Cru Jones Society

Happy Friday to the ballers, gangsters, players, player-haters, drinkers of Haterade, those who don’t hate the player but hate the game, and straight-up pimpdogs in the CJS universe with us this week. You macked another week, dog, so you best be fendin’ to raise up and get your internet on. Cuz at CJS it’s laid out like dat. We got your punk ass covered like a jimmy hat.

In this edition: Miserable old (brilliant) bastard J.D. Salinger dies, Steve Jobs kick starts another round of absurd blowjobbery from Apple fanboys with his latest plaything, Nazis perform community service, people look like fools with their pants on the ground, and we do our best not to use embarrassingly outdated non-white slang. Join us, won’t you? Continue Reading »

The battle between good and evil is one that has engaged man for years. We can’t help but be compelled to watch these two opposing forces duke it out for our benefit. Pro wrestling is just another battlefield for this on-going battle.

While the soap opera-styled stories may tell us who are the good guys and who are the bad guys, we still need more of a reason to root for the good guys. This is where the bad guys really come into play. A good bad guy makes a great good guy. Where would Luke Skywalker be without Darth Vader? He’d still be working on his uncle’s turd farm. Without the Joker, or any other villain in Gotham City, Batman would just be an eccentric rich guy in a weird costume. Continue Reading »

Please welcome CJS Regular Chaddymac to the Cru Jones Society. He won last year’s Food, Sex, or Cars competition, and this is his article. Tying into our WWE-themed week, here is Chaddymac’s Top 5 Entrance Themes of All-Time. Give him a big CJS welcome!

I’m going to be upfront with all of you right now. I’m an engineer, not a writer, so I apologize for the step by step process that is about to follow but that is how my brain works.  When I set out to write this article, I had 2 entrance songs in mind that I had to include in my Top 5. That means I had to search my memory, since a top 5 wouldn’t be very good with only 2, and I haven’t watched wrestling in 6 years, which was coincidentally around the same time I got married (funny, huh?). 

So I went back to freshman year of college, when every Monday and Thursday Dagger would come over to Limon’s and my dorm room where we would watch RAW and Smackdown.  Once I was in the right frame of mind, I started spouting off wrestlers and with YouTube in front of me, proceeded to watch and listen to every one of their entrances.  Continue Reading »

Although my interest has waned in recent years, professional wrestling is live theater in its simplest form and remains one of my favorite “in the moment” entertainments. You’ve got a hero, you’ve got a villain, you’ve got conflict, and after plenty of (admittedly) contrived and semi-ridiculous violence, you’ve got resolution.

Individual matches are standalone stories, or can function like chapters in a book. Either you’ve got a satisfying beginning, middle, and end, or in some cases, when you string several of them together, you form a complete and fully realized story that, when executed well, rivals any form of entertainment on the planet bar none. Continue Reading »

Welcome to Raw is Cru Jones Society! We are very excited this week as we pay a tribute to something that was a big part of our lives, professional wrestling. It could even be said pro wrestling is responsible for CJS as Dagger and Hart first became friends over our love of sports entertainment. So we have a week of great articles dedicated to this form of entertainment, including a guest column from Food, Sex, or Cars? winner Chaddymac. Be sure to look for that one on Wednesday.

We start this week by getting a feel of your wrestling love, and to do that we asked you the question: Who was your favorite wrestler? We assumed that at some point in your life you watched some wrestling and had a guy you rooted for above all else. And you proved us right by sending in some great responses. As is the custom we’ll jerk the curtain and then your responses will follow. Continue Reading »

Tomorrow is National Pie Day and to get you in the mood for some delicious apple, cherry, or even some weirdo flavor that only you would like we’re slicing up a warm, freshly baked Happy Friday. The special ingredients we used this week include a helping of Tony Clifton, a tbsp. of The Simpsons, and just a dash of the Pope. Baked for 45 minutes, it is now ready for you enjoyment. So grab a fork and dive on in. Continue Reading »

To complete this week’s trifecta of weirdness, it’s my turn to share with you what my life would be like if I had a robot. Our criteria was very simple. Using any technology you want, including technology that has even been invented yet (and some that most likely will never exist), what features would your robot have, what would it look like, and what would a day with such a robot entail?

