Cru Jones Society

Welcome to the Cru Jones Society fight night. Technically it’s not night when most of you read this, but fight morning and fight afternoon don’t sound as good. We wanted to know who you would take on if you could fight anyone living, dead, or fictional. We have six fights scheduled for the card, and since we don’t have any video packages to waste time let’s get Bruce Buffer out here to start the thing. What? Our not for profit site can’t afford Mr. Buffer? Can we, “say let’s get ready to rumble,” without being sued? No? Fine, then just touch gloves and come out fighting.

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Dagger: I think more than anyone, I’d like to fight conservative commentator Glenn Beck. I’ve never watched his program, but I always seem to hear about him and every time I do I always think, “God, who IS this guy? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Then I remember reading about how he wants to do comedy and thought, okay asshole, you can’t do comedy for real AND unintentional comedy where you feign outrage about the issue du jour and fake cry on the air every night. That’s just not how the world works.

I could see bumping into Mr. Beck someday, he introducing himself to me, me being unimpressed with him and making a snide remark, he taking exception to my snideness, me firing back accusing him of lowering the political discourse in this country with his cheap, reductive emotional ploys, he defending his show, me telling him to take a dump in his self-righteous hat, he asking me to step outside, me excitedly accepting, he offering the first punch for free, me declining, and he sucker punching me when I glance at the crowd that has now formed.

Would I win this fight? Of course. This is my article. I didn’t choose an actor because most of them are too small to make this a fair fight. Think about the dwarf candy asses from your high school theater department. Those kids grew up and moved to Hollywood . You fight one of them, you might as well fight your own grandmother. Glenn Beck at least seems to have some meat to him. But why choose Glenn Beck instead of say, O’Reilly or Hannity or Olbermann? Because those three blowhards probably get real invitations to fight everyday, and picking one of them is simply piling on at this point. Although all three seem pretty feisty, Olbermann is tall as hell, and Hannity is one bloated-looking walrus. That might be a good fight, now that I think about it. The difference for me is that Glenn Beck is way too self-satisfied for my taste and he needs a good scrape to knock the smug off his face. I like to think after the two of us duking it out on the street, we’d eventually shake hands, and Glenn Beck will have realized that there’s got to be a better way for him. He then goes on television the next night and promises balanced, nuanced discourse about the issues of the day without the theatrics. He goes on to produce just such a show and is cancelled three months later.

Hart: When approaching this question I thought about who annoyed me the most and who deserved to get their ass beat. The first place I went to were a bunch of cocky athletes always running their mouth’s like bitches. But let’s face it, with all their training on all my sitting in front of a computer, I would get straight up owned, and nobody wants to see that, especially not me.

Then I turned my sites to the other area full of people who annoy me, the music industry. This place is full of pretentious little bitches in need of a good foot up their ass.  Now it was a matter of narrowing it down.  My first instinct is to go for Chris Cornell if only for his contributions on the song “Black Hole Sun.” But suspicions are he would be the type of guy who calls himself an artisit and spend the majority of the time crying like a baby.

So I have decided the person I would want to fight, and who would probably be a decent fight, would be Fred Durst. Short of Kayne West, I can’t think of a single person in music who needs a good ass kicking like this man. With all his posturing, stupid red hat, and overall destruction of music I would waste no time laying the smack down on him. I do think he would put up an ok fight, so that would be fun, but in the end I think he is just a poser and I could lay his ass out. Then I would make him eat a limp biscuit, also thanks to his lame band I had the hardest time remember how to actually spell biscuit.

Limon: There are many annoying celebrities and other famous people I would take great pleasure in taking a swing at, but there is one fight I would enjoy far more than any other and it wouldn’t take place mano y mano in the ring.  If I could pick any one fight, it would be me vs a rampaging horde of zombies.  If most of the world’s population ever succomed to zombie infection.  I feel confident I’d be one of the last surviving members of humanity as I scrounged the countryside for supplies while enjoying some wholesale zombie slaughter along the way. I’m handy with most firearms from pistols to rifles, to a trusty shotgun capable of turning a fearsome zombie into a puddle of flesh puree.  I would also enjoy employing any number of improvised and hand to hand weaponry, such as various garden tools, sporting equipment and medievel weaponry.  Ever see a zombie get hit in the head with a mace? I think it would be awesome.

