“Oh no! Not our precious secrets!” 

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge. It’s been a long, long time since we’ve gotten together, and I must say I’ve missed you all. For those of you new to the party, here’s how the Love Lounge works:

Dating/relationship/love advice is shit. All of it. The only piece of advice you ever need to listen to is “Pay attention.” In the 2nd edition of the Love Lounge I wrote this:

“The only advice I’ve found works in every situation is to pay attention. If everyone paid closer attention to the needs, likes, dislikes, and favorite sexual positions of their partners, relationships would either be happier and more fulfilling; or would end much more quickly and with less agony – a more fulfilling ending either way.”

This advice still works and will always work because just like fucking snowflakes, we’re all different. And only by paying attention do we even make a good faith to connect with another person. Yet dating advice continues to spring up all over the web. And that’s why I’m here to help you navigate the sea of idiotic tripe designed to “help” your relationship.

I used to find most of my dating articles on MSN.com. Not sure why, but hardly anyone ever writes there anymore. Found their dating advice chick on Twitter @MSNDating, but in just over a month, she’s only got 73 Tweets including choice gems such as “Anyone have a good first date this weekend? I was @ a wedding – no single guys. Dang. Inspiring though, weddings! Time to update my profile.” Scintillating. And helpful!

In a random time-killing stroll around the web however, I found a site called “Your Tango” which can only be described conceptually as the following: If the infantile buffoons at AskMen.com suddenly died, were brought back to life as women, and founded a lifestyle site somehow even stupider than AskMen.com, they’d have created Your Tango.

Whereas MSN.com’s articles were always just a bit misdirected and had something of a tin ear for the behaviors of the opposite sex, at least their hearts were in the right place. Your Tango seems to allow any uppity cunt with a keyboard to publish whatever recycled ignorant, trite bullshit she wants with no reservations. So our focus for the next couple of weeks will be on them, and all the moronic shit they toss at their readers wholesale by the shovelful each day. Strap in, because it’s time to shred some hopeless pop psychology.

Today’s article is entitled “10 Secrets Men Keep From Women” by a guy calling himself “Joe Rocket” which should immediately warn you for impending encounters with the highest levels of hackery. Okay first, the premise for which this entire article is founded is staler than month old bread. I’m pretty sure the first caveman stand-up comic’s first joke was, “When return from hunt, no want to hear about day spent alone inside cave. Just want sex. But will listen to story about day inside cave to have sex.” Then all the cavemen laughed and beat the shit out of each other with clubs.

Every fucking day someone is exposing “secrets men keep from women” all over the Internet. This has become the dating column equivalent of a “Heading to the gym” Twitter update. Everyone’s exposed all the fucking secrets already, and if any of the reductive, grating bon mots listed below are interesting, surprising, or even remotely relevant to you, kill yourself. So let’s get to it. As always, the real article is transcribed below and my comments are in italics.

10 Secrets Men Keep From Women
OK, enough already. I’m getting annoyed with women writing about what men want from a relationship. In case you haven’t figured it out, women don’t know men any more than men know women, and if we do know each other, then we don’t like the answers.

By Joe Rocket

Yes, men tell women what we think you want to hear because, let’s face it, you’re going to decide if we’re having sex tonight.

Nothing like opening your big expose article with the answer to a strawman question no one asked. It’s like he’s mid-conversation and we get to eavesdrop! Oooooh…

If you ask us to communicate, we think it’s a trap. Women say they want me to be honest, but when men let it rip, women don’t like the answers. As I have no personal attachment to anyone on this site, I’m going to let it rip.

I’m pretty sure he’s alluding to farts with “let it rip” to really play up his masculinity, but who really gives a shit? And if a woman asks you to communicate as a guise for setting a trap for you, dump the bitch right there. It’s just not worth it. Unequivocally, if you are dating someone who plays mind games and sets conversation traps, get out of the relationship as quickly as possible and demand honesty in all future mates. You want no part of this mindfuckery for the rest of your life or even another week. Just trust me. And hey, if we all communicated honestly, there wouldn’t be any need for dumbass columns like this one from Mr. Rocket.

Things men tell their buddies that they don’t tell their wives and girlfriends.

 Getting freaky, wood style.

1. Yes, it’s about sex. Men like sex, men like variety. Men like women that enjoy sex, enjoy variety, and are active partners in sex.

Is this column really happening in 2009 where he writes the above statement un-ironically and expects it to be insightful? Hope this is enlightening for all you ladies out there. Newsflash: Men like sex. In other news, sun to rise in morning. Didn’t we establish this about 100 years ago at least? Isn’t this in the Bible somewhere?

2. A man is less likely to feel romantic if a woman is making his life miserable. If you want to cuddle, don’t start a fight over leaving the toilet seat up or not taking out the garbage.

