m not one of those people, but abstractly I more or less get it. However in my experience, if you’ve substantially covered yourself permanently in someone else’s art, you’re usually compensating for a lack of actual personality. With that said, tattoos are often just plain pretty to look at, and the sleeves of ink covering Jason Cruz’s arms make for excellent eye candy. And the fact that I’d never do that to myself makes the forbidden allure of stealing away with a countercultural stud like Jason Cruz that much more appealing.

Strung Out isn’t my favorite band (they’re up there though), but I do think they’re the coolest band I like. They look cool, they play cool, and seem cool. Their straight ahead punk aesthetic is undercut by a sweet sensitivity which strikes me as the perfect balance for my choice of a gay affair. And like they say in their song “Matchbook:” Don’t look back in anger now is all that you can see / cause anger’s all I got to keep me warm when you’re away / and I know that this is nothing new / but tonight it’s all I know / disconnect myself from your memory / and never feel anything at all.

I won’t be angry, Jason. I won’t be angry.

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And now it’s our readers’ turn. We had hoped to get a big response for this one so that we’d have a nice little database of people that celebrities might someday stumble across and ponder over why their name is on the same list as hockey star Milan Hejduk and cute actress Ginnifer Goodwin wondering who these weird fucking people are. However, our dreams will not be realized this week and we’ll have to leave freaking out random celebrities for another time. Here are the responses we did get.

“I see you lookin’ my way, Lady E. And I like what I see.”

Lady E: I am sooo sick of women saying that they would go gay for Angelina Jolie! God, her and all those kids and Brad Pitt? Do you think she would stoop to your level!? NO!

The one actress I would totally stray away from my straight ways for is Ginnifer Goodwin. She is beautiful, the girl next door and totally my type of lady!

“Back at ya’, Augie.”

Augie.Maestas: Well, this is a tough question, as gayness never came up in my mind. However, I do know that most people will pick NPH because he is a pimp and even though he is gay, he can still pick up more women than anyone I know, I am going to say someone else. This person knows I like him, he knows I want to have his babies, I talk to him whenever I get a chance….Ryan Spilly [Spilborghs]. You all know why!!

“Oh, I seem to have forgotten my shirt. Hope this towel doesn’t slip…”

Deuce: The one man who I think could transport me from Mars to Venus would be Hugh Jackman. I mean, come on, he’s a hottie. He is obviously rugged as we know from certain X-men movies, but he also has a softer and emotional side that we see in such movies as The Prestige and Kate and Leopold. Moreover, in the times I have seen him in interviews and television pieces he seems to be a family oriented guy, which I like too. Plus he seems like the kind of guy who would be a cuddler behind closed doors.  And who can resist that Australian accent? Not me. 

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Deuce’s answer was definitely our favorite this week. The visual image of one our readers snuggling affectionately with Wolverine was just too much to take, and beer almost shot out our nose (the very goal of this site). Thanks for sending in, Deuce. You too could be responsible for CJS authors and readers to laugh out loud and disturb their cubicle mate, all you have to do is send in.

This week’s question: If you’re American, how do you not love 4th of July? As we’re sure you’re aware, it’s coming up on Saturday. So, without getting too politically loaded here: Tell us a reason you’re happy to live in America. We want you to go beyond the standard Lee Greenwood response of “because at least I know I’m free” or some such shit, give us something a little deeper and more specific. To celebrate our country’s independence, we hope to have a good collection of reasons for next week, so send ‘em in.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Hart & Dagger

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