I have no idea what movie this is from, but I probably don’t want to see it. 

Since it’s the day after Labor Day, you’re all likely in a slightly better mood than a normal Tuesday. And why shouldn’t you be? The triumphant CSU Rams saved everyone from Boulder from buying additional carbon offsets by shutting their giant, organic wheatgrass-smelling mouths that bloviated all week about how much they were going to kick our asses. How’d that work out for you? Enjoy your crow and rest happy in the knowledge that you’ve prevented the additional propagation of harmful greenhouse gases, and the world thanks you.

In the spirit of those good feelings, we’ll take a trip to the Love Lounge on the lighter side. I didn’t find anything worthy of moral outrage in this article, but I found its basic premise to be the lame little litter sister to tired old hacky standup bit “Black guys eat like this. White guys eat like this.”

So here you go. Wendy Atterberry finally unravels that age old mystery of how men and women eat differently. Yes, that’s the subject of this entire article, and no I didn’t make it up. Click the link below and it’ll prove I’m not kidding. Otherwise, rules are the same. Wendy’s text followed by my comments in italics. Time to dig in.

10 Rules About The Way Men And Women Eat

By Wendy Atterberry, From The Frisky

Esquire.com recently posted a “personal catalog” of 30 “likes, dislikes, habits, and rules” about the way men eat. I haven’t thought much about it before, but looking at this list, I suddenly realize that men and women are practically opposites when it comes to mealtime.

I love how she suddenly realizes this and delivers her findings as if she’s breaking new ground here. Really, Wendy? Men and women eat differently and you just now figured this out? What’s your next article lead? “I’ve had a dog my whole life, but recently got a cat. And dagnabbit, it dawned on me that these two species behave very differently! Read my incredible findings below…”

After the jump, 10 habits and rules for men from Esquire, plus our own personal catalog of 10 likes, dislikes, habits, and rules about the way women eat.

Here’s the weird thing about this, though. I read that Esquire article a month ago and the authors admitted they culled their list from a multitude of responses from men all across the country. Wendy’s writing her responses off the top of her head. Kind of like I’m doing in response to this here. You know what? Forget I brought this up.

Esquire’s Personal Catalog of Men’s Eating Habits

1. A plate of salami can be a meal, if it’s what’s there. You look around. Fried eggs over tortilla chips. Hunger spurs creativity in a man.

And that’s how Senor Limon and I created Nuclear Gut Bomb. And since it’s ostensibly a dip, I was even more pleased several months later when all he had was tortilla chip crumblings to see him sprinkle those on top and eat that big hunk of chili cheese like a soup. Brilliant.

2. I’ll dip just about anything in just about anything – something from the fridge, something at the other end of the table. Fried chicken in the guacamole. A slice of pizza in the tub of take-out ranch. Whatever’s in front of me.

We’ve alluded to this before, but the CJS Staff and Keithage once drank condiments after a Rockies game just for kicks. You never know how awesome something will be until you try it (the condiments by themselves were not). It’s the “You got chocolate in my peanut butter” rule. Just dip the thing into the stuff and see how it turns out. Actually, that’s not bad advice for your sex life either.

“What can I get ya’, hon?” They always call you “hon” and I fucking love that. 

3. If I love the waitress, I tell her to bring me whatever’s good. This has afforded me many discoveries.

I find this works best in diners. The waitress knows what’s made fresh and how the clams casino ingredients have sat there for months. Don’t get cute in a diner, trust the adorable gum-snapping, pencil holding her hair in a bun, sassy, ball-busting lady with the green and white guest check. She knows.

4. I would rather wait till dinner than have brunch.

Couldn’t disagree more since brunch affords you the rare opportunity to eat a steak before noon and drink with breakfast. Brunch is awesome.

5. A man doesn’t need more bread. More chips maybe, but not more bread.

When I go to the store the two things I always need to pick up are tortilla chips and peanut butter. Can never have enough of those two things in the house. So yes, more chips indeed.

6. You can cook a good meal in the time it takes to drink one cocktail.

This statement is clearly aimed at a crowd older than college-aged. Most of us couldn’t have finished a single Ding Dong in the time it took to drink one cocktail. But now? This author is absolutely right. Anything requiring more preparation than this rule affords is simply masturbation. You’re going to eat it, not give birth to it, so spend your time accordingly.

 That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

7. A beer with lunch can be transformative.

It can also be the death of your afternoon productivity, which I suppose is the point here, but goddamn if it isn’t patently awful having a beer at lunch and then having a project deadline unexpectedly move up. That’s also transformative, but in the same way Jeff Goldblum transformed into the fly.

