Cru Jones Society

 

Monday Night Football is on tonight and the Green Bay Packers take on the Baltimore Ravens. Two teams that have names that are not completely dumb. Dealing with local history and daunting, soul eating birds. Unfortunately these are part of a small selection of non-asinine names used by teams or bands. There are a lot so we asked you: What are the best and worst team and band names out there? You responded in full force. So as usual the CJS staff is first and then we follow it up with your responses.

*

Lee S. Hart: The first thing that comes to mind as far as stupid sports names are the ones spelled weird like the Canadiens, though that may be a French Canadian thing. Or the Maple Leafs, that’s not how you pluralize leaf. The teams of Washington D.C. upset me for different reasons. The Nationals and the Capitals, what the hell is that about? I get the connection, but why would you do that? Seriously, the Nationals? Though I should expect as much from a team formally called the Expos. The Browns is a pretty crappy name (get it?) And to round out the big fours of sports, the Nets is a stupid team name too. Naming the team after a part of the basketball hoop, yeah totally retarded.

Only because I think it is fitting for hockey I like the name the Penguins. It’s not intimidating by any means, but it’s an animal native to ice in a sport played on ice.

As far as bands are concerned The Band just seems like a lazy name. I don’t care for the name the Black Eyed Peas, mainly because it makes me think of the restaurant that I went to once and got really sick from and have since associated it with sick and gross. Also I’m not really a fan of naming bands after vegetables.  If you’re going to name your band after a food then choose a more popular food like Cake. It’s like Donkey talking to Shrek, why use onions as a metaphor when you could use parfait, everyone love a parfait.

I think metal bands tend have the best names, or at least the most fitting. Bands like Megadeath or Iron Maiden don’t screw around. You hear their names and you know what you are in store for when you listen to them.

E Dagger: I think about names all the time. I love to analyze a name. A name is in front of everything else. Aside from your very first visual impression of something or someone, the name is the thing you’ll always remember first about anything. And if it isn’t, it should be. Having a lousy name is a failing of the highest order because if your name sucks, you’ll fight an uphill battle for the rest of time as people will always think of your stupid name first, and then everything else second.

And even though BASEketball already made a joke about this, that’s why I find the Utah Jazz just so freaking funny. If you had to pick music to serve as a soundtrack for each state, outside of maybe gangsta rap, you couldn’t pick a more ill-fitting genre for Utah than jazz. You’d probably pick the music of Anne Murray or something. Jazz is cool, it’s laid back, it’s unbelievably creative, and it’s black. In other words, it’s four adjectives no one’s ever used to describe Utah. New Orleans has a basketball team again, and it’s called the Hornets. Are you kidding me? Utah is called the “beehive state.” How did David Stern allow these two teams to live out the sports version of Freaky Friday this long? Fix it!

As a Cub fan it pains me to say that my team has easily one of the dumbest names ever. Why would you name a team after a baby animal? What are you saying to your fan base? We’re immature, cute and cuddly, and won’t ever win anything. Sign me up for season tickets then! I hate the neurotic name changing of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California, USA and wish they’d just pick one and stick with it. I think the Vancouver Canucks have the funniest team name, and if my Canadian friends are accurate, calling your Canadian team the Canucks is akin to naming your Italian soccer team the Venice Goombas.

Your band name should be easy to say, not have any weird grammatical construction attached to it (like the impossible to put in conversation “Of Montreal” or the punctuationally challenged “Panic! At the Disco“), and be something specific. The Beatles is one of the most perfect names ever constructed because it appropriates a simple term, spells it cleverly to play up its musicality, and is easily searchable via internet. Likewise, Metallica is an amazing name that indicates both style of music, and sounds vaguely like the noun form of some violent action (“We were out last night metallicazing cars down by the pier”). Pantera is Spanish for panther and just sounds cool to say.

But my favorite band name is the Mad Caddies because it could mean so many things. Mad is either angry, insane, or many. Caddies is either a group of people who work at a golf course or more than 1 Cadillac. Pair together those many combinations, and any way you slice it, it sounds awesome. There’s good internal rhyme in the name with the “ad” sound, and it’s easy to remember and easy to Google. And if you take mad to mean either “angry” or “insane,” you’ve got a good indicator of a lot of their manic songs. Awesome.

*

We’ve only uncovered the tip of the stupid names ice berg. We’ll let our readers expose a lot more of that ice berg, and you guys did just that and exposed a lot more of the ice berg than we could have expected.

 Chaddymac: As far as the confessional goes: It may be cheesy or nostalgic but I think the best sports mascot, even if it is high school, is and always will be the Demons.  It is everything a mascot is supposed to be, tough, intimidating, and original.  As far as bands go the nerdy engineer in me wants to say Dragonforce, but even that doesn’t compare to Social Distortion since it is original and explains exactly what they are about.

CassieB: Sports teams:

Worst: 

Number one, hands down, is Fort Collins High School Lambkins.  Not only is a lambkin a lamb, but it is a small or young lamb.  It’s almost like having your mascot be a runt of the litter. 

Best:

University of California at Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.  For those of you who live in Colorado, you may be unfamiliar with the Banana Slug.  Basically imagine a slug (gross) and make it the biggest slug you have ever seen (disgusting) and then make it the slimiest slug you have ever felt (so revolting) and imagine it to be bright yellow (vomiting now).  That, my friends, is a banana slug.  They may not be the strongest, or most fierce, but they will surely make you shiver.  I think that is funny, fantastic and worthy of CJS Best Mascot.

