This weekly feature on the Cru Jones Society has been running since January 11 and invites CJS Staff and Regulars to share their answers to a weekly prompt.
What is the Monday Confessional?
That is correct, and welcome to another edition. The CJS loves Jeopardy! but thinks the interview segment bites. In our experience, we’ve only seen one truly good interview and that was a guy who admired some broadcaster who regularly called games at Madison Square Garden and aspired to do that one day himself. Through hard work and some good luck, his college basketball team serendipitously played there and he was fortunate enough to realize his dream by doing play-by-play for them. Simple, elegant, and interesting. Good for him.
However, everyone else usually tells some jackass story about their cat which makes us just want to ridicule the entire thing. So we asked you to amuse us and answer this question: What is your Jeopardy interview story? Seeing as we only got two responses, the staff will go first, then the regulars, and then a fun little game. Enjoy! (Because the clock is ticking)
E Dagger: When Senor Limon and I roomed together sophomore year of college, we watched Jeopardy religiously. We even used to watch the ridiculous “To Tell the Truth” remake starring John O’Hurley and a bunch of d-list celebrities (Paula Poundstone! Meshach Taylor! Brad Sherwood!) that came on before Jeopardy. Then they replaced that with an inferior version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire featuring Meredith Vieira at her MILFiest, but that’s life. So we were more than well-versed in idiot stories from otherwise erudite Jeopardy contestants. Since most of them were painfully banal, I worked to come up with the most pointless, moronic story possible and concocted two such gems.
I imagine Alex would have prompted me on something that actually pertained to my life (So, it says here you host a punk rock radio show…), but my plan was to fully ignore him, go off-book, and blow him away with how insanely trivial and esoteric I could be. Here’s what I came up with.
1) Yeah yeah, radio show, it’s fine. But I’ll tell you this… I smoke clove cigarettes, and since tobacco companies can’t advertise anywhere, and since cloves appeal only to moody high school girls and faggy Goth kids, you NEVER see them advertised anywhere. Well, this one time I was in a porn store thumbing through the latest issue of Penthouse, possibly Hustler, and sure enough there was a hot chick on a horse smoking a clove of my same brand. It was awesome.
2) So, this one time I was playing Red Alert 2 and I was playing as America (F*** yeah!) where your special attack is paratroopers. My opponent played as Korea, and they have these super planes that can blow up stuff real good. So the guy sends a squadron of planes to my base and blows up my con yard, so I’m like, “Oh no you di-in’t!” So I took my prism tanks and bombed his Korean ass back to the Stone Age and won. It was awesome.
I can only imagine how annoyed Trebek would be with either of those stories. To which I’d say, “Whatever. Why don’t you sell some life insurance to old people, you goofy Canadian ponce.”
Lee S. Hart: Well, Alex, I wouldn’t say I’m a muse, but I have in the local bands in my home state. I was once riding my bike and I decided to let go of the handle bars. To my surprise a week later I heard some guys rapping about it. And before that I heard a weird noise so I went over to my neighbors house with a trash can lid and a bucket on my head. They put that into a chorus about fighting zombies. Also in the early 90′s I was the inspiration for the cartoon Camp Candy. OK, none of that was true. Though i have heard those songs and seen that cartoon. Can we get back to the game now?
And now we turn it over to CJS Regulars Keithage and CassieB. Keithage goes with the great “bad story” standby and CassieB renames one of the world’s most ubiquitous franchises.
Keithage: I was raised in an orphanage, when I turned 18 I got a job at this souvenir stand and that’s pretty much it. Oh and once I sawr a blimp!
CassieB: “Thanks Alex. (chuckle) And yes, it’s true. Being a sandwich artist myself has seen me through the good times and bad, and during one of my really “dark” periods, I became keenly aware of the stereotypes that surround my profession, my culture. Take, for example, The Man of which I was employed. “Sub”way. What that name told me right off the bat is that the world sees Sandwich Artists as “sub”-par human beings. So I began the movement, petitioned and rallied long and hard, and that is why your local sandwich joint is now called Equalway.
CassieB would like everyone to know she wrote the above while up at 3:30 a.m. with her 3 month-old son.
