Cru Jones Society

 

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Inside this article is the definitive list of correct choices for all three of the basic human desires – foodin’, sexin’, and car-in’. It’s time to find out who is the 2009 Food, Sex, or Cars Master! Should you have any problems with these answers, take it up with us in the comments section, but we’ve run these answers through a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists, cryptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Our word is the last word.

Without further ado, here are the 2009 Food Sex or Cars results!

Round 1 (Badass Edition): A 5-course meal prepared by your favorite Iron Chef America chef VS Megan Fox VS The Aston Martin DB5 from Goldfinger

Everyone nailed this one (except Augie.Maestas, st80umseating, and Ferris), as well they should have. The Iron Chefs make good food, but depending upon the ingredients they use, you could end up eating some unnerving cuisine. We’re pretty sure we overestimated Megan Fox’s “it girl” cache, but everyone’s right, she’s out. The original sex choice was Christina Hendricks from “Mad Men” but we changed it after a lot of debate about who should go here. Would that have changed anyone’s answers? In addition to simply looking cool and driving fast (with the added bonus of once having Sean Connery sit in its confines), the Aston Martin has machine guns, an ejector seat, bullet proof glass, oil slick deployer and a rotating license plate. It’s the originator in terms of cool Bond cars. This was a gift to the Food, Sex or Cars players.

Winner:

Correct answer: abbsmcnabbs, brickfungus, CassieB, chaddymac, Corriander, dettorre, Deuce, Flickerbock, F-U-Natalie, Gutter, jitterrawks, keithage, kristatothemax, R, roxy, salwon, Tron, twodogszk

Round 2 (Bon Temps Edition): New Orleans French restaurant feast (Bill Compton picks up the tab) VS Eric Northman VS Fully-loaded 2010 Lexus ES350

Food Sex or Cars rewards diligence and critical thinking, and only a handful of you did the required work to achieve the correct answer. He’s not just a random “ab guy” or whatever, he’s Eric Northman, a character on “True Blood” who not only has a butt that “if there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down – or cheeks up,” he’s a 1,000 year-old vampire who wears badass suits and sports a devil-may-care attitude. And, if the characters on “True Blood” are to be believed, getting railed by a vampire is probably the most unparalleled experience a person can have in terms of erotic pleasure. Vampire blood (or “V”) instantaneously heals humans, gives them increased libido, and incredible sexual prowess. No French feast or luxury automobile anywhere can possibly stand up to that. We were surprised by how much everyone crapped on the Lexus though. It’s a 2010, it’s fully loaded, and it’s still a $50,000 automobile. Sure, it’s not the answer, but c’mon! Eric wins this for everyone who did their research (Gutter) or got lucky (Tron).

Winner:

Correct answer: CassieB, chaddymac, Ferris, Gutter, Tron, twodogszk

Round 3 (Spicy Dish Edition): Authentic Mexican food cooked by real Mexicans VS Parker Posey VS 1969 Pontiac GTO El Camino

Attention to detail is rewarded once again, and no one said Food, Sex or Cars was easy. This is a Pontiac El Camino meaning it’s likely extremely rare. Chevy normally makes the El Camino, so having the hard-to-place coolness of the El Camino mixed with the DNA of a badass GTO makes this one the runaway winner for those who thought about the question in its highest level of detail. If this were a normal El Camino, the authentic Mexican food would almost certainly win because Mexican food is delicious and the authenticity avoids any unpleasant debate with pretentious people about proper Mexican food. Parker Posey might have been the answer in 2006, but not now. One last sidenote: We’re tempted to give Deuce a special prize for the greatest answer in Food, Sex or Cars history. That was absolutely staggering, sir. The CJS hat is off to you. As for the rest of you: Deuce puts forth an unbelievably detailed dissertation NAILING this car’s ridiculous unique coolness like he’s examining the Zapruder footage of the grassy knoll, and some of you come in afterward and still don’t listen to him and vote for the food. Amazing…

Winner:

Correct answer: chaddymac, dettorre, Deuce, R

Round 4 (Greek Edition): A gyro prepared to your specifications VS Skinny Nia Vardalos VS Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle

Gyros are delicious and in this case (read carefully, kids), you get to have it any way you want and not be deterred if you don’t like lamb, which many of you inexplicably don’t. You can get chicken. You can get beef. You can get extra sauce. It’s your own gyro to personalize! If you’re getting a crotch rocket, you can do better than a clichéd Kawasaki Ninja. As for Nia Vardalos, all we can say is that we’re really bein’ sincere, ‘cause in a 69 Nia’s humpty nose will tickle your rear. And that’s weird. Don’t pass up the simple joy of a tasty gyro for sex that will inevitably lead to an unpleasant confrontation with Nia’s giant Greek family.