Band Names:

Worst:

Limp Bizkit.  This wins as not only the worst band name, but also the worst band ever.  I did a little research on the background of this name, as I had heard rumors about the origin.  According to cracked.com, ”Rumor has it that the name comes from the title of the masturbation game, “limp biscuit,” in which a group of, no doubt, highly intelligent scholars stand around a biscuit and masturbate onto it. The last guy to ejaculate has to eat it. So in a metaphorical way, the American public has been losing this game every time Limp Bizkit released an album.”  That is so gay.  Sidenote: apology to gay people.

Best:

Snoop Dogg.  Apparently Snoop got his name because his mother always said he looked like the cartoon dog, Snoopy.  What a great name, no reason, just cool.

Brad H: First off, let me just say the Washington Redskins could easily solve their problems with their offensive team name by changing their mascot and logo to a picture of a delicious red apple.

With that out of the way, I think the Arizona Cardinals might want to consider changing their name to something more dangerous than a beautiful bird (and something native to Arizona). I know there’s plenty of team history with the Cardinal organization, but that didn’t get in the way of Tennessee and Baltimore adopting tougher identities… like the Greek themed Titans which have plenty of history in backwoods Tennessee, or the fierce Raven (did Edgar Allen Poe grow up in Baltimore?) Actually, never mind all that.

But kudos to the Houston Texans who did tons of research, thought long and hard, and dug deep into the creativity well to find just the right name for their team.

As for music, how can you ignore the brilliance of Huey Lewis and the News? It produces such a great promotional tagline: Have you heard The News? Coldplay on the other hand? Talk about band name FAIL. What is Cold Play? Are they trying to tell us they love to play in the snow? Do they only perform concerts at below 60 degrees? I’m so confused. And as much as Bono sucks (great humanitarian, lazy musician), U2 is actually kinda brilliant because their name invites you to BE A PART OF THE BAND. Bono, The Edge and the rest of U2! That’s right! U’re in our band 2! All of our fans, your grandma, even your dog can feel like they’re part of the greatness that is YouToo! (when great represents mediocrity).

Seriously though, hail Whitesnake for putting their mansausages front and center with their suggestive band name. Now that’s METAL!

Flickerbock: There have always been two sports team name categories that have bothered me, teams that are named after natural disasters and teams that kept their names when they moved and the name has no relevance to the new location. It has always been weird to me when teams decide that killer natural disasters are the best solution for a team name. The names that come to mind are the Avalanche, the Hurricanes, and the Lightning. (Funny that they are all hockey names.) What message are you trying to tell the other team? We are going to suffocate you with a moving plate of snow? We are going to flood your house and then blow it to the ground? We are going to make your skeleton show in a cartoon and then start a fire? Ridiculous. The team name theft bothers me so much more. Mostly because two of the major culprits stole team names from my origin of birth. The Minneapolis Lakers were named the Lakers because Minnesota has a million and a half lakes (or 10,000). If you have ever been to the Twin Cities, you would understand how the lakes play such an integral part of the city system. The roads, neighborhoods, buildings, everything is impacted by the lakes that dot the area. Naturally, when they moved to Los Angeles, they kept the name. Because of the abundance of lakes in the LA area. Obviously. The other one is the former Minnesota North Stars. Minnesota is the North Star State. Like Texas is the Dutchbag State (my producer just clarified that this is not their actual state nickname. I apologize for being wrong, but I am obviously right). So naturally, when the North Stars moved from Minnesota to Dallas, they just took out the word ‘North’. Very clever, dutchbags. Other examples of this atrocity: Utah Jazz (New Orleans Jazz), LA Dodgers (Brooklyn Trolleydodgers)

Names I do like, things that have historical significance. Examples: Denver Nuggets (gold rush), San Francisco 49ers (same), Oklahoma Sooners (cheaters), Pittsburgh Steelers (local industry), New Orleans Saints (franchise started on All Saints Day, and the song), Green Bay Packers (local industry)

As for bands, I don’t like names that are misleading. Like Hootie and the Blowfish. There is no Hootie nor are there blowfish. Or Big Head Todd and the Monsters. Todd may have a big head, but I see no monsters. Barenaked Ladies have not shown me any boobies.

I do like band names that are simple and tell you exactly where you are heading with their music. Like Meatloaf. You know that the band (or person) named Meatloaf has to be a fat bastard with ketchup on his shirt. And sure enough, it is. Metallica (it’s coming at you hard and fast, better buckle up). Queen (Freddie Mercury). The Dubliners (good ol’ Irish music). Blackstar (Mos Def and Talib Kweli, two black stars).

I also like these names: Black Flag, The Darkness, The Clash, OutKast, Guster, Jet, Jurassic 5, and The Roots.

Congratulations on getting my longest confessional to date. I have not been good.

*

There sure are a lot of craptacular team and band names out there, and only a few good ones. We always need the bad to help make the mediocre seem better. Ok maybe that’s just grasping at straws, there are a lot of stupid names out there and we are forced to live them, or we can ask for new names this Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, it is getting to be that time and the holiday season often brings about travel. With that on our mind we ask you this: What is the best place you’ve ever visited outside the United States? Was Ethiopia all it’s cracked up to be? Did you love Prague when you went to Czech it out? Where ever it was tell us about it.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Dagger & Hart