Not sure if I’m attracted to her or grossed out by her 

In this go-go, fast paced world it has become to quick and easy to hit up a fast food joint for the no hassle meal. I have found I make this experience quicker by never ordering something new from the menu. Seems a bit odd when it comes to places like Taco Bell that has a new product every week, they’re inventing something new, kind of, why shouldn’t I try it? Generally I like to try new things, mainly with my beer, but for whatever reason at fast food places I fear venturing away from the unfamiliar. What follows are my choices from these beacons of obesity. Now let’s super size this sucka and avoid anything new.

Burger King

Somebody get some special sauce!

In the place I live now there is not a close Burger King which has been a godsend. Not that I don’t like Burger King, but I often feel the worse after eating at BK than I do at other places. I hesitantly use the term guilty pleasure, but BK really is. I always enjoy the idea of eating, and I enjoy it while I’m eating it, but when I am done I always regret eating it. And I know I will feel this way every time Burger King becomes an idea, and yet I still follow through. In that aspect it is sort of like masturbation.

But because I am some kind of masochist I continue to go there, I have inadvertently set up a tradition that it is my first meal after returning from vacation, or before I board the plane at the end of vacation. Now I’m conditioned and landing in Colorado water’s my mouth for BK like Pavlov’s dog.

I have over the years slightly altered my menu choice from this place. It used to be the Whopper, now it’s the Whopper Jr. It’s smaller and I don’t feel as bad after eating it. I don’t think I have ever tried anything different from Burger King ever. Other places I have explored at least once or twice, but have stuck with the Whopper or Whopper Jr. since my first time there.

Wendy’s

mmm…mmm…bitches love chicken!

Wendy’s is probably my favorite fast food eatery. I will definitely go there more than any other place. I also find it to be the place that best prepares me for a night of drinking. I don’t know what it is about Wendy’s, but when I eat there before drinking, my hangover is much less severe. The usual suspect in the hangover cure is the spicy chicken sandwich. Also it is just a tasty sandwich. That is always my first choice. Wendy’s has a way with chicken and the spicy adds that extra awesome.

There are a times, however, when I am feeling cheap, or I want some bacon. In which case nothing satisfies like the Jr. bacon cheeseburger. Even though they have reduced the size, it is still a fantastic burger. When we were in Vegas, a few of the guys got the Baconator. I’m not going to lie, I was intimidated. And even though Vegas is the one place to try new things and go big, I still had to stick with the spicy chicken.

Wendy’s is the one place I would be willing to explore the menu, but I still don’t do it. Why screw with what works?

Taco Bell

Tacos!!!!

I just asked why screw with what works, but with Taco Bell my go to choice stopped working when I developed ulcerative colitis. And I found that out the hard way. The 7 layer burrito was always my favorites and I never left a Taco Bell without one. But its layer of beans, layer of weirdo imitation sour cream, and layer of something that surprisingly passes as guacamole do not get a long with my intestinal tract. I have been trying to find a new standard at the old Taco Bell, because let’s face it, nothing is more satisfying than Taco Bell after a long night of drinking, except for those tremendous gyros from the street vendor in Old Town Ft. Collins. That line was always so long, but it was totally worth it.

I have been going with a couple taco supremes, but that’s never enough. I need at least one more item. I’d like to hear what other people like from Taco Bell and maybe I can finally set my menu.

McDonald’s

Look at dem buns

What would this list be without the behemoth and king of fast food, Mickey D’s, besides healthier? I don’t go here often because I do value what goes into my body a little bit. Most of my trips to McDonald’s are for breakfast, and when I’m awake in time for that, I’m usually on my way to work and don’t have time to stop by. But man oh man do I enjoy that sausage egg Mcmuffin with cheese. For those times after 10:30 am when I get that hankering (hankering?) for McDonald’s it is for one of two things, a Big Mac or Chicken McNuggets. About once every two months or so I get a craving for a Big Mac, I’m not really sure why. And every couple of times when I make that run for a Big Mac I’ll get there and see the McNuggets and I think to myself, “Hmmm let’s get those instead.”

Carl’s Jr. has recently come out with a new burger that is a knock off of the Big Mac. It boasts that it has more beef than a Big Mac. Being a place I rarely visit, I have not been pleased with them since I went there in high school, and thus I have no regular order, I wanted to see what their Big Carl was like. I was very disappointed. Much like your girlfriend, I was satisfied with less beef. The Big Carl had way too much and I felt ill after eating half of it. I may not being doing that well in math, but I believe that eating only half of a sandwich with twice as meat really means I ate the same amount of meat. It is usually better to avoid imitators.

I bring up the Big Carl only to demonstrate a major reason I don’t try something else on the menu. I am already fairly upset I am eating fast food and if I getting something that sucks I will just be that much more angry with my life.

Maybe I should be more willing to try new things. But I can’t help but to agree with Garth, I fear change, and I will not hesitate to hammer the hell out of an animatronic hand. Having these set standards comes in very handy when someone is making a run. Just bam, you know what you want and it is hassle free. Overall though I think I stick to the same things as a way to maintain some control in my life. We exist in a world that is constantly changing. A lot of these changes can have powerful negative effects on us. Having some control helps feel like there are some things I can count on and life seems a bit less crazy. We turn to food for comfort, and it is easier to be comforted by what we know and what we like.

You’re doing it wrong!

 See ya in the drive thru…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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