A bit more than a 3 hour tour… 

The CJS Monday Confessional ends its stay on the desert island this week, and now that you’ve decided what you’ve got your tunes and you’ve got your brews, what’s left? Well, both music and beer are best enjoyed in the company of some friends. So we’ve signed a pact with the devil and promised to kidnap celebrities, yank them out of their homes and jobs and deliver them straight to your island. We asked you to tell us: What 3 famous people would you like to hang out with on your desert island? And you responded below. Staff answers first and regulars follow. You’ll find a brand new question at the bottom. Let’s see who the unlucky stars are who have to leave whatever happiness they have to spend their days on an island with your boring asses.

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E Dagger: My main criteria for answering this question was to consider who I could have the most interesting conversations with. And by interesting, I don’t mean interesting when judged objectively. Some of the most interesting people in history wouldn’t make good island mates and in fact, would probably send you into a murderous rampage after pontificating one too many times about the meaning of life. I find Friedrich Nietzsche fascinating in the abstract, but he’d likely be a moody asshole all the time, and that’s not the guy I want to share my beers with. Same deal for Hemingway whose life is captivating to me, but with all of his depression, general malaise, and raging alcoholism, he’d probably drink all the Amstel and challenge me to wrestle him on the beach with his bare hands. And I’d get my ass kicked because I’m a huge pussy and Hemingway seems like a tough son of a bitch.

Getting back to my original point, by “interesting” I mean someone who has a deep well of pop culture knowledge to draw from, good storytelling ability, and a generally pleasant disposition. Since all the down time on this island will likely involve shooting the shit, I want people who seem to be able to converse on any subject and can make me laugh. That’s why I’ve chosen the following people:

 Oh yes.

1) Tina Fey: Probably the funniest woman on the planet. Even though Baby Mama sucked badly, just about everything else she’s ever written has made me laugh my ass off. She’s very self-effacing, always seems down to earth in every interview she’s done, and as quick-witted as they come. Did I mention she’s great to look at? Tina Fey’s hot in a quirky way, and I think once you got a few beers in her, the top would come off, and things would go from merely awesome to ridiculously super awesome. You can’t tell me you have a better island mate choice. What if she brings the Sarah Palin costume?

2) Patton Oswalt: In the last five years, no comedian has made me laugh harder. His comedy is so razor sharp and so beautifully constructed, it’s not simply funny, it’s a pleasure just to listen to in order to appreciate how brilliantly he’s crafted each joke. I aspire to Patton Oswalt’s level of insight, and that doesn’t make me feel bad because virtually everyone aspires to Patton Oswalt’s level of insight. I could listen to Patton talk all day, and on this island, I’d finally have my chance.

3) Chuck Klosterman: We close up with a writer. While the two above are also writers, Chuck writes books which has always been at least a minor dream of mine. Chuck drives me crazy sometimes with his level of narcissism, but I relate to the way handles his situations and love the vivid detail he provides in each. Plus, he’s one of the only people alive with whom I could critically discuss “Saved  by the Bell” properly. That’d be fun.

Lee S. Hart: So I get to have three people on this island to hang out with, eh? I would want people I could talk to and not grow bored with easily. I would also want more optimistic people. We’re on island with no rescue in sight, I wouldn’t want someone who was always complaining. So after some careful consideration I have chosen the following.

We know. Holy shit!

Alyson Hannigan. First of all she is sexy as hell. Second she seems like a girl who is always down for the sex, and with an abundance of free time on an island that seems like an activity that would happen a lot. Third she seems like a girl who would be a lot of fun to have around. I am basing this idea that she is fun on the movie and television roles she has taken. I don’t know enough about her to know if she is fun or not.

Greg Attonito. This man is the lead singer for the Bouncing Souls. He was also one of the people on my dudes I’d go gay for list, so if things don’t work out between me and Alyson, I may have a chance here. Greg has written some of the best lyrics I have ever heard. I would love to just spend time talking to him and picking his brain. I don’t think the conversation would ever be dull and I think I would gain a lot of insight. Greg has also written a lot of songs about friendship and how important it is. So if I struck up a friendship with him I feel that it would be a really good one and it would be that much easier to survive on the island. And if he happens to sneak his guitar along, then I have more music than just the 5 albums I brought.

Mike Birbiglia. I know maybe I should have another chick on the island for sex, but really one is all I need. Plus another could cause a lot of drama and that is what I don’t need on the island. I chose Birbiglia because I think it would be great to have a standup comedian around. Lighten the situation with jokes and shit. Birbiglia is one of my favorites so why not him? Also he has a condition that causes him to do wacky shit in his sleep, like sleepwalking wackiness. There’s an added element of entertainment right there.

Above all I think these three people would be a lot of fun. I also think they would be down for drinking games, and since there is an unlimited amount of beer, there will be a lot of drinking games going on. This would be the crew I would want to hang out with for an undetermined amount of time..

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Let’s hear from our readers now. To our surprise, many of them took the set-up quite literally and included survivalists as their mates presumably to ensure proper food and shelter on the island. We found this amusing since this is an island with a CD player and an endless supply of beer and now celebrities. We’re pretty sure there won’t be much to worry about, but maybe we’re taking too much for granted. Either way, here’s what our readers had to say. We start with our newest contributor. Please welcome him to the CJS fold.

What’s he doin’?

