Oh Christmas tree 

It has been said the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear, but we don’t have audio here so we attempt to spread Christmas cheer with our annual Big Ass Christmas Post. If everyone else can do their best to exploit this holiday, then I ask you why can’t we? Ok that was rhetoric. I am well aware there are many reasons why we shouldn’t, but to hell with it, we’re going to anyway. Consider it our gift to you this season to help put you in a chipper holiday mood, or to remind you just exactly why you hate this time of year. That decision is entirely up to you.

Make sure your tree is lit and your stockings are hung. I plan on stuffing those bad boys with a bunch of Christmassy goodness. Now pour some eggnog, hot cocoa or just straight booze and let’s rip this present open like we’re seven years old!

Best Secular Christmas Song: “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC

Christmas music doesn’t normally lend itself to the rap genre. I am pressed to think of another rap style Christmas jam. I supposed I could search the internet, but then I would take away the joy you would have of proving me wrong. But if there are any more Christmas rap songs then they owe a great debt to Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis.”

What I really like about this song is the way it has a basic Christmas message while still keeping the hip-hop mentality of fat wallets, big boats, and matching cars. And the video is nothing short of awesome. It is exactly what you would expect a Christmas rap video from 1987 to look like. Complete with one of Santa’s elves putting on a Run DMC hat and gold chain and being chased around the house by DMC’s mom with a broom.

Worst Secular Christmas Song: “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue

Please stop referring to Santa as baby. Do not turn him into a sexual being. And do not do it to get more presents. That makes you a dirty little whore and Santa is your “John.” Or it says you’re gold digging hoe and you really shouldn’t play Santa like that. He knows what you’re up to. Do not do that to Santa. He brings you gifts out of the goodness of his heart.

This song is not originally by Kylie Minogue, but her video for it helps illustrate the fact that this song is trying to be really sexy. That is the opposite of what I want from a Christmas song. I’m all for hot sexy sex, but don’t make me think of Santa and sex at the same time. An old, hairy, fat man is not as boner inducing as you try to make it out to be. It fact it is the exact opposite, regardless of how many hot dames are dancing around as the song is sung.

So to all female vocalists who have recorded a version of this song, stop being gross!

The hell is on that kid’s face?

Best Experience of this Christmas Season So Far: Christmas Shopping

I know you may be thinking that was a typo, but I was able to get my shopping done quickly and relatively hassle free. One of the greatest inventions has to be shop online and pick up at the store.  I shopped during my lunch break then picked it up when I got off. I avoided shipping cost and the other hassles that can accompany getting stuff mailed to you. Like having to be around to sign for a package, seriously USPS, that was a tiny package and it could have sat in front of my door, and I don’t understand why you didn’t try to redeliver. I was home the next day when you showed up. But no I had to stand in two lines because your post office isn’t labeled worth a damn.

But that had nothing to do with shopping. Doing the online shopping store pick up allowed me to evade a sales person, who may be elusive anyway, then wait while they checked in the back and that whole song and dance. That was breezy and nice.

But the real highlight of this shopping excursion came from a pit stop to a restroom. I couldn’t help but read the graffiti written all about the stall and I saw someone had used “lol.” I just find it amusing that internet shorthand has made its way to restroom graffiti. On top of that this was the men’s room and someone was writing graffiti like a 13 year old girl. Oh society, you never cease to amaze me.

Worst Experience of the Christmas Season So Far: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

With so many things that can make this time of year just dreadful, why would I choose this movie as the worst experience? Well, I’ll tell you, and thanks for asking. Without hesitation I will watch certain holiday movies ever year around this time. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is one of these movies. So I tuned in the other day and participated in this ritual. But as the movie played on I found myself growing ever more frustrated.

I don’t know if my critical thinking class was paying off or if I was just in the wrong mindset and couldn’t suspend my disbelief or just upset from the hangover that was ravaging my body, but I couldn’t help getting upset at the movie.