And now, since we received so few responses this week, here’s something a little different. Below are the potential Jeopardy stories of 10 of your favorite movie characters. We don’t think you’ll have much trouble identifying these characters, but feel free to guess who they are in the comments section. And make sure to answer next week’s question below.
1. I always figured there was more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking, so I opened my school for kids who can’t read good. Also, look at this… (MAGNUM!)
2. When Charlie called, I wasn’t exactly sure I wanted to manage the Indians because I had a guy on the other line about some whitewalls. I eventually accepted, but in my second season it seemed everyone had some sort of stupid excuse. It’s either a leg thing… or a spiritual thing… or a psychological thing! Or a HEART ATTACK!!!
3. I helped found Fleshofthestars.com, and even though we were disheartened when we found out Mr. Skin had beaten us to the punch and had the cooler name, we didn’t worry about it too much because Spider-Man 3 started in 8 minutes. If I could get anyone pregnant, it’d be Felicity Huffman. Ever since TransAmerica I can’t get her out of my mind.
4. Well, to be honest Alex, I think I won Torrance’s heart when I composed “Just What I Need” for her even though I only play guitar and somehow the song had a bass line and drums. My little counter-cultural heart was broken when I tried to give it to her initially and saw her kiss her douche bag college boyfriend in the driveway outside her house after the regional cheer championships. But then she incorporated my song into her squad’s national championship routine, and I’ve been loving her pom-poms ever since.
5. Alex: Where do you live?
Contestant: In the city.
Alex: You have a house?
Alex: Own or rent?
Alex: What do you do for a living?
Contestant: Lots of things.
Alex: Where’s your office?
Contestant: I don’t have one.
Alex: How come?
Contestant: I don’t need one.
Alex: Where’s your wife?
Contestant: Don’t have one.
Alex: How come?
Contestant: It’s a long story.
Alex: You have kids?
Contestant: No I don’t.
Alex: How come?
Contestant: It’s an even longer story.
Alex: Are you my Dad’s brother?
Contestant: What’s your record for consecutive questions asked?
Contestant: I’m your Dad’s brother alright.
Alex: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Contestant: How nice of you to notice.
Alex: I’m the host of Jeopardy – that’s my job.
6. Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?
7. You know, I thought I’d come out to the Coast, have a few laughs, but I ended up blowing away a building full of terrorists while the principal from the damn Breakfast Club was up my ass the whole time. Carl Winslow was cool though. I’d call it a success because I dropped Hans off the 32nd floor of Nakatomi Towers and found out what a TV dinner feels like. So there’s that.
8. One time the cops thought I was high on PCP, but that’s just who I was. I thought the cars on my street would look better without windshields, and I didn’t want to stay in the backseat of that damn squad car, so I kicked out the back window and ran away. Now I’m off to Notre Dame to study botany. Plants can’t speak up for themselves, and someone has to fight for them. (Punches podium and breaks it).
9. I’m the number one Proust scholar, but my former gay lover ran away with my chief rival after he received a MacArthur Genius Grant. I subsequently tried to kill myself and ended up in that smelly ass Volkswagen van on the way to Redondo Beach where my sister’s heroin addict father-in-law died and we smuggled him out of the hospital. It’s funny the way I say Friedrich Neet-chah.
10. I began my life as a paperboy, but when the powers-that-be of BMX decided they needed their very own Super Bowl, I qualified despite the protestations of my wet blanket mother who discouraged me in every way possible except standing at the top of the stairs yelling “You can’t win!” Thanks to My Favorite Martian and the encouragement of the future Aunt Becky, I raced in the biggest bike race of my life and did a backflip that made Hulk Hogan eat his heart out.
October begins this week, which means it’s the greatest sports month on the calendar. With football in full swing, hockey just around the corner, and baseball playoffs getting ready to commence, we want to know: What is the greatest game you ever remember watching? Was it a Super Bowl? Day baseball game where you got loaded and laid afterward? Hockey playoffs where Patrick Roy said he couldn’t hear what Jeremy Roenick says because he has two Stanley Cup Rings plugging his ear? Tell us about your favorite game of all-time.
We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to email@example.com and we’ll put them up next week.
Dagger & Hart
28 Sep 2009 CJS Staff