Cru Jones Society

Halloween season is upon us and seeing all the costumes got me thinking about people who were costumes all year around, no not actors, or police officers, or athletes; I’m talking about super heroes. It has been a while since I nerded the place up and I figure it was time to do it. What I have here are four things that have always bothered me about the Marvel Comics Universe. Now it’s clobberin’ time so let’s get to it.

The Double Standard

Not only do most of the characters in the Marvel Universe live on the same planet, many of them live in the same city. Yet within this close proximity to each other, and often fighting the same evil doers the heroes are treated differently.

The clearest example of this is with the X-Men. Yeah I get the analogy and the idea they are the new face of racism. They have become a scapegoat for the government to pin the problems of a nation on. They are freaks that people do not understand and so they are feared. Yet not far from where most of the X-Men reside we find the Fantastic Four, another group of freaks fighting evil and injustice. But despite their appearance and ability to cause accidental damage they are not seen as a threat like the X-Men but rather saviors of a city already inhabited by many other costumed heroes.

While many X-Men lack any sort of physical abnormalities that would distinguish them as mutants, the Fantastic Four have a rock monster and a flying ball of fire.  People were afraid of Rocky Dennis based on the way he looks, which isn’t much different than how The Thing looks, and the Thing could easily crush a bitch. But people still cheer.

There are really two types of heroes in the Marvel Universe, those who were born with powers like the X-Men and those who developed powers some other way. Both are essentially people who have had their DNA mutated in some fashion. I am reminded of South Park when Timmy and Jimmy rally against Christopher Reeve for not being born a cripple but for becoming one later in life by accident.

I don’t care when or how someone got their power, if they are willing to save my life I am all for them. I am an equal opportunist when it comes to my life being saved.

Astronomical Cost

By this point we are well aware there are people who exist who have incredible powers and not all of these people are law abiding. Many attempt to use their powers for evil gains. When this happens the ones who use their powers for good generally capture and imprison them. The problem here is normal jails can not be used to house people who could destroy the prisons. Thus there must be special jails that exist.

Senor Limon and I had a long conversation about this one night. Specifically about the prison for the mutants. To have an actual prison with cells and such to hold mutants would take a lot of technology as each cell would have to be specifically designed to control each mutant’s powers. For instance the non-metal jail used in X2 to hold Magneto would not be enough to hold someone like Nightcrawler. A jail designed to nullify every mutant power would never be cost efficient.  Yet somehow these prisons continue to pop up in the comics. Who is footing this bill? Is it the tax payers or some private investors?

Then there is the idea of the power stabilizing collars used on the island of Genosha. It is an electronic collar that takes away mutant powers. Most likely these are more cost effective than an entire prison, but probably still pricey. Limon and I never talked about whether these were battery operated or how they stay charged. Maybe the collars are not as great at controlling as they initially seemed. There is also the cost of research and development for such collars. Limon assumed this cost should come from the Department of Homeland Security budget, but hey that’s still our taxes.

I suppose it is bad form to just make sure the heroes kill the bad guys as opposed to sending them to jail. Numerous legal and moral issues I guess and the whole thing about setting good examples for children. Whatever. As long as I am not paying the taxes for these super jails.

Location

One of the biggest reasons I always believed Marvel was superior to DC was the fact that the Marvel heroes were put into real cities. I understand now that places like Metropolis and Gotham City were meant to represent any city world wide. I now realize this is a better way to go. In the Marvel Universe the majority of American heroes are chilling on the east coast. New York City has the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Spider-Man to name a few, and really the Avengers is like an eight man group. And the X-Men are just next door in Washington, D.C. I understand New York has a large population and it would take more than just a few heroes to keep the city safe, but if the super heroes kept to fighting the super villains and terrorists and such and leave the petty stuff to the cops, there were would be fewer needed.

I am really just upset there are no super heroes patrolling the city I love. I know New York and D.C. and big important cities, but there are other important things across this country that could use some added protection. The gold supply at Ft. Knox, NORAD in Colorado, I’m sure California has something important. Maybe if there had been super heroes in Dallas Kennedy would still be alive, or at least alive past the age of 46. Let’s get the entire country protected not just the east coast. We learned long ago the earth is round and many evil doers can circumnavigate the globe and in the words of Dagger doing his Droopy Dog impression, “Hit it from the back door.”

Ineptitude

Despite the fact that most of those with super powers are scientist and are able to think and track people like they’re detectives, there seems to be a lot of common sense lacking, mainly from the bad guys. These guys all have powers and abilities on par with the heroes, yet they are bested time and time again. Usually there is one minor slip that leads to their downfall.

Now I’m no evil villain and I have no desire to attempt any of the things they try to get away with, world domination and such, but if I were I would plan out a whole lot more. Then again I tend to over plan the tiniest things in my own life. I seem to have my breakfast thought out more thoroughly than a criminal Kingpin, with tons of money and people at his disposal , has anything short of his clothes planned out.

If these villains had their act together they would realize the middle of the country is super hero free and may serve as a better base of operations. They could go on longer undetected. I am sure to pull of any scheme worth anything they will have to venture out to the east, but there’s no reason to draw excess attention by doing all the unnecessary grunt work in the middle of a bunch of super hero headquarters.

But the villains are not the only ones not following through. The villains are caught but eventually they are freed and the whole song and dance begins again. I suppose this isn’t all the heroes’ fault, the American justice system does play a role. Part of it may have to do with heroes protecting their identities. This could pose a few problems during the whole prosecution of the villains. This is never brought up. The villains just go to jail and never face a trial of any sort. The ACLU probably has a field day with this.

I have to bring up my idea from earlier; the heroes have to just start killing the villains when given the opportunity. Serves them right when they have to battle the same guy again and again. With fewer villains to fight heroes like Spider-Man can stop complaining about how being a super hero is interfering with his personal life.

If these things could be addressed and fixed, I would enjoy comics a lot more. But writing all these things out made me realize that what I really want is for Frank Miller to write all the comics. Or maybe I should grow up and leave the comics with their flaws and all with the rest of my childhood. Yeah right. That’s not going to happen. So I guess I had better just suck it up and suspend my disbelief a little more.

See ya at the comic book store, or not because you’re cooler than that…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com