Cru Jones Society

 

Come one, come all to the CJS Circus of Friday Fun! In today’s edition, we’ve got the amazing MLB batting stance impersonator! In the ring to our right we’ve got all the people bringing the beautiful world of baseball from the steroid freaks on the field to the indestructible man selling peanuts in the stands to the beautiful sideline reporter bringing you all the news outside the broadcast booth! In the ring to our left is the incredible screwing seal, a kid who brilliantly plays Johnny Cash, and the WEEECKID Clowns themselves! Stick around because later we’ve got college kids in their underwear, DJ heroes, and the ultimate heavyweight fighter who can’t be beat, but is unable to recognize a good deal when he sees it! Step right up, join the CJS Circus of Friday Fun, and let’s get to this week’s links!

*** 

Our favorite link of the week actually came last Friday, so we’ve been sitting on this treasure trove of goodness and fun for longer than we’d have liked. Now we know how Jennifer Aniston feels everyday she doesn’t get laid.

Thank you! Thank you! We’ll be here all week!

Seriously though, in last Friday’s Denver Post, Benjamin Hochman wrote a piece about Gar Ryness, “The Batting Stance Guy.” How we’d never heard of him until last Friday still confounds us, but in case you’re late to the party like us, The Batting Stance Guy imitates hundreds of batting stances from players both well-known and obscure, from past and present. After plowing through the article, I immediately jumped over to YouTube to test this guy’s ability for myself.

After typing in “batting stances: rockies” into the search bar and seeing him flawlessly mimic the mannerisms, sneer, and quirks of everyone from Todd Helton to Dante Bichette to Neifi Perez to Larry Walker striking out at the All-Star Game against Randy Johnson, I cashed in my chips and bid adieu to the remainder of the afternoon because I knew I wasn’t pulling myself away from this. I even bought tickets to that night’s Rockies game because I read that he’d be there. He didn’t disappoint, although the idiot fan guessing the stances sure did when he couldn’t decipher Dante Bichette, only one of the easiest stances to recognize in Rockies history.

Anyway, first up that afternoon was the Cubs, then the A’s, then everyone else all the way down to the miserable Pirates. He also does movies, and given the bent of our Summer Homestand series and the absolute shitpot of baseball movies Hart and I have watched this last month alone, I found these particularly great. Here’s Volume 1. And here’s Volume 2.

The Batting Stance Guy is one of those rare folks that can hijack your entire afternoon, and for that we thank him. He’s embodies one of the very reasons we created Happy Friday in the first place.

***

As you’ve probably heard, Manny Ramirez and Big Papi David Ortiz were among the 104 major league players listed as having tested positive for performance-enhancing substances in 2003, lawyers with knowledge of the results told The New York Times.

This is what we wrote about it on Twitter yesterday: Manny and Papi tested positive for steroids in ’03. Wanna see how much CJS cares? This is our caring face.

Seriously, until someone we really admire like Todd Helton, Ryne Sandberg, Greg Maddux, or Kirby Puckett admits to having used steroids or gets linked to them illegally by opportunistic, publicity-hungry lawyers, we will continue not to give a shit. Because a) We like to think and we hope that our favorite players have a modicum of integrity and haven’t had weird spikes in production during the Steroids Era, and b) After hearing so many players brought down since Rafael Palmeiro wagged his finger at Congress in ’05, you sort of become numb to it after a while. They could tell us that anyone from Jeff Bagwell on down to Hipolito Pichardo, the Phillie Phanatic, or Dinger was on the juice, and we’d probably only respond with a disinterested shrug.

***

That also reminds us: If you’re not already doing so, please follow us on Twitter. The username is simple; it’s @CruJonesSociety, and you can find our homepage right here.

***

A group of folks who could probably use a few injections between the toes (Miggy Tejada told me it was a B12 shot!) is the vendors at the ballpark. Hauling cumbersome trays of shit up and down hundreds of flights of stairs in the oppressive heat of the dead of summer while fans yell at you to “get out of the fucking way” sounds physically and emotionally exhausting.

And it is. Jack McCluskey, who’s been a vendor at Fenway since 2002 gives us an inside look at the life of a vendor. We would argue that there are few things as fascinating as listening to someone who has an unusual job talk about the ins and outs of that job, and to that end, McCluskey delivers the goods. All the good, all the bad, and all the bizarre are on display here. Very well done.

***

Since we’re on something of a baseball jaunt, CJS would like to offer a kind word about Alanna Rizzo. She’s the Rockies’ sideline reporter on Fox Sports Rocky Mountain and co-host of Rockies All Access, one of our favorite shows. She’s got an easy chemistry with co-host Oren Lomena and a friendly demeanor. She was recently profiled in the Denver Post by journalism legend Dusty Saunders.

