Cru Jones Society

 

On the walls surrounding my desk are three cork boards covered with pictures. When I am feeling over whelmed I will just stop and stare at these frozen memories. It is a little like having my own time machine as I travel through the years and relive all the good times in my mind. While I do love looking at the goofy faces of my friends, these pictures only represent half of my memories.

The other half consists of times less joyous and more sucktacular. But those times often don’t end up on film, and if for some reason they do they wouldn’t make it onto a board for daily viewings. But these, along with a discussion I recently had with Dagger; I can’t help but to think about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. More specifically whether or not I would indulge in the service offered. Here are my thoughts.

For those unfamiliar with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind , it’s a movie written by the guy who wrote Being John Malkovich, and stars Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. The central theme is a company has developed the technology to erase memories. All scientific and psychological quandaries aside, this is at least an interesting concept.

Dagger and I debated about partaking in such a service. His initial point, which I fully agree with, is that bad or good, our memories are a sacred thing. Our memories help us define who we are. They remind us that we have existed and that we have experienced different aspects of life. I have five rolls of film (remember that stuff? It used to be used in cameras before memory cards) devoted to a trip I took to Italy. Looking at them reminds me that I have seen another country and it was beautiful. But I am also reminded that I lost a hundred dollars. While it did suck to lose that much money, I now know what to do in a situation like that or better still, how to avoid a situation like that. The important thing is that we learn from these bad memories.

Now, just to play devil’s advocate, here are a few reasons why I would be for erasing some memories. These may seem like minor things, but I have found they have been affecting my life a lot lately.

There are things in life that for one reason or another we associate with certain people or events. I had an ex-girlfriend, who turned out to be a whore, who loved the band Garbage. She wouldn’t shut up about Garbage. Once we heard Thrice’s cover of “Send me and Angel” and she tried to convince me that it was a cover of a Garbage song. I wanted to be like, “Woman! This is the classic 80′s song by Real Life. Stop trying to relate everything back to Garbage!” I digressed a bit but the point here is I used to enjoy Garbage a little, but now when I hear them I think of this broad and how angry I got listening to her try to make Shirley Manson the goddamned second coming of Janis Joplin. To be able to remove memories like this that link songs, movies or whatever to a certain awful person would not be all bad.

I think a big part of why this affects me so is that I have not completely moved on. I haven’t found someone else or something of value I can link Garbage to. It’s kind of like when you listen to a song a lot and you think it means one thing then you find out that it means something completely different and suddenly you have a hard time taking your original meaning from it. It’s still there, but it is overshadowed by the new and stronger idea. So without making new memories, the whole erasing thing would be helpful.

And it seems like damn near any little things will spark the bad memories. The other night I was battling a bout of insomnia and I looked to children’s programming to help. I turned on the movie Snow Day.  I have never seen this movie before so it holds no connection to anything in my life. But I watched a couple kids wrestle in the snow and again I was reminded of an ex. This was a memory that was both bad and good. The memory itself was this time I pulled her down in the snow and we played and wrestled. It was like that scene in Groundhog Day I usually fast forward through. That was nice and it was one of the bright spots in that relationship. But at the same time it made me think of the bitch who, as Van Wilder would put it, ran over my heart with a big metaphorical truck.

It seems that these bad memories are more frequent than the happy ones. Though they may be equal and the human mind just tends to focus and dwell on the negative ones. It’s like my mind is trying really hard to figure out why things went wrong and what could have been done to prevent it from happening again. My stupid brain trying to better my life is making me crazy in the process.

The other idea I like about the memory erase, and the movie deals with this, is having the opportunity to relive moments. The most exciting part of any relationship is always the beginning. You’re filled with excitement, curiosity and so many other emotions. They are all overwhelming and feel so new. You get to learn all about the person. You’re exposed to new smells, new ideas, and a new touch. While the familiar is nice and comfortable, there is just nothing like the thrill of new.

Even though it may appear I would not hesitate to call up the memory erasing company and get my shit cleaned like a Stanley Steemer, I don’t think I ever would.

The main reason has to do with Dagger’s thoughts about our memories. Good and bad, they are part of who we are. It’s like the Bouncing Souls wrote, “There are only a few things that really belong to me: who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.” To know any of these things I have to be aware of all of my past, especially the shitty parts.

I complained a lot about how the bad memories just pop in and I dwell on them, but eventually they lead to another good memory. In a 6 degrees of seperation thing, I feel like my memories are all connected. By erasing one I don’t want, I could inadvertently erase one I do want. It’s like a puzzle with a missing piece, even though you can tell what it is supposed to be, you can’t help but to focus on what’s not there.

I will stand by the idea of experiencing things again. I still think that would be great. At the same time though, you would have to experience heartbreak and pain again. And remembering what that feels like or not, it still sucks. And that first heartache hurts more.

I think in the end it all comes down to a simple philosophy, we need opposites. We cannot fully appreciate something if that is all we know. We need the rainy days to appreciate a clear sky. If all we have are good memories, then we might just completely lose it when something bad happens. We wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It’s kind of like Butters’ idea of a beautiful sadness.

I enjoyed the movie. It made me think and it had an original and creative idea. But if the technology ever becomes available, I will pass. Good or bad, if I have memories of you, then you must have been important to me at some point in my life, and helped me become who I am today. So thank you. And if you’re still a part of my life, I hope we can make many more good memories.

See ya on my picture boards…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com