Welcome to the first Confessional of the new year. And it’s a morbid one, so the Confessional title is certainly apropos. Choosing celebrity death is always a decidedly creepy task, so if there’s any place to do this and experience the requisite guilt of deciding which famous people are going to bite the dust this year, it’s definitely the Confessional.
For those of you new here, the Confessional is where we ask you a question, you respond via email, and we compare notes on the topic. It’s open to everyone, so don’t be shy and join us. This week’s question was Ghoul Pool ’10: Which three celebrities will die in 2010? CJS Staff responds first and then we turn it over to our readers. Our new question is at the bottom.
Alright, time to spin the wheel of destiny! Let’s see who we all think is going to move to that big press junket in the sky. It’s time to play Ghoul Pool ’10!
Lee S. Hart: This is such a depressing question we do every year. To stop and think about three people we think are gonna bite the big one this year is truly a morbid act. But alas I have powered through and made my selections in this little game.
Flavor Flav – I picked him last year and he somehow managed to live on. But I think he will finally catch up to whatever VDs he picked up on his reality shows. That, or he will finally piss off the wrong person.
Jack Nicholson – I’d hate for this to happen, but let’s face it this dude is old, and he lives a bit of a wild lifestyle. Let’s just hope he pushes out one last good movie and for his sake, accomplishes all the tasks on his bucket list.
Keanu Reeves – My dark horse pick. Some bizarre freak accident will leave us all saying, “whoa.” Every year there is one who we never see coming at all and Reeves is that person this time. I am going to guess that it comes by way of an automobile accident. That just feels fitting for some reason.
E Dagger: I became obsessed with this game while celebrating New Year’s in San Diego with my parents when I was 14. One of my guesses was Tupac, so when he was shot that September, I won the pool handily. I’ve tried to recapture that magic since, but haven’t had nearly that level of success.
This year I think Al Pacino’s time is up. He went from looking good and spry to looking like he’s about 85 years old overnight. In reality, he’s 70, but this last couple years he’s re-enacted the last 20 minutes of Forever Young quite accurately, hasn’t he?
I also think Danny Bonaduce’s lungs finally throw in the towel and just stop circulating oxygen to his blood. The dude smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a day, wakes up 5 times a night to smoke, smokes while on the treadmill, and sounds more and more like Harvey Fierstein everyday. I suspect his lungs will just turn into a fine dust and evaporate eventually like when Kirsten Dunst gets cooked by the sun in Interview with the Vampire.
Finally, this is the year that claims the lovely, talented, and often joked about Elizabeth Taylor. She’s old as hell and rejoins Michael Jackson in the afterlife making everyone there wonder just what in the hell is going on there.
And now it’s our readers’ turn. These six readers all have a shot at a fabulous prize at the end of the year for doing the best in the 1st Annual CJS Ghoul Pool. Best of luck to everyone in their choices. Although we hope you haven’t chosen anyone you’re a big fan of because winning would be a mixed blessing indeed.
Jitterrawks: My first prediction is Dick Clark. The dude’s been fading for awhile, and now that Ryan Seacrest has stepped in as the main host for Top 40 countdown and New Years Eve in NYC, he has been replaced. I’m waiting to see if my theory that he is indeed a robot is true.
Second, is Tom Sizemore. While he is a participant in Celebrity Rehab 206 (or whatever season they’re on), he’ll most likely relapse hard, and it’ll be the end.
Finally, Fidel Castro. That guy’s been tinkering at the edge for quite awhile, and I had to Google to see if he’d kicked the bucket yet.
Brad: Like most of my predictions, this one came to me in a dream last night. 2010 will start off with a bang when the world wakes up on the day after New Year’s Eve to discover that Paris Hilton went into cardiac arrest after swallowing Tony Montana’s semen. Then, like most bizarre celebrity death coincidences, four days later, Perez Hilton will be knifed following a very exclusive, gay orgy. And while the official cause of death is “loss of blood from knife-inflicted stab wounds”, the autopsy also reveals that he too died with Tony Montana’s semen in his stomach – prompting an exhaustive investigation from every media outlet as to “Who’s Eating Whose Cum?” and “When Is Too Much Jizz Too Dan-jizz-erous?”
To complete the trifecta, months will pass until, sadly, Cher simply dies of natural causes. However, her un-natural computer enhanced singing voice will live on in numerous profitable commercial exploits of her death, including remastered re-issues of old albums, unfinished new ones, and a documentary feature film about her planned fifth and final comeback tour.
Keithage: One of the Jonas Brothers by a rabid fan trying to get an autograph. The pen slips and stabs him in the heart.
Britney Spears. She overdoses on diet pills.
Jimmy Carter, because he is old. That’s what old people do they die.
