MMM…MMM… Bitch!

It’s no secret that booze plays a role in my life. Like a good friend it is always there to bring happiness and tastiness. As I may have mentioned before, or maybe I haven’t I can’t remember everything I say, I drink remember, but my two favorite libations are beer and whiskey. I would like to take the opportunity today to talk about my love of the whiskey.

First up the top three whiskeys I love. I say that I am a whiskey man, but I will also admit there are still tons of whiskeys I have not tried. But of the ones I have these are the three I will more often turn to when it is whiskey-thirty.

Crown Royal

Every king needs a crown

Created in Canada in 1939 to commemorate King George VI and Queen Elizabeth’s visit to the Great White North, Crown Royal is the number one selling Canadian whiskey in the U.S.

Crown Royal was my first real whiskey, or at least the first one I remember trying that wasn’t Jack. With its bold aroma and smoothness, I knew what I wanted it stocked in my home at all times.

My Best Time

I was hanging out at the place where Dagger, Limon, CJS regulars Deuce, Tron, and Keithage lived, a place we call Old Brentwood as it was the first of two house occupied by us on Brentwood. Dagger called me up and said he planned a chill night on the back porch with cigars and Crown. I didn’t know what Crown was, but I like chill nights. At one point during this evening “Take On Me” by Aha started to play and the whole lot of us out back could not resist the temptation to sing along. And when that really high part came along all of us non-singer dudes tried our best to hit it only to set the neighborhood dogs a barking.

My Worst Time

The office Christmas party last year. Open bar and I had a safe way home. I was still relatively new to the company and I wanted to loosen up a bit to become more social. And what better way to do that than with a delicious, liquid, golden god? The problem was I got carried away and the rest is kind of a blur except I recall a long conversation with a coworker about the Bouncing Souls and The Dark Knight and dancing like an idiot with the male vice president of the company.

Booze Basher Rating: 7.5

Maker’s Mark

Knockin’ back the Maker’s Mark

Maker’s Mark flavor was determined by the head distiller baking loaves of bread with the exact proportion of grain contents for each proposed recipe. He wanted to make a unique flavor but didn’t since whiskey takes 7 years to age properly, he didn’t want to waste time on lousy recipes.

Maker’s Mark has thus far been the only American whiskey I can drink on a regular basis. Most American whiskeys are too sweet for my taste. But Maker’s distinguished flavor doesn’t have the strong sweet bite like most others.

My Best Time

The summer of 2006. Most of my really good friends had left the town I was living in. I was sad that they weren’t around so I poured myself a Maker’s on the rocks, or as Dagger would later come to call it, Maker’s on the Mark, threw on some Joe Strummer, and took a seat out back and watched the night sky. This became a habit that summer and every time I would just remember all the good times I had with my friends.

My Worst Time

The summer of 2006. A good whiskey is better when it is shared with good friends over good times. Although my memories were strong, those nights would have meant more and the whiskey would have tasted better.

Booze Basher Rating: 7.5

Seagram’s VO

I’m going to sneak you into the movies. In my tummy

VO is just one of many brands owned by the Seagram’s company along with Crown Royal, Captain Morgan Rum, and Tropicana Fruit Juice.

VO varies from Seagram’s 7 in that it is much more smooth. VO has been one of the smoothes whiskey I have had the pleasure of enjoying. I generally don’t like to shoot whiskey, but if I have to this is the one I choose.

My Best Time

CJS regular Keithage and I attempted to check out the Red Bull soap box derby when it passed through our lovely state. We grabbed some beers and a bottle of VO and did some tail-gaiting. We underestimated the popularity of the event and were misinformed about their free shuttle from the parking lot and ultimately didn’t get to go to the race. We decided instead to take our remaining beers and VO to the movies. So many good things are better with whiskey and Pixar movies fall into that category.

My Worst Time

VO has become relatively new in my life and I have not had the misfortune to have a bad experience with it yet. But considering the smoothness of it and the possibility that I would shoot it there is definite potential for fail with it sometime in my life.