I gotta ask: Is there a woman out there stupid enough to do this? This seems like fodder for the Bill Engvall Show or something equally as tacky where a bunch of male writers create a female lead so wildly unappealing, everyone has to sympathize with the man because no one knows how to write women characters that actually exist in real life. Of the 5 most reprehensible characters in the history of television, I think 3 of them were on “Everybody Loves Raymond” and behavior similar to above is a huge reason why. Joe Rocket has definitely watched too much television and needs to find women who exist in reality.

3. Men are passionate about the things women hate. In general, when men tell you they don’t like cartoons, stoner movies, action movies, motorcycles, South Park, sports, firearms, the Simpsons, and ESPN, etc. they are lying so that they can have sex with you. 

Read that again: “Men are passionate about the things women hate.” Hey, that’s constructive and not at all generalized. Here’s a tip for Joe: If you find a woman with whom you share interests, you don’t have to lie for sex! But this is good as it gives us a potential title for Joe Rocket’s next book: 99 Thought Balloons: Joe Rocket’s Guide to Lying Your Way Into Her Pants and Lose All Your Self-Respect – A Roadmap to Self-Loathing.

The wanton sex goddess herself 

4. Men don’t like women’s entertainment. I’d rather eat glass than watch Bridget Jones, but I’ve watched it for sex.

Chapter 1: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad Joe Rocket between her thighs (I lied to get here and it was totally worth it!)

5. There’s only 24 hours in a day. Eight hours of sleep, ten hours at work, two hours commute, 90 minutes at the gym, and 90 minutes cooking, eating, and washing up leaves only one hour each day for “us” or “me” time. Keep your expectations reasonable and share.

Wow, two hours commute each way. Maybe don’t live in suburban hell, Joe. Maybe go to the gym during your lunch break. Maybe instead of writing your stupid “Lying to Women for Mediocre Sex” book, you should take a class in effective time management because you seem like a putz beholden to relatively unimportant shit.

6. Women have cold hands, feet, butts, and other body parts. Men are not your personal heaters. Warm them or keep them to yourself.

Every so often the sun shines on a dog’s ass too. Kudos Joe, you got one.

7. A man’s willingness to put up with a women’s [sic] b.s. is directly proportional to how hot they are. Yes, men will kiss a beautiful women’s ass for sex, that doesn’t mean you’re going to get the same treatment.

Up to Joe Rocket’s standards? Who knows…

Translation: Good luck getting any special treatment from the highly sought after Joe Rocket, you uggo. Joe will still lavish you with some of his best lies in exchange for sex, but he’s not going to kiss your ass. He has to draw the line somewhere, and showering you with undue praise doesn’t get its own chapter in the Joe Rocket I Lie Because I Want Your Dugout book series.

8. When women say they want to sit down and talk, men hear “I’m pissed.” You never want to talk about things we like, like sports, so telling us you want to talk sends us the signal that you want to bring up something that’s bothering you. You might fool us once in a while by actually wanting to talk about something the other sex is interested in. Men have to, it’s called dating.

So you see, men do all the compromise in the relationship while women just dictate away like miniature, curvier, less-mustachioed versions of Hitler. Thank God he’s here. One thing he’s right about though is the construction “We need to talk.” That sounds like an after-school special. Instead of melodramatically setting up the conversation, just ask whatever the fuck it is you need to ask point blank. You’ll avoid making his asshole pucker tighter than a snare drum, and he’ll respect you for cutting the bullshit. This is much easier and less tedious in the long run for everyone. Just say what you’re thinking. Trust me.

9. Men hate dating because we have to lie. Lying isn’t fun. We can’t wait to be married so we can really tell you how we feel about Bridget Jones. Unless he’s a jerk, a man’s happiest day is when he no longer has to lie to have sex.

Oh, so Joe isn’t a bad guy after all. He lies because he thinks he has to and can’t wait to get married so he can truly be himself. Well that’s all well and good fuckstick, except the woman you’re set to marry has fallen in love with some douche nozzle you completely fabricated and not the real Joe Rocket who hates Bridget Jones and everything else he professed to love before he locked up this poor girl with a wedding ring. And I’m sure she’ll love getting to know this tool who’s now spent the better part of several years unashamedly lying to her for the sake of her poontang. Good plan, Joe! Any wonder why the divorce rate in this country is so high?

Go ahead and try that, dick cheese.

10.  Working out doesn’t count unless you sweat. We don’t want to hear about how tough your yoga class was if all the girls in class are wearing makeup.

And here’s just one last stereotypically ignorant male “fuck you” to close up shop in the article. Have you ever tried yoga? It’s ridiculously hard and strenuous. Men make fun of this because they don’t understand it and have no desire to try it. Go through one full class, you’ll never poke fun at it again because you’re going to look more foolish than you ever have and will be as sore as you are bench pressing the bar with those 5s on the end, you weak asshole.

But such is the way of crap like this. In lieu of real advice, we get a hearty helping of generalized clichés, blanket assumptions from an asshole about a gender he has made no real effort to understand or relate to, and reductive nonsense that not only doesn’t bridge the gender gap, but serves to widen it even further.

Stick with the CJS. We won’t steer you wrong. The Love Lounge has your back. See you next week.