Play off 2009, Keyboard Cat! 

We waited until the last few hours of 2009 to post our year in review piece. And since you’re likely reading this on Friday (or later), that means 2010 has already arrived, so Happy New Year from the CJS!

Each Friday we’ve sought to bring you hours upon hours of time wasting goodness to glide you effortlessly into the weekend while putting off that lousy “work” yet another week while you watch awesome videos of Keyboard Cat and other such stuff on the last day of your sentence each week in the white collar gulag.

In going through the 47 Happy Fridays from the past year, we realized we’d offered you more than 700 links to all sorts of weird stuff from all over the interwebs. Today, we take a look back at some of the biggest stories throughout the year, a few more year-end retrospectives, our favorite sites, and some plain old random funny junk too. I personally re-read every Happy Friday from 2009, and I’ll tell you one thing: Hart’s doing this next year. Jesus Christ, that’s too many links.

Welcome to UberHappy Friday: 2009 Year in Review!

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We’ll start with the story that no one can seem to stop talking about (even my dad at Christmas Eve – what the hell?) that we couldn’t possibly give a rat’s ass about. Yes, arguably the biggest story of the year happened barely a month ago – the ongoing saga of Tiger Woods.

While we may not personally care about this story one bit, we’re not stupid and recognize that for whatever reason, the admittedly bizarre affairs of Tiger Woods have captivated the nation’s attention, so it’s important to at least acknowledge the overwhelming cultural conversation. So there you go. Tiger Woods is a bad husband and crashed his car. Biggest story of the year.

We’ll personally stick with what Hal Sparks said, and what we wrote in Edition #74: “We don’t give a f*** who Tiger Woods slept with because we don’t use athletes as our moral compass.”

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In what was really the biggest news of the year, for the first time ever, the United States swore in a black dude as its President. Senor Limon noted the achievement in Edition #31 with links to Chris Rock describing to CNN how difficult it is to make fun of the President,and a list of 70 songs written about US Presidents. Christ, that’s a lot of songs.

But our favorite image of our new President came three Fridays later (from Senor Limon again – damn we miss having him around here) in #34: Snowball Fight Edition:

Sweet.

Sweet.

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Sadly, it was shortly after that when Senor Limon had us announce in Edition #41 that he was pulling back from writing on the site full time. He’s showed up here and there since, most notably as a standout character in our Return to Las Vegas adventure, but it’s not the same as when he was fully a part of the fold. He’ll always be the CJS’s #1 purveyor of the House, M.D. drinking game, and just for fun, here’s 25 things you may not know about him.

When you’re CJS, you’re CJS 4 Life, sucka!

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Cru Jones welcomes you to the 2nd Edition of Food, Sex or Cars

Two things stood out about our One Year Anniversary last March:

1) We couldn’t believe we’d written an article every week day for an entire year and survived. Getting in the habit of writing everyday is like trying to get on a regular flossing schedule. Once you’re used to it, it ain’t no thing, but damn it’s miserable getting there.

2) The incredible interview Bill Allen gave us to help celebrate. Getting the email from him accepting the invitation to be interviewed was easily one of my favorite moments of the year. That, and, y’know, getting married.

But seriously, the real life Cru Jones! We also couldn’t believe that we beat Comedy Central’s Tosh.0 by seven months in scoring the real Cru Jones on our little corner of the entertainment world. But we didn’t get him to help re-enact a scene from the eponymous RAD like Tosh did, nor are we on television. Whatever. We’re talking about Cru Jones here. We’re all winners!

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Speaking of this year’s best, in reviewing the entirety of the year’s Happy Fridays, I determined my favorite paragraph to appear throughout the entire year belonged to Lee S. Hart in #54: Easy Livin’ Edition. The paragraph is as follows:

“Ah Grand Junction, Colorado; the ex-fiancée pimping capital of Colorado mountain communities (citation needed). This article is ridiculous from the get-go with the headline: Man Guilty as Pimp for Ex-Fiancée’s Prostitution. On the bright side, we got us a cool new phase: Man, you guilty as pimp!”

