Interesting Text Message
Hi everyone. Yes, I’m back and I’m now hitched. Lady E and I had a tremendous wedding, and an even better honeymoon. I’m sure stories from each of those events will come out over time, but for now, they’re just for us. But fear not, we have for you an in-depth mythological examanition of supernatural phenomena – a question that has plagued scholars and historians for decades – in its place. Enjoy!
Dagger: Do you think vampires poop?
Hart: Yes. I don’t think blood is their only source of nutrients. It’s just that additional thing they need to survive.
Dagger: Really? When have you EVER seen a vampire eat?
Hart: When have you ever seen a vampire? Watching people or vampires eat isn’t exactly riveting. Also, wasn’t Travolta eating in the SNL sketch?
Dagger: I don’t remember the sketch, but you’d think somewhere in the giant mythology of vampires we’d see a dude eating a sandwich or a celery stick or something.
Hart: A celery stick? Like the vampire’s victim is an order of buffalo wings? So you think vampires stay retard strong solely from blood?
Dagger: Well, it’s not from food. In 3000 years in the whole vampire universe, we’ve never seen one eat. Riddle me this: How are zombies so retard strong?
Hart: I don’t know. But they do eat more than just blood.
Dagger: Wrong. Answer: All undead people are retard strong. It’s just a benefit of being undead. The blood thing is the sole proviso in the vampire contract. It’s like agreeing to water a guy’s plants when you look after his awesome house for the weekend.
Hart: You mean Count Chocula has never tried the cereal he hocks?
Dagger: Of course not. He doesn’t need to. The sugar and chocolate is used to lure dumbass kids to be killed for sport in his giant cereal mansion.
Hart (forwarded from KGB text service): In theory, no. Most of a vampire’s bodily functions cease. If they ingest food they immediately puke.
Dagger: Booya.
Hart: In theory!
Hart (the next day via email):
Dagger: What in God’s name is that? Corn? I realize you’re proving a point here, but look at that picture. REALLY look at it. And tell me if you can figure out what the hell it’s supposed to mean, because devoid of any other context, this picture makes absolutely no sense.
Hart: Look at all the pictures of vampires eating corn!
Dagger: Dude, this is clearly the work of the powerful corn lobby. They want us to eat corn because corn ethanol as fuel shat the bed so spectacularly, they need money again. This doesn’t prove anything. The corn lobby might as well by the Bilderbergs in terms of how much ridiculous power they try to wield.
20 Oct 2009 E Dagger