Both Hart and Brad decided to use their robots for pure pleasure and ridiculous fun. Hart’s robot played theme music, shouted out Jeopardy! questions for whenever he got bored, and shaved his head and face whenever he wanted. Brad chose features that would make anyone’s inner 8 year-old squeal with glee, what with his ice cream shooting arm, pogo legs, giant knockers, and never-ending supply of good time Huey Lewis music. While the allure of a hot lather shave on demand and traveling via pogo on the back of a big-titted ice cream producer are both undeniably alluring, I chose to take a different tack with my robot. Continue Reading »

Today’s guest post comes from Brad, who, along with a cast of disturbed characters, writes at the sometimes gross, often offensive, always hilarious Spherx’s Domain as extra-terrestrial columnist and namesake Spherx. He likes to unwind watching short videos produced by his talented colleagues at Nebulus Visions Multimedia, who strive to inspire and promote creativity through art. He also enjoys popping open iTunes to check out their Nebcast, where they tackle a variety of subjects, but mostly focus on movies. For now, he answers the question: What would happen ”If Brad Had a Robot”?

So, I was skateboarding to school today when I stopped off at my crazy scientist friend’s lab for guitar practice. Usually he’s not home in the morning and, to my surprise, today he was – busily working on some new experiment. When I asked him what he was up to, he replied by asking me, “Brad, if you could have any robot in the world, what kind of robot would that be?” Continue Reading »

In the opening scene of Short Circuit, we are treated to a demonstration of what the robots can do, which includes making a gin and tonic. Now if you’re anything like us, when you saw a multimillion dollar robot complete a menial task with as much grace as Helen Keller you thought, “Damn, I need a Gin-and-Tonic-Bot!” Dagger and I spent several months wishing we had a robot to make our gin and tonics, never any other drinks, just the gin and tonics. But that was years ago. Since then we have put our jobs aside and thought more about what we would really want if we had a robot. So this week is dedicated to our dream robots. Continue Reading »

Confessional time again, and we asked you to play God. Unfortunately, no one seemed terribly interested in playing, so we’re a bit light once again. We suspect last week’s question (What song makes its way onto your mixtapes most often?) and this week’s question: “You get to make a superchild for any reason. Which two people do you take DNA from to make this kid?” are just a tad abstract and since you likely have plenty to do, pondering the DNA of a hypothetical child isn’t exactly high on your list of priorities. So next week’s topic is much more straightforward. Check it out at the bottom.

But first, let’s take a look at some superchildren. We had fun with this, and we hope you do too. So welcome to the Confessional, and answer our new question at the bottom. Continue Reading »

We’re wrapping up playlist week here Cru Jones Society, and we thought we would close it out with a playlist of websites to visit throughout the day. It’s like music for your eyes. This list is not designed to put you in the mood for the open road, or to rise up against the establishment, or get a lady ready to knock some very sensual boots No, this list is designed to help you waste company time, give you some laughs, and keep you in touch with the world outside of your cubicle. Like everyone else this week we have Conan, but we also have beer and movies. So let’s get one more playlist going before the weekend. Continue Reading »

From the raucous excitement of the road ahead in the CJS Road Trip Mix to the angsty fury of the CJS Punk Rawk Mix, we come now to slow it down and urge you to get close to the one next to you (or to whomever that increasingly attractive person you brought home for the local watering hole earlier this evening is), and cuddle up for a fierce session that if you’re lucky will include some heavy petting. While not quite the makeout session mix requested by CassieB in yesterday’s comments section (Ours would have included “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men and “Baby Baby Baby” by TLC), this is the grown up version.

This is your Love Lounge Mix. This is for when you get back to your place and need a little musical accompaniment for your wine, candles, and flavor-blasted Goldfish crackers (the snack equivalent of Spanish Fly, I’m tellin’ ya). I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine if I’ve made this mix for a friend, and if the mix was successful in scoring said friend any action. Sadly, I was well on the road to engaged by the time I made this, and closing the deal with your long-term girlfriend involves a slightly lower degree of difficulty. Besides, she likes it better when I obnoxiously sing “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch in a comical falsetto anyway, so this mix would have been largely useless.