Sadly, the article that linked to from the Grand Junction Daily Sentinel is no longer there, but reading that entire paragraph again made me laugh. Well done, Hart.

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We gained a great number more daily stops on our daily Internet search, many of them thanks to our Regulars. We’d just like to remind anyone reading us that if you stumble across something you think our readership would enjoy on a Friday, drop us an email with the link in it to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put it out to the world for all to see, giving you full credit of course.

Here are some of the sites we made Required Regular Viewing that were sent thanks to readers:

From http://hawtness.com

Texts From Last Night: CassieB found this and passed it along to us in Edition #44. We honest-to-God read this for 4 hours the first day we received it and proceeded to check it every work day for the next 4 months. We loved it so much, it showed up in our CJS Approved Links list.

Snacks and S***; F*** You, Penguin: These both showed up in Edition #50, and you can thank Ferris, Dollar, and Lady E for the first chronicling ridiculous rap lyrics, and Salwon for the second where bitter vitriol is spewed at adorable animals for your amusement (although Jitterrawks sent us this again in Edition #75).

Not Always Right: Hart takes particular joy in reading this everyday just to remind himself that no matter how awful a real job can be, it still beats dealing with the customers in a retail job. I found this one myself and put it in Edition #62.

People of Walmart: Just a week later in Edition #63, CassieB and Hart both come through with this gem that has usurped Texts From Last Night as my favorite daily stop on the Internet.

The Hawtness: I can’t for the life of me remember how I came upon this site, but my life has been 100x happier since then. Weird, hot women acting weird that’s both funny and titillating… what could possibly be better? I linked to this in Edition #67, which, incidentally, was one day before my wedding. Then we went on a honeymoon where my new, weird, hot wife acted weird in a way that was both funny and titillating. Coincidence?

Between Two Ferns: Thanks, Twodogszk for this Happy Friday #73 gem that sees Zach Galifianakis interview celebrities. If you haven’t ventured over to Funny or Die yet to check these out, get off your ass.

Happy Friday works because of you. So keep an eye out for anything you find funny – videos, websites, news stories, games, whatever – and send ‘em our way at staff@crujonessociety.com. Our readership will be grateful, and you’ll feel good about doing your good deed for the day. So keep ‘em coming!

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Here’s something you probably forgot occurred in 2009… Does anyone remember that episode of “Family Matters” where Carl sleeps for fifteen years and wakes up in the year 2009 where Urkel and Laura are married with four children? No? Whatever. Welcome back to reality, Carl Winslow! Remind me to be at least 5 area codes away when you unleash that ghastly 15 year dump you got coming. And say hi to those grandkids!

Also taking place in 2009 – The Postman by David Brin. Our economy may still suck, but at least things are better than portrayed in that novel. Here’s hoping our real life 2009 doesn’t get turned into a boring, awful movie starring Kevin Costner. 

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Go Urkel!

We sincerely doubt that “Family Matters” is on anyone’s list of most influential anything – unless it’s a list of how to milk an annoying, one-note character into a talking doll, a sleeping bag, and a breakfast cereal – so instead, here’s a list of 23 shows from the decade that changed television. Thanks to Lady E for the heads up about this. An outstanding read from start to finish.

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Sports is a huge part of Happy Friday each week, and remarkably, for one reason or another, all of our Denver teams were interesting this year. Josh McDaniels came into town like a whirlwind and pissed everyone off by trying to trade Jay Cutler, did it, and managed to look like a mad genius in the long run. The Avs gagged up a whole season in ’09, but look poised to resume ass kicking into ’10. And the Nugs dumped Allen Iverson in favor of Chauncey Billups resurrecting the entire franchise in the process. Here are our favorite stories about each team from the year that appeared in Happy Friday.