Winner:

Correct answer: chaddymac, dettorre, keithage, roxy, salwon

Round 5 (Giada Hums Edition): Breakfast, lunch & dinner prepared by Giada DeLaurentiis VS Morning, noon & night sex with Giada DeLaurentiis VS Fully loaded 2008 Hummer H2

If you’re driving a Hummer H2 in 2009, you’re probably an asshole. Or a rapper. And in that case, you already have one. So that’s out. How can someone be wholesome and sexy at the same time? We don’t know, and although Giada’s food always looks incredibly tasty, you’d be a fool to pass up the naked hump-hump with the first and only sexy-wholesome woman that exists in real life and the first person in the entire entertainment milieu in general to pull it off since Elyse Keaton in “Family Ties.” Sex with Giada. That even just sounds cool.

Winner:

Correct answer: CassieB, chaddymac, Deuce, Flickerbock, F-U-Natalie, Gutter, jitterrawks, Keithage, R, salwon, st80umseating, twodogszk

Round 6 (Big Smiles Edition): Lasagna VS Joey Tribbiani from “Friends” VS A jet ski

This one was designed to be tough, but ultimately solvable based on your first instinct. Lasagna is one of those things that when someone says that’s what’s for dinner, you get immediately excited because lasagna almost never tastes bad. And anyone who undertakes the task of cooking a lasagna usually has more than a minimum amount of cooking acumen. In Season 1 of Friends, Joey learns how to “be there for her” which is slang for “perform some oral, son!” so you know he can do his thing with the best of ‘em. He’s a sweet guy and he’s more than accomplished in the sack, but who wants to simply be the 312^th notch in someone’s bedpost? Proven fact: Riding a jet ski at high speed across a lake is in the top 2% of the funnest things you could ever do over the course of your life. Look it up. Jet ski wins.

Winner:

Correct answer: chaddymac, Deuce, Flickerbock, F-U-Natalie, Gutter, jitterrawks, kristatothemax, R, salwon, st80umseating, Tron, twodogszk

Round 7 (Happy Thanksgiving Edition): A Thanksgiving feast you neither have to cook nor clean up after VS 2009 Pam Anderson VS One of those island rental Jeeps with the doors welded shut

Flickerbock mentioned the key component of this one, which is the fact that you have to do nothing to enjoy this feast, you just eat it and digest happily. Pam Anderson would have been the correct answer in 1996, but now she’s all weird looking and afflicted with Hep C. Gross. Welded doors on a Jeep are annoying and would piss you off eventually. Thanksgiving takes this one easily.

Winner:

Correct answer: CassieB, chaddymac, Corriander, Deuce, Flickerbock, F-U-Natalie, Gutter, jitterrawks, keithage, kristatothemax, R, salwon, st80umseating, Tron, twodogszk

Round 8 (Happy Hour Edition): Moderately priced meat and cheese tray with crackers and cocktail (crackers and cocktail not pictured) VS Meredith Vieira from “The Today Show” and “Who Wants to be a Millionaire VS 1997 Toyota Corolla (black))

No one ever actually wants a Toyota Corolla (and yes, it says Corolla for all you people who wrote Camry), you just end up with one at some point in your life. It’s the most boring car ever created. When she’s not dressed like an idiot on the Today Show, Meredith Vieira has cultivated the hot soccer mom look better than almost anyone else on television, and she’s the only one who knows how to ask a decent journalistic question on that show. But, she’s also not smart enough not to get needled by Matt Lauer and that big fat dummy Al Roker which means she’s almost certainly clueless in bed. Eating the moderately priced deli tray means you’re probably on a deck somewhere with friends having a good time in fabulous weather and enjoying pleasing middle class prosperity. That wins hands down.

