Cru Jones Society

 

Christmas is now officially a week away, buckos. So if you’re a poor-planning dimwit like I am and haven’t done your shopping or are a holiday malcontent who fears the snot-nosed hordes of zombie-fied Christmas shoppers (again, like I am) you better get with it. Christmas will not be stopped. And God knows I’ve tried.

So to prepare you for the big ol’ punchbowl of crazy you’ll encounter during the last week of Christmas, our links this week feature a regular Russell Stover assortment of goofballs. God help you if you get that one candy with the coconut though. Or the one with the pink ick in the middle? What is that pink stuff? It tastes like AIDS. That’s why today’s Happy Friday features a no-pink-glop guarantee. So check out the assortment, and hit the links.

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If there was one thing I hated most about Christmas growing up, it was having to see Santa. I knew this guy gave me presents on Christmas, but that didn’t change my raging xenophobia as a kid. I would have snubbed Nelson Mandela or President Reagan if given half a chance. If I didn’t know you, I didn’t want to talk to you. And you can be damn certain I wasn’t going sit on your goddamn lap either. I faced down my mom every year over Santa until she finally stopped asking. I’m proud to say I’ve never sat on a mall Santa’s lap as long as I’ve had the ability to stand on my own two feet.

So, I’d like to offer a hearty CJS thank you to Regular twodogszk for sending us to Sketchy Santas,where the horror of sitting on a strange old man’s lap and whispering what you want him to give you is posted in all its glory. I’m all for the philosophy of Santa, but making an already anxious child pose for a picture with some creepy guy in a costume is just downright mean. If your kid wants to see Santa, by all means go, and more power to you. If not, then buy them an ice cream instead.

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But as long as we’re talking Christmas, we’d like to give another shout to twodogszk who received his snazzy new mousepad that looks darn sharp even though it’s upside down for placing 2^nd in Food, Sex or Cars, and to Flickerbock, the first person besides Hart or me to purchase something out of the CJS store. Those of you who have not received your Food Sex or Cars prizes, you should receive them next week. As for the rest of you, take the hint and buy something out of the CJS store. And if there’s something you want with our logo on it that’s not there (like say, fuzzy handcuffs or a novelty fire extinguisher), let us know and we’ll make it.

This also leads to the last piece of CJS business. This week in the Confessional, we want to know: What is the best Christmas gift (or Hanukkah “gift”, or Solstice sexual favor – you godless punks, or whatever) you’ve ever received? Send those responses to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll have a nice big party on Monday where we unwrap our gifts, drink egg nog together, and try not to look at our degenerate brother passed out on the couch coming down from a 10-hour meth binge. Happy holidays!

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As a follow-up to last week, CassieB would like all of our Jewish friends to know that the gift of scheduling a pap smear for your ladyfriend isn’t limited to friends of Mr. Jesus. From the commercial: “Light up her menorah with the gift that says, ‘You look great, but it’s what’s inside that counts.’”

What the hell is this guy talking about “inside”? Inside her vagina? Is this really the best road to a Happy Hanukkah?

Sweetie, I think you’re the best, but take of your snapper. Happy Hanukkah! Here, have a bialy.

What?

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Apparently the tyrants over at Facebook have changed the default privacy settings on your account again exposing a bunch of your info to the world, provided you didn’t manually update them yourself, and everyone has their collective panties in a bunch about it. Especially this guy.

I have two thoughts here. 1) I still don’t have a Facebook page, so I don’t give a crap. 2) Are we really surprised that a network designed basically to collect incredibly specific demographic information from as many people as possible is less than scrupulous? Tread carefully on the internets, kids. And turn down that damn rock and roll Dan Fogelberg junk!

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Last Friday we gave you some reasons why you should have watched UFC 107. Among them was laughing at the way Diego Sanchez attempts to look intense during the pre-fight staredown, but instead looks like he’s trying to take an unpleasant dump. Well, after the raging fist party BJ threw on Diego’s face resulting in 5^th round stoppage due to cuts, Diego no longer looks like he’s trying to drop a huge load, he looks like… well, yikes. And he says he wants a rematch. Good luck, dude. Hope you don’t end up dead.

Jeez.

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Speaking of crazy looking dudes, Quentin Tarantino listed his 8 favorite movies of 2009. For those either unable or too lazy to click on the video, his list is: 1. Star Trek; 2. Drag Me To Hell; 3. Funny People; 4. Up in the Air; 5. Chocolate; 6. Observe and Report; 7. Precious; 8. An Education.

Of those, I’ve seen exactly one, and it was Funny People, which was weirdly unpleasant in parts and about 45 minutes too long. We remember Keithage mentioning something a few months back about hating Seth Rogen and suspected he’d hate this movie. He would. Sweet Jesus, he would. It’s all of Seth Rogen’s annoying qualities at their Seth Rogen-iest for 2 hours and 15 minutes. Keithage would hate this movie with the power of a 1000 suns.

As for the rest of those movies, I’ll get around to them eventually. Or I won’t. Either way that doesn’t change the fact that Ike Turner is still dead. Which is apropos of nothing, I just thought it warranted mention. I’m hungry.

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CJS Regular Jitterrawks sent us two great links this week. The first we swear to God we’ve included before, but it’s entirely possible I wrote the intro to it in my head and failed in that next crucial step of authorship, which is writing it down. If that’s the case, I apologize. Anyway, head over to F*** You, Penguin for pictures of cute animals captioned with bitter invective. Fun for the whole family. Except for children.