Unlike many sideline reporters, Alanna always has something interesting to say and a new angle on a familiar topic. She’s rare in that she doesn’t detract from a broadcast (like, say, Tony Siragusa’s obnoxious bloviatings on Fox NFL Sunday), and isn’t afraid to speak up on controversial topics. Kudos to Alanna Rizzo, and keep up the good work.

***

As is his custom, CJS Regular Flickerbock would like to remind all of you that Cub fans are stupid. Thanks, Flickerbock. We hadn’t heard that yet from you today. Although we’ll admit it is hilarious seeing this dipshit failing to grasp the full utility of his hat, Cub fan or no.

***

One last quasi-baseball related article, and then we’ll move on to other topics. Last week in our Summer Homestand series, I wrote a review of The Natural. That article was then linked to by a site called Only Good Movies which seeks to provide its audience with “honest movie reviews that lack the buzz words and promotional jargon used by critics more interested in marketing a movie than providing you with a thorough and detailed synopsis.”

In addition to a cavalcade of movie reviews, Only Good Movies writes lengthy feature articles on topics ranging from “The 10 Best Movie Roles for Professional Wrestlers” to megalist “Top 100 Movie Heroes” which featured a link to our article. We found it funny that despite me basically shitting on all the cloying, ham-handed reverential bullshit of The Natural, we were still linked in an article about the top movie heroes. Ironic? We’re not really sure, but we appreciate the plug regardless. Now get on over to Only Good Movies and check it out.

***

In other athlete news, a sea lion from California named Mike “has died of exhaustion after over-exerting himself during the mating season in an animal park in Nuremberg, Germany.” God bless ya, Mike. You’ve died the exact way we want to go out – lacking food, dehydrated, surrounded by a harem of hot, willing chicks, giving everything we’ve got just to bust off one last nut. Godspeed, you magnificent bastard. Godspeed.

***

If in the course of that marathon bone session leading to our ultimate demise, we fathered a few children, we could only hope they’d be one-tenth as cool as this kid. When we were five years old, we can’t even remember what we were doing – probably playing with He-Man figures or coloring in our Barbie and the Rockers coloring book or some such shit – but we know we weren’t wearing a Who t-shirt and singing unassailably cool Johnny Cash songs in front of an audience, that’s for sure.

***

While not quite as cool as that video above, here’s another acoustic guitar performance we really liked this week. Hot Hot Heat has one of those lead singers that when you listen to his voice, you picture what he looks like; and then you see him for the first time, he’s somehow exactly and perfectly the opposite of what you pictured. This has happened to me more times than I can count, by the way. “Middle of Nowhere” is sort of Lady E’s and my unofficial song, so take that for what you will. I think the acoustic version linked above has something of an aching beauty to it, and while “aching beauty” usually ranks near the bottom with “smells like banana” in terms of qualities my favorite things have, this performance is an exception.

Which reminds me, although none of Hot Hot Heat’s albums are on my list, maybe they’re on yours. What list, you ask? Why the “If you were trapped on a desert island and could only bring 5 albums with you, which 5 do you choose and why?” list. That’s the topic of this week’s Confessional, so make sure to get your responses in by high noon on Sunday. Send them to staff@crujonessociety.com. As always, 1^st timers, repeat sinners, and any bums off the highway are welcome.

***

As I’m sure you all remember from my needling of that idiot I used to work with’s description of Ninjas, Juggalos, and WEEECKID Clowns, I think the Insane Clown Posse is a fucking joke act that makes shitty, juvenile, moronic music catering to even shittier, more juvenile, and more moronic fans. So, how is it I desperately want to attend the 2009 Gathering of the Juggalos?  Right, it’s probably that Westword article I read that gave a rundown of some of the activities there including helicopter rides, wet t-shirt contests, bounce castles, stand up from none other than “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, performances by Gwar, Ice Cube, Coolio, and Vanilla Ice, the admittedly hilarious Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, and all the face paint you could ever want? Am I alone in thinking this looks like ridiculous fun? Please tell me I’m not alone.

***

More from the Westword as blogger Joe Tone classifies Denver as “The manliest, drunkest, business-iest, happiest, safe-sex-having-ist city in America” based on Denver’s appearance on every inane list magazines cook up when they’re short on content. Tone does a nice job skewering these ridiculous proclamations of magazines like Forbes proclaiming Denver the 13^th best city for singles based on specious research and the opinions of a bunch of nebbish magazine writers.

***

HBO is the gayest network!

Wait, that’s not exactly quite right. Let’s try that again.

HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season, according to a report released Monday. The article on 9News goes on to say that, “Of HBO’s 14 original prime-time series, 10 included content reflecting the lives of gay, bisexual and transgender people. That totaled 42 percent of the network’s programming hours, in series such as “True Blood,” “Entourage” and “The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency.”