Student Dr. Awesome: I must say that I thought the third installment of Desert Island was going to be a tough one but instead I found my answers were plain and simple. First Celebrity on the list is MacGyver (not Richard Dean Anderson). I am sure that out of whatever we find afloat around the island he will be able to whip up a big screen TV, Satellite, sound beach craft and whatever else I tell him to. Celebrity number 2 has to be Bear Grylls. I need a workhorse and someone to make sure that we all survive day to day without much work. I think that he and Mac could have Swiss Family Robinson’s place looking like the ghetto in not time. Third was a little tougher I was thinking some really hot super model or such but in reality with the prior two I could probably up and leave anytime I wanted. I have my tunes I have my beer Next I think I need someone to punch in the face when the day is bad. For this I choose Andy Dick. There is no one else that I would want to punch everyday for the rest of my life. I do make the caveat that if there are no native women and no chance of getting off the island (what the hell is this some kind of magical space island) I would then choose Ali Larter with Whip Cream bikini. She is nice to look at and plays tough chicks besides why not?

F-U-Natalie: What a hard question. My first thought was Oprah. But since you’ve ruined her mystique and told me that she is just a talk show host she was out. I want someone who is funny and can entertain me so I thought about Dane Cook, but then I thought he might get old after a while. Anyway, after some more thought (not too much since work got in the way, damn job!) here is my conclusion:

Everybody on the whole cell block… dancin’ with F-U-Natalie!

Elvis Presley. He could serenade me and would be easy on the eyes. Plus I’ve always wanted to sleep with that hunka burnin’ love.

Ellen DeGeneres. I think she’s funny and I think we would get along. Plus I think she is one of the few people on this planet that can keep up with my chattiness.

Gerard Butler. This is purely sexual. The man is hot AND has an accent. Oh yes, he can come.

Keithage: So I hate the “who would you meet dead or alive” questions and I would get sick of most famous people so I wasn’t about to answer, but then I came up with this brilliant suggestion:

Wonder if Friday’s there too…

1. Robinson Crusoe
2. The hot chick from Lost
3. The professor from Gilligan’s Island

I don’t really need to explain any of them do I?

Lady E: So, I have me a gorgeous island where I am trapped, and with me I have all the Hiney-Lite a girl could want. Now, who do I want to share this beautiful (if I am trapped there I get to decide what it looks like) island and copious amounts of beer???

He’s either discussing politics, or the Buffalo fucking Bills again.

My first choice is Tim Russert. I know, he is dead, but really? Go with me on this.

He would fill multiple roles on the island. He is such a great father figure, I am sure we would build huts and fun stuff like that. He is also one of the smartest people who has met amazing people. He can fill the time with his stories about the interviews he had, and people he has met. I always loved Tim, and this is my chance to get to hang out with him.

The second person I would choose would be Dane Cook. I know that it is soo cool to hate him right now, but I like him, I like his comedy, I think he is funny.  He seems like he would be a ton of fun! He runs around, he yells, he does crazy shit!  He would be the entertainment for the island. Also Dane is from a HUGE family, he is probably pretty resourceful.

Finally, I would need a fellow female with me on the island. I want someone to gossip about Dane with, lay out with, and just be girly with. So my choice for number 3 is Tori Spelling. Turns out she is FUN! (Seriously, watch Tori & Dean, or just take my word for it.) She loves herself some wine (so we might have to change the alcohol), she loves being goofy, and she is a great mother, so I know my birthdays would be amazing.

So, there you have it, 3 random people, but they are my peeps that I would share my island with.

Flickerbock: This one was pretty easy (in no particular order):

Who’s more grizzled: Ansel Adams or um, anyone else ever?

1. Ansel Adams (as long as we have cameras and the ability to create prints). I understand that this is a large request. I just hope that the plane that we crashed in happens to have an entire dark room setup within its bowels. Ansel Adams has always been one of my favorite artists. With all the time that we would have on this deserted island, I could delve into the mind of one of the greatest photographers ever. This would be sweet.

2. Mos Def. The guy is just so cool and laid back, you know he would be fun to hang out with. Plus, if you want to hear someone drop some rhymes, just lay down a beat and this guy will spit. Since we are only allowed a limited amount of albums, having Mos Def around to provide new material would be a godsend.

3. Bear Grylls. This way you never have to worry about figuring out what you are going to eat or how you are going to survive. Plus watching him do his nature voodoo awesomeness in his absolutely, certifiably insane manner would provide plenty of entertainment.

Deuce: The three famous people I would want with me on a desert island would be:

Oh… No… That’s how the Rough Riders roll.

1) Teddy Roosevelt. He seems like a hard worker and I think he would have some interesting stories to tell and we’d have plenty of time to listen to them.

2) The guy from Man vs Wild – because he is as close to a real life MacGyver that I know of, and we need that. Who else is going to make a rabbit snare from the cockpit wires of the plane we crashed in.

3) Bob Denver circa 1965 – because I will need someone to hit over the head with my hat.

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Gotta love Desert Island. It’s one of the better hypothetical scenarios, and when you add in beer, music, and celebrities, it’s even better. And hey, speaking of celebrities, here’s our next question.

Let’s say some Hollywood executive approaches you and for some reason wants to make a movie of your boring ass life. In this goofy fantasy, they’ve given you carte blanche as to who will play you in the film. So, who is it? Who takes on the role of a lifetime and plays you in the movie about your own life?

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Dagger & Hart

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