Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out!

We’re back from Las Vegas and we’ve got stories to share, but those will have to wait until Thursday. Why? Because although being in Las Vegas often feels like pure fiction and fantasy (it is – especially when it’s YOUR bachelor party), that answer is disqualified because you can actually go there anytime you want. Our focus today is on places you can’t actually go. We asked you last week: If you could visit one fictional world from television, movies, literature, which would it be? Our readers’ diverse choices are inside, but first the CJS Staff.

***

Down in Fraggle Rock

Lee S. Hart: I’m betting most of you might expect me to say something like the fictional place I would like to live is Sesame Street or Fraggle Rock. These would seem like some obvious choices for me, but alas they are not what I choose.

Sesame Street would be annoying to live on. Everyone always talking about these concepts I learned when I was much younger. “Yes Grover that is the difference between near and far, can we please talk about something else?” “Seriously, we’re counting again?” And living on a street with a giant bird would be a bit unsettling. So I’m going pass on that.

Fraggle Rock wouldn’t be bad, unless I was still human and not a Fraggle. Then it would be very uncomfortable all hunched over trying not hit my head and getting used to the taste of Doozer sticks and radishes. But if I were a Fraggle that would be a pimp place to live. Fraggles live a life of ease and I could get on board with that. Plus the idea of living in a cave harkens back to the exploring I used to love as a child.

This exploration thing is part of what leads me to my real answer. I would choose the Satellite of Love from MST3K. I would get to float around space and explore a new frontier, sort of. I mean I wouldn’t get to leave the ship, but floating along in space actually sounds fun to me. The down side would be having to sit through some God awful movies, but I tend to do that anyway. And at least on the satellite I would have robot friends to make jokes with me. I make jokes here on my own but it is less fun by myself. Also I would have robot friends, who doesn’t want robot friends? Space, robots, and making jokes with friends. That is where I want to be.

They’ll be there for you.

E Dagger: I wish my answer were more whimsical, but my general ambivalence toward wizards and vampires and all that goofy stuff makes this question a tough one to answer. I’m not especially interested in hanging out with ghosts or anything like that since interacting with people who are either undead or have superpowers just seems like a lot more work. Of course, I could just be brutally hungover after drinking for two straight days and chopping off a chance to meet super interesting people out of my desire to be left alone and get this stupid cigar taste out of my mouth a whole damn day later. Whatever.

My answer is the pre-9/11 New York inhabited by the cast of “Friends.” This place is as much a fantasy as any other place mentioned here in the Confessional. These six people in their 20s live in Manhattan’s trendy Greenwich Village neighborhood and no one ever worries about money. True, they dedicated one whole episode to Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe’s frustration with their more successful counterparts, but by the end of the series’ run, 5 of 6 of them had extremely well-paying jobs. The lesson? If you’re charming, and good-looking and have pithy rejoinders for every situation, don’t worry, good things will happen to you. Money shmoney. Let’s poke a big fat naked guy late at night with a bunch of taped-together chopsticks. Shouldn’t you be at work? Nope. I’m going to sit in this coffee shop in the middle of the afternoon, eat yet another pastry, and never gain any weight. Sound good to you?

You get to spend all day, every day with your pals in one of the best cities in the entire world. You work (based on my best conservative estimates) 10 hours per week and have sex with absurdly attractive people basically at will. Even though you’re in New York, the only black people you encounter are when Gabrielle Union unexpectedly moves in across the street. Not that that’s a good thing, but it’s certainly weird and is probably someone’s horrible fantasy.

The New York of “Friends” is a place free of lasting monetary concerns, crime or hellish work hours. Doesn’t that sound like a place you’d like to spend some time in?

***

And now a trio of CJS Regulars send us to three distinct worlds and tell us why they’d love to spend some time there. By and large, we’re with them. These sound like a good time indeed.

Happy Rex Manning Day!

Jitterrawks: I’ve thought about this for ages.  I’ve always sworn that if Empire Records ever truly existed, I’d quit my job and get hired there in a second.  The people who work there really care about music and each other.  I’m a music idealist…this place would be ideal for me.  I’d get to screw with shoplifters, heckle washed-up has beens and potentially see Renee Zellweger in nothing but an apron.  And on the days when the man is getting me down, I’d just sneak into Joe’s office and smash out a set on the drums.  I’d really look forward to having frequent after-hour fundraisers, too.  Besides, who doesn’t love a place where you get to play music all day and goof around on a roof?

Sookie… I am not HUNGRY 

Lady E: It is kind of a hard decision between two fictional worlds for me. My first thought would be life as we know it, but with Mutants all around us, a la X-Men. These crazy people can do the craziest of things! Some have wings and can fly, FLY I tell you! Others can never be killed, manipulate metal, throw fire, breath ice, and I wish I was one of them!!!

BUT alas, that is not the world I am choosing.  Maybe it was my love of Twilight, and then the addiction to the TV Show True Blood, but then, THEN came the books! There are 9 of them by Charlene Harris, in which she creates this magical world of vampires, shape shifters, werewolves, and fairies (think Tinker Bell, not a Tink) and mind readers. This is the world I want to live in. I love the idea that there are actual immortal people, absolutely defying the laws of nature. That there are secrets that we don’t know about, places of this earth that have yet to be explored, something new in a post-modern world where there is nothing new. I feel like the (hypothetical) existence of these creatures raises such interesting questions about God, life, death and humanity.  I think though, most of all, the reason I would choose this world to inherit would be how much fun it would bring to our banal world. And Eric, I also really like the idea of Eric being there.

Not the Michael Jackson one, perv.

Augie.Maestas: Neverland – the place where you never get older. How awesome would that place be? You never get older and therefore have to never worry about getting old and sick. Staying the same age with your friends. Awesome. I would enjoy that, however, at my age I think I would qualify more as a pirate then a lost boy. however not a bad idea, but the lost boys go on adventures and sound like they have more fun. Thoughts?

***

Our thoughts, Augie? Our thoughts are that we do our best to make sure Neverland never fully dies. Our ridiculous collection of toys works to achieve this goal too. Just ask Hart’s Wolverine figure. We’re sure he’d have tales and tales to tell you as all of our figures do. Hell, Brian Posehn’s Han Solo figure could tell you a story about battling Brian’s penis in the bathtub who stood in for Darth Vader. He already had a helmet, right?

Which is probably the weirdest segue ever to appear on this site, but whatever, let’s go with it. Here’s this week’s question: So let’s say you’ve made it on television for Jeopardy. You’re a smart person and your raging promiscuity has allowed you to sweep the “Penis Sizes of the 2007 New York Giants.” The producers have gratefully gone to commercial. Alex is now standing at your podium with his little note card prompting you on some dumbass story. The question is: What dumbass story are you telling on Jeopardy to the viewing public who just wants Alex to get back to the questions? This can be serious – tell us your best 30 second story you’d like the audience to hear, or it can be totally fictional and feel free to mock the entire thing. Show us your comedy chops, if you like.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.