This is well and good, and I’m pleased that networks continue to include a multitude of viewpoints and experiences into their programming. In fact, I agree with Rashad Robinson of GLAAD when he says, “Television shows that weave our stories into the fabric of the series present richer, more diverse representations.”

What bothers me is when these numbers are turned around and used to attack networks for lagging behind the other networks, which seems to happen more often that it logically should. According to the CDC, about 4% of US men and women identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual (with that number possibly jumping to 10% when accounting for those who declined to answer or marked “other”), which is below the representation shown by either NBC or CBS at 8% and 5% respectively. I’m not saying we need to eliminate gay characters to accommodate for the numbers, but when every network has programming reflecting viewer experiences above the percentage of the population actually having those experiences, our society seems to be in better shape than we may have thought.

***

If all that gay talk has got you thinking about college kids in their underwear, you’re in luck because, as if touched by the hand of God himself, that’s our next link. What are the fucking odds?

Sadly, it’s not a happy link as UCLA has cancelled its annual Undie Run during finals week “due to increased boozy half-naked fights breaking out.” Naturally there’s always some group of jerks that just has to take a cool, fun event like this and screw it up for everyone with drunk, half-naked non-play fighting. The saddest part is pointed out by Deadspin commenter Zetes: “Little known fact: A boner is the quickest way to both start and end a half-naked boozy fight.”

Why didn’t anyone think of that before they up and cancelled the thing?

***

With my birthday coming up, taking into consideration just how much grown-up shit we have to do between now and October, Lady E has instituted a policy of only giving me fun, completely useless stuff this year as gifts. So I’ve given her a few ideas ranging from DVDs about Bret Hart or “Macho Man” Randy Savage to action figures, to possibly even just a “Who Dat Ninja?” refrigerator magnet with a pair of Jeff Spicoli shoes.

But mostly I just want Guitar Hero: World Tour. I miss Guitar Hero and I can’t play fucking “Talk Dirty to Me” or any of the other tracks anymore. Why am I telling you this? Because faster than you can say, “We need to expand this brand, motherfucker!” Activision has introduced the world to DJ Hero. Considering I have no rhythm whatsoever and my skill at Guitar Hero is attributed entirely to my video game abilities rather than any sense of musicality, my chances for success at DJ Hero are infinitesimal at best. And mostly, I don’t even like most rap music, so there.

But for all of you who do, new info on Eminem and Jay-Z’s participation in the game was released earlier this week. If I were in college, this would likely be one of those games I like to watch someone else play rather than ever play it myself. I experienced basically all of Metroid: Prime that way and found the experience bizarrely rewarding and fun.

***

Wrapping things up, let’s talk about the biggest dunderhead out there in the MMA world right now. But before we get to him, a little background:

Two years ago douche bag t-shirt company Affliction announced they’d start promoting their own fights and wildly overpaid for every available heavyweight out there. Among them was Fedor Emelianenko, widely considered to be the best heavyweight in the world, and one of the (at absolute worst) top 4 pound-for-pound fighters. He quickly won their Heavyweight Title after quickly destroying giant, lumpy, tomato can Tim Sylvia. Fast forward a few months and Fedor knocks out Andrei Arlovski in the first round too. A few months later and Fedor is slated to fight Josh Barnett, probably the world’s #2 heavyweight in a highly anticipated match.

Well, Barnett makes like Manny Ramirez and tests positive for steroids while attempting to secure his license for the fight, Affliction can’t find a replacement in time, closes up shop, and returns to promoting t-shirts on UFC broadcasts. By the way, that all happened in like 4 days. So now, UFC has reached out to a number of Affliction’s former fighters and made offers. The biggest prize is of course Fedor, who is universally regarded as the best fighter not in the UFC family. Earlier this week, we read that a deal between UFC and Fedor would be announced Friday. Fuckin’ great, right? We’ll get to see how good Brock Lesnar really is against the toughest opponent not only he’s ever faced, but the toughest opponent anyone could ever face.

Not so fast, bub. Yesterday, we read this. Despite receiving the richest offer in MMA history, well above what Fedor is worth in terms of proven drawing power, he and his dickhead agent Vadim Finkelchtein turned it down. As Cage Potato says, “That’s called ‘hardball,’ people. More accurately, it’s called ‘hardballing your way out of the best offer you will ever receive in your life.’”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. So congratulations Vadim, you’re this week’s biggest hardballing wet fart. You’ve not only denied fight fans an incredible potential fight between Brock and Fedor, but you’ve earned no additional exposure for your two-bit promotion M-1 Global, and you’ve likely said goodbye to the UFC forever. I hope Fedor enjoys being the Satchel Paige of his generation never getting a shot at the mainstream league.

***

Haven’t you spent enough time looking at this side show?

Finish up the day, and let’s reconvene in the Confessional on Monday.

Happy Friday, bitches!

edagger@crujonessociety.com