Booze Basher Rating: 6.0 (editor’s note: this is for Seagram’s 7. They don’t have a review for VO)

Now on to the top, or should I say bottom, three whiskeys that I cannot stand. I would rather stay sober than have to drink these.

Jack Daniels

Yes Jack Daniel’s Fudge. No this isn’t photoshopped

Jack Daniel’s is distilled in Lynchburg, TN, a dry county. This means that the stuff cannot even be bought or sold there. That is one of the best things I have ever heard.

Jack is inexplicably the most popular whiskey in the U.S. I do not understand its appeal. It doesn’t taste good and it isn’t all that smooth. I also have come to associate it with rednecks, and rednecks are people I can do without.

My Best Time

I’m not sure I have such a thing as a best time with Jack. Perhaps my 21 birthday. Jack was the last shot I remember having, but according to my score card there were many more after that. So by the time I had the Jack I didn’t really taste it nor was I cognizant of what was making its way in my mouth. That’s what she said.

My Worst Time

This is a toss-up between the time Limon and I mixed it with Coke and Crown in hopes our friend would drink it. She didn’t and we were forced to. Or the time Dagger, CJS regular R and I created the Va-jay-jay shot. We all questioned each other’s man hood and were obligated to defend it by chasing a shot of Jack with a shot of Jager. I had about two minutes afterwards when I thought it was a bad idea, but that past and I felt fine and even had a minimal hangover the next day. Dagger said his next day was business as usual. R however, was wrecked. The Va-jay-jay shot is like the Naked Man, two out three times it works.

Booze Basher Rating: 7.0

Canadian Mist

Through the Canadian Mist you can find Yukon Jack

Canadian Mist comes from the same corporation that gives us Jack Daniel’s and Southern Comfort. That should be enough right there to explain this stuff.

I never drank much of this, but at one time it was the only option and as they say, any port in the storm. Though that goes against earlier when I said that I would rather stay sober than drink these. I think I mean now, because when I worked retail I needed to drink more.

My Best Time

I had a roommate who always had this around, and he was so nice he actually shared it. I had come home from yet another miserable night at work and this was all we had to in the house to drink short of Vermouth or McCormick’s whiskey (a whiskey so bad I won’t even give it its own section on this list). Luckily we did have some Ginger Ale and I was able to overwhelm the godawful whiskey and get hammered as I watched Walker, Texas Ranger.

My Worst Time

Just about every other time I have had this. If it anything it is solely due to the fact that I am reminded of one of my least favorite roommates ever. He must have been a firm believer that one should never drink alone because every time I poured some Canadian Mist he took it as an opportunity to join me and then annoy me while I tried to enjoy television.

Booze Basher Rating: 6.0

Jameson Irish Whiskey

Gonna vom

In 1780, Jameson was an Irish whiskey owned by a Scottish man. That doesn’t seem right at all. Yet it still managed to become one of the most popular whiskeys of all time. Go figure.

To me this stuff is the devil. I’m sure it taste fine and probably doesn’t belong with the other two I have mentioned here. But I can only recall the way it tastes the second time around. Jameson has never wanted to stay in my belly.

My Best Time

This has yet to happen. As stated above, Jameson and I never get along. If I can ever keep the stuff from coming back up, even if I can get it to do that disgusting thing where it climbs up the throat then goes back down before actually becoming vomit, then I will call that my best time.

My Worst Time

I don’t know if it was the night it caused me to vomit off my 3rd Rock From The Sun style roof porch, then go to work the next day with the worst hangover I can remember. Or when it left me incapacitated at Dagger’s where every time I became vertical I had to make a trip to the bathroom. Both times were awful in their own disgusting ways, and both are the reason why I ain’t like Jameson.

Booze Basher Rating: They don’t have a review of Jameson. Some people slack off at their jobs.

So there you have it. If you ever want to get me a gift I recommend anything from the top half of this list. But if you bring me something from the bottom you are a jerk, but get the one you like because it will be re-gifted.  Also if you have a whiskey you love that didn’t make the list, let me know. I am not opposed to trying new things.

I will now leave you with the words of N.F. Simpson, “Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.”

It’ll get ya drunk

See ya in detox…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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