Cru Jones Society

 

Welcome to Friday, everyone. In this edition we take a trip all around the world as we journey from a tiny island in the South Pacific to the subculture of car racing to the trumped up world of wine snobs and end up in the bizarre world of Pee-Wee Herman hitting everywhere in between. We’ve even got an exploration-themed Confessional topic for you this week. So put on your pointy hat, get out your sextant, and let’s set sail. Ahoy to the weekend!

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Let’s start with this week’s CJS Suggested Viewing. You can always count on Travel Channel to give you something to watch when you’re killing time on the weekends and/or hungover as balls. The scenic vistas of the 10 Sexiest Beaches or whatever always soothes the nagging headache from your ill-considered decision to try drinking tequila in the winter, or gives you some low grade wood when the womanpiece isn’t in the mood to give you a tug and you don’t have the energy to amble over to your computer to download some porn.

But rarely is there much to be learned. That’s why I’ve found Meet the Natives: USA so engaging. Basically, they’ve taken 5 guys from secluded, self-sufficient paradise Tanna in the South Pacific, made them put clothes on and taken them to the United States to experience life among five different “tribes.” So far, we’ve seen them in the “Cowboy Tribe” of Montana, the “WASP Tribe” of Manhattan, and the “Midwest Tribe” of Peoria, IL. The danger with a show like this is infantilizing the guys from Tanna and chuckling at their “primitive” reactions to things like processed food and snow.

But much to my surprise, the opposite has held true. Seeing America through the eyes of someone who hasn’t experienced it has had an edifying effect. Their preliminary assessments of everything from agriculture (“Your cows would be much healthier if you fed them green grass.”) to the reasons behind 9/11 (“This was clearly an act of jealousy of power.”) to the NFL (“The aim of this game seems to be death.”) have been, by and large, right on the money damn near every time. That’s not to say this is any grand, paradigm-changing sociological examination, but anytime you can glean unique insight and have a good time doing it, you’re a winner, Corky.

Plus, the guys come off as five of the friendliest dudes you could ever hope to meet, they referred to a squirrel in Central Park as “a big rat” (which it basically is), and they do an awesome, almost naked dance every place they go for oddly uneasy white folks. CJS highly recommends. Catch it Sunday nights.

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From a message of peace and love (and Humptiness – do the Humpty Hump!), we go to combat sports. Two big things to report on the fighting front:

1) You may remember… Jesus… 3 weeks ago? It’s been 3 weeks since we last did Happy Friday? Good lord. Anyway, you may remember 3 weeks ago when we reported that the prospects for a Manny Pacquiao VS Floyd Mayweather superfight were glum due to the obnoxious greed of boxing promoters. Seriously, most of these guys are lower than a snake’s ballbag in a wagon rut. Well, evidently those fears were unfounded as Kevin Iole reports that the fight is all but set for March 13. This is excellent as we haven’t been excited for a boxing fight since, well… ever. But we’ve seen these two guys and provided Mayweather doesn’t spend the entire fight on his bicycle trying not to get hit, this fight is going to kick 47 different kinds of ass. So look alive because CJS might be throwing a party for this one.

2) More pressing is the awesome UFC card this weekend. BJ Penn defends his Lightweight Title against Diego Sanchez in the main event. Look for Diego to appear like he’s trying to take a dump under the guise of appearing intense during the pre-fight staredown. Frank Mir takes on Cheick Kongo in a battle of heavyweights. Kongo looks like an even bigger, buffer, blacker version of Djimon Huonsou while Mir used to be good-looking until Brock Lesnar turned his face into hamburger at UFC 100. And in the fight we’re most looking forward to, Clay Guida battles Kenny Florian. You may remember several months ago when I named my 5 favorite fighters that both Guida and Florian showed up on the list. I don’t care who wins this, except that I do, and I hope it’s Guida. This is the best UFC card in a while, so get it while the gettin’s good. Or however that saying goes.

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Sticking with sports, we suppose we should weigh in on Tiger Woods. We like what Hal Sparks said on Twitter about it: “I don’t give a f*** who Tiger Woods sleeps with because I don’t use athletes as my moral compass.” That about sums up our feelings on this issue. Having said that, we did enjoy this little piece of perspective that not only rejiggers how we look at Tiger, but how we look at his chief rival Phil Mickelson now. I never hated Mickelson because he was chubby or because he seemed not to care as much. I hated Mickelson because he’s left-handed and if this were the Industrial Revolution, he’d die sooner. I need good men in my textile mill dammit!

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OK, one last sports link and then we’re done. And you’ll be shocked at what sport it pertains to. Soccer? Pole Vault? Caber toss? Nope, racing.

Apparently Danica Patrick has decided to try her hand at NASCAR where she’ll toil in the minor leagues for probably at least three years before getting called up to the big circuit. The top 3 questions you’re likely asking yourself right now in order: 1) Why would Danica Patrick leave a big payday on the Indy Circuit for NASCAR where she’ll likely suck just like Sam Hornish Jr. and Dario Franchitti? 2) NASCAR has minor leagues? Plural? 3) Wait, what the hell do I care?

And your answers in order: 1) She’s a feisty broad always up for a new challenge, and we respect that. CJS gives her full props here. 2) I know, right! 3) You probably don’t, but Danica’s a rare crossover star and anytime something of this scale happens we should comment. It’s like Dr. J going from the ABA to the NBA in the 70s – no matter who you are, sort of a big deal.

And I’d like to apologize to our female readers for not only dedicating a bullet to NASCAR, but for dropping an obscure 1970s ABA reference on you too shortly after talking about boxing, ultimate fighting, and Phil Mickelson. For anyone still hanging with us, we appreciate it. The next link is about wine!