I couldn’t help but wonder how Harry and Marv can be so stupid. They were apparently smart enough to break out of prison and high tail it to another state, but once there they revert to a retard stage. They see Kevin and chase after him. First of all this was the kid who single handedly brought these two down, and caused them great pain, why attempt to relive that? Also this kid obviously recognizes you and can drop a dime to get your asses back in jail. Third they’re chasing a child through the busiest city in the union, seems like someone would put a stop to that.

If that is not enough, when Kevin decides to catch them in their act of robbing the store they go after him again. If I had just broken out of jail and was robbing a place I would grab what I could and get the hell out of dodge as soon as that alarm went off. Clearly they were able to find a way from Illinois to New York; they should be able to get out of New York with whatever they could grab from the store. Yeah Kevin did take Polaroids of Harry and Marv in the act, but they could easily be out of sate before Kevin got them to the police, especially because Kevin is under the impression they’re going to follow him. Harry and Marv deserved everything they had coming to them for being such morons.

Thanks for doing all the work, neighbor. 

Best Letter to Santa: Chris Bucholz’s

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to move on from Santa. Most of us just stop talking to him, which is kind of rude, but Chris Bucholz is a gentleman and did the right thing by sending the jolly fat man a letter in order to break up with him.  It is a bit sad to read, and I’m sorry to see their relationship come to such an abrupt end. But sometimes that is what has to be done. Maybe someday they’ll be able to work out their differences. At least Chris is doing his best Steve Perry impression and won’t stop believing.

Best Holiday Email: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

The office holiday party is always a great opportunity to great housed on the company dime, enjoy some free food, and get your dance on. Mine this year even had a Wii set up and there was a raffle for various gift cards. A lot of fun with a lot of people I thought were a bunch of stick in the mud types.

But as Pat Lewis shows me, I am happy I am at the bottom of the rung and don’t have to put such a fun night together. Also this is a prime example of how nobody can ever be pleased, even when there’s an afternoon off with free stuff. Overall though, this just makes me laugh because everyone is a big crybaby.

Most Ridiculous Gift Idea: Mars Land

Yes this website is actually selling property on Mars. And if you’re not a penniless hippie you can own some. But don’t give it as a gift. Can’t you just imagine the look of disappointment on the recipient’s face as they realize you got them a piece of land they can’t build on or even visit? What’ll you get them for their birthday? A gun rack when they don’t a gun, let a lone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack? Also Mars sucks, by the time your loved one can use their land, there will probably be some dickhead stopping the oxygen flow for political gains.

Best Gift Idea for Him: Microbrew of the Month Club

Microbrews may not be for everyone, but I love them. Microbrews are reason we have The Great American Beer Fest every year. Depending how long you’ve been apart of the Society, then you know I am all about trying new beers and what a great way to do this. I also really like the idea of a twelve pack showing up at my home every month. No trip to the liquor store or the agony from trying to pick a beer for me. If only they could be delivered by a stripper, or the LaBatt’s bear and it came in that adult Pez dispenser, on second thought just the stripper.

Best Gift Idea for Her:  Me

I am God’s gift to woman. Ok nobody believes that, but it made me feel good for a second. Women can’t be generalized to one specific gift. They are much more complex creatures than men. Each lady is uniquely special and her gift should reflect the relationship you have with her. Basically I don’t want to help you fellas shop for your lady. I don’t want to be held responsible when the gift goes terribly awry, and if it goes over well I won’t get any credit, so you’re on your own.

This was just the pre Christmas warm up. I got plenty more for ya, but you have to wait until Christmas. It’ll give you an excuse to get a break from the family for a little bit. You’ll be rewarded with my favorite Christmas urban legends, a fantastic fruitcake recipe (yes there is such a thing), some unfamiliar Christmas characters from around the world, and of course the four food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup. As for now, it’s time for wrapping, so just hang in there a little bit longer.

Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!

See ya under the tree…