Lady E: There are some celebs we hate to see go (Bea Arthur) and some that we say good riddance to (ok, that is mean and I am not naming names) so so my guesses for 2010 are:
1. Elisabeth Hasselbeck – her righteous indignation finally swallows her whole and smothers her to death. And the world rejoices…
2. Dick Clark- seriously how has this dude hung on this long? Sad to see him go, but he deserves the break he will get in heaven.
3. Ryan Seacrest – Dick Clark might kill him before he dies and if not, will haunt Ryan till he kills himself and the rest of the world will rejoice.
Flickerbock: (Disclaimer: I had assistance from the wifepiece with my selections) Here are my choices for the ghoul pool:
Al Davis – The guy is bound to croak at any moment. He can’t even remember his own name much less how to correctly draft NFL players. Easy first choice.
Hugh Hefner – The saddest of all my choices. Hugh’s incredible but fast life will catch up to him in 2010. The world will miss him. (The wife is going a step further and predicting how he will die. She says ‘massive coronary’.)
Lindsey Lohan – Our wildcard pick. With all the drama and eating disorders and dysfunctions in her family, Lindsey is a drug overdose waiting to happen. Three people will cry (and it won’t be her f***ed up parents).
CassieB: In determining my answers for the “ghoul pool,” I found myself presented with a moral dilemma. Do I want to win the pool and the semi-fabulous prizes that are sure to be offered by the CJS staff to the winner? Or do I want to correctly choose the people that will die in 2010…which puts me in the likes of the Grim Reaper or the Santeria Witch Doctor who sits in her basement poking at her voodoo dolls? Which do I choose? Well, I decided to meet in the middle. I chose 3 people that run the risk of dying but also have contributed enough to the population of the world to offset their absence. So here it goes.
Celebrity Death #1: Nadya Suleman aka “The Octomom.”
Cause of death: Botched plastic surgery. Nadya dies not in a surgery to get rid of her stretch marks & excess skin, but rather in a surgery called “Angelinafication.” This is a new procedure (not invented yet, coming in May 2010) that transforms the patient into the actual person, Angelina Jolie. Blood vile necklace not included. Good news: all children adopted by Angelina Jolie following mothers death.
Celebrity Death #2: Jon Gosselin (celebrity status through Jon and Kate Plus Eight, in case you need clarification because you have been stranded on a desert island for the past year).
Cause of death: Murdered by ex-mistress, Hailey Glassman. When Jon signs a deal with TLC, called “Just Jon”, Hailey becomes devastated because she feels that she was just used as a publicity stunt by Jon, meets him in a dark alley and you know the rest of the story… Good news: Kate marries a wealthy businessman, leaves the attention of the media and all live happily ever after.
Celebrity Death #3: Michelle Duggar. http://www.duggarfamily.com/
Cause of death: Struck down by lightning. As you may know from their many appearances on The Today Show, Oprah etc., the Duggar family has 18 kids, with a 19th on the way. The Duggar family is a bible beating family, even taking the time every night for a family roundtable of “Bible Time With Daddy.” Doesn’t that sound like fun? One of their beliefs is that they refuse birth control, because they want God to decide how many children they will have. So this leads us to her death. Michelle finally delivers her 19th child in mid-March. She and her husband quickly begin aggressive attempts for #20. God is just tired of their antics, thinking to himself, “For the love of God, why won’t the Duggars understand that I have provided them with birth control in order for them to STOP having children…why won’t they get my hints?” After feeling like all hope is lost, God makes one last attempt. While Michelle walks out to the mailbox to pick up her weekly delivery of food stamps and talk show appearance royalties…BAM!…lightning strikes her down. Good news: Husband, Jim Bob, finally gets the vasectomy he has been dying for, pimps himself out to their town of Springdale, Arkansas, and children finally can go to bed watching South Park instead of Bible Time With Daddy.
Well, that was certainly depressing reading about that parade of death, wasn’t it? Best of luck to everyone who submitted this week as we’ll determine the prizes to be handed out at the end of 2010. Keep your eyes on those newscasts, and track those picks. But for now, let’s move on to happier subjects.
Let’s say you’re going to the gym. Time to make a new playlist. You’re gearing up for a road trip with friends. Time for a new playlist. You’re putting on some tunes this summer to hang out on your porch with friends and beers. Time for a new playlist.
We’re big on music around here and we’re constantly creating new song mixes for the occasion. With the spirit of that in mind, we want to hear from you. Here’s the question: When you’re creating a new playlist, what song always seems to find its way onto every mix? It’s your go-to song (or songs) that works in damn near every circumstance. Good for a party, good for hanging out, good for cruising in your car. Tell us about that song or songs.
We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll put them up next week right alongside our responses.
Hart & Dagger
04 Jan 2010 CJS Staff