Zombie killing prowess aside, I think in a certain light I’d really enjoy the post apocalyptic zombie infested lifestyle.  You could run around, meet up with other merry bands of zombie killing survivors, find new and interesting places to explore that were formerly off limits. More importantly, you’d be free to take and use whatever you could get your hands on. Perhaps, I could spend the afternoon, strapping samurai swords to the side of a brand new Ferrari or Lamborghini, and racing up and down an abandoned highway slicing zombies in half,  or driving a monster truck over endless piles of burnt wreckage squishing zombies under my oversized tires. Or, if I were in the mood for some downtime I could enjoy a gourmet canned dinner and watch any movie I pleased on the most gigantic television made on permanent loan from the local electronics store.

Sure, life may be lonely, but if Hollywood is any guide it wouldn’t be long before I encountered an insanely hot female survivor to hang around with, and sure, there would be those spooky moments when you have to go outside in the dead of night in the middle of a zombie infested wasteland to retrieve something important, but life without an adrenaline rush isn’t worth living and I’m fairly sure a zombie hasn’t been made yet that could take me down.  The zombie apocalypse
would be a great time.

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The members of Cru Jones Society are ready to throw down with people who spit piss poor game from their mouths for a living, and apparently the undead. Now let’s see who a few of our readers would step into the Octagon with. That’s right, this is our question and we’re into MMA, so these are all going down in the Octagon.

Keithage went with a historic route while CassieB decided there were more host on cable news that needed a good thrashing.

Keithage: I’d take on Napoleon.  It’d be easy, like fighting a midget.  Take that you snooty Frenchy.  Plus I could punch him in his ulcer.

CassieB: Round 1: Suze Orman

I am sure she would kick my ass, but I would love to get her in the ring, burn dollar bills in her face, throw gold bricks at her back and later enjoy my Venti Double Shot Extra Foam Decaf 170 degree latte that I paid $6.00 for (no, that is not really what I drink).  That woman is absolutely ridiculous.  For someone who preaches money saving techniques, she sure has a lot of useless CRAP available to purchase on her website!  And god, that woman needs a new haircut!

Round 2: Ann Coulter

For some reason this chick thinks she is hot.  Does she know she looks like a tranny? (no offense to transvestites in the audience)  I consider myself to be conservative, but this chick not only gives conservatives a bad name, but she also gives women a bad name.  And after Suze Orman, we need no help in this category.  Do I think I could kick her ass?  Probably, but only after I had been trained for several weeks prior by Michelle Obama.

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Nothing like a good old cat fight to get everyone pumped up and ready for tonight’s main event. Despite our giant egos, we did the right thing and made the main event the fight that would be the most enjoyable.

Deuce: This is going to sound strange but I think I would like to box my dad circa 1973. It’s not that I have anything against my dad or anything like that, in fact I love him very much and he is a very positive influence over the man and father I have become. I imagine it going down mostly like when Rocky fights Apollo the second time in the empty training room just to see. In 1973, my dad would have been the same age as I am now and I think it would be interesting to see how I stack up against him. I expect that all of us, at one point were doing something with our dads (probably playing some sort of sport) and all of a sudden he flashed some amazing speed or uncanny awesomeness that you had never seen before and would rarely see again. In that moment you (I) realized that your dad was going easy on you all the previous times you competed (at touch football in the front yard) to keep you from being discouraged and then he would gradually up the intensity as a method of making you better. It stunned me to see that my dad really had another gear he could utilize and that is what I would like to go up against. I feel like afterwards, we would both sit down in the ring, back to back, laugh about the bout and crack open two Coors Lights. We would then alternate between enjoying the refreshment and putting the cold bottles on our bruised eyes.

Like Vader vs. Luke or Lorenzo Lamas vs. A.J. Lamas, there is nothing quite as epic as watching a father and son duke it out. You bet we’ll be front row to watch Uno and Deuce go toe to toe.

Since we have all flexed our muscles and our strength we now want to do a complete one-eighty and dig into your softer side. We want to know what movie made, or makes you cry? Everyone’s got something, and if you’re an emotional little bitch like Dagger, you’ve got a few somethings. Don’t be shy, we won’t make fun, just let us know what gets you choked up.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Hart and Dagger