Nuggets: Chauncey Billups is our hometown boy, so when he returned, despite some fears about him being over-the-hill, everyone welcomed him with open arms. When he led the Nuggets to the Western Conference Finals, we deified him to John Elway like levels. Nothing sums up the history of Chauncey Billups better than Tom Friend’s lengthy piece about him here.. In Edition #46, I called this “an absolutely f***ing fantastic read” and after re-reading it, that remains a good way to summarize it.

Avalanche: As one hero returned, another said goodbye. Our beloved Joe Sakic finally hung up this skates this season. Edition #54, Hart gave us a retrospective of his career and showed us the respect Super Joe had earned all throughout the league. To reiterate what Hart said in that post: Thanks for the memories, Joe. You were our favorite.

Broncos: Jay Cutler’s no longer a Bronco and is currently successfully annoying Bears fans. Enjoy a little schadenfraude this New Year thanks to the Chicago sportswriters.

Rockies: Rocktober returned this year, and although the Rox were eliminated by the hated Phillies, it happened on the first day of my honeymoon while I was in Maui sipping a frozen cocktail. I couldn’t dream up a better scenario to handle defeat if I tried. The reason for their success can largely be attributed to Jim Tracy, who, as we announced in Edition #73, won National League Manager of the Year and was awarded a 3-year extension. Here’s hoping next season gives us more of the same!

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The Prodigy reigns supreme

The other hot sports item finding its way into Happy Friday consistently is the UFC. We’ve discussed Brock Lesnar, BJ Penn, Diego Sanchez (Again, yuck.) Miguel Angel Torres, Clay Guida, and many others all throughout the year. The vast majority of the articles we link to come from Dave Meltzer and Kevin Iole at Yahoo Sports. For our money, they’re the gold standard of MMA journalism, and it’s a pleasure to read them week after week.

Meltzer handed in his last column of the year this week as he counts down the 10 biggest stories in MMA from 2009. Great year for fighting, and looking forward to an exciting 2010.

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We’re nearly two thousand words into this, and we still haven’t talked about sex. What is happening to us? All this stupid holiday food must be slowing us down. Thank God the end is in sight though because I feel like Ted Kennedy used to look. Blech…

We’ve got to give a shout to our favorite Sex Advice Columnist, The Redhead. We co-sponsored a Denver Tweetup with her and got linked in the Westword as a result, she writes social discourse on bullshit and she’s a prolific Tweeter. We enjoyed seeing her rack this year, and can’t wait to see what she cooks up in the next. The CJS has yielded us many new friendships, and we look forward to a long one (that’s what she said!) with her.

For all you fellas out there, just a reminder that if your woman wants to get pregnant anytime soon, inform her that for the health of the baby, she should start swallowing your manseed for at least a year prior in order to “decrease a woman’s chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy.” That’s right. Blowjobs for babies. Thank me later for this.

And if that isn’t enough to tent your pants, just see if she’ll learn this awesome trick courtesy of the girls at Hooters. Not to be daft about this, but did anyone else freak out for just a second wondering what in the hell she was exactly going to do once she turned that barstool upside down? Wow…

And just in case any of our female readers (those of you who haven’t clicked the back button yet – and by the way, thank you!) wonder where all this juvenile behavior comes from, simply consult this graph detailing the highs and lows of a young man’s life. It’ll tell you about all you need to know. A big thanks to Keithage for sending this our way.

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Two other friends we’d be totally remiss in not giving some virtual love here.

I was a guest over at Natsukashi the first time way back in May when Rob and I talked to Stu Charno about his experience working on Just One of the Guys. I’ve done two more since then, and Rob showed up here to help us with our Favorite Movies 0f the ‘00s feature. Look for more Podcasts featuring the CJS in 2010, and we wish Rob continued success in the new year.