But for those of you looking to ease into a little action, I guarantee you this mix is as good as any, if not way better than anything you’d come up with on your own. And how could I make such an outlandish claim? Let’s find out, shall we? Continue Reading »

We try to stay open to all types of music, but when all is said and through punk rock is our main love. And when something brings as much joy as punk brings to our lives, we want to share it with those we consider close to us. So we conceived this mix to pay tribute to the different styles found under the punk rock umbrella. This is by no means an all encompassing list. It’s like using that little spoon at the ice cream shop to get a taste of the broad spectrum of punk rock. And we want you to feel more open to try punk rock so we didn’t pick an acquired taste like pralines and dick, but the more well liked flavors like triple chocolate fudge. So grab your spoon and try the 20 flavors we think you may enjoy. Continue Reading »

It’s Mix Tape week here at CJS and what are putting together some mixes for some of those special times in life where a variety is needed. We kicked it off yesterday with some of the songs that seem to always find their way onto our mixes. I can’t promise those songs won’t make it onto any of these, but we’ll do our best. Continue Reading »

Welcome to the 2^nd Monday Confessional of 2010. Not a lot of Confessors this week – one actually – and we suspect the nature of the question might be a tad esoteric. We asked you: When you’re creating a new playlist, what song always seems to find its way onto every mix? When you make as many mixes as Hart and Dagger, you take for granted that not everyone thinks as heavily about music as we do, and might not even make mixes at all.

Case in point: When we wrote our “Sweatin’ to the CJS” mix, many of you espoused to not even making workout mixes at all and just put the player on shuffle which strikes us a completely alien concept. But we make a buttload of mixes, and since this week deals almost exclusively with this pursuit, despite our low participation, we’re here to share our mixing peccadilloes with you. So grab your Mp3 player, and let’s see what songs often find their way onto the CJS playlists. Continue Reading »

Ah the first Friday of the New Year, a time of renewal and freshness. Wait, wasn’t New Year’s Day on a Friday? Dammit! Ok, from the top, Ah the first Happy Friday of the New Year and for you some brand new links. But don’t worry, we have the same old dick and fart jokes that you have come to enjoy. And to help us with these jokes we have guidos, goats, and goofy fat kids. So put your resolutions aside and enjoy some good old fashioned fun. Continue Reading »

Welcome to the finest prognostication of the new year you can find anywhere on the web! It’s the 2nd Annual Cru Jones Society prediction article where we bring you our thoughts on movies, music, television, sports, politics, and a whole slew of other crap important to your life.

2009 was a wildly successful year for us as we grew from a mere 800 readers at the year’s beginning, to averaging more than 16,000 by year’s end. Dagger got married, Limon kicked ass and took names in the desert, and Hart lived the first full year of his life retail-free. We’re looking forward to an even bigger and better 2010, and to commemorate the occasion, we dredged up Senor Limon to chime in with his thoughts on 2010.

So pull up your favorite chair, settle in with a beverage, and prepare to digest nearly 5,000 words worth of insights from the CJS 2010 crystal ball. Away we go! Continue Reading »

On Monday we gave predictions about who will kick the bucket this year. And tomorrow we have predictions about the rest of the year. But before we get to those we want to look back at the predictions we made for 2009 and see just how well we are at foreseeing the future. So before we move ahead let’s look back at 2009 one last time. Continue Reading »

Question: It’s January 5. How many times have you heard some variation of this joke from somebody who’s enjoying a cocktail, eating a brownie, or continuing to smoke?

“Well, it looks like I already broke my new year’s resolution! Hee-yuck!”

Las Vegas has set the over/under on this at 8.5.

Like global warming jokes, new year’s resolutions turn every dickhead you meet on the street into Shecky Greene replete with an unfunny one-liner and some self-effacing bon mot you didn’t ask to hear. And because they’re used largely as a punchline by people who are the furthest thing from funny, new year’s resolutions have turned from an innocuous, albeit largely meaningless, cultural nicety, to an irritating clothesline from which people you don’t like hang their labored jokes. Continue Reading »

Welcome to the first Confessional of the new year. And it’s a morbid one, so the Confessional title is certainly apropos. Choosing celebrity death is always a decidedly creepy task, so if there’s any place to do this and experience the requisite guilt of deciding which famous people are going to bite the dust this year, it’s definitely the Confessional.

For those of you new here, the Confessional is where we ask you a question, you respond via email, and we compare notes on the topic. It’s open to everyone, so don’t be shy and join us. This week’s question was Ghoul Pool ’10: Which three celebrities will die in 2010? CJS Staff responds first and then we turn it over to our readers. Our new question is at the bottom.

Alright, time to spin the wheel of destiny! Let’s see who we all think is going to move to that big press junket in the sky. It’s time to play Ghoul Pool ’10! Continue Reading »