Cru Jones Society

Halloween is in two days, CJS Regulars, and if you don’t have your costume figured out by now… well, you’re pretty much screwed. You can head on down to the costume store that’s open 2 months a year, but you’re bound to find a ravaged store with only a few aerosol cans of green hair dye, a plastic reaping scythe, and a plus-sized Caribou Barbie costume from last year that’s already been torn open. Should’ve planned in advance! 

As we did last year, we’re here to take you through this year’s selection of dumbest costumes and instead of handing out individual awards to them, we’re counting down the worst, weirdest, and weeniest out there. We’ve got 21 dorkalicious getups to get through here (10 male, 10 female, 1 couples costume – all found at Halloweencostumes.com), so let’s not delay any further. Let the countdown commence!

21. Jackie Moon

Upside: In the Will Ferrell universe, some characters get much more Halloween love than others. You’re doing your best to bring light to the multitude of other creations in the Will Ferrell canon. Plus, no one else will ever dress as this character!

Downside: No one else will ever dress as this character because Semi-Pro pretty much sucked. You’re dressed as the lead character from a movie that didn’t make any money and that no one likes. Congratulations. Have fun explaining this to everyone all night.

Final Thought: If you want to buck the trend of everyone dressing as Ron Burgundy and take your Will Ferrell style Halloween in a different direction, just wear normal dad-style clothes and have fake banal conversations with everyone you come across. Randomly yell at no one in particular, “Brandon! Get off the damn shed! I will downsize your face with a shovel if you don’t get off the damn shed!” Then go back to the conversation like nothing happened. You’ll win the evening.

20. Sexy Female Indiana Jones

Upside: Slightly warmer than a Lara Croft outfit. You get to carry a whip for, you know, whippin’ suckas. Indiana Jones is one of the coolest characters of all-time, and you finally get your take on him. Plus, it’s way better than playing Kate Capshaw or Karen Allen all night and being relegated to nothing more than irritating shrieking.

Downside: From a pure nerd standpoint, the heels on those boots don’t seem all that sensible for everything Indy has to accomplish in his boots. The skirt seems prone to fly up while you’re tossing chump slave drivers off a bridge, and where you gonna keep the Holy Grail when you got a whip in one hand on your hat in the other? This is wholly impractical!

Final Thought: Any tribute to Indiana Jones (hooker-ish or otherwise) is okay with me. And hey, if it’s a tribute to Indiana Jones where I don’t have to think about Harrison Ford’s old balls tapping Calista Flockhart on the balloon knot while he’s huffing away in the missionary position, all the better.

19. Tavern Man

Upside: So, you’re “Tavern Man” according to this costume which means… I have no idea what the hell that’s supposed to mean. This looks like a medieval guy who fancies himself a mug of ale. Outside of those gaudy buckles on the shoes and that stringy ass hair, this appears to be a ridiculously comfortable costume.

Downside: People will either think you’re that meathead Brom Bones from the Ichabod Crane mythology, or maybe some reject villager from Shrek come to life. Whatever the case, you look like a bit player from the local community theater troupe. That’s a good look for anyone.

Final Thought: If you’re actually going through with this costume, go full bore with it and play it over the top cheesy like Jim Carrey at Medieval Times in The Cable Guy. Walk up to the bartender and say, “Dost thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate. He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has a king’s thirst for the frosty brew thou might have for thus. My thanks to you, fair maiden.” And then see how long it takes someone to kick your ass. Vegas has set the over/under at 4 minutes. Take the under.

18. Munchkin Coroner

Upside: Awesome robe. Boss hat. Get to carry around a Certificate of Death for a witch (it IS Halloween, you know). If you’re short, you’ve finally found a costume you’re tall enough for. If you’re tall, you’re good too because the coroner was taller than everyone else who lived in Munchkinland anyway.

Downside: None. This costume rules.

Final Thought: Yeah, yeah, Ilove The Wizard of Oz. Shoot me. The munchkin coroner is the perfect costume though because while it’s an obscure character, everyone’s seen this movie at least 10 times in their life, so when you say what you are, they all eventually nod in recognition. And not that fake recognition either where someone’s just trying to end the conversation, real recognition. Gotta love that real recognition there.

17. Female Robin

Upside: If you’re a dude, you can finally dress up as Batman and have a cool sidekick without everyone making gay jokes at you all night. If you’re a woman, your superhero choices are generally limited to either lesser known characters (Elektra), characters turned into awful movies (Catwoman), or pregnant chicks who don’t actually exist in real life (Most Fruitful Yuki). Robin at least gets you part of the way there.