Winner:

Correct answer: Corriander, keithage, salwon

Round 9 (Revolta Travolta Edition): Soylent Green made of Vinnie Barbarino from “Welcome Back, Kotter” VS Terl from “Battlefield Earth” VS Any car that plays the song “Greased Lightning” every time you drive it whether it has a radio or not

Alright, so we screwed up the wording and picture of this one. Based on what you read, we understand that the answer is the car considering we showed a picture of the actual Greased Lightning and wrote “any car.” What it should have read was: “Every car you ever ride in until the end of time will play ‘Greased Lightning’ regardless of whether it has a radio or not.” And in that case, the answer is more clearly Terl from “Battlefield Earth.” But, we understand the allure of having a theme song for your car and we confused the issue by using a picture of that sweet car from Grease, so we’re disqualifying the question and giving a point to everyone who submitted an answer. Here’s our original explanation:

Soylent Green is people. It’s people! And in this case, you know “the people” it is. CJS has to have ethical standards somewhere, and we say you can’t eat people. You just can’t, okay. The hell is wrong with those of you who voted for this? In the case of the car, we understand the allure of the Grease soundtrack, but listening to that song – or any song, for that matter – over and over again every single time you had to drive anywhere that you had no ability to turn off would lead even a sane person to homicidal rage or restrict them to traveling exclusively by bus and/or foot. Either way: unacceptable. Therefore, the last one standing is that Scientology alien, who, we’ll admit, looks disgusting. And while sex with that would be undoubtedly unpleasant, you’re not eating people and you’re not well on the road to the electric chair after a four-state killing spree. Just grit your teeth and get through the sex with the gross alien. It’s the least of three evils.

Winner:

Correct answer: No one (and therefore everyone who submitted an answer for this round)

Round 10 (Questionable Safety Edition): Leftover taco meat that you can’t remember how long it’s been sitting in the fridge VS Gilbert Grape’s mom from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” VS 1981 Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas

The Pinto will almost certainly kill you. Sex with the grotesquely fat woman will almost certainly kill you too. The taco meat? Maybe. [CJS picks up the wayward Tupperware container and takes a whiff... *sniff sniff*] This meat is probably fine. Just nuke it and kill whatever might be living in there and melt some cheese over it. You’re good. Taco meat it is.

Winner:

Correct answer: CassieB, chaddymac, Deuce, Flickerbock, F-U-Natalie, jitterrawks, keighage, kristatothemax, R, st80umseating, Tron, twodogszk

Let’s see how everyone did:

Augie.maestas:            0

Abbsmcnabbs:             1

Brickfungus:                 2

Ferris:                          2

Roxy:                          2

Dettorre:                     3

Corriander:                 4

Kristatothemax:         5

St80umseating:          5

Thanks for playing, everyone. No prizes for you…

Now let’s see who finished in the money:

In a 7-way tie for 3^rd place, with 6 out of 10 correct:

CassieB

Flickerbock

F-U-Natalie

Gutter

Jitterrawks

Salwon

Tron

Congratulations everyone! You win a nifty CJS Refrigerator Magnet.

In a 4-way tie for 2^nd place, with 7 out of 10 correct:

Deuce

Keithage

R

Twodogszk

Congratulations, fellas. You win a CJS Mousepad. Considering Keithage and R were the crafty veterans and defending champions of Food Sex or Cars, it’s no surprise to see them near the top again. However, they didn’t have what it took to win it all this year.

And our Grand Prize Winner… Winner of a CJS t-shirt and his very own guest column appearing on the Cru Jones Society this December. With an astonishing 9 out of 10 correct… A dark horse who didn’t even compete last year… We present to you, the 2009 Food Sex or Cars Grand Champion:

Chaddymac!!!

Congratulations, sir. You are the newest Food Sex or Cars Master. You’ve harnessed your keen intelligence, gleaned insight that others would never think to utilize, and probably gotten really f*cking lucky on your way to your very own Cru Jones Society guest post and t-shirt.

Thanks to everyone who played. We’ll look forward to seeing you back here in 2010 for the 3^rd Annual Food Sex or Cars competition. Enjoy your Tuesday, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow as CJS kicks off its Best of the 00s Feature.

staff@crujonessociety.com