8. I don’t particularly enjoy sharing. Except with a woman, and then only on the first two dates or any wedding anniversary after the tenth.

“Except with a woman.” Does this guy have male friends who seek to share food with him? Think over your lives, men. When was the last time you shared any type of food with one of your boys? If you’ve struggled to come up with even one time outside of that bottle of booze in the alley before a concert when you were 18, you’re like probably the other 99% of men reading this.

9. There are few greater joys than eating a Cinnabon and drinking coffee while parked, alone, at the Walt Whitman Service Area on the New Jersey Turnpike on a cold morning.

This sounds like the premise for a Norman Rockwell painting depicting suburban despair and loneliness, doesn’t it? I’m not exactly what you’d call a “people person,” and this sounded depressing even to me.

10. Eating while walking, no. While driving, yes.

The only time you eat while driving is when you’re in a hurry which means fast eating which means heartburn which means throat acid which means no sex that night which means prostate cancer. Eating while driving – thumbs down.

The Frisky’s Personal Catalog Of Women’s Eating Habits

1. A box of Wheat Thins, a few baby carrots and some cream cheese can be a meal if that’s what’s there.

And if you’ve ever looked inside a woman’s refrigerator, that’s ALWAYS there. It’s like if you come to my house. You’ll always find tortilla chips, peanut butter, and a brick of cheese. I gots to have my cheese!

2. Women will dip just about anything into cheese (see above) – a hunk of bread, some grape tomatoes, a piece of pizza, or a slice of apple.

I read this and for some reason could only think of that deleted scene from Borat I love where he’s in the supermarket in the cheese section asking the store manger, “What is-a theeeis?” The answer is always cheese. I kept picturing a man sitting next to a woman dunking bread, tomatoes, pizza and an apple into the cheese and asking her, “What is-a theeeis?”And she’s just like all flatly, “Cheese.” I laughed about this for five minutes. I’m a crazy person.

 I’ll bet this beefcake’s specialty is a GHB and tonic.

3. If we love the bartender, we tell him to make us his specialty. This has afforded us a few good drinks … and many hot dates.

I onetime asked a bartender to make me his specialty and ended up drinking a goddamn Brandy Alexander which is like drinking Christmas potpourri or chocolate reindeer cum. Never ask for a bartender’s specialty unless you know that asshole well or are trying to put your mouth around his penis.

4. I would rather skip every other meal of the day to have brunch.

And if you’ve ever had brunch with a group of women, you know that you don’t need any other meal because brunch almost always lasts the entire fucking day. I like brunch, but there’s always too much fruit juice, expository (and therefore exhausting) conversation and not enough beer or tortilla chips.

5. There is no such thing as too much bread.

To me this sounds like the fantasizing of a woman on a carb-restricted diet. Here’s a newsflash: Carbs give you energy. Energy allows you to be active. Being active allows you to exercise and burn calories at a much more efficient rate. And then: Presto! You have a beach-ready body! People should keep this in mind before they unnecessarily make bread into the poor old Richard Jewell of the food world.

6. Sometimes a cocktail is a meal.

I’m reminded of one of my favorite lines from Grumpier Old Men. Burgess Meredith talks about how he’s 93 years old. “I wake up in the morning and smoke a cigarette. And then for breakfast, I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a mid-day snack… bacon! A whole damn plate of it. And I usually drink my dinner.” Hey, if booze for dinner is good enough for old as fuck Burgess Meredith, it’s good enough for this columnist, and it’s good enough for me.

7. A beer with lunch can be transformative (ah, something we agree on!).

Beer will bring anyone together. And after enough of them, it will bring them together naked.

Fries > Salad Fries > Salad

8. We’ll share our salad if you share your fries!

Ok, I’ll ask. Has there ever been a man anywhere since the beginning of time that wants to share his woman’s salad? And since when is fries for salad an even trade? Even if it’s like a lot of salad, isn’t this the food equivalent of the Mariners trading Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe to the Red Sox for Heathcliff Slocumb?

9. There are few greater joys in life than sipping a latte on a Sunday morning while eating a lightly toasted whole wheat bagel with veggie cream cheese and reading the New York Times Style section.

This is perhaps the most feminine sentence ever written.

10. Eating while walking, no. Eating while having sex, maybe.

Good for you, Costanza. Remember the pastrami on rye scene from 9 ½ Weeks? Neither does anyone else because eating while having sex is fucking gross.

Despite the obviousness of the premise of this article, I think it was ultimately all in good fun. Sure, men and women eat differently, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all come together over a beer at lunch. Just don’t get suckered into the fries-for-salad trade. That’s a losing premise all the way around.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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