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You know how wine snobs are always among the most annoying people on earth? You’re in the liquor store trying to figure out which bottle will a) Please that dickhead who gives you a 25 minute rundown of the latest issue of Wine Spectator every time you show up for a dinner party and b) Not break on the first whack when you beat him over the head with it once he gives you one boring wine lecture too many.

All you have to do now is read this article from the Wall Street Journal about how wine connoisseurs are largely full of crap (worded more delicately than I’ve chosen to), print it out, bring it with you to the next dinner party, and if necessary, hit him on the nose with it like he’s a little dog if he fights you about it. Apparently the human palate can only discern 4 different flavors at once rendering this description of a 2005 Cabernet (“Dusty, chalky scents followed by mint, plum, tobacco and leather. Tasty cherry with smoky oak accents”) with eight separate flavors about as relevant as burrito-scented buttwind.

I like wine as much as anyone, but this basically proves what I’ve suspected all along: Connoisseurs of anything are basically compensating for sucking at life. They’ve chosen to hone their expertise on a very small sliver of human experience, anoint themselves geniuses, and spend the rest of their lives looking down on everyone else for their ignorance. You can’t just make this crap up anymore. We all know you’re fooling yourselves, so just stop.

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We know we promised no more sports links, but we found this New York Times Op-Ed piece about how college football operates as a non-profit entity quite interesting. College football is a capitalist enterprise, yet it gets to operate tax free. Boiled down to its essential elements: That’s messed up.

And the only reason we even became aware of this piece (as well as the piece about wine tasting above) is because we read Tuesday Morning Quarterback on ESPN each week. Even if you don’t like football, Gregg Easterbrook tackles such a breadth of topics, TMQ is a must-read each week for gems like the last two links. Gregg gets the CJS Stamp of Approval that I just made up.

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Without a doubt the funniest thing we watched all week (and we watched this at least 125 times this week) is this video. Cookie Monster = Funny. German industrial death metal band Rammstein = Also funny. Cooke Monster + Rammstein = Transcendently, gut-bustingly hilarious. If you can’t watch this at work, make a mental note and watch it at home. We can’t think of a better way to kick off your weekend.

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That is, unless you’re headed out to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon. But not the version in theaters, of course. The real version that’s 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest. Thanks again to the brilliant Cutting Room for the best Twilight jokes you can find anywhere.

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And if your guy won’t take you to see Twilight, ladies, maybe he’ll get you the next best thing. Diamonds? A new car? A romantic trip to Vienna? Don’t be stupid. Get her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver: Schedule her pap smear.

Yes, that was actually on television. That’s exactly what you want your guys to do, isn’t it ladies? You want him intimately involved with your pap smear. Next you’ll be asking him to do Buddy Check 9 for you too, right? What the hell is wrong with CBS?

Thanks to CJS Regular CassieB for sending this along. And like usual, she gets the best joke here as she asks, “How do you wrap this gift?”

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Also in the giving mood was CJS Regular Flickerbock who, taking a cue from our Best of the Decade Lists (Thanks again to Rob Rector and Roxy for their contributions these past two weeks – now do us all a favor and visit Natsukashi and Effortless Anthropologie. It’s for your own good – your nostalgia appetite and fashion sense will thank us later), sent along this link with the Worst Movies of the 2000s list. Of all the things that happened in the 2000s, I think seeing M. Night Shyamalan’s stupid movie The Happening on this list ranks just after getting married, and just before successfully using the phrase “Aw skeet skeet skeet!” during a class I taught without getting fired in terms of my favorite things. Thanks Flickerbock!

But that also reminds us: Even though we’re wrapped up in End of Decade stuff, that doesn’t mean the Confessional is on hiatus. We want you to tell us: What is your favorite place outside the United States you’ve ever traveled? If you haven’t been outside the US, pick a place inside the US. Those can be just as foreign. Send your responses and reasoning to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll compare travelogues on Monday.

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Many of you believe cats are evil. You’re right. While that’s basically impossible to fathom when they’re doing something as unequivocally adorable as crawling into your wife’s hot pink computer bag like this…

That doesn’t mean they’re not still evil. And we know they’re evil because bastions of science and research Cracked.com tell us so in their shocking expose: 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors with Shockingly Evil Explanations. After reading this, I’ve been giving Bumhug the fisheye, but he usually just yawns so big his ears flip inside out and goes back to kneading Lady E’s robe. He’s plottin’ something…

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We’re happy Pee Wee Herman is back in our lives. We thought it was crap when Paul Reubens got busted outside that porno theater – if this were 10 years later, Paul could have jerked it anonymously thanks to the internet like everyone else – and felt Saturday morning die when Pee-Wee’s Playhouse was cancelled. I personally stopped giving a crap about Saturday morning shows shortly after the Playhouse exited, although that could have just been coincidental with puberty incrementally helping me sleep till noon every weekend.

Anyway, Pee Wee’s bringing back his old stage show, and if this sumbitch tours, Hart and I will be among the first in line to get tickets. Coincidentally, the almost always overwritten feature “Scenic Routes” examined the Large Marge scene from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure earlier this week. Our hat is off to Mike D’Angelo in this case because he nails exactly what’s funny about this scene, although he neglects to mention just how scary this scene was when you were 7 years old. Otherwise, he hits all the right notes in dissecting this scene, and if none of that interests you, just sit back and enjoy the embedded clip of one of the most delightfully shocking scenes from any movie.

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And finally, we know you’ve probably got home projects to catch up on this weekend, and here’s some incentive to get that stuff done:

Unless you’re in college. In which case, all you have to do this weekend is enjoying $3 Jagerbombs, indiscriminately hitting on everyone you come across, eating Big City Burrito all day, and watching “Family Guy.” In other words, stay in college as long as you can. And I hate you.

Happy Friday, bitches!

edagger@crujonessociety.com