The other link directed us to The Oatmeal, a site filled with comics, quizzes, and stories. There’s all sorts of wonderful goofy fun here that we’ll likely make one of our daily stops. Here’s a handy reference to remind you of what Marcellus Wallace looks like.Here’s a list of things bears love. Here’s 5 very good reasons to punch a dolphin in the face. You seriously cannot lose looking at this site. You’re welcome, Friday. Consider your workday hours wasted.

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The third article ever to appear on the Cru Jones Society was Things We Hate #1: Business Cliches. CJS Regular Keithage recalls our salad days with this article from Career Builder documenting Today’s 10 Worst Phrases to Use in Business.  This confirms what you already knew: The business world is filled with assholes. If we had a nickel for every time we heard a grating cliché at the office, we’d have a buttload of nickels. Then we’d use those nickels to buy ourselves our own office where we’d invent new clichés like “The Sandra Oh Face” and “When the chips are down… pick ‘em up.” Then we’d use what’s leftover to buy some gummy worms. Gummy worms are great.

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If you ever wondered who’d win in a contest of Man Vs. Toddler, wonder no more, because that is settled, yo. It’s amazing we don’t get fired watching garbage like this all day.

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Considering I spent a good half hour last time I was drunk wondering what ever happened to the Noid from those Domino’s commercials (My conclusion: He’s dead from darting out into traffic running away from paranoid stoners after trying to steal their pizza), it should come as no surprise that I found this article about defunct ad characters thoroughly engaging. Of all the characters on the list, I’d most like to have Milton the Toaster start shilling for Pop Tarts again. I haven’t had Pop Tarts in probably five years, and that sounds awesome right now. And I like the idea of my toaster talking to me because toasters produce warmth, and I suspect my toaster has the same demeanor as that friendly grandpa from the Werther’s Originals ads. That’s an appliance I’d like to be friends with.

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Remember last June when Hart wrote about the pussification of the movie industry? Well, it seems to be getting worse. Read this dissection of why frothy, middle-age romance comedy It’s Complicated received an R rating.

Yep, the MPAA cited two people in their 50s smoking pot “with no negative consequences” for its R rating. We know the idea of two seemingly capable, middle-aged people lighting up one joint immediately conjures the terrifying imagery of that disgusting girl in the shower from those meth commercials, so we were pleased to see the MPAA exercise its usual excellent judgment. Wait, take everything in that previous sentence and think of the exact opposite of that. That’s how we felt about it. Read Amelie Gillette’s take on it. She was much funnier.

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Some people believe “The Simpsons” is over the hill and should wrap up its run. Nerds in particular have voiced their displeasure with what they perceive as “less cohesive, more about trying to get the jokes in there, instead of mak[ing] a story and let the jokes come off of that.” Well, if that’s how you feel, nerd, then stop watching it. I’ll tune in occasionally when I remember, but by and large, “The Simpsons” is done in my house.

I understand wanting to preserve something great at the height of its art, but there’s really no stopping capitalism. If you really want to kill this dying old mule, vote with your remote and stop watching. But watching, criticizing on the internet, and obsessing over it only perpetuates the cycle. If you love it that much, let it die. Or don’t. I don’t care. But I’d surprised if this show didn’t live longer than I did.

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Seriously, Diego Sanchez. Yuck.

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Our newest favorite read comes on Tuesdays at Deadspin. Drew Magary hosts the Open Mailbag covering any topic your diseased mind is willing to send him. While he discusses bowel movements more than I think is even appropriate for the internet, by and large this is one funny mailbag which is as much a credit to Deadspin’s clever commenters as it is to Magary himself. Just to give you a taste of what you’re in for should you decide to check this out, here’s a holiday flavored question and response to whet your appetite:

Q: “I am a huge fan of all the holiday specific flavors like egg nog, pumpkin, peppermint, and gingerbread. These flavors are delicious, why limit ourselves to two months when we could have a full year of them? Are dairy farmers under strict orders from the government forbidding them of releasing egg nog year round for fear of escalating are already ridiculous obesity percentage? I want my liquid fat and eggs in summer, too. The best part of egg nog is the steroided Yellow Russians you can make with them. Aside from the bread and butter, rum and egg nog, what’s your favorite holiday alcoholic beverage?”

A: My favorite holiday alcoholic beverage is whiskey, which is luckily not sold seasonally. I too get frustrated with limited time foods. You can only buy Cadbury Crème Eggs at Easter, which is an agonizing wait every year.

Also, my wife is a HUGE seasonal eater. So if it’s July and I say to her, “Hey, how about some chili?”, she’ll balk and declare it a winter food. But I want chili. WHO ARE YOU TO DECLARE CHILI OUT OF SUMMER’S JURISDICTION?!

Maybe that’s for you, maybe it isn’t. But it’s definitely for us, and for the record, we could eat chili anytime anywhere. It’s chili. You put Fritos on it, melt some cheese, it’s incredible! Slavish seasonal eating is a man-made prison. Which is my parents will cook turkey dinners in April. Rebellion!

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And finally, if you’re still sore at me for what I said about Santa above, let’s just hope you’re not taking Junior to see this guy.

Hart and I wrap up the year next week. In the meantime, have a great weekend.

edagger@crujonessociety.com