Downside: Are you kidding? Robin’s a wiener. He’s an acrobat whose parents die and becomes all emo about it to the point he moves in with a millionaire and fights crime with him. Women should aim higher than emulating wimpy ass Robin. I’d like to see a female Flash. That way you might have a chance of not being the first one to nut for once.

Final Thought: If a woman dresses up as a female version of Robin… fine. If she makes wild, non-sensical exclamations during whatever party you’re at… excellent. If she quotes anything Burt Ward said in the original Batman movie… marry her.

16. 1930s Gangster

Upside: A 1930s gangster is always fun to do no matter who you are. You get to wear a cool hat. You get to carry a gun (or guns). And you can spend the party talking like Edward G. Robinson (think Chief Wiggum for those of you not as hip). Before gangsters were big fat Italians or black dudes wearing pants that don’t fit, they had style. On Halloween, you could have some style…

Downside: …Except that you paid $30 for a fake pinstripe suit from a costume website instead of just buying a real one and getting yourself a pimpin’ hat to accent your purchase. It’s not that hard to gangsterize an otherwise normal-looking suit, yet there are people who would rather purchase a fake one than man up and buy themselves a quality ensemble. I don’t get it.

Final Thought: This is a corollary to the soccer uniform last year. Forget the costume shop and just buy yourself a suit. Not only will you have it for future use, you can easily re-accessorize it for use at Halloween each year. Besides everyone should own at least one suit. Yes, that means you too.

15. Cheshire Cat

Upside: You get to engage your friends in amusing, and sometimes vexing conversation, appear and disappear at will, and annoy or baffle them with philosophical points. And it’s all in character! I must say, when you add a group of people who have been drinking to this equation, you could have one of the funnest nights of your entire life dropping gems from Foucault and Erasmus and then disappearing randomly while their drunken brains try to figure out what the hell you’re talking about.

Downside: You’re a grown man wearing what amounts to a giant onesie at an event with other adults. And unless you’re a cute girl who didn’t have time to think of real costume, if you dress as a cat of any type, you might as well just give up.

Final Thought: There are better ways to annoy everyone with philosophy than to dress up in pajamas and sprout fur out of your sleeves. Just go to graduate school. Ba-zing!

14. Sexy Tin Woman

Upside: If a guy you don’t want to talk to keeps blabbering away, just use the “oil can” line on him until he gets you another drink. Then use your axe to bludgeon him to death. You can learn the song, perform it for everyone you’re with and still somehow sound less effeminate than Jack Haley.

Downside: Use the wrong makeup and suddenly you’re dying like Buddy Ebsen.

Final Thought: Yeah, there’s a lot of Wizard of Oz references in here, so what? But I like this. If gay dudes can co-opt Dorothy, why can’t women branch out and become their own versions of the male characters? Granted, apparently they can’t do it without looking like they’re off to shoot a themed porno, but hey, progress is progress. Right?

13. Sexy Eskimo

Upside: Those boots, that hat, and the velour mini-dress will help you stay warm during the always icy cold Halloween night without giving up any of that requisite Halloween skankiness. You’re multi-cultural. You could add an extra layer (of subtle racism?) to this costume by eating an Eskimo Pie. You’ll be hotter (and probably less drunk) than any Eskimo ever basically no matter who you are.

Downside: The term “sexy Eskimo” is an oxymoron. God forbid you run into any real Eskimos because god knows the only thing you know about Eskimos is what you saw in the movie North and that movie is horrible.

Final Thought: This is yet another in the long line of “sexy _____” costumes available to women. Never thought of this one before now, and if you’ve ever been to Alaska, you know why.

12. Captain Jack Sparrow

Upside: If you’re doing the impression correctly, no one will know when you’re drunk. Being a pirate gives you license to kiss wenches, steal whatever you need, and stick a knife through someone’s curtains as you slide down them without repercussions (not guaranteed by CJS). Not into bathing? Cool! A pirate smells like the inside of a whale’s ass anyway, so just tell everyone you’re going for authenticity.

Downside: The last Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out two years ago, and the next one’s not due out until 2011. So you’re in something of Bermuda Triangle of relevancy. You’ll have to go through a series of convoluted double crosses throughout the night and no one will know what the hell’s happening. By the third movie, Captain Barbossa was a better character.

