Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away. What, you thought just because it’s Jesus’ birthday I would stay classy? Not a chance! This is a day of fun and joy, so let’s all have fun and let’s all enjoy. The presents are unwrapped, the Christmas goose is cooking (does anybody actually cook and eat a goose on Christmas?), so why not take a break and spend some time with your friends at CJS? I got part two of The Bigass Christmas Post ready for consumption. It’s kind of like that one last present you find hidden in the back, a fun surprise after a morning of joy. Now pull off the bow, and read on.
Best Christian Christmas Song: “Silent Night”
I used to hate this song when I was young. It was slow and not upbeat like “Jingle Bells” and such. But as I have grown and learned to appreciate music more I have found this song is really pretty. And like Dagger’s choice last year, this song encompasses what the season is really about, dear sweet baby Jesus. I find this is a good song to listen in order to calm down and relax after the hustle and bustle that this holiday brings about. Just thinking about listening to it while sipping a warm beverage and watching the Christmas tree has put me at ease.
Worst Christian Christmas Song: “Joy to the World”
This was Dagger’s choice last year, and guess what, it still hasn’t gotten better. It still brings to mind the parody version which in turn conjures up the images of little mentally disturbed children going all Charlie Mason on their teachers. And besides Three Dog Night has a better song with the title of “Joy to the World.”
Best Non Christmas Thing to Do Today: Visit the Home of Hemingway
You may think that we are a bit insensitive to our non Christmas celebrating readers, this is mainly because we celebrate Christmas and don’t understand other holidays that well, despite the number of times we listen to the Holiday Armadillo tells us about Chanukah. But don’t worry we got this list of things that are open on Christmas day for those of you who need something else to do. I’m a fan of Hemingway’s drunkenness, writing, and writing while drunk, but if he’s not your cup of tee you could try the John Deere World Headquarters or Branson, Missouri.
Best Fruitcake Recipe: Christmas Whiskey Cake
The standard running joke around this time is fruitcake. From its brick like structure, to gooey texture, to its weird taste fruitcake is nothing more than a gag gift. But I thought I would take a stab at making my own and perhaps pass it off during secret Santa or a white elephant. So I searched the internet until I found this recipe. I made it immediately and it turned out so good that I quickly made another one. It is one of the simplest recipes I have ever come across for anything and I recommend you all try it today. It will make your Christmas better; especially if you have some relatives around that you wish weren’t around. The recipe does call for bourbon, but if you don’t like bourbon, rum can easily be substituted. If you try the recipe out, let me know how it works for you. I think I’ll be making another loaf when I’m done writing this.
Best Christmas Urban Legend: Panting in Anticipation
There are so many stories that abound from this time of year, usually in regards to Christmas origins and denouncing Santa. Like watching the puppeteers work the puppets, the magic is ruined a little by these stories. But then you read a story like the one about 2 brothers exchanging the same pair of pants for 25 years and you remember that some stories are fun. I enjoy their creativity and devotion, but what I really like about this is how it reminds me of something I have been doing with my friends. When Dagger, Limon, CJS regular Tron and myself shared a house we had page ripped from a nudie magazine that we would hide amongst each other’s things. Dagger and I kept this game going well after we all left that house. The picture last showed up in October when someone got it as a wedding gift. It’s nice to know other people play this game, even if their game is not as vulgar as ours.
Worst Christmas Urban Legend: The Real Meaning of Candy Canes
This legend falls into the category of every single thing about Christmas has to deal with Jesus, including peppermint flavored candy. Candy canes are the shape of a “J” for Jesus and white and red to represent his purity and blood. From my church attending days I recall wine representing the blood of Christ, not candy stripes. This legend has always felt like people grasping at straws to make non-devout Christians feel bad about the commercialization of Christmas. Just let the candy be candy. Snopes.com debunked this legend and Mental Floss gave us the history of the candy cane, which has a cool video on how candy canes are made. Watching it reminded me of watching “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.”
Best Christmas Character from Another Country: Tio de Nadal
Tio de Nadal comes to us from Catalonia, which is in the north eastern part of Spain. Tio is a hollowed out log covered with a blanket and is fed nightly until Christmas. Then on Christmas, Tio is forced to poop, and if he doesn’t he is beaten with a stick until he does. Yeah that’s right, a Christmas log that is forced to poop. The poop is candy and nuts and other edible goodies. It poops until a fish head or garlic comes out, at which point the log whacking is done. Any tradition where you get to literally beat the crap of something sounds like a fun tradition to me.
Worst Christmas Character from Another Country: Krampus
This scary ass horned beast frightens children in Austria. While St. Nick rewards the nice kids, Krampus punishes the naughty kids. He has been known to steal their toys, beat them with switches, and even put them in a sack and tossing them into a river. What kind of message is this to send to children? Be good or the Krampus will make you sleep with the fishes. Not to mention that his thing looks like most sinister concoction of the Boogey Man ever. I think I’m going to have nightmares. Makes me glad I grew up in America.
Best Marketing Using a Christmas Classic: How I Met Your Mother
“How I Met Your Mother” is one of m favorite shows, due largely in part to the comedic dialogue of Barney Stintson. Well someone had the brilliant idea to dub some of that great dialogue over the classic “Frosty the Snowman” cartoon and gave us this fun mash up. Warning though, this may ruin a childhood memory and cause you the inability to ever watch “Frosty the Snowman” again. If that is the case, then feel free to use these pallet cleansers, a three parter of Cookie Monster writing to Santa (bet you can’t guess what he asks for).
While we’re on cross marketing, I think I should remind you about next week’s schedule. Still on the reduced one so Dagger will have a year-end rundown on Wednesday and Thursday; and of course we will still have our Confessional on Monday. Sticking with the Christmas feeling we have going here, the question for Monday is: What is your favorite thing about the Christmas season? If you’re a pain in the ass stick in the mud like E Dagger, tell us something that drives you crazy about it too. Send your response to email@example.com
I think that is going to wrap our Christmas celebration this year. Thanks for reading. I will let you get back to your family and friends, but you know I can’t let you go without giving you some kind of punk rock, so here’s The Ramones and their Christmas song.
Merry Christmas from The Cru Jones Society, your local humor conglomerate!
See ya under the mistletoe…
25 Dec 2009 Lee S. Hart