Also, thanks to Roxy for writing her Favorite Music Acts 0f the ‘00s for us. Check out her excellent “Effortless Anthropologie” blog to keep up with all the trends of this cool store.

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Last night Hart, Lady E, Tron, Keithage, Brad, Corriander, and I played trivia at a local watering hole. Our team was called Count Cockula and we finished tied for 3rd with a team that had the best name of all-time: A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Butt Stuff. This is a perfect segue to my personal favorite lead photo from an article this year. It comes from Hart’s article “Summer Party Help” Enjoy.

Looks like a good party to me!

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And now for some more random, goofy fun from throughout the year:

CJS Regular Flickerbock would like to remind you that Cub fans are douche bags as this nimrod has not yet realized the full potential of his hat.

However, don’t let that stop you from enjoying the Classic Cub batting stances from Gar Ryness a.k.a. The Batting Stance Guy a.k.a. our lead link from Happy Friday #57. The accuracy with which he nails all of our favorite players is astonishing, so if you haven’t checked out your favorite club, head to his home site now and check it out. For you locals, here’s a direct link to Rockies players past and present.

Your local chapter of PETA is at home in the tub with a Lady Bic opening a couple of veins reliving these meat monstrosities again. In the pantheon of article titles that would appeal to men, wouldn’t “10 Meat Structures That Require Engineering Degrees to Build and a Death Wish to Eat” be somewhere in the top 5% best of all-time? Top 2%?

And if that orgy of meat isn’t manly enough for you, Abigail May, then get your ass to Denver because as of Happy Friday #37, Denver was named one of the Top 5 Manliest Cities in the country. Sports! Power tools! Monster trucks! Yeah! Get me a sledgehammer so I can open this keg of beer, raise it above my head, and drink it all at once! Bring me a raw steak and my gun!

<ahem>

Maybe we should back off on the manliness a bit, so here’s the ultimate cat video we featured in Edition #33 as well as Part 1 and Part 2of Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.

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So long, sweet sweet newspaper. And may a chorus of angels sing thee to thy rest.

On a sad note of 2009, Denver ceased its existence as a two newspaper town when in Edition #37, we wrote that the Rocky Mountain News had folded. We grew up reading the Rocky, and have missed it dearly in its absence. Raise one final glass to the fallen newspaper during the New Year. We will.

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In Happy Friday #47, we passed along a special message to the Class of 2009 from one of our new favorite writers, Drew Magary. We’d like to dispute the claims he makes in here, but despite not feeling quite so apoplectic about the whole process of growing up, he’s basically right. College is a cakewalk compared to the real world, and then they fellate you with some celebrity while in no way preparing you for what’s ahead. Graduations need real speakers…

… Like Zack Morris who showed up on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon giving us probably the 10 greatest minutes of television this year. I have a hard time picking out the most surreal moment of this whole event, but I think it has to be the end with The Roots – The Roots, goddammit! – performing the “Saved by the Bell” theme song. Amazing.

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When you come to the end of a job, end of a relationship, end of a year, whatever, it’s only natural to want to compare against its peers. So why not measure the decade against the other 9 decades from the last century? That’s exactly what Bobby “Fatboy” Roberts does, and while not nearly as poor as the “worst decade ever” distinction bestowed upon it by the overly dramatic, shock-addicted whores at Time Magazine bestowed upon it, The Aughts weren’t the greatest either. So why not find out exactly where it fell in the grand scheme?

I’ll personally always look back fondly over this decade despite 9/11, the financial meltdown, hurricanes a-go-go, and all the other horrible AIDS-tasting pink chocolates that happened in this candy box we called a decade. But then, I spent the majority of this decade in college then got married at the end of it. How could I not love it?

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Looking through the Demotivators from last year, and it turns out we hit our peak early with this one appearing in Edition #30.

Awesomeness: Defined

Remember that advice in the new year, kiddos. Have a happy and safe weekend. We’ll see you back here Monday when we return to daily updates.

Happy Friday!

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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