Final Thought: If you’re really into rum, go as Jack Sparrow and finally no one will look at you funny for carrying it around with you everywhere.

11. Auntie Em

Upside: Instead of following in the footsteps of drag queens everywhere, you’re actually choosing a non-Judy Garland Halloween costume from The Wizard of Oz – excellent outside the box thinking. Non-revealing dress cut means you can wear your comfy undies all night. Handy cap there in case you drink too much and need a quick place to vomit and can’t make it to the bathroom/back porch/nearest potted plant in time.

Downside: Well, you’ve chosen to be a dirt farming, tee totaling dried up old hunk of crow bait on one of the best nights of the year to have freaky sex with a stranger. Nice job.

Final Thought: It seems the only reason to choose this costume would be if you have a sex addiction and want to remain monogamous with a new boyfriend who’s inconveniently gone out of town for Halloween while your gay friends all want to go as characters from The Wizard of Oz. If you’re looking to guarantee yourself a night of no sex (or are above the age of 65 – same thing), this is YOUR costume.

10. Lock & Key

Upside: You and your lady get to show off what a “funny” couple you are with your “witty” costume and it’s “Freudian undertones” for a “bare minimum of expense” as everyone at the “party” laughs at your “hysterical” costume without “rolling their eyes.”

Downside: Ugh. I hate visual puns.

Final Thought: On a more practical note, can you imagine walking around with that giant key jutting out of your midsection all night? You’d be knocking everything over and bumping into people, and people’d ask you to put it in your wife’s lock all night. This sounds like the least fun you could ever have at a Halloween party without zipping up your manhood in your zipper, as I did in 2003.

9. Female Penguin

Upside: You and your friends get to re-enact Billy Madison all night and annoy everyone else at the party. You’re not going to get cold in that giant suit, plus, y’know, you’re a penguin, so in the proper frame of mind you’ll kick the cold of this Halloween square in the nuts. Penguins mate for life, so make sure to lay that on any one-night stand you bag that night, ladies.

Downside: On the other hand, you’re wearing a giant, frumpy penguin costume, so your chances of actually getting that one night stand are totally nil. Penguins walk funny and so do you. You’re wearing a bow tie for some reason, which means not only are you a penguin, you’re a snooty penguin too.

Final Thought:  Happen upon a group of stoners and you’re golden in this thing allowing you a clear path to steal their candy and maybe their weed. Happen upon the right guy, and maybe the two of you can crawl in this thing together and have a little freaky penguin sex. Happen upon a magic lamp and maybe those first two things come true because you look like a complete dork wearing this.

8. Santa Claus

Upside: You’ve got your Santa suit all ready for that part time gig at the mall come Thanksgiving. You’ll stay appropriately warm as Jack Frost nips at your nose. No one gives a damn if you’re fat. No one gives a crap if you shave. You’ll probably get girls to sit on your lap.

Downside: $269? Jesus! What’s this suit made of? Bald eagles? And who the hell goes to Halloween dressed as Santa? Christmas already impinges upon enough of the calendar, let the rest of us have Halloween. It’s our bon voyage party to the time before the red and green menace monopolizes our winter.

Final Thought: The only way this works is if you dress as the Santa from those Silent Night, Deadly Night movies. But since no one’s seen those movies, this costume just doesn’t work.

7. Queen Amidala

Upside: It’s a new generation, so an appropriate amount of forward motion in our Star Wars iconography is only appropriate. Natalie Portman is hot.

Downside: Your boyfriend probably talked you into this and despite what I said above about progress, you’re still dressed as the inferior character. And you had to spend 45 minutes putting all that stupid makeup on too. Considering the prequels all sucked, you really should have gone as Leia.

Final Thought: You know what, if you’re going to spend all that time putting makeup on to dress as a character from one of the Star Wars prequels, do us all a favor and go as Darth Maul, who, even though he was a bitch and got killed in the first movie, at least looked totally badass.

6. Officer Donut

Upside: Under that big ol’ donut costume, you could probably keep real donuts and maintain sustenance during a long, boozy party. Plus, who doesn’t love donuts? Since it’s Halloween, everyone’s off their diet, and you can probably score some points with nearby women by handing them something other than candy or GHB for once.

