Don’t you hate pants 

I was at a wedding this past weekend, a very lovely event. I was rocking my suit, looking like money, like the bomb and having a gay old time. The drinks were flowing, the music was bumping, and the dace floor was calling. But there was one thing bugging. It bugged me since the ceremony, and I even made sure to make a note of it in my phone lest I forget in my drunken drunkenness that would come later. I do not understand nor do I appreciate people who attend weddings but do not dress appropriately.

A lot of people put a lot of time, effort, and money into a wedding. They make painstaking decisions to make sure everything looks fantastic and it is all spoiled by some jackass in jeans. This is a classy event, many times part of it taking place before God in his house. I’m not asking for your best Pope vestments, but there should be some respect shown.

I was only a guest at the wedding and when I would see these people underdressed I was angered. I can only imagine the bride and groom looking at these people and thinking, “We fought with our parents about inviting you. We barely know you and assumed you would embarrass us. But we invited you and now you’re here dressed like you’ve come from a Rocky Horror Picture Show type showing of a Larry the Cable Guy’s Christmas Spectacular. Hope the money you saved on clothes you put towards our gift you cheap, classless, ass.”

This is not proper attire for a city wedding!

 I want to know what situation would actually call for the following ensemble, which I actually saw this weekend: cowboy boots, jeans, and a mostly white polo with a design that circled the chest. The design was a kind of boxy southwestern shape with a sky surrounding horses. The gentleman in this stuck out like a sore thumb. I wish I could say he was the only person there not dressed for a wedding, but there were at least two other men in jeans. At least they had enough sense to tuck in their shirts. Despite that they still looked like idiots. Almost like the poor children in class. You know the ones, you would see them in class and you just knew they were one potato sack wearing day away from child services stepping in.

 I’m not saying everyone needs to be in a suit, but how much trouble is it to get a button down shirt, slacks, and a tie? If I can do it, surely anyone can do it. In fact the kids table was filled with children dressed like they are at a wedding. Sure the children didn’t dress themselves; maybe this is the approach that should be taken with you. Tell you what, sometime before the wedding look at an issue of GQ, you don’t have to buy it, just take a look through. See if the clothes you’re thinking about wearing show up anywhere in the magazine. If they do, feel free to wear it. If not, then make a change.

Am I being a snob? Maybe. But I just feel there are certain times that warrant certain clothes. I don’t care what you do in your spare time, but when you attend the union of two people, they should be honored by you with common decency. How often are you required to dress this nice? It won’t kill you to do it once and a while.

You know you’ve done something wrong when a child is dressed better than you

I remember a wedding I attended a couple summer’s ago where the invite specifically said “formal attire” yet there were still a few people there in jeans. You could at least respect the wishes of the people getting married. After all they did find you worthy enough to be invited to the wedding. I’m sure there are tons of other family members or friends who would love to attend and would show up dressed like they are grateful to be so close with such a happy couple. If I am ever lucky enough to get married, I am enlisting the aide of a night club bouncer. If what you’re wearing isn’t up to the standards of a place filled with a bunch of douche bags and skanks, then it sure isn’t reasonable attire to celebrate the union between me and the woman I love.

I’m sure this will not be the last wedding I attend, nor will it be the last one where I encounter the underdressed wedding guest. These are just one of the many blemishes found in our society.  So if you want to stay off my list, then act like an adult and dress like you have some dignity.

Before attending any formal function heed the advice from ZZ Top, “Every girl is cray ‘bout a sharp dressed man.” And you won’t be the disgrace of the place.

Lookin’ good, gettin’ presents

See ya at the tailor…