Downside: You’ve plunged to the lowest vestiges of Halloween costumes: Situational slice of life commentary. This is the Halloween equivalent of naming your barbershop quartet “The B-Sharps.” I thought there were no new ways to further exploit the “cops love donuts” jokes, but I was wrong. Halloween was the last one. Congratulations world, you’ve proven me wrong again. You can continue to be even less funny than I initially thought.

Final Thought: If you think this costume is funny, kill yourself. This is the opposite of funny, and Mark Twain is probably trying to light himself on fire in the afterlife seeing what humor has become in the 21^st century.

5. Woodstock Asshole

Upside: Those groovy threads look like they breathe easily, so you can move easily wherever you go, man. You can listen to The Doors free of shame even though you know they’re impossibly overrated for one night. If no one digs your costume, ditch all but the afro, put on some jeans and a blue shirt with the top two buttons undone and go as Bob Ross.

Downside: Again, just by some real hippie clothes. You can go down to the ARC and find whatever you need for less than ten bucks instead of sending away to some stupid costume wholesaler. Or, failing that, just cover yourself in mud, pretend you’re high on mushrooms and give everyone a real Woodstock experience.

Final Thought: I’ve never liked hippies, and even though I was born 12 years after Woodstock, I feel like if I have to hear one more half-baked idiot wax nostalgic about the era of free love, I’m going on a killing spree.  I don’t give a crap about Woodstock. Please just let it die, you baby boomer assholes.

4. Sexy Judy Jetson

Upside: For a teenage cartoon character from the 1970s, Judy Jetson seemed remarkably attainable. She had a cool girl next door quality, and considering her father was an inept, neurotic schlemiel, you probably had a good shot of getting to second base with her without consequence. Plus, look at the cans on that model!

Downside: No one under the age of 25 will have any idea who in the hell this is.

Final Thought: The only thing that’s weird about this costume is Judy’s gray hair. What the hell caused it to gray so quickly? Or is that just a normal shade of hair color in the time of the Jetsons? Will we have the option of going gray in 2062 for fashion purposes? And if so, who would want this? Look at those cans!

3. Dr. Howie Feltersnatch

Upside: None. You’re a douche bag.

Downside: I thought there was nothing lower than situational slice of life commentary, but I was wrong. A juvenile play on words from middle school is way worse. Ignoring the last name “Feltersnatch” (Jesus.) for a moment, and I wonder: Would you trust a doctor who goes by the name “Howie”? I thought not. Howie’s what you name your teddy bear, your Boston Terrier, or your taint. Also your dumbass fake doctor’s lab coat. And that’s it.

Final Thought: Instead of wearing this lab coat with the vaguely misogynistic and oddly anti-Semitic name on it, your time will be better spent staying home on Halloween strategizing how to handle that sexual harassment claim you’re trying to beat at work. What was that bitch’s problem anyway? You’re a funny guy and you were just joking!

2. Scary Tree

Upside: You can probably hide in the woods and freak out unsuspecting trick-or-treaters as they pass by if you do a good enough job of standing still. You get to wear cool, Marine-style face paint. People will probably get you beers because you, um, can’t move that well considering you’re a tree.

Downside: Dogs will try to piss on you. Retarded little kids will try to climb you. People will throw things at you. And what are you going to do about it? Look at how your legs move. You’re not chasing them. You’re not going anywhere. You have to take it because you’re a lowly tree. Remember what happened to The Giving Tree? And that was a good tree. Think about what’ll happen to your lowly ass.

Final Thought: If you’re not really into moving, this costume could be right up your alley. Just stand around casually, get a nice mellow drunk going and then piss in your costume. Hey, why not? It’s not like you’ll ever wear this stupid thing again. Might as well piss on a tree from the inside for once.

1. Yellow Brick Road

Upside: Outside of Route 66 or maybe the Oregon Trail, you’re the most famous road ever. Like a woman’s thighs, you lead somewhere majestic. You’re the final reference in what has turned out to be an excessive collection of costumes from The Wizard of Oz.

Downside: You’re dressed as a road. You have no self esteem.

Final Thought: This is without a doubt the worst thing you could possibly be (except for the guy who wore those pants that looked like they were urine stained last year). You’re a road. People drive on you. People spit on you. You’re what people hit and what everyone complains about if you’re anything less than perfect. Yeah, you may be the Yellow Brick Road, and you may have your own song, but you’re still a damn road. Have some self-respect and at least go as one of the flying monkeys or something. At least those have a soul.